Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship

[bitebenot]

I'm not sure he's chasing after me. Do some guys really just want to be friends with everyone??

 

Does absence really make the heart grow fonder? Even when you've told them that you've accepted there is no more and never will be an us again?

 

Yes absence can make the hearth grow fonder but also out of sight out of mind.You know him better than anyone else.If you told him you accepted the end,it doesnt mean it was what you wanted.I never knew a man who just wanted friendship with everyone.That would mean hes incapable of falling in love with a women ! Not logical to me.But what i think its this: friendship with benefits ! You decide what you want..if you want a relationship with him then friendship is a big no no.If he wants you it will have to be on your own terms or nothing at all.I guess he wants only a women with no commitment of any kind.He already sent an email and tried to reach you by phone.He is chasing you ! Plus he has a gift for you..he cares more then you think ! Put him up to the challenge,then you'll know for sure.

[confused2010]

I'm going to try my best to stay away. *sigh* I feel like we are all living the movie 13 going on 30. Being an adult is not all it's cracked up to be!

[bitebenot]

CONFUSED2010,

Dont forget,some men have 2 brains...the top one and the bottom one ! Do you get my drift ? He might want you only for the sex ! Its not rare.So people are ok with it.Again its up to you to decide.If you want a serious relationship and he doesnt...ditch him.He might be using you.You seem vulnerable to me. Might be the right time to take a hard decision or be unhappy for a long time.

[confused2010]

CONFUSED2010,

Dont forget,some men have 2 brains...the top one and the bottom one ! Do you get my drift ? He might want you only for the sex ! Its not rare.So people are ok with it.Again its up to you to decide.If you want a serious relationship and he doesnt...ditch him.He might be using you.You seem vulnerable to me. Might be the right time to take a hard decision or be unhappy for a long time.

 

No, he doesn't want me for booty calls, that I know for sure.

 

I just don't understand how he could think we can be friends and talk like we use to as if nothing happened and as if he hasn't broken my heart and is with someone else.

 

I'm trying to give him space, but everytime I do that it he comes back with stuff like this. I've told him that having me in his life will be a strain on him, but he comes back with NOT being able to talk to me is more of a strain.

 

I keep going back to the original posting by Zorba, about the dumper being in the attachment stage with the dumpee. I am pretty sure we are there. I've heard the dreaded "ILYBINILWY" many a times. He told me when I found out about the other woman that he was confused and didn't know what he wants. Well he's told me that he's happy with her. So I wonder if he's still confused??

 

I'm glad I found this site. It helps to be among people that know what I'm going through. Thanks =)

[bitebenot]

He says hes happy with her...maybe but you are there just the same(in his mind) He is still attached to you.Do you think he would tell you he wasnt happy ? I did live that situation once not too long ago.Loved one and attached to the ex.I was so confused,i wasnt happy at all ! I didnt want to lose any of the two.The new girl left and i went to the ex ! I was still unhappy for a couple of months.Never saw the other one again.So im sure hes in the same position.If you stay in NC he will go nuts.i do know !!!!

[j416]

not really sure to post this so ill just put it here.

 

long story short, my ex hated the fact that i even thought about motorcycles. because i almost killed myself on one, and she helped me through it. anyways that was 5 years ago. i have since bought a new bike, cuz well. the only thing that was stopping me isn't in my life anymore.

 

she's still mad at me for crushing her, and for everything i put her through of this breakup. she has a bf now, and has put pics up on facebook. which crushed me.

 

i've wanted to put pics of my new bike up on facebook to show all my friends etc, but am worried it will make her even more upset with me, and hurt what little chance if any that she would start to even think about coming back...

i know forsure she'll be pissed about it though. i used to get the eyes of death when i would meet up with old friends of mine and they would be trying to convince me to get another bike.

[bitebenot]

Put a picture of your new bike on FB and with you with another girl sitting on it ! You will get a reaction from her ! It will tell her that you are moving on and have a new gf ! Got nothing to lose really ! Make her jealous,wake up some emotions in her.

[jaygirl]

So, in my case that my ex and i broke up because he couldnt commit or rather...'didnt know if i was the one', and he doesnt have a girlfriend yet, that me beeing out of the picture would make him come back?

[bitebenot]

So, in my case that my ex and i broke up because he couldnt commit or rather...'didnt know if i was the one', and he doesnt have a girlfriend yet, that me beeing out of the picture would make him come back?

