Raise your hand ...

[cc2006]

Raise your hand if you've just had "one of those days" ... when you look around at what your relationship is, and who your partner is, and you just wonder what it is you're doing and if you're making the right choices.

 

Ok, putting my hand down because I can't type well enough one handed.

 

 

I'm just burned out. It has been a stressful week, and I'm feeling alone. My girlfriend works constantly, and when she doesn't work and takes a day off to spend with me, she gets called into work. It used to bother me, but now I'm just used to it.

 

I'm tired ... my family is dysfunctional and weirding out, and my mother just let me know this weekend she is moving away in a couple weeks to "get away" more or less. I go back into class in a few days ... I'm unemployed and looking for a job (poorly, mind you, but I know that and will have to confront myself with that soon). I'm really stressed out, and I told my girlfriend this on the phone this weekend.

 

I used to be somewhat excited about my relationship ... but I feel like I'm being dragged down. I try, and it still never feels like enough. I do, and feel unappreciated and feel that more is expected of me.

 

My girlfriend called me last night, on her way home from work. A simple "Hey I miss seeing you" or "I'd love to see you" would have been nice and maybe have made me want to see her. Instead I get "So like, am I ever seeing you again or what?" It is always phrased in a snippy, annoyed way - it always feels like she is depressing me with her comments. It bothered me, frustrated me, but I called her back again later when I let most of it go to tell her I wanted to spend time together and see a movie, since we haven't done that in a while. Great, we'll get together Sunday.

 

Sunday (today) comes ... and she calls me halfway through the day from work. "I can't wait for tonight" would have been great. "I was thinking we could get dinner before the movie, maybe Chinese?" would have been nice. What do I get? "Are we still on for tonight? Are you sure you want to see a movie with me?" Why is it always worded negatively? And she tells me that I'm negative and bring her down? At least I'm in therapy ... I asked her to see a therapist for both her own health and that of the relationship, she has said she would, but then blows it off later.

 

"I'm fat." "You don't love me." "You're not that into me." "If you loved me you'd ... " "You never ... ... you must not love me." Negative - negative negative - stuff flowing from her ... making me feel not good enough, or like she is unhappy with herself. Would that make you want to see someone? it just drives me away. Sometimes it makes me feel like she is unappeasable because she'll blow off the fact that we had a fun weekend to point out it has been 2 days since then and I haven't rushed into her arms the moment she got out of work.

 

She makes me second guess myself. The way she words things makes me feel as though I'm making a wrong decision or that she is asking in that way because she is having second thoughts. You know what I mean? "Door one or door two?!" "Uhm .. number two!" "Are you SUUUUUURE you want door number two?" Oh god .. now I'm NOT sure ... wait a minute. Anxiety - it gives me anxiety, and frankly it bums me out.

 

 

So, we go to the movie. We saw 'Superbad', it was funny - if a random person from the internet you don't know at all is going to convince you to see a movie based on their lackluster review of it - go see this movie, it is funny. Although, the audience was one that was laughing REALLY loud at every little tiny joke, and you miss some of the more subtle comments made in the movie because of the noise, I hate that Only one person answered their cellphone during though, so I call it overall a success.

 

So, we leave the movie, and the parking lot at the mall after a movie gets out is hectic. People just backing up almost hitting each other, etc. We almost got backed over by some woman in one of those square SUV's Honda makes, because she was just backing up while talking to the passenger in her car and not looking to see two people walking next to the line of cars - thank god we were close to the parked cars.

 

So, I pull out, and go to drive .. and she says "go down there and turn, we'll avoid the traffic right here" ... ok - good idea - fine. I pull down there, and a whole group of people just step right out in front of me without looking and walk in front of my moving car. Now, let me tell you, one of my most intense pet peeves is that people just don't ****ing look around at their surroundings or have thoughts of other people anymore. Everyone is just so wrapped up in their little world they just ignore everyone else. Cellphones make it worse - people just on their cellphones ignoring the world. Argh.

 

So .. this really frustrated me, because here are 5 or 6 people just stepping off the curb in front of a moving car without ONE of them turning their head to look. If they looked and saw me, it would not have frustrated me at all, because at least they SAW me driving toward them then, and felt they had ample room to make it by without getting run over or saw that I saw them too - you know, that eye contact where that whole "I'm stepping out in front of you - please don't run me over" "I see you stepping out in front of me and will slow down to allow you to cross" conversation takes place in a split second.

 

If I keep it inside, I'll stress and pop a blood vessel ... so I just say something along the lines of, "Why do these people just step out in front of you without looking? .. and now they're going to walk down the middle of the lane in the parking lot so no one can get by, are you serious?" I wasn't angry ... I wasn't screaming out the window at them ... its just, I'm one of those drivers that if someone does something inconsiderate or stupid I have to say something outloud, mostly to myself, because I'm shocked with their level of inconsiderate stupidity. I guess I gripe often when driving, oh well, it makes me feel better.

 

Anyway, I make my comment, too which, my girlfriend replies, "You're being a ****."

 

Instantly I just get angry. It probably wouldn't have made me as angry, but I feel like she does this often, jumps on me for being frustrated or angry with someone else. I just had this massive rush of emotion. Thoughts pop into my head like, her selfish-seeming comments she made on her birthday because I took her to a concert she wanted to see but didn't buy her a "surprise" present (Hi, I'm the unemployed student guy - the concert taxed my finances enough as is) that she didn't already know about, or the time she came over and actually made snide comments at me such as "you know I'd like to come over and see you cooked for me ... guess that is too much to expect" or something like that because she was hungry and I wasn't and I didn't cook her something when I knew she was on her way, or arguments we've had in the past or other times she has cut me down for voicing frustration or anger at people, or times I felt that she was ignoring my feelings or .... etc etc etc ... it just all flows back at once, and I just got angry at her. I don't want to resent her but sometimes I wonder what world she feels she is the center of and where I can get tickets to go see it - because it must be really nice if she spends so much time there.

 

She made a snide comment about "seeing how angry that made me" - to which I informed her she made me angry by attacking me when all I was doing was trying to point out those people were being inconsiderate - I wasn't angry at them, I just thought they were stupid to step in front of a moving car without looking. Again - my pet peeve - people ignorantly living life like no one else exists.

 

This then degraded into, "Well they have the right of way, they are pedestrians." I know they are, but that doesn't mean they should just step in front of oncoming traffic without looking first. Know who else has the right of way? Firetrucks with their lights on ... but I bet the fireman in the drivers seat doesn't just barrel down into oncoming traffic without looking to make sure he isn't about to get run into.

 

Then, those people just walked right in the middle of the lane - taking it up - so you have to cross into another lane to get around them. Oh .. no .. she has some snappy comment to make on that too, like I shouldn't be in such a hurry, or "they weren't in your way" or something. Yes, lets argue over idiots we don't even know.

 

At that point I just wanted to stop the car and ask her to get out.

 

She apologized once I pointed out I was upset about what she said ... but didn't apologize for calling me names or cutting me down, it was the "Well I'm sorry you got upset over what I said" eyeroll thing - that fake apology you make because you're pretentious or something and don't want to admit you made a mistake or actually said something that hurt someone. You know - "I'm sorry when I was wildly swinging that stick around you happened to walk into it without looking" ... the insincere apology. It even sounded annoyed when she said it.

