He has a new girlfriend....feeling unspecial

[everythingchanges456]

After living together and being together 8yrs...knowing eachother 10yrs. Kicking him out for cheating in the very end of April (found out in February)....he begged and pleaded and cried (via phone and email never beating down the door) that he loved me and supposedly spent months crying and his family was concerned......now he, I find out, is ONE MONTH into a new relationship and are gf/bf.

 

I am CRUSHED if you love someone and a relationship meant so much....do you move on into a committed relationship less than 4 months after you break up? If you want someone can you move on so quickly? This digs the knife deeper and puts me right back to day one of feeling the pain of our break up.

[Batya33]

I know that is painful and I am sorry. Of course, chances are he will cheat on her too. I have heard of numerous situations like that. While it is not perfectly analogous you were recently very hung up on someone you just met so yes it can happen even when you care for someone.

 

I don't think it meant he didn't care for you and love you deeply. I would work very hard on distracting yourself from these thoughts because it can make you nuts, make your imagination go wild. I would stop all contact with him so you don't have to hear about it (even if he doesn't talk about her you will be able to tell when she is around, etc and that can be painful).

 

good luck.

[everythingchanges456]

Yes but I was committing to a relationship with or having sex with someone else....we still haven't even separated our belongings in the house we still own together.

[Dako]

He's rebounding hard, so he must have felt a void in his life.

I hope you can put this behind you, fully recover and find a guy with more to offer.

[Batya33]

The loose ends are not relevant here - you two broke up and you yourself (just reread your threads) were crazy about a new person just a few weeks ago and very interested in going on a real date with him, so try to view things from that perspective, just a little.

 

I would get all the "stuff" sorted out this weekend so that you can't allow yourself to dwell on the mindset of "we're not really over because I have his stuff." Can you possibly do that this weekend?

[Up and Down]

After living together and being together 8yrs...knowing eachother 10yrs. Kicking him out for cheating in the very end of April (found out in February)....he begged and pleaded and cried (via phone and email never beating down the door) that he loved me and supposedly spent months crying and his family was concerned......now he, I find out, is ONE MONTH into a new relationship and are gf/bf.

 

I am CRUSHED if you love someone and a relationship meant so much....do you move on into a committed relationship less than 4 months after you break up? If you want someone can you move on so quickly? This digs the knife deeper and puts me right back to day one of feeling the pain of our break up.

 

Its called a rebound, a lot of people do this to fill the place of the person they lost. Its a temporary fix and it usually doesn't last. You certainly can't get over the effects of an 8 year relationship in 4 months, unless you hated each other, which is obviously not the case since he begged and pleaded to stay together. Unfortunately it still hurts I know but you just have to face reality avoid contact and work on you. I fear the same day myself to be honest, when my ex starts dating someone else, think it will near kill me.

[kaoticbaby]

he was cheating on you, do you honestly think he was head over heels in love with you? if he could cheat, he could easily start another relationship. don't waste another second thinking about the jerk.

[justme880]

Yeah, I agree, he's rebounding. I've seen this pattern of behavior from friends/family all the time, and they pretty much have the same attitude and mentality... "the best cure for a breakup is a hookup". Unfortunately, some people have to hook-up with someone to help ease the pain of the breakup process (i.e., grieving, ec.).

 

I think he will still contact you later on. I think you're doing the right thing though. Stay strong and be healthy. Keep yourself busy and keep moving forward. Best of luck to you...

[everythingchanges456]

I will have a hard time doing too much separating of things this weekend because I am still recovering from surgery.

 

Yes, perhaps it's a rebound...but his first woman he meets and within three weeks they're a couple?

 

He spent two nights here this week....because I'm having an emotional time with this and recovering from surgery. Not romantic nights but talking...me crying...yelling. I'm so angry he wasn't there when I went through this horrible two weeks with my surgery...I needed a friend...my family and best friend of 10 years...and he said that he wanted to be there but didn't know what to do. Then to find out that during that week they decided to be a "couple' then I came home Monday he was here watching our dog. I cried to him how hurt I was that he could let me go through the hardest week of my life without even calling to see how I am. He cried to and said he was sorry. Then the next day never called even though it was my first day home from surgery alone. I was angry because I knew he was with her. Turns out he and she went to have their first romantic sleepover...at the HOTEL WHERE WE GOT ENGAGED. I just can't breathe I'm so crushed.

[Batya33]

Please stop being in contact with him - it's self-torture. No contact will help a lot, I promise.

[Beec]

What is so ahrd is you feeling like what you spent so much time and effort in and doing with him, meants so little.

 

But my question is this, if it really meant all that much to him, would he have cheated?

[everythingchanges456]

Please stop being in contact with him - it's self-torture. No contact will help a lot, I promise.

 

 

Funny thing is that new guy from my other threads called Tuesday to see how I was doing and I told him I would give him a call soon and I haven't. Maybe I should.

[love4life]

This is HIS issue! He obviously does not have enough self-worth to stand alone. Good for you for keeping your dignity and self-respect and not letting him back in!!

 

Whether it's a rebound, or it turns into something long-term, it's just proof that he is not able to be alone. You will come out stronger for this; he will not. He's in denial and looking for an ego stroke. He used you and he is undoubtedly using this new girl, too.

 

It's NOTHING to do with you. You will find someone more deserving!