 

So many questions whitout answers.He probably doesnt know himself,so how can we ? Total NC for now. If he doesnt give a sign of life after 3 months,move on and forget him ! Another option exist, start dating(not seriously),that should precipitate his decision by showing him that you dont accept the status quo and you are not pinned down.. if he doesnt react by becoming jealous it means he doesnt love you enough. Right now hes probably waiting to see if you will give up and return to him....ya, its a cat and mouse game.

[jaygirl]

Ooooh. Thanks bitenot. I love ENA! This has become my home since the breakup.

[jaygirl]

Ooooh. Thanks bitenot. I love ENA! This has become my home since the breakup.

[bitebenot]

Ooooh. Thanks bitenot. I love ENA! This has become my home since the breakup.

 

You're welcome.I prefer the option..when he sees that you are moving on,it will shake his world.He thinks that you're weak and will return to him again.

Show him that you have a spine and you're a tough cookie !

[ANewMe]

You're welcome.I prefer the option..when he sees that you are moving on,it will shake his world.He thinks that you're weak and will return to him again.

Show him that you have a spine and you're a tough cookie !

 

I think you may have something there.

 

I know my ex fully expected me to try and do whatever it took to get him back because I just loved him so much. I found out that I love myself more. Why should I feed his ego? So, I did nothing. Aside from 1 email and 1 call for business purposes only (which he responded to remarkably immediately) I went total NC, put time and energy into myself and thought about me and what I want. He knows full well that I have moved on. He even knows through the 'grapevine' that I've met someone else (taking that reeeaaal slow and on my own terms) while the girl he left me for turned out to be a complete disaster and is long gone.

 

Has this shaken his world? How can one tell? I gotta admit, knowing he felt that way would be beyond satisfying ~

[jaygirl]

I had a former ex before the latest one who was really hurting me. He was cheating and still treating me like * * * * during the relationship. It got to a head when I travelled eight hours to see him and he sent me back, because his mistress was around. The day I finally told him I was done he said 'no problem, have fun'. Well I did and started dating someone else (I.e my present ex). Three weeks later, he told my friend that he was shocked I hadn't come running back. And then he saw pictures of me and new bf on fb. He broke up with his mistress and ran to me, begging. Eventually he became obsessed and started stalking me! Its been two years now, and he is still begging me. He keeps proposing and begging.

 

The fact that he realised what he did gave me some satisfaction, even though I won't ever go back to him again.

 

So the reverse psychology thing really is true.

[saddeyes]

Why isnt my reversed phycology working then? I told him I met someone else and am happy now and not a word from him in 2 months? He is now living with the girl he left me for maybe thats why but he doesnt seem to care and actually wished me well and hope the guy treats me right! im actually not dating no one i wanted to get a reaction and it hurt me worse! UGH!

[infamous]

Why isnt my reversed phycology working then? I told him I met someone else and am happy now and not a word from him in 2 months? He is now living with the girl he left me for maybe thats why but he doesnt seem to care and actually wished me well and hope the guy treats me right! im actually not dating no one i wanted to get a reaction and it hurt me worse! UGH!

 

i did the exacly same thing with my ex girlfriend no response so im not sure

[stargazer2009]

Why isnt my reversed phycology working then? I told him I met someone else and am happy now and not a word from him in 2 months? He is now living with the girl he left me for maybe thats why but he doesnt seem to care and actually wished me well and hope the guy treats me right! im actually not dating no one i wanted to get a reaction and it hurt me worse! UGH!

 

well i know what you mean here. my ex did a grass is greener and chucked me out of the blue for someone else. a women with 2 kids. 2 weeks after i went no contact. and 8 weeks after the break up he'd moved in with her. so here i am now 4 months of no contact later. still not a word. but im happy just getting on with my life for now and working on me. i know i love him with all my heart but i also no that waiting is the worst i dea i'd waste my life.

 

Let there relationship develop as it does. lol they rush it means it will go sour faster. in the mean time do all the things you wanted in life buy that dress u like. go sight seeing be with friends go on holiday! give blood, go surfing, go on a road trip. meet new people. have fun cos when they contact you whenever they do they'll hear about the exciting time your having and how amazing you are. think about it like this imagine you dump someone and you meet them months later and they havent done anything. u'd be abit like o. but if they'd done all these exciting things you'd be like owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww and you'd become intrigued. so live for you dont count the days or weeks letting go is the only way they'll come back. matters of the heart dont solve in weeks it takes time. so go live you life have fun. they'll realise what they missed out on! x x

[TSandullo]

Hi Everyone

 

My first post on this forum.

First and foremost: Big thanks to Zorba, Love4life and others with their great insight.