 

We drive back to her apartment, and I pull into the parking lot, and just sit there for a moment ... trying to calm down, because I'm angry and I don't want to fight about it anymore. I've learned that she doesn't admit when she does something wrong, because I'm not sure she ever thinks she does anything wrong. Her feelings are godly and right all the time and when I don't do exactly the right thing using my mind-reading powers (that I don't have - which causes problems as well) then she is justified in getting totally upset but other people's feelings are wrong though it seems. She gets upset, she can explode and cry and it is the end of the world ... someone gets upset from something she did or said? Well, they're wrong.

 

So ... car is running .. lights are off ... 11:00 at night ... I'm doing deep breathing in the parking lot trying to tell myself it is ok to be upset but I can let it go ... and what does she say? "So what, you're going home now?"

 

Yes .. NOW I am. You just sealed it. I wasn't going to, but you've just made a snippy remark in my face again with a negative connotation and I can't take it anymore. I say something like, "I don't know yet, I need to use the bathroom and relax for a second."

 

So, we go inside ... and she uses the restroom, and I go in and do my business and come out, and she goes right in behind me without looking at me and starts brushing her teeth without saying a word to me. Comes back out and I'm standing in the hallway just kind of waiting for something ... anything .. shocked that I'm upset and she is just ignoring me like I'm not there, and she just says "So what, you're just standing in the hallway?" She tells me she is tired and going to bed, so whatever I do, do it now. Fine, F-it, I'm leaving. Way to be empathetic, way to try and diffuse the situation, way to talk about things ... just concern yourself with you, and ignore the fact that I'm upset ... thats what this whole relationship has felt like it seems.

 

I have stayed up until 4am before on days I had to work, or go to class, because she was crying or upset about something and wouldn't let me hang up until she felt better. Here I am standing right in front of her, amazed for some reason that I'm getting the cold shoulder and a "I have to get some sleep". Again - just shows the unevenness of the relationship to me. Her feelings? Insanely important. My feelings? Pfft, whatever.

 

So, I step out the door, and turn to say something, and she kind of just rolls her eyes at me. So, I take her apartment key off my keychain .. symbolic gesture of how upset I am .. hoping maybe that would make her realize I'm upset. "Oh .. so now you're giving me back my key?" accompanied with a HUGE eye-roll.

 

You know ... I wasn't going to ... but yes, now I am ... because you're being selfish, self-centered, and narcissistic again - all about you, your feelings, you're right and screw everyone else.

 

 

I handed her back her key, and left. Drove the 30 minutes back home, had a beer, and came up here. I've now babbled way too much over something that shouldn't have been such a big deal ... but ... it just seems like I'm burnt out, run down, tired, and sick of feeling walked on.

 

I go back to therapy a week from tomorrow. I really don't know what to do. I drove home with my cellphone in my lap waiting for it to ring ... for her to say she was sorry ... or just call to make sure I was alright. It hasn't rang, and I know it won't.

 

 

I have no clue what I'm going to do ... but I'm still tired, still anxious, still frustrated, still burnt out, and still feeling alone.

 

 

 

So ... raise your hand if you ever just looked at everything and wondered "how the heck did we get here?" or "at what point do I realize this isn't worth it anymore?" or "is this ever going to change?"

[kaoticbaby]

that was a loooooong post. but... *raises hand*

[cc2006]

that was a loooooong post. but... *raises hand*

 

LOL ... sorry. I show up every few months and post a few times then vanish again. I've got this huge problem with being overly wordy, and just typing what comes to mind if I'm venting.

 

Problem is, I type nearly as fast as I talk ... so I get most of that out in like 5-10 minutes, and realize after how much I've spewed out.

 

 

 

[kaoticbaby]

you should start an online journal, for reallll =]

[ButterflyWrists]

you should start an online journal, for reallll =]

 

Too right there =]

 

And.. have you talked to your gf about this.. how long has she been being like this...

 

TBH i wouldnt put up with this - staying with her, makes it like she;s doing the right thing and that its ok to treat you like dirt...

 

she doesnt seem very respecting at all.. =[

[cc2006]

LOL ... online journal? What, the 'Trappings of a Relationship Failure' or 'The Nice Guy Who Never Does Enough' online blog?

 

It is funny, actually, because I get "they should turn your life into a sitcom" from people all the time - friends - relatives - total strangers I just meet whom make the mistake of saying, "So ... how has your week been?"

 

 

 

Well, we've been together for about 2 years, and broken up twice. Once for a week, once for two or three weeks. The first time was hell. The second time was hell, but I hit a weird calm period where everything just felt like it slowed down and I wasn't anxious anymore - like I had broken through the hurt and pain and realized I was going to be alright in the end. She called me about 2 hours after my zen-like moment and it all fell apart. We got back together shortly after.

 

She isn't totally verbally abusive, or rude, or malicious all the time. She just, for some strange reason, is completely inept at speaking to me. Serious, it is baffling, she cannot for the life of her tell me what she wants to tell me without it coming out badly. "I miss you" either comes out, "When am I ever seeing you again?" or "I miss you. Do you miss me?!" with a frantic sounding edge to it that puts me on the spot and I know if I answer "Yes" she'll call me a liar, and if I answer "No" she'll tell me I'm a jerk or don't really love her.

 

It isn't enough for her that I do things with her I'd rather not do - she demands that I want to do those things or it isn't really love and I'm "Not that into her". So if you hate going to the dentist, but she wants to go to the dentist - going with her isn't enough, you have to magically DESIRE to go just because she does or it isn't love.

 

Couple that with her ideals of what a relationship "should/must be" - high expectations that your partner will read your mind and take care of every whim you have or somethin' ... and we have a rocky situation.

 

 

 

I care about her, love her even, but I'm wondering now if I'm "in love" with her. I hate that whole care-love-in love separation but I guess that is the easiest way to word it so everyone understands how I'm feeling. I used to be excited to spend time with her. I used to want to see her. I used to think about a future together (which caused problems - because she thinks future she thinks 'marriage' and then 'why aren't I married yet?' and then 'everyone else is getting married!' and then 'am I not good enough to marry?!' while I think - "I could be with this girl for years" or "I wonder if we should talk about moving in together.") ... now? ... well now I wonder at times, what the heck am I doing here? I fight inside with emotions. Fear of being alone. Fear of losing something that could be good again and could actually be the relationship I'm supposed to end up in. Jealousy that she'll just trip over someone else and that person will make her happy forever, while I'm just sitting here alone. .. blah blah blah.

 

My GF has a bunch of nice, pleasant qualities. She is attractive, she works hard at what she does, she can be sweet and nice and funny ... but she is also self-centered, narcissistic, insecure, and immature.

 

Sometimes all you need is a sincere "I'm sorry" and a smile from someone to make you feel better when they upset you. All I get from her is "Well I'm sorry you took what I said wrong" or "I'm sorry what I said hurt your feelings but ... "

 

 

My mother asked me, when I was fighting once with my GF a while back: Ask yourself "can I live without her?" I got upset she asked me that, and told her "of course not."

