An update on my situation and want to see if I did right......

[tray25]

She has been calling me repeatedly. I never called. She would ask "why don't you call me". Still no intimacy, no relationship, no girlfriend. She told me "I'm not ready to be with you again. If I were, I would hurt you". Well, here is what transpired the last couple days;

 

She calls at 3 in the morning sobbing. I said what the hell is the matter? You hurt or something? She is crying about her exboyfriend from two years ago. I guess it was her first love. She insists she doesn't want him back. She is crying over him though as if he left her yesterday. I tell her to grow up and get over it. I was really offended. She is not shedding tears for me, but for some other guy. She called the next day to apologize but the damage was done. This really bothered me. So I called her the next night and said "I really don't think we should talk anymore. I have been thinking about this and I really don't want to be your girlfriend, I want to be your boyfriend but I really feel like we will never be together again. I said you are clearly not over your ex. In fact, the fact that you talked and cried about him to me was disrespectful and disappointing. It shows me that you have zero feelings for me. In my opinion, girls who have feelings for guys, do not bring up exes. She says she is over him and that she just wanted to talk about it. Here is my problem; I don't want to be her therapist, her doctor, or her dad. I just want to be her boyfriend. I feel that everytime she is down she calls me. But when its time for me to want something in return, such as a intimate relationship and the fact that I can call her my girlfriend. She runs. I feel like she is using me emotionally and I am going insane. I had to end it. She says "how can I be with someone who won't be close to me or I cannot talk personal things with?" I said "I gave you months and months, and showed you over and over again that I was there for you. But I cannot be close to a girl or be there for her completely unless I am with her. I cannot be friends with this girl, I can only be her best friend if I am also her boyfriend. I had to end this insanity. She is selfish. She just doesn't get the fact that I cannot call, write, or be really close to someone who doesn't want to be with me. I don't think this is selfish in my part, I think it is just that I don't want to be an emotional board for her in regards to other guys.

 

 

What would you have done? Would you have stopped talking as well? I pretty much said "get over your ex, if you want to be with me you can find me, but I don't want to do this anymore. I can't wait around and be on the backburner.

 

Thanks for reading. I am emotionally drained again.

[annie24]

=D>=D> (How come my clapping icon isn't working?) YAY!!!! I am giving you a standing ovation! I totally agree with everything you said to her. It sounds like she is no where near getting over her ex, and that just isn't fair to you. You are right, you aren't her therapist or her dad or her best gf, so she can't come and cry her heart out to you. I would be beyond offended if a guy I liked and who knew i liked him called me complaining about some ex of his. sheesh!

 

 

 

You absolutely did the right thing, I am very proud of you here! good work.

[itsallgrand]

It sounds like you did exactly what you needed to do. And did it pretty well.

 

I would have done something similar. Nicely done.

[Zackinlaw]

What can I add but congratulations, bravo, kudos! If she's so into her ex, why doesn't she call HIM in the middle of the night (drunk, right?) and cry on HIS shoulder??

 

Zack.

[Clabs]

Hey Tray

 

Well done on the way you conducted yourself - perfect.

 

This is about you - not her stupid vents about her ex - uuuggghhh.

 

Take care - get your head down and move onwards.

 

Mark

[LE DHUY NHUT]

Hey man,it's tough to do what you did.I know,because I did the exact same thing last week.Hang in there because the upcoming times will be tough.You will wonder if you did the right thing,but I look at the positives.....mainly YOU WOUDN'T HAVE TO HEAR HER TALKING ABOUT OTHER GUYS,YOU WOULDN'T HEAR,SEE,SMELL,TOUCH OR BE WITH SOMETHING YOU CAN'T HAVE.

[jevonj77]

I am very happy that you did what you did because I know of too many soft guys that are getting the run around and can't seem to realize the "baloney" from the real stuff. You need to run away from that sort of relationship as fast as you can and I'm glad that you did. I also think you were dead on with all of your assesments of her lack of respect for you, her being still into her ex, you not wishing to be her therapist and so on.