 

Right, to business:

 

My brief BG:

I'm a guy, met first love, together for over 2 yrs, rocky ride, she ended with me last month, we study together (hence I implement polite LC), she's dating some guy, we had a friendly chat about relationships last week, afterwards I went hardcore LC. When we 'bump' into each other, we are polite and ask about one another etc but never mention relationships.

 

Me: Not needy, no begging, attending gym, studies with her, same societies+clubs with her (hence impossible NC), I'm not longer in the honeymoon stage with her but I have the maturity to know that love is more that the first 3 months of high serotonin.

I must have acted a bit needy and annoying close to breakup. good LTR material.

 

Her: single mom, polite, confused at times, needs to emotionally mature a bit more I believe, good LTR material. I respect her for the fact that at times when emotions waned, she stuck to me. and like me, she feels that we might be together again soon.

 

So folks, I won't go into our entire background here, I just need some of your views on this, I got a text message from her this morning. At first I didn't know who it was as I had her number deleted (I had no use to ring her right

 

NOTE: Last year I gave her an envelope on Vday telling her to open it this year. In the envelope was a letter and two lovely coins for her kid.

 

This is what she sent me:

"Morn *******. I know I'm a bit late but I just wantd to thank you 4 the valentines letter with coins x. I was looking through all the letters n poems you gave me over the years, brings back good memories...care 4 a lunch 2geva sometime next week? C u in ******(class name) "

 

What d'you all have to say about that? She want to reconcile or she feel quilty over the brkup? I thought the latter, until I considered the fact she mentioned my poetry and writing.

 

I'll meet her next week with no expectations.

 

What say y'all

 

thanks again.

 

Any may y'all have a great life, ex back or not.

[TSandullo]

Hi Everyone

 

My first post on this forum.

First and foremost: Big thanks to Zorba, Love4life and others with their great insight.

 

Right, to business:

 

My brief BG:

I'm a guy, met first love, together for over 2 yrs, rocky ride, she ended with me last month, we study together (hence I implement polite LC), she's dating some guy, we had a friendly chat about relationships last week, afterwards I went hardcore LC. When we 'bump' into each other, we are polite and ask about one another etc but never mention relationships.

 

Me: Not needy, no begging, attending gym, studies with her, same societies+clubs with her (hence impossible NC), I'm not longer in the honeymoon stage with her but I have the maturity to know that love is more that the first 3 months of high serotonin.

I must have acted a bit needy and annoying close to breakup. good LTR material.

 

Her: single mom, polite, confused at times, needs to emotionally mature a bit more I believe, good LTR material. I respect her for the fact that at times when emotions waned, she stuck to me. and like me, she feels that we might be together again soon.

 

So folks, I won't go into our entire background here, I just need some of your views on this, I got a text message from her this morning. At first I didn't know who it was as I had her number deleted (I had no use to ring her right

 

NOTE: Last year I gave her an envelope on Vday telling her to open it this year. In the envelope was a letter and two lovely coins for her kid.

 

This is what she sent me:

"Morn *******. I know I'm a bit late but I just wantd to thank you 4 the valentines letter with coins x. I was looking through all the letters n poems you gave me over the years, brings back good memories...care 4 a lunch 2geva sometime next week? C u in ******(class name) "

 

What d'you all have to say about that? She want to reconcile or she feel quilty over the brkup? I thought the latter, until I considered the fact she mentioned my poetry and writing.

 

I'll meet her next week with no expectations.

 

What say y'all

 

thanks again.

 

Any may y'all have a great life, ex back or not.

[Loxxt]

Hey all. As much as reading this post has helped me feel better knowing that my ex is obviously in a rebound relationship it doesn't help knowing that my ex is very much torn.

 

Please read my story for more info (it's kinda long, but if you have the time it'd help sooo much ^.^)

 

Yesterday I sent this txt to my ex, "There is a bunch of mail for you in my mailbox. Please pick it up and fwd your mail asap. You are not welcome here so don't drag this on any longer. I wish you the best. Goodbye."

 

And this was the response, "Hello. I understand. I am sorry. My problems aren't yours. I was waiting for funds to forward my mail. I appreciate your patience. I'm on my way to the post office now to forward mail.

I can't explain how truly sorry I am I shut you out when we should have fought through. I wish you the best. Bye"

 

 

FYI, he left me for another girl he only knew for a few days. Also they moved in together the next week.

 

Any thoughts? It's tearing me to pieces. This is the first contact we've had after almost a month of NC.

[bitebenot]

Why isnt my reversed phycology working then? I told him I met someone else and am happy now and not a word from him in 2 months? He is now living with the girl he left me for maybe thats why but he doesnt seem to care and actually wished me well and hope the guy treats me right! im actually not dating no one i wanted to get a reaction and it hurt me worse! UGH!