 

She asked me the same question a couple months ago ... and I didn't get upset this time ... and I just stared off into the distance for a few seconds, and said, "You know, I'd probably be fine in the end."

[SpeedingCars]

I sound like your girlfriend (sadly...)

Except my boyfriend is the one constantly working.

I give him comments like: "Am I even gonna see you at all?" or "You don't even care about me!"... typical things.

 

Your girlfriend wants something (obviously) but isn't voicing it correctly... maybe you should ask her DIRECTLY what it is she wants from you.

 

It stems from insecurities, like you said. Maybe she feels that you're not assuring her things will work out and she can sense that you're tense/stress, which may lead her to think you want to leave her.

(I'm guessing...)

 

Whenever I ask my boyfriend: "Are you SURE?" or "Do you REALLY want to go out to eat with me?" it's because I fear he's only doing it to make me happy and to avoid any nagging... (it gives ME anxiety too, because I feel like he's lying when he says "YES! I'M SURE!"... it's such a headache.)

Maybe she's not sure if you're really doing it for her. And I know this sounds really dumb, but she wants you to want to do it.

 

It reminds me of a scene in "The Break-Up" (...not implying anything!) where she gets on his case because he doesn't "want" to do dishes. It goes something like:

Gary: "Fine, I'll help you do the damn dishes."

Brooke: "That's not what I want. I want you to want to do the dishes."

Gary: "Why would I want to do dishes?"

 

...I might be COMPLETELY off here so my apologies, I read most of your post, but that's what I gathered.

[cc2006]

I sound like your girlfriend (sadly...)

Except my boyfriend is the one constantly working.

I give him comments like: "Am I even gonna see you at all?" or "You don't even care about me!"... typical things.

 

.....

 

...I might be COMPLETELY off here so my apologies, I read most of your post, but that's what I gathered.

 

lol .. no, you're probably not off, no need to apologize. You could very well be right. I know a large portion of it stems from her insecurities ... thing is ... I'm not sure I can take it anymore. I've asked her to not word things so negatively, or insecurely ... or to actually tell me directly what she wants and not assume I'll just read her mind. She could talk to me and inform me of how she feels without making me feel trapped, confused, or angry if she just chooses her words better. I don't think she can, though, or refuses to try. She just comes off overly needy, high-maintenance, or whiny - all of which turn me off and push me away. I don't want to feel like I'm going to be spending the rest of my life kissing someone's behind because she is always unhappy ... or always insecure. I'm not a therapist, so I can't help her fix it, and it drains me soooo badly to feel like I have to tip-toe so I don't set her off. Then, the whole night goes great, and I make an annoyed comment about someone being inconsiderate and BLAM I'm getting chewed out.

 

She just comes off ... wacked out ... at times I guess. Like, why can't she just accept me for whom I am and be happy with me? It has shaken me up so many times I just dunno' if I can keep dealing with it.

 

I didn't see "The Breakup" but I've had people quote that scene to me before. It blows my mind, really, that my life is like that ... because it makes no sense to me what-so-ever. Doing dishes isn't fun ... if you want me to I will ... but I will NEVER want to, that is just plain silly. I guess it is funny and nice that it happens to other people so often they put it in a movie ... but ... geez I don't want my life to be that.

 

I've been told countless times I'm just too rational and realistic. Guess maybe I am.

 

 

I still haven't heard from her ... I'm considering calling her and seeing what is going on, and what her thoughts are on the matter now that I've calmed down and am not just going with my gut.

[cc2006]

I still haven't heard from her ... I'm considering calling her and seeing what is going on, and what her thoughts are on the matter now that I've calmed down and am not just going with my gut.

 

 

Quoting myself, and I know thats generally an internet no-no, but you'll forgive me.

 

 

 

The relationship is over. I called her, tried to talk things through, but she is just as tired and burnt out as I am. We both feel like we've just been going through the motions and felt like we were "just friends" the last couple months and nothing more.

 

She said she didn't want to get into specifics and fight because that doesn't solve anything - I agreed. She still got a couple good shots in about "feeling like we're going nowhere" and "it feels like I don't even have a boyfriend lately anyway" and when I made a comment about trying not to feel bad because I feel like I gave it my all she gagged and said "you DO?!" sarcastically, but then was all "wait I don't want to fight".

 

I'm just numb at this point. No clue what to do now, no clue how to feel.

 

Upset? Yeah, part of me is. I feel like I failed. I feel like we've spent 2 years putting together a million piece puzzle that was supposed to turn out to be a picture of our lives together ... only to find out halfway through two of the pieces just will not fit together no matter how hard we try and force them.

 

So here I am, having a beer with the dog late at night ... and I start my next semester of classes in the morning. I won't cry ... not because I don't like to cry or think it isn't manly ... but because I'm not sure I can right now, either numbness, or I just don't have it in me.

[SpeedingCars]

Holy CRAP! I'm getting scared that you might be my boyfriend writing this because you sound exactly like us!

I'm guilty of telling him, "It doesn't feel like I'm in a relationship anymore" or "I don't even feel like your girlfriend anyway" because he's always busy and I'm unhappy so I blame it on him. Now I feel bad because from his point of view, he probably thinks he's not doing enough when it's most likely my own personal problem.

 

She could be in the same boat as me and she probably became so dependent on you for her own happiness that when she feels UNhappy (it being your fault or not....), you're to blame.

 

And I know how it feels to not have enough "in" you to cry it out... you just want to scream. It's not right/wrong, it's just a difference in opinion which is unfortunate when you simply want to work things out but you realize you just CAN'T! Maybe you spoiled her too much during the early stages of the relationship so she feels like everything has to go her way or it's "wrong". Do you get what I mean?

 

I think it's normal when people get burnt out during the relationship because other aspects of their lives are closing in... so don't feel like you failed because you haven't. You found out you guys aren't compatible at the moment.

 

This break-up will probably be the best so both of you can clear your heads... and maybe you guys can get back together once you've dealt with your own issues.

 

Best of luck

[VeganBohemian]

Girls don't get it.

[VeganBohemian]

You've gotten into the cycle of irritating each other. COMMUNICATE. Tell her you do not feel it is respectful to ignore you when you are upset. In the same vain, she should tell you that it makes her uncomfortable when you get upset at others. People are wired differently --- different things annoy and bother different people.

 

Haha...and also you sound like my bf with the getting irritated in public at people that can't drive and at people that walk in the middle of the street. I understand man.

 

Maybe your gf is insecure. I am insecure and have made those comments to NOT SEEM insecure.

[VeganBohemian]

Sounds also like you are not compatible.

 

Tell her you miss her before she says "What, so are you coming over or not?".

[cc2006]

Holy CRAP! I'm getting scared that you might be my boyfriend writing this because you sound exactly like us! ...

