Being Friends?

[mariab.]

What's up with men saying they want to be friends, even if you (the woman) are breaking up with them? What does it mean? You might laugh and sate the obvious but I just don't get it. I mean, the break up is b/c the relationship is broken.

[jettison]

That's a pretty easy one. If the person who is being dumped feels that the relationship was based on friendship first, then they are just telling you that they value your friendship, and just because they will no longer be begging you for anal sex, they'd still like to be able to talk about the weather and wish you happy birthday once in awhile.

[Atticus90]

Friends never work after relationships, but it takes a mature person to say enitiate friendship after that. When I say it, sometimes I don't mean it, but instead it's a way of being polite.

[Lana0120]

Sometimes it means that they want to remain friends in the hope of getting back together with you. Other times, it means that while a romantic relationship didn't work out with you, that a friendship could. I think that's what it means anyway.

[love4life]

It depends on circumstance. I'm friends with one ex but I broke up with him, knowing that my feelings for him weren't strong and he met another girl a few weeks later who he is still with 2 years later. I couldn't be happier for him and have come to appreciate the love he gave me that I wasn't able to return when we were together. We're having lunch on Saturday - he's a good guy and while we weren't meant to be together, he means a lot to me.

 

On the other hand, I could never be friends with someone who broke my heart, unless one day, down the line, I was happily in another relationship. I just think it's setting the dumpee up for continuous hurt and it's self-serving for the dumper.

 

But...everyone's different.

 

I agree though, that men are more easily able to "remain friends". I think it has something to do with the biological differences between men and women. Men are programmed to "collect" (for lack of a better word) as many women as possible, while women want to nest with just one. I think a man eventually comes to a point in his life where he makes a conscious decision to settle down that overrides his basic instincts to have a harem of women ;-)

[justme880]

My take is for some guys who suggest "let's be friends" after a breakup could either mean (a) they still have feelings for their ex's and are having a difficult time letting go; (b) they truly want to be friends... after all you guys have history together; or © they'd like that "window of opportunity" just in case there's hope to rekindle your romance at a later time.

[jul-els]

I think the guy says that when, as someone else here stated, they are just being polite, or perhaps they just want reassurance that the relationship will not end on a note of any harbored animosity or negative feelings.

 

I had one long term relationship, my first one, that I remain friends with that person to this day.

 

That's because that's the thing we were always great at being and don't see any reason to throw the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak.

[tomtommyboy]

Hang on - you dumped him and you're not happy about the fact HE wants to be friends? I think it's incredibly big of him personally...I know I could never get over the wounded pride and heartbreak with my ex to enable me to be friends with her after she dumped me. I'd be appreciative if I were you. Not many dumpers have it that easy!

[LBP]

Maybe he's very sad and wants to hold onto to something that means a lot to him. I think the better question is why you aren't sympathetic. is that so hard? If he's abusive, that's another issue entirely.

[mariab.]

Thanks, I guess I sholud have talked about it more...we "hung" out together for about 8 months-I ended it b/c he wouldn't commit to a relationship with me. He told me he liked me as a friend above all-for me, who had deeper feelings I guess It seemed like a way for him to end it peacefully which I do not get-why be friends when the relationship isn't workable? It seemed to me as a cope-out, since we did have a great sexual relationship plus an interesting and valauble friendship.

[DreamLilies]

Thanks, I guess I sholud have talked about it more...we "hung" out together for about 8 months-I ended it b/c he wouldn't commit to a relationship with me. He told me he liked me as a friend above all-for me, who had deeper feelings I guess It seemed like a way for him to end it peacefully which I do not get-why be friends when the relationship isn't workable? It seemed to me as a cope-out, since we did have a great sexual relationship plus an interesting and valauble friendship.

 

I just ended it with a man I was dating for 9 months. Same reason. But I still feel horrible.

 

Would you get back together with him if he does, in time, want to commit to you?

[mariab.]

I just ended it with a man I was dating for 9 months. Same reason. But I still feel horrible.

 

Would you get back together with him if he does, in time, want to commit to you?

 

I don't know- if he doesn't want me as anything more than a friend why should I? It's hard choice, it seems I would give him what he wants by staying friends and hurting myself, while if I stop all I might be able to heal quicker, but lose him.