[everythingchanges456]

The hard part is that I know him deeply and know that he is NOT a bad person....he is NOT a jerk...but he has done these hurtful things. He's tried so hard this week to help me and make it right...I'm just to stuck on the hurt...that he didn't care last week when I was going through the scariest week of my life. That he cheated. That he moved on so quickly. That he is in a commited relationship so soon. The he took her to the hotel we got engaged in. That he did it knowing I cried to him the night before that it hurt me as my oldest dearest closest friend he wasn't there for me the week before and that I was afraid to be here alone.

[itsallgrand]

I think your surgery has thrown you for a loop here, and screwed things up a bit to be honest.

 

Probably because of that extra element of vulnerability at a time when you were already hurt, you seem to want to badly to hold him close however you can.

 

You need to stop doing that. Honestly. Just cut him out. It is only going to hurt you over and over again.

 

It's not like I don't understand. My ex cheated on me at a time when I needed him very badly. We broke up at a time when I already was completely vulnerable and hurting.

 

It hurt very badly. I wasn't sure how I was going to make it on my own. But I'm still here.

 

No more excuses. Pain can't be an excuse to hurt yourself more. It just can't.

 

I think you just need someone to hold you now. Someone to be there. So pick or reach out to someone - dependable.

 

Be it your mother, grams, friend, sister, whoever. Just do it. Stop running to him, he can't do it anymore.

[Batya33]

That is one of the risks of staying in close contact emotionally after a break up.

[everythingchanges456]

I think I am feeling vulnerable after my surgery...his not calling to check on me caused me to wonder and subsequently discover, that he had a new person which then I found out was a girlfriend and that fact has me hurting all over again.

[everythingchanges456]

taking her for their first overnight at the place we always went to and ultimately thereforeeee the place he asked me to marry him???????? how wrong is that?

[itsallgrand]

I know. And that would hurt anyone.

 

I'm sorry if I'm coming accross too tough on you. I just don't see the purpose of letting him shove all this in your face. When you are already down.

 

I know it sucks, but you can't trust him the way you did before. To be your best friend.

 

In the first few months my ex (seeing and engaged to another woman) tried to stay close to me, get to me, and even reunite all while I was struggling just to get through it all. I mean, at the beginning he basically acted as though we were still together and working on a relationship! After he was found cheating! Demented.

I was like a rabid dog and he didn't get one inch to me. Not saying that is the best way to go, but the distance certainly helped.

 

I just can't imagine being around the person after all that...and not wanting to crush them or something. lol .

 

Besides the hurt, I guess I am asking, doesn't some part of you want him to simply "go away"?

[Batya33]

I don't think it's wrong. I think it's a shame that he told you - that was unnecesarily hurtful information. If you asked then he shouldn't have told you. That is why I've been posting that the main problem is your choice to stay in close emotional touch with an ex particularly after you've had surgery. You have other friends and family to help you which is so fortunate.

 

It would have been wrong if you were also going to be at the same hotel that night and there was a good chance of running into each other. otherwise, he can go anywhere he wants with anyone he wants.

[Beec]

How wrong is it? Really no more or less wrong than when he cheated.

 

I'm a guy, and I thought about dating, and I tried to make things different for different women. But to think I did not have a first date spot would be nuts. I had places that I liked and took women to, and I went to them, because they worked for me. He picked that place because it works for him. If she knew it was the place he went with you, my bet is that she might not like it either.

 

When he cheated he was wrong, and that showed his true colors. Don't expect him to show any different colors now.

[everythingchanges456]

Yes...there is a part of me that wants that! Then this week I can't get passed the part where I just want him to be HERE...in the house...next to me.

 

Up until now he still took care of me and tried to show how he cared for me and i felt safe and secure in that it gave me the strength to not have contact (in person and hardly on the phone, etc except about the house we own together that I live in and he keeps up)

[everythingchanges456]

How wrong is it? Really no more or less wrong than when he cheated.

 

I'm a guy, and I thought about dating, and I tried to make things different for different women. But to think I did not have a first date spot would be nuts. I had places that I liked and took women to, and I went to them, because they worked for me. He picked that place because it works for him. If she knew it was the place he went with you, my bet is that she might not like it either.

 

 

I'm confused. This is a big hotel/casino that we discovered together that we went to regularly ... mini monthly vacations at one point a couple years ago. Then he took me there to ask me to marry him. Yes, he picked it because it worked for him....but how disrespectful to ME and to her. RIGHT??? and if she knew she would be hurt I would imagine....and if I were her i would want to know that!

[itsallgrand]

 

Up until now he still took care of me and tried to show how he cared for me and i felt safe and secure in that it gave me the strength to not have contact (in person and hardly on the phone, etc except about the house we own together that I live in and he keeps up)

 

Oh my goodness.

 

I honestly don't think that you have processed yet. What has actually happened.

 

The finality of it and the truth about his character. Coming down on your shoulders and through your heart like a sledgehammer. Washing the trust right out of you for him.

 

To go to him for strength and security in this, is like jumping into the burning building to escape the fire.

[Beec]

Yes, but he is not thinking about how other people feel deep down. He is not thinking about how you felt when he cheated. That's not the kind of thing this man thinks about, is it?

 

Do you understand that there is a process to grieving? There are essentially five stages that have been identified (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance). It seems very much to me that you may be stuck in this process. You are asking us about what he does almost as if you do not believe it. And we sit here and say, well, this guy cheats, so it doesn't surprise us at all. And you still want him back by your side, when anyone who did such things to me would have a hard time gettign within 100 feet of me without me seeing red.