 

lol ... weird isn't it? Well, maybe I can take solace in the fact that my long-winded rants and explanations of my feelings make people think just a little here and there and/or at least laugh lol

 

 

We were an odd couple. She is a professional, out of school, but in some ways immature and completely insecure. Her friends are all getting married and "moving on" with their lives (mine already have done so) - she definitely seems like she needs a constantly forward-moving relationship. Problem I see with that is ... well ... if you're always pushing for more, do you ever really enjoy what you have? .. and what happens when you get what you want? Well, you want the next thing ... and then the next thing ... ad naseum. This leads to a possible constant-string of being upset because "the grass is always greener" and/or you're always reaching for something just out of your grasp.

 

She is very set in what she wants/needs from a relationship ... I accused her of having a list oftentimes even, lol. She seems to want someone to do exactly for her what she expects and would give - a noble pursuit, but a hella' hard thing to find - someone just like you. The whole "Well *I* would drive to see you at 11pm at night if you asked, so why won't you get dressed and rush over here?" conversations.

 

 

 

I on the otherhand just want a nice, semi-easy, relaxed relationship where each "stage" of the relationship lasts a while and gives me time to grow into it and make sure this is the person I want to be with before we take the next step again. I don't want to feel pressured or pushed along - because that just makes me withdraw and "wall up". I don't want to feel like I'm babysitting my partner or constantly striving to head off their wants/desires or they'll get upset and my weekend will be ruined. I want to be appreciated and loved for whom I am, faults and all, and never feel like I'm "not good enough" again.

 

I want to be able to look at a situation, and say aloud "I'm doing ____ because that is who I am" and do it without cringing and hoping that was acceptable, or feeling forced to act in a non-natural way for myself just to make sure my partner is happy. Bending over backwards constantly for someone that never thinks you've bent enough ... well geez, that is not a comfortable position to be in.

 

 

 

I'm still not crying .. lol .. but I'm still not sleeping comfortably. Making plans with my friends to keep me busy will hopefully help keep my mind from wandering ... and one of my classes assigned some pretty interesting reading material so that'll help.

 

 

 

lol .. SpeedingCars .. if you ever want to just talk or run things by someone who has common traits with your man ... feel free to drop me a PM. lol

 

 

VeganBohemian .. yeah, a massive problem was communication. She cannot communicate with me without hurting my feelings or making me feel "not good enough" and I can't seem to get my point accross in a way she could be happy with sometimes.

[Nixee]

 

 

Well let me join in on the hand raising *raises hand*

 

cc2006, though you may just be ranting, I will tell you that you write out and describe things very well. My thanks for the proper spelling, punctuation and paragraphs!

 

That feeling... that numbness... that frustration you write about... it all sounds so familiar! Wait... are you sure you aren't my ex boyfriend?

 

Hmm... nah... my ex wasn't aware of negative or positive ways to say things. That, and he was dishonest with me and cheated... but otherwise, those fights and that cycle of irritation..... THE FIGHT THAT NEVER ENDS.. ugh, it is all so familiar that it is eerie.

 

I think it is what you have described that is the downfall of many relationships between two people that may have been otherwise completely compatible and happy. You love someone, you care for them... but you just can't get the details of a relationship right.

 

It is a power struggle.

 

Of course I can't speak for your girl, but as a woman I can probably guess pretty well at the sorts of things she was feeling when she did all of that eyerolling and made all those snippy comments. Probably somewhere along the line she had a completely valid bone to pick with you and she just never communicated it well with you. And I'm guessing the same for you... somewhere along the line you started feeling frustrated with her over something (or many little things)... and it was just never settled.

 

And thus begins the excruciatingly long "nothing fight", to steal from a Dane Cook bit. Even when it doesn't seem like you are fighting, you are always on the defensive around this other person because you are secretly, and maybe subconsiously, LOOKING for the exact things that piss you off so much about them.

 

For your g/f, maybe one of them was your attitude towards other people - such as those pedestrians. I use this example because, while I whole-heartedly agree with you that people are too self-absorbed and shouldn't be walking into traffic like that, I still hate it when my own boyfriend starts to rant and get worked up about that stuff. Its just the air of negativity that I hate. Possibly your g/f hated this too, but instead of expressing it to you early on in a kind way with those all-important "I" statements, she just let it fester until she gave up and started snapping rudely at you for it.

 

Stuff like that just gets added to the big mental pile of "stuff that drives me up the wall about so-and-so".

 

The real tragic thing about all of it is that I think you can hit a point, as it seems you two did the other night, where you are just too exhausted to try and fix it. That is the point my ex and I seemed to be getting to.. but with us it just so happened that right around then he met someone else he developed a crush on and *poof* out the door he went.

 

Love hardly has a chance once the 'nothing fight' comes into the picture.

 

Really sorry you've had to go through this. But you are really not alone. Hopefully this stuff teaches us what NOT to do in the future, eh? Not just you... but her too especially.

[cc2006]

Well let me join in on the hand raising *raises hand*

 

cc2006, though you may just be ranting, I will tell you that you write out and describe things very well. My thanks for the proper spelling, punctuation and paragraphs!

 

That feeling... that numbness... that frustration you write about... it all sounds so familiar! Wait... are you sure you aren't my ex boyfriend?

 

LOL .. man I get that all the time here. I guess it'd be really scary if someone here was an ex of mine ... but maybe then they could let me know what issues I have from their point of view (without lambasting me in angry-speak).

 

 

Hmm... nah... my ex wasn't aware of negative or positive ways to say things. That, and he was dishonest with me and cheated... but otherwise, those fights and that cycle of irritation..... THE FIGHT THAT NEVER ENDS.. ugh, it is all so familiar that it is eerie.

 

I think it is what you have described that is the downfall of many relationships between two people that may have been otherwise completely compatible and happy. You love someone, you care for them... but you just can't get the details of a relationship right.

 

It is a power struggle.

 

Oh god, yes it is. I could feel it inside me when we were around each other often. I tried to suppress it ... ignore it ... push it away ... but whenever we spent time together, in the end, it became Her-vs-Me in some weird battle for ... well ... absolutely nothing to gain.

 

I called her out on it a few times near the end, flat out telling her at times she just "didn't seem to really like me" - to which she'd deny the dislike, but I could feel the tension ... like she was just gritting her teeth or something.

 

It is weird .. having that "Why the heck are we fighting?" vibe running through you, but not being able to back down because the other person just keeps taking shots at you. Everyone is on the defensive all the time.

 

 

Of course I can't speak for your girl, but as a woman I can probably guess pretty well at the sorts of things she was feeling when she did all of that eyerolling and made all those snippy comments. Probably somewhere along the line she had a completely valid bone to pick with you and she just never communicated it well with you. And I'm guessing the same for you... somewhere along the line you started feeling frustrated with her over something (or many little things)... and it was just never settled.

 

And thus begins the excruciatingly long "nothing fight", to steal from a Dane Cook bit. Even when it doesn't seem like you are fighting, you are always on the defensive around this other person because you are secretly, and maybe subconsiously, LOOKING for the exact things that piss you off so much about them.

 

For your g/f, maybe one of them was your attitude towards other people - such as those pedestrians. I use this example because, while I whole-heartedly agree with you that people are too self-absorbed and shouldn't be walking into traffic like that, I still hate it when my own boyfriend starts to rant and get worked up about that stuff. Its just the air of negativity that I hate. Possibly your g/f hated this too, but instead of expressing it to you early on in a kind way with those all-important "I" statements, she just let it fester until she gave up and started snapping rudely at you for it.