 

What works for one might not for the other ! A lot to analyse here.Did he leave you for an ex gf ? How much love did he have before dumping you ? Was he ready to leave you months ahead of time ? Did you fight a lot ? How was the sexe life ? Was it a boring relationship ? Put down on paper the positive and negative side of your bond with him. Now be honest...what do you see ? Also 2 months aint much.He might try to come back 6 months after the disruption.Another important factor,some ex never come back and thats not rare.! Desappear complety from him.Erase him from everything including your life and move on.In another 2 months you will feel a lot better.Its been 18 weeks for me and im very fine whitout her. I accepted the fact she wont be back,thats reality and it cant be changed. They have to come back on their own then you know they still care.If your ex was ready to leave you and wasnt in love with you anymore,hes gone for good.Yes it sux big time.Did you see yourself with him for the rest of your life ? hummmm...Whatever you do,just dont wait for him and put your energy on yourself. YOU are more important.Hes happy so it seems...so dont neglect yourself any longer,you deserve better and you know it.Look ahead and dont turn your head anymore.

[bitebenot]

I've learned to never talk about politics and religion..now i will add philosophy,lol ! But seriously, i did read your post. It doesnt differ from any similar cases i've read before.Grass is greener syndrome..lust.One month now but it will go further before he comes back to his senses.Already he has his doubts(his email says so).All he will do is analyse his situation over and over again.He will compare his novelty to you full time.I wonder if he can sleep a full night.Most rebound relationships (at least 90%) dont last at all.The best at this time is to desappear completely and give him all the space he needs.Its also imperative to ignore all contacts with him.Never answer the phone,listen to messages only.No emails or fb,yahoo,msn, et cetera.He should react in about 3 to 5 months or less.No one can tell really.Move on in between,just dont stand still waiting.If he loves you,he could be back.Give him time to miss you and think only of the good times he had with you.Good luck.

[bitebenot]

Yes you should meet her.Just dont have your hopes to high.Let her control the conversation,just listen to what she has to say.Dont bring up the subject about the relationship or reconciliation..let her do that.You guys will have to improve to make that relationship work the second time around.

[Loxxt]

Thanks for your response! I really appreciate you taking the time to read my (absurdly long) post. ^.^ Now that the last remaining tie from me to him (his mail coming to my place) is gone I have no reason to contact him. The last 3 times I contacted him was 1. To pick up all of his things I threw in garbage bags (about a month and 1/2 ago), 2. To pick up a few things I found in our laundry room (just under a month ago) and 3. Yesterday to finally ask him to fwd his mail because I was tired of him just stopping my randomly and getting it (he made sure to come when I was at work).

 

Those three times I have been cold/to the point. It's just so odd that when I act this way (to protect myself) that he acts sad. It's frustrating that he expects me to be nice about this... *sigh*

 

Anyways, NC from now on. I have nothing more to say to him. I know he knows it too, so I'm moving on with my life (got a new car last week! ), because it's all I can do.

[TSandullo]

Yes you should meet her.Just dont have your hopes to high.Let her control the conversation,just listen to what she has to say.Dont bring up the subject about the relationship or reconciliation..let her do that.You guys will have to improve to make that relationship work the second time around.

 

 

Thanks bitebenot

 

Absolutely right.

-Meet

-Keep it polite and 'light'

-Listen to what she has to say and not bring up rel/rec issue unless she initiates it

 

about improvement a second time.....this is gonna be our third time around.

 

Extended back story

After first year exams and after 2 month of her asking for space (I should've backed off then rather than texting her daily about my love for her!!!) we had a conversation and she told me she wasn't in love with me but wanted to make it work and fall for me again.

 

I respect and thank her a lot for that.

 

I developed the attraction more over time, to almost a year (we dated throughout and see wanted her feelings for me to return) until she mentioned she started developing feelings for a mutual friend of ours (He didn't know and did not try anything with her)

 

I stepped back and went into ultra LC until exams ended.

 

After that we dated again, and within 2 months were a couple again. She had fallen for me.

 

Ideally, this time I have killed the attraction again with some needy behaviour and pushing to 'help' her. Our breakup came by last month once she came back from abroad after thinking things through.

 

We are meeting next week. I have been developing myself a lot since our breakup; for me, for us. I can not afford to kill the attraction again as sooner or later, she will tire and give up all hope altogether. Repeated breakups with the same persons sucks immense lifeforce from anyone.

 

I'll let you all know how the meeting goes.

 

Thanks again everyone