He has a new girlfriend....feeling unspecial

[everythingchanges456]

He is a sweet and sensitive emotional man. Never dated much. Had a child young (not with me). He cheated because he felt like we were roommates and something was missing is what I gather. He told me this week that it hurt him we never got married and that had we gotten married he honestly believes he wouldn't have cheated.

 

What stage am I in then? I breezed through the last several months...now I'm feeling it....but I think I feel 4 out of 5! my Mom talks to be about DABDA all the time for years....not in reference to me...she just believes it in general.

[Beec]

It may be that you are in different stages in different respects.

 

Part fo you may have accepted what he did, etc., but there could also be part still denying things about him and his character.

 

Marriage does not prevent cheating. If something was missing, it was missing, BUT THAT IS NOT AN EXCUSE. If something was missing he needed to try to change it or get out. Cheating is not excusable. It's a moral failure.

[itsallgrand]

I'd venture: Denial.

 

We'll see what you have to say later, maybe oh, 6 months down the line.

 

All I can say is that things change a lot when they are out of your life and there is zero contact. Until you try that, we are on different pages.

 

good luck.

[love4life]

Bottom line is he's a narcissist. My ex is, too. These are people who are incapable of feeling deep love/empathy for another, and only care about themselves and how they feel when they're around a particular person and what they can get out of the other person. They are incapable of objective thinking and processing another person's feelings. You are better off now!!

[everythingchanges456]

he was out of my life except that he came to the house when i wasn't here during the day and paid the bills. i was moving on and happy and okay. i down deep liked knowing he still held on i think.

 

i have not had fun being single...i am a very attractive person...inside and out and it bugs me that he found someone right off and i haven't. i find jerks. he commits to the first woman he meets.

[Beec]

When you are really special, don't you think it's ahrder to din someone as special?

 

When you are a cheater, which is hardly special at least not in a good way, then isn't is easier to find someone good enough for you?

[Miss M]

he was out of my life except that he came to the house when i wasn't here during the day and paid the bills. i was moving on and happy and okay. i down deep liked knowing he still held on i think.

I think you're going through another phase of grieving, and part of that is because you didn't completely let go of him the first time. Maybe you got some comfort from the fact that he hung around for a while longer. And maybe he also assuaged some of his own guilt by continuing to do things for you. And maybe you also got some comfort from the fact that he felt guilty. But the comfort you experienced from keeping him around was also keeping you from facing the truth that he has really moved on, and that you should also move on. Although that comfort felt very satisfying in some ways, in other ways it was crippling you, and also costing you a lot emotionally when you've had to eventually come face-to-face with the truth.

 

One way or another you have to let go of him completely so you can better come to terms with your loss. That means you need to try to cut as many ties as possible to him, including changing the locks, paying the bills yourself, depending on yourself to take care of the house, getting your friends to look after the dog, etc. You need to do that so you can effectively process your grief and move on. You need to do that for yourself. Stop leaning on him, because it's just holding you back.

 

And also, a few months is really not enough time to process all the grief you'll have from ending a 10-year relationship/marriage. So be patient with yourself, and also be prepared to give yourself lots of time to walk the rocky path of healing. It's often 2 steps forward, and 1 (or 2) steps back.

 

 

i have not had fun being single...i am a very attractive person...inside and out and it bugs me that he found someone right off and i haven't. i find jerks. he commits to the first woman he meets.

Are you resentful of him because he found someone? And are you resentful of her because she has him? We don't know anything about her, but we do know that she has a cheater for a boyfriend. And she also has a man who has not properly processed his own loss, using her for a rebound... so she is not to be envied either. And I agree with Beec, people with low standards can always find others. But it takes a lot of courage and strength to hold out for someone as wonderful as you deserve.

[beeter64]

Please listen to me and please take my advice. I've so been where you are. DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK BECAUSE YOU WILL FACE EVEN MORE PAIN DOWN THE LINE!. I'll try to make this short. I dated my ex-fiance for 5 years before we became engaged. Eight months into the engagement he told me he had started to develop feelings for his married boss. She supposedly kissed him one night at happy hour and confessed she felt the same. Naturally, I broke the engagement but he begged to come back and we went to counseling. Guess what? After that, 4 more years passed and he didn't want to get married all the time telling me he didn't know if we were compatible. Well, about 14 months ago I told him to go fly a kite. If he wasn't ready after 9 years he never would be. I just found out last week ...she is now divorced and he bought a house not far from where she's from which in turn is not far from me. I spend my days kicking myself for every taking him back. The pain is unreal. Past behavior dictats future behavior. Don't set yourself up for another round of pain like I have....throw him to the curb like yesterday's trash. I wish I would of had the strength to do that. I could have kept my dignity and self respect. Now I spend my days hating myself and him. It's a liveing hell. Just run and never look back. The pain is immense but it will be short lived. I dragged my pain out for five more years and it's really taken a toll on me. Please let this one go. One day you will be so happy you did. Good luck and take care.