 

It is funny, she used to accuse me constantly about "being so negative" and "dragging her down". The thing is, everyone who knows me it completely aware that I've made massive strides in the past few years with my 'negativity'. I feel so much more 'positive' then in years past, and her and I even met when I was going through some rough times ... so she, IMHO, should have been aware of some of the differences in me.

 

In the end, I felt her negativity was always dragging me down. The insecure "I'm fat" "you don't love me" "you must hate me because you never want to see me" "I can't get out of bed I'm so depressed" stuff just clawed at me and made me avoid her.

 

She used to tell me I was negative, and I didn't see it, mainly because I don't feel negative anymore. I have been so negative in the past I probably had a gravitational pull and could absorb all light around me like a black hole ... so to have her tell me my ranting at idiot drivers was "negative" was insane to me I don't get 'angry' and throw things, or punch things (or people) or scream and shout ... only way I let off steam is ranting ... so, I have to, or I'd explode like an unchecked pressure-cooker.

 

Hey, maybe it does qualify as 'negative' to some, but to me? .. nah, not at all

 

 

The real tragic thing about all of it is that I think you can hit a point, as it seems you two did the other night, where you are just too exhausted to try and fix it. That is the point my ex and I seemed to be getting to.. but with us it just so happened that right around then he met someone else he developed a crush on and *poof* out the door he went.

 

Love hardly has a chance once the 'nothing fight' comes into the picture.

 

Yeah ... you get to a point where you hit a wall, it just becomes too high to climb, and you have to walk away.

 

Part of the problem we had was just that we (at least I'd like to think so) tried so often, but it never changed anything. I broke down at one point and flat out told her she needed to go into therapy for the relationship to work out. Told her either individual, or couples therapy was fine, but we needed a 3rd party to mediate and translate for us. She agreed, but then when the time came to do it would always come up with a lame excuse. It was at that point I started wondering if it was going to last ... because she could happily point out my faults and shortcomings in regard to the relationship and watch me go to therapy but she'd throw a tizzy if I pointed out things she didn't communicate well or that bothered me (and would go defensive-attacker on me) and refused to get outside aid for her issues.

 

 

Really sorry you've had to go through this. But you are really not alone. Hopefully this stuff teaches us what NOT to do in the future, eh? Not just you... but her too especially.

 

Thanks. I'd really glad I stumbled accross this place last year, it has helped me even just by being a place to vent frustration and have people wander in and share a soapbox with me ... or to see other people struggle with their own problems and try and give a helping word here and there - makes me feel good, ya' know?

 

Cliche', but this definitely is going to be a learner for me. I hope she learns too, but I doubt she will, she is very stubborn and seems to be narcissistic enough to think she is perfectly fine and doesn't need to improve. .. 'course, it aint' my problem anymore, technically

 

 

Thanks for stopping by lol ... I probably just wrote another book-of-a-post without realizing again.

[Nixee]

... but maybe then they could let me know what issues I have from their point of view (without lambasting me in angry-speak).

 

That is what I think is so theraputic about talking to fresh people or sympathetic strangers about stuff like this... they can tell you the exact same thing that your ex might have been trying to tell you, but somehow... you are able to listen to them better.

 

Oh god, yes it is. I could feel it inside me when we were around each other often. I tried to suppress it ... ignore it ... push it away ... but whenever we spent time together, in the end, it became Her-vs-Me in some weird battle for ... well ... absolutely nothing to gain.

 

I called her out on it a few times near the end, flat out telling her at times she just "didn't seem to really like me" - to which she'd deny the dislike, but I could feel the tension ... like she was just gritting her teeth or something.

 

It is weird .. having that "Why the heck are we fighting?" vibe running through you, but not being able to back down because the other person just keeps taking shots at you. Everyone is on the defensive all the time.

 

I used to get this feeling all the time. And the funny thing is, I would often try to consciously let go of it and think my way out of it. I would think things like "I'm going to smile at him more" "I'm going to kill him with kindness" "tonight, I'm going to seduce him"..... but I often would freeze up when I entered his ice-field and my attempts would be half-assed.

 

On the morning we broke up (of course, at that time, I didn't yet know that he was giving his heart and warmth to someone else..), he had gotten out of bed early and was sitting on the sofa mindlessly wasting time on his laptop. Things had been cold between us for about two weeks, but I *thought* we had decided to actively work at repairing things.

 

So he's sitting on the sofa, and I decide I'm going to go cuddle up next to him and show him just a bit of affection. So I do that... and he scoots over. I look at him, a bit hurt, a he says with a cold, expressionless face, "it just feels forced."

 

And he's right, even though I truly did love him in the deepest parts of me, all the unresolved conflict was closer to the surface... and so it was forced. But I still felt like I was trying so hard to fix things and he just wouldn't help me, which made me even more mad.

 

But the thing that I wonder about now, because it's what he claims is true, is whether maybe he felt like he tried to fix things with me months prior to this, and maybe at that point *I* was the blind and unreceptive one. He told me he felt like he had been making efforts for a very long time and that I had been the cold one for so long.

 

I don't know if that is true... but I guess it is something to think about.

 

It is funny, she used to accuse me constantly about "being so negative" and "dragging her down". The thing is, everyone who knows me it completely aware that I've made massive strides in the past few years with my 'negativity'. I feel so much more 'positive' then in years past, and her and I even met when I was going through some rough times ... so she, IMHO, should have been aware of some of the differences in me.

 

This sounds a bit like what my current b/f says to me sometimes. I try (calmly and respectfully as I can) to tell him I think its better to just let things go sometimes rather than ranting and getting worked up. But he tells me that I don't understand... that he IS so much more calm now than he used to be.

 

Thing is... even if we know and feel proud of the changes we've made, its all too easy for someone else to still say "meh... not good enough."

 

I guess all you can do is say "well.. I'm just a work in progress" and then hope they have enough empathy to meet you halfway. It seems like in order to resolve something between a pair of stubborn people, neither party can be made to feel like they are 100% wrong haha

Part of the problem we had was just that we (at least I'd like to think so) tried so often, but it never changed anything. I broke down at one point and flat out told her she needed to go into therapy for the relationship to work out. Told her either individual, or couples therapy was fine, but we needed a 3rd party to mediate and translate for us. She agreed, but then when the time came to do it would always come up with a lame excuse. It was at that point I started wondering if it was going to last ... because she could happily point out my faults and shortcomings in regard to the relationship and watch me go to therapy but she'd throw a tizzy if I pointed out things she didn't communicate well or that bothered me (and would go defensive-attacker on me) and refused to get outside aid for her issues.

 

I'm glad you were able to recognize the need for therapy and the potential benefits. It is a real shame that she couldn't recognize it. I actually brought this up a few times with my ex, and I actually believe that had we done this a couple months before our split, it really might have saved us. But... both parties have to be willing, or nothing happens. And my ex... well I guess he was just too macho for that stuff. *sigh*

 

Thanks. I'd really glad I stumbled accross this place last year, it has helped me even just by being a place to vent frustration and have people wander in and share a soapbox with me ... or to see other people struggle with their own problems and try and give a helping word here and there - makes me feel good, ya' know?