 

Great job. Now it's time to find yourself a real partner who is into you and not so broken over their past.

[browneyedgirl36]

Wow...Tray, I am impressed with the way you handled this.

 

I am actually in a similar situation -- almost identical -- with my most recent ex, who is still hung up on a woman he was with several years ago. He is still angry, still hurt, and it's what caused us to stop seeing each other in the first place. Several months later, we seemed to be working things out, but the "ghost of the ex" came back to haunt us, and we had a number of conversations like the one you had with your ex, only I haven't had the strength to come right out and say to him what you said to yours. I've come close, and he knows it bothers me, but I don't think he knows to what extent it hurts me.

 

Again, bravo! You showed tremendous self-respect and self-love, which are essential to having a good relationship with another person. I hope to be able to follow your example.

[Zackinlaw]

Browneyed, print out Tray's post and memorize it for the next time your ex whines to you about his ex-ex.

 

Zack.

[browneyedgirl36]

^^Thanks, Zack. That's exactly what I need to do. It's a great start, anyway.

[tray25]

Thanks very much for all your kind words. Today is rough because although I know how much better to let her go, I still wonder if I did the right thing. I wonder if some talking was better than none. I wonder if she was just had too many problems and maybe if I hung in there I could get her in the end. Her guilt trip "How can I want to be with someone who isnt my friend and can't be close with?" But another part of me says it had to end. I just am very sad. Very sad. I liked hearing her voice but what good is that if you never see her? Of if she keeps talking about her ex?

[JadedStar]

WOW. you did everything that most of us could have ever advised.

 

I think what you said to her was so darn healthy and man you sure took the life by the horns and stood up for yourself!

[JadedStar]

Thanks very much for all your kind words. Today is rough because although I know how much better to let her go, I still wonder if I did the right thing. I wonder if some talking was better than none. I wonder if she was just had too many problems and maybe if I hung in there I could get her in the end. Her guilt trip "How can I want to be with someone who isnt my friend and can't be close with?" But another part of me says it had to end. I just am very sad. Very sad. I liked hearing her voice but what good is that if you never see her? Of if she keeps talking about her ex?

 

Yes you will be sad for awhile, but you were absolutely right.

 

You said: I feel like she is using me emotionally and I am going insane. I had to end it.

 

yes, she WAS using you emotionally. Please don't let it continue. You nailed it when you told her that you don't unload on a boyfriend in the manner that she did. What she did showed she was really seeing you more as a girlfriend, a confidente, not a lover or a partner.

[annie24]

Thanks very much for all your kind words. Today is rough because although I know how much better to let her go, I still wonder if I did the right thing. I wonder if some talking was better than none. I wonder if she was just had too many problems and maybe if I hung in there I could get her in the end. Her guilt trip "How can I want to be with someone who isnt my friend and can't be close with?" But another part of me says it had to end. I just am very sad. Very sad. I liked hearing her voice but what good is that if you never see her? Of if she keeps talking about her ex?

 

she CLEARLY isn't ready to be close in a gf kind of way if she is calling you in the middle of the night to cry about her ex. Let's face it, not even a priest or a counselor would appreciate that! they would say, "why don't we talk about this at our appointment. i'm going back to bed now." I think she's upset now that she's actually going to have to PAY for real therapy sessions. I'm sure you've been a great shoulder to cry on, but you aren't even getting any of the perks of a boyfriend nor therapist ($$$). enough is enough. I think you held out long enough. you did good today.

[Coyote9]

Way to pull the trigger on this deal Tray....while I know it's been so frustrating and draining, the fact is you got your power back and your self respect with it. I've actually dreamed about the kind of scenario where I'd finally get to get some closure, but in my case that's only going to happen in the abstract. This one of yours is immature and you deserve so much more from someone....way to go!