 

Cliche', but this definitely is going to be a learner for me. I hope she learns too, but I doubt she will, she is very stubborn and seems to be narcissistic enough to think she is perfectly fine and doesn't need to improve. .. 'course, it aint' my problem anymore, technically

 

 

Thanks for stopping by lol ... I probably just wrote another book-of-a-post without realizing again.

 

I know just what you mean. Especially being in a relationship that is going sour due to incessant little fights... you start to wonder "am I going crazy here?" But hearing that other people have been in your shoes before feeling the same frustrations... it really helps.

 

Actually, I think I responded so much to your post because I just had a little epiphany reading it, and suddenly hearing arguments with my ex over in my head again.... and finally seeing things from his side as well. So, thanks.

 

Heh... and I think I've just written a book as well.

 

But I don't mind... any time you feel the need to rant, you can certainly send it my way.

[cc2006]

That is what I think is so theraputic about talking to fresh people or sympathetic strangers about stuff like this... they can tell you the exact same thing that your ex might have been trying to tell you, but somehow... you are able to listen to them better.

 

True. Weird, that I'd rather have a stranger reading my text online tell me I'm a jerk then my partner at the time. LOL .. she got wenchy at me once because I tell my therapist so much, and she went into a "how come you can talk to her but not me?!" tirade. First thought into my head was, "because you'd act like this and spaz out."

 

I used to get this feeling all the time. And the funny thing is, I would often try to consciously let go of it and think my way out of it. I would think things like "I'm going to smile at him more" "I'm going to kill him with kindness" "tonight, I'm going to seduce him"..... but I often would freeze up when I entered his ice-field and my attempts would be half-assed.

 

OMG, totally. I would sit myself down and say, "Self -" because that is what I call myself "- you need to try and smile more around her" ... and I'd try, and it'd either fail because she wasn't smiley that day, or it'd go completely unnoticed.

 

And he's right, even though I truly did love him in the deepest parts of me, all the unresolved conflict was closer to the surface... and so it was forced. But I still felt like I was trying so hard to fix things and he just wouldn't help me, which made me even more mad.

 

It sucks, really, that you can have such feelings for someone and then a dump-truck-load of annoyance, hurt, and conflict can get lumped on top of it and just swallow up the light. She told me during our last conversation, "Well I learned one thing ..." ... and here I'm thinking its going to be something good or introspective ... " ... that love is not enough."

 

True, indeed, but I was hoping for more. lol

 

But the thing that I wonder about now, because it's what he claims is true, is whether maybe he felt like he tried to fix things with me months prior to this, and maybe at that point *I* was the blind and unreceptive one. He told me he felt like he had been making efforts for a very long time and that I had been the cold one for so long.

 

I don't know if that is true... but I guess it is something to think about.

 

Worth thinking about for sure. I feel I was trying to fix things for the last few months. I was making a conscious effort to improve the relationship. She never saw that though, it seems - witnessed by her gagging and snottily replying to me when I told her I felt like I had tried my best. I realize ... my best just wasn't good enough for her. I used to beat the living crapola' out of myself because "your best isn't enough" would just slash through my mind ... but ... I got to finally, and calmly, realize that it should be enough. If your partner is giving you 100% commitment then how can you act like that isn't anything? I started to see her as unreasonable. (I kinda' always did - but that is a possible character flaw of mine, I am waaaay too rational and logical for my own good, and people hefting illogical and irrational demands upon me look like fools to me.)

 

"Well that doesn't make much sense" was a common verbiage of mine. Her reply was usually along the lines of, "Well love doesn't have to make sense." I'd boggle over that, and still do to a degree.

 

This sounds a bit like what my current b/f says to me sometimes. I try (calmly and respectfully as I can) to tell him I think its better to just let things go sometimes rather than ranting and getting worked up. But he tells me that I don't understand... that he IS so much more calm now than he used to be.

 

Calmly and respectfully is good. lol .. I'd have responded MUCH better to that at any time.

 

Sometimes you just need to blow off steam though, I guess. In my case, 90% of the time I wasn't even "getting worked up" over the things ... I just .. well .. I almost enjoy pointing out when people are inconsiderate jerks. I guess I look to people to say, "Yeah, you're right .. those morons" instead of "Shut up you're so negative you make me want to kill myself", etc.

 

Part of it is just a way for me to say "I'm more considerate then those people - pay attention and realize how great I am", in a way. I'm insecure to a degree and used to be very self-hating ... so I have a weird way of doing things. lol

 

Thing is... even if we know and feel proud of the changes we've made, its all too easy for someone else to still say "meh... not good enough."

 

I guess all you can do is say "well.. I'm just a work in progress" and then hope they have enough empathy to meet you halfway. It seems like in order to resolve something between a pair of stubborn people, neither party can be made to feel like they are 100% wrong haha

 

lol .. yeah, we're all just works in progress until our bodies cease function. I'm proud of the steps I've taken to get out of the place I was at before. I spent several years of my life in a hole, basically. Thanks to all that I'm still emotionally guarded, coming off cold and overly-rational most the time, and definitely have issues being complimentary ... but ... I'm ok with who I am now for the most part, so why should I be forced to change for someone that is supposed to love me for whom I am?

 

I'm glad you were able to recognize the need for therapy and the potential benefits. It is a real shame that she couldn't recognize it. I actually brought this up a few times with my ex, and I actually believe that had we done this a couple months before our split, it really might have saved us. But... both parties have to be willing, or nothing happens. And my ex... well I guess he was just too macho for that stuff. *sigh*

 

I'm positive that if she had given therapy a chance when we were together, a real honest and 100% head-first chance, we'd still be together and things may have in fact been at a junction she wanted them to be at.

 

She has so many issues (some big, some little) that if she worked on them it could make huge improvements in her disposition. I always told her that cliche' about if you don't love yourself then no one will be able to love you ... and she is just so unhappy inside that it makes it hard to handle.

 

Do you want to spend a day or two a week dragging someone out of the depths of depression, all with a smile on your face?

 

What really hurt me .. I mean a large amount .. is one day she just suddenly started blaming it all on me. "I was totally positive before I met you, ask my friends. Now? Well now you rubbed off on me and I'm negative and depressed all the time." - and the classic - "I think I'm ugly and fat because you don't tell me I'm skinny and beautiful ever." Oh great ... make your psychological issues MY fault, that'll help me feel good about our relationship.

 

Actually, I think I responded so much to your post because I just had a little epiphany reading it, and suddenly hearing arguments with my ex over in my head again.... and finally seeing things from his side as well. So, thanks.

 

Well .. awesome .. hope that little burst of light gave you a new perspective on things ... or was at least entertaining to think about for a little while. lol

 

Heh... and I think I've just written a book as well.

 

Good, now I don't feel alone

 

But I don't mind... any time you feel the need to rant, you can certainly send it my way.

 

Same to you ... see, my ex always told me in textual format I always sound great and am good at expressing myself and making friends and influencing people. ... its the actual talking face-to-face I supposedly suck at

[ImThatGirl]

*Raises Hand*

 

Can't offer much more besides: Hugs and comfort to the length of your posts! lol I post too much all the time.... Can't seem to shorten them.

 

Hope it gets better - will check in tonight.

[Nixee]

OMG, totally. I would sit myself down and say, "Self -" because that is what I call myself "- you need to try and smile more around her" ... and I'd try, and it'd either fail because she wasn't smiley that day, or it'd go completely unnoticed.

 

Unnoticed... ugh..

 

I remember one evening in particular when I'd decided I was going to seduce him and put a little lovin' back in our relationship. "This will be good," I told myself, "he will smile at me and say 'ahhh... we really needed that' and he will hold me all night remembering how much he loves and adores me." Pffffft.

 

I went into the bedroom thinking he was just behind me.... wait a few minutes... no... wait a bit more... getting lonely here... went into the guest room, he was still at his computer. "Aren't you coming to bed?" "What? uh... yeah.. I'm just going to do this one thing first.... "

 

And so then I go back to the bedroom and sigh, and just then his phone rings. Its his girl-friend (read: friend who is a girl who he has had a lifelong crush on) calling from 3 time zones away to cry on his shoulder about her marriage problems. Boo hoo, lady, he has his own relationship probs to focus on right now.

 

So basically I ended up lying there quietly crying to myself, feeling like the simplest task of getting my boyfriend's attention on me was something I couldn't do. I mean.. sure... I probably should have put on some lingerie right then and there and gone and FORCED him to get the message... but with all the underlying conflict and uneasiness, getting up the courage to do something that brazen just wasn't in me. I honestly, truly feared him rolling his eyes at me and saying no.

 

Even though a better sex life was on his list of wants when we would fight.... it seemed that at this point, I couldn't even give him what he wanted without him crossing his arms, scoffing and saying "pfft... I don't even want that now" like some sort of prissy teenager.

 

I feel I was trying to fix things for the last few months. I was making a conscious effort to improve the relationship. She never saw that though, it seems - witnessed by her gagging and snottily replying to me when I told her I felt like I had tried my best. I realize ... my best just wasn't good enough for her.

 

Much like my ex here.... but I have to bring up the possibility that maybe she had already given up months before (whether reasonable or not). If someone has already given up, of course you aren't going to be able to win them over. Your best really isn't good enough.

 

The really crappy thing is that if that was the case, she probably should have had the decency to tell you before. I think my ex kinda wanted to tell me his own doubts, but when he opened his mouth it came out as, "hey let's move in together."

 

... and she is just so unhappy inside that it makes it hard to handle.

 

Do you want to spend a day or two a week dragging someone out of the depths of depression, all with a smile on your face?

 

This actually makes me feel bad for my ex a bit... he had to deal with me in a depressive state a number of times, and I know it was very hard on him. I can't imagine anyone likes to be around that.

 

But on the flipside, it is a horrible way to feel. You know that your anger and sadness are irrational, but you feel them anyways. You want to tell someone "I love you.. I'm so sorry for being so difficult and hard on you" but the way it comes out is "whineee whinne whine whinee... you need to love me more and fix me!" Pathetic really, but you just don't know what else to do. And THEN... when someone close to you (usually your significant other) calls you on it, you get super defensive about it.

 

Trouble is, you really feel like you can't help it. And yet those close to you can't help but feel beat up by you and thereforeeee rather frustrated. It's a nasty circle, and I applaud those who do know how to deal with it well. I think with time I'm learning more and more.

 

(though thankfully, for me, a root medical problem was found that contributed greatly to my mood swings and is now under control)

 

... its the actual talking face-to-face I supposedly suck at

 

Well... maybe according to her, just remember that much.

 

Course, I can't say one way or the other haha...

but if nothing else, I'm sure your experience with her has taught you quite a bit about do's and don'ts. I know I sure watch my own mouth quite a bit now with the new guy in my life.

[cc2006]

*Raises Hand*

 

Can't offer much more besides: Hugs and comfort to the length of your posts! lol I post too much all the time.... Can't seem to shorten them.

 

Hope it gets better - will check in tonight.

 

lol .. thanks

 

 

 

 

Even though a better sex life was on his list of wants when we would fight.... it seemed that at this point, I couldn't even give him what he wanted without him crossing his arms, scoffing and saying "pfft... I don't even want that now" like some sort of prissy teenager.

 

We had a similar issue in a way. It just seemed forced and/or planned after a while - and sadly didn't engage me to actually pursue it. Almost like a "we should do this because it'll make us closer" instead of "because we really want to". Then it just vanished all together.

 

I also felt really bad for her because I just don't think she understands what 'sexy' is or how she could exude it. I tried talking to her about it but it just seemed awkward and uncomfortable. I'm one of those people that has to be connected mentally to actually enjoy my sex-life and her attitude didn't 'draw me in' at the end.

 

 

Much like my ex here.... but I have to bring up the possibility that maybe she had already given up months before (whether reasonable or not). If someone has already given up, of course you aren't going to be able to win them over. Your best really isn't good enough.

 

The really crappy thing is that if that was the case, she probably should have had the decency to tell you before. I think my ex kinda wanted to tell me his own doubts, but when he opened his mouth it came out as, "hey let's move in together."

 

While it is possible that she gave up before I had and I was just dragging things out - she is, and probably always will be - impossible to please fully. I'm super laid-back ... even if dinner isn't good I still eat it (my friends find this hilarious) ... even if a movie is bad I still watch it (even just to laugh at how bad it is). In a relationship I don't require to be constantly happy ... I know that just doesn't happen, constantly unending happyness ... so I'm perfectly happy with just being 'content' with little bits of happiness thrown in

 

During the start of the relationship she always seemed to compare me to her friend's boyfriends and husbands. Then she'd nitpick the little things I didn't seem to do to the point where I was whittled down to a toothpick of self-esteem at times. "Well so-and-so's boyfriend drives 3 hours every weekend to be with her because they're in different states". Well, good for so-and-so ... I personally would find that a little overwhelming for myself to do. "Whosawhatsit's boyfriend always compliments her on how beautiful she is every day, at least three times!" Well, good for her .. but what make me feel inferior just because some other guy is so good at something?

 

I felt like I was supposed to be a composite of all these different men ... the best of each of their personalities ... or else she'd point out how I don't live up to expectation again. Everyone around me who met her told me she seemed overly needy, and very high maintenance. She swore she wasn't until the end though - lol - even going as far as just getting upset and asking me if I thought she was high maintenance once in a while. "Well, to be honest, you do ask for a lot" would get back "No I don't! I just ask for what I need" or "No I don't, I'm not asking for much!" Well, honey, your 'not much' is a lot to everyone I know.

 

 

This actually makes me feel bad for my ex a bit... he had to deal with me in a depressive state a number of times, and I know it was very hard on him. I can't imagine anyone likes to be around that.

 

But on the flipside, it is a horrible way to feel. You know that your anger and sadness are irrational, but you feel them anyways. You want to tell someone "I love you.. I'm so sorry for being so difficult and hard on you" but the way it comes out is "whineee whinne whine whinee... you need to love me more and fix me!" Pathetic really, but you just don't know what else to do. And THEN... when someone close to you (usually your significant other) calls you on it, you get super defensive about it.

 

Trouble is, you really feel like you can't help it. And yet those close to you can't help but feel beat up by you and thereforeeee rather frustrated. It's a nasty circle, and I applaud those who do know how to deal with it well. I think with time I'm learning more and more.

 

Oh no ... I've been there, depressed horribly, and I do feel bad for the people who have had to deal with it/me in the past. When I'm sad, gloomy, or depressive I just want to be left alone though. I shut down and lock myself in the house and work it through on my own. I hate when people try and placate me or 'hug it away'. "I'll be fine ... I just need time to myself to deal with this" was my mantra. Both for my own sanity, and to space everyone around me from having to deal with me.

 

I felt like she just 'needed me' (as she put it) waaaay too often because she was depressive. It felt like 'The Boy Who Cried Wolf' at times ... because she'd just fling depressive behavior around and 'need me' so often I got burnt out. I can be sympathetic or empathetic ... but geez ... it takes a lot out of someone to deal with pulling a person out of a depressive funk ... so I just got tired of it because it was so frequent. Then throw in the fact that she blamed me at times for her funks. The conversations we'd have until late at night with me trying to make her feel better usually left her happier and able to get a good night's rest, but all the "you don't ____ " and "so-and-so's husband _____ " or "you don't love me enough" stuff would feel like I was getting smashed in the head with a depressive brick until I couldn't sleep and was upset. She'd dump everything on me, I'd absorb it like a sponge, and we'd change places ... she'd be happier and I'd be miserable. Then it took me 2 days on my own to fight back out of it.

 

I felt like a battery ... I'd charge her when she was down and then I'd be down for a couple days while I got myself pepped back up. Not a fun way to live your life.

 

 

Course, I can't say one way or the other haha...

but if nothing else, I'm sure your experience with her has taught you quite a bit about do's and don'ts. I know I sure watch my own mouth quite a bit now with the new guy in my life.

 

Oh yeah, this has taught me some things. Definitely shown me that I don't need to (and shouldn't) let someone make me feel like that. I also need to learn to walk away when the red flags go up (there were some very early in the relationship with my ex) ... before I get so invested in a relationship that you cross into the "well it has been so long that I should just try and put up with this behavior" zone.

 

 

It is a tough balance to find ... between being yourself and 'watching your mouth' as you said or things like that ... you can lose yourself in a relationship and then pause, and look in the mirror and wonder what you've become. I have an internal struggle in that regard ... I get wrapped up in things and then wake up one day and just revolt against myself ... realizing I don't feel like "me" anymore ... like I've been trying to be what my partner wants me to be (and in her case, failing to go far enough).

 

I dunno' ... just my thoughts for today lol

[VeganBohemian]

Maybe you should ask her to read your posts.

[JeckyllNHyde]

you should read the book: Men are from mars, women are from venus. i know it sounds like a cliche book to advise to someone, but i swear i read about all the problems you 2 are having in that book (my dad got it as a giift and of course never bothered to read it so i got bored and did). it explains so many things women do , like express stuff negatively, nag, not give guys their space when they need it a little bit, assum the guy will magicly KNOW what she wants to be done without her saying anything.and for the guys it explains better ways to make your girl/woman feel like you care, and why women react certain ways...

[VeganBohemian]

Agreed. That book is golden.

[Nixee]

I also felt really bad for her because I just don't think she understands what 'sexy' is or how she could exude it. I tried talking to her about it but it just seemed awkward and uncomfortable. I'm one of those people that has to be connected mentally to actually enjoy my sex-life and her attitude didn't 'draw me in' at the end.

 

Hah... yeah, I've kinda heard that before. The thing is, with my relationship... at the beginning there was absolutely no problem in the bedroom and with the exuding of the sexiness. I felt comfortable, and I felt loved and appreciated, and when someone feels that way, its 1 million times easier to be and feel sexy for your partner.

 

But especially with women, if someone is having depression or low self esteem issues, turning on that sex appeal is just so difficult. Its like an obese person running a marathon, truly. Somehow they have gotten out of sexy-shape.

 

From what you've said about your g/f, the way she asked and begged for your attention and compliments, it sounds like she was having some really serious self-esteem issues, and I'm guessing that was the problem here. Even though she may have been completely wrong, she felt unloved by you. That can make a woman timid where she needs to be a tiger.

 

so I'm perfectly happy with just being 'content' with little bits of happiness thrown in

 

The ultimate goal, isn't it? I used to say that a lot.

 

 

During the start of the relationship she always seemed to compare me to her friend's boyfriends and husbands. Then she'd nitpick the little things I didn't seem to do to the point where I was whittled down to a toothpick of self-esteem at times. "Well so-and-so's boyfriend drives 3 hours every weekend to be with her because they're in different states". Well, good for so-and-so ... I personally would find that a little overwhelming for myself to do. "Whosawhatsit's boyfriend always compliments her on how beautiful she is every day, at least three times!" Well, good for her .. but what make me feel inferior just because some other guy is so good at something?

 

A lot of women do this, sadly. I am guilty myself to a degree, and I struggle with it everyday. I think it has to be a compromise ultimately. For her to expect you to be someone else was completely unfair, but on the other hand... if she is dropping hints at things she feels she needs in a relationship, then trying to give in a little and show her that you care and want to satisfy her in your own way is a wonderful thing to do. If she can't recognize this, or if she is unwilling to make her own effort... that is where things get ugly and unfair.

 

Sounds like she wasn't very good at expressing her needs in a calm and reasonable way.

 

 

 

Oh no ... I've been there, depressed horribly, and I do feel bad for the people who have had to deal with it/me in the past. When I'm sad, gloomy, or depressive I just want to be left alone though. I shut down and lock myself in the house and work it through on my own. I hate when people try and placate me or 'hug it away'. "I'll be fine ... I just need time to myself to deal with this" was my mantra. Both for my own sanity, and to space everyone around me from having to deal with me.

 

But you have to remember that this is how you deal. Even though it was crappy of her to depend so much on you and pull you down with her, some people really hate and fear being alone when they feel that way. I think women in general are just far more likely to want those "hug it away" hugs than men are.

 

 

... she'd be happier and I'd be miserable.

 

Isn't that sort of balance horrible?

I remember realizing the same thing about my ex and I. Took one of us being down for the other to be ecstatic it seemed. Which is why I now struggle for compromise more than ever.

 

 

 

 

It is a tough balance to find ... between being yourself and 'watching your mouth' as you said or things like that ... you can lose yourself in a relationship and then pause, and look in the mirror and wonder what you've become.

 

Very tough to find. In fact, I'd say its my own current struggle. I am who I am, I love what I love, and what is important to me probably isn't going to change... but then.. my boyfriend may not love the same things, or have exactly the same values. Do I discredit him for that? Do I try to change myself? Imagining that I'll find some magic person who does everything the same way I do and loves all the same things as me.... well thats just a bit foolish I think. But so is being in a relationship that can't meet your needs. Its a very hard thing.... trying to accept someone for who they are. Love them for who they are, but don't hate them for who they aren't.