Why do men not call right away?

[Batya33]

It depends. Sometimes men ask me out for the next date while we are still out on the date, sometimes they call the next day but it is entirely reasonable to call a few days later. In the last 10 years or so (I am 41) I noticed that men stopped playing that "I can't call the next day" game. Also, if a man is dating other women, he might not call the very next day because he needs to see what happens on the next date.

 

Also, in your case you did not have an actual date - I think you wrote you suggested while you were talking that you could come over or he suggested the same and you did and hung out. So, if he wants to ask you out on a date he plans in advance for next weekend, as long as he calls by Wednesday that's fine. As far as the kissing I don't think physical intimacy has anything to do with the speed in which a man will call after the first time you hang out together. Certainly you shouldn't expect a faster call - you agreed to go to his house, a clear signal that you were comfortable being alone with him and potentially kissing him - and neither of you discussed seeing each other again. As far as you texting him, that's fine and it was nice of him to text you back. Whether he wants to ask you out on a date is a separate issue.

[Batya33]

I'm soooo surprised that so far every man has answered that he wouldn't call. You think even though the woman made it clear in your meeting...(by conversation and tenderness) that she was interested in you and getting to know you and seeing you again....you would fear she would view you as clingy so THAT is the reason you would NOT call? I'm truly intrigued.

 

Well, then he could be waiting since he knows that the last time he called you were very eager and available to see him right then, so he doesn't feel that he needs to court you or make plans in advance - he can simply call you the next time he has a free evening and feels like inviting you over again. That would be a reasonable assumption on his part unless you behave differently next time. Most men like at least a wee bit of a challenge, of mystery - not to the extent of "i doubt she would go out with me again" but to feel that the woman is not too too available and that he has to put some thought into when to call and what to ask (i.e. the numerous calls I get from male friends as in "where should I take her?").

[Sir Tristan CA]

pretty much... I do it because most of the time whenever I'm calling the next day it's to firm up plans for something like a date or whatever with the girl in question. I really don't want to have to ask my SLOOOOOWW parents while I'm on the phone with her, because then I'd have to ignore her while my parents ramble on towards a possible decision, and that's rude. Usually I'll wait to call her until after I've been given the okay from my parents. For guys that are adults and live on their own, they may be trying to coordinate with friends and family to make sure that they're free. And, like many others said, the whole point is to NOT look desperate... I made that mistake once... bleh.

[Tethys]

Well, then he could be waiting since he knows that the last time he called you were very eager and available to see him right then, so he doesn't feel that he needs to court you or make plans in advance - he can simply call you the next time he has a free evening and feels like inviting you over again.

 

I agree with this. When my boyfriend did call me after that five-day period, he tried to ask me out for that night. I said no, I couldn't go out that night. I could have gone out that night if I really wanted to but 1) I knew I had to get up early the next day and 2) he didn't seem worth staying out late for if he waited five days to call me and then tried to get me to drop everything at a moment's notice just to see him! It seemed quite presumptuous to me at the time!

 

However, he did genuinely like me so we made plans for later, and it turned out well.

[Batya33]

A perfect example of a man who needed slight re-training because he probably was used to women who dropped everything to see him and he didn't mean to offend you by asking you out last minute.

[hosswhispra]

I suspect most men are afraid to call and signal they're enamored. They don't want the next date to be a discussion of baby names and home decor, but just a breezy-get-to-know-you outing.

 

Sure, you don't behave that way, but that's the extreme manifestation of a guy's worst nightmare.

 

Pearls of wisdom ^

 

Thanks Dako!

 

 

[Tethys]

A perfect example of a man who needed slight re-training because he probably was used to women who dropped everything to see him and he didn't mean to offend you by asking you out last minute.

 

LOL, you're probably right, re "retraining." At that point he was used to women pursuing him rather than the other way around, and I think I surprised him.

[Batya33]

Pearls of wisdom ^

 

Thanks Dako!

 

 

 

In my experience, the men often brought up what type of engagement ring I would like, what type of suburban home, etc very early on. There was one guy whose parents ran a business devoted entirely to weddings. On the second date he took me there to meet them while he tried on a tux for a wedding he was going to be in. A bit overwhelming.

[everythingchanges456]

So he called around 545 tonight but I was stuck late at work and didn't leave until 745...i called back around 8 and got his voice mail...left a message returning his call and to call when he can....

[everythingchanges456]

of course I was a little disappointed insdie that I missed his call....but perhaps from what alot of you say...it may be a good thing. though, now that I think about it...many of you may think it was not a great idea that I returned his call while on my way home from work??

[JeckyllNHyde]

No, it is good you did or else YOU may come off as playing too hard to get I think. Guys like a chase but not TOO much.

At least you aren't constantly available every single time he calls, and that shows you have a life too.

[everythingchanges456]

It's just disappointing because I was so anxious to talk with him and happy to see that he called today so when I returned his call and reached his voice mail...I'm disappointed because I won't be able to speak with him today likely...and I've really been looking forward to it. Yes! It's a good sign he called me today (Monday) after seeing him Saturday night...that made me smile.

 

I was thinking, based on some of the advice here, that I shouldn't have said in my message that I just got off work a little bit ago and was driving home and saw he called so I was calling back to say hello. Maybe saying I just got out of work put me right back in the "too available" slot... I got home (it's a long drive) and sat here hoping (tho i wouldn't tell him) that he'll call tonight...I really have a lil crush on him and would love to chat a bit...but that was at 8 i left the message and it's 930 now. I know I'm a grown woman in high school girl mode...I'm disappointed in just listening to myself! hehe but it's nice to feel all giddy to talk to someone....so thanks for putting up with me and the advice. (I really am a pretty solid in control person typically!! This forum just gives me an opportunity to write out my inner thoughts!)

[Batya33]

That's good that he called and it's fine that you missed the call. Yes, there is some acting "as if" when you have a big crush like this "as if" you are happy to hear from him but not like this is the best thing that's ever happened to you. Why? Because it's not. I would keep the conversation to under 20 minutes and then say "thanks again for calling - great to catch up with you" and let him ask you out on a date if he wants the benefit of talking to you further.

[JeckyllNHyde]

Lol. Well, just don't overanalyze your every move.. Go with the flow as much as you can, but DO keep the advice in mind. If you did tell him you just got off work it's no biggie. If you guys have been on a few dates already, it's ok to be that "eager" as long as you aren't waiting around and are busy with work, etc.

[everythingchanges456]

I've only seen him twice...once the night we met a week and a half ago, then we spoke on the phone for 15 min or so last saturdayon the 'phone...then we spoke for about an hour or more this Saturday on the 'phone and then I had drinks and conversation at his house on Saturday night...so outside of the night we met...we've had one get together. I didn't sound eager in my message but I did say that I saw he called and I just got off work and was driving home. And in retrospect thought maybe I shouldn't have said that part.

 

I'm wondering since he didn't return my message from two hours ago what he's up to and why he didn't call back (again...writing to you guys is my way of airing out my thoughts so please don't be hard on me for speaking what I'm thinking...it helps me keep it in check)

[everythingchanges456]

I really was looking forward to talking to him....and hoped he'd call....It's after 10 so I guess not today. Crushes are no fun...look at me all hoping and waiting...

 

I guess tomorrow is another day....now that he thinks I work until 8!!! It just so happened I was stuck three hours late tonight

[JeckyllNHyde]

I'm wondering since he didn't return my message from two hours ago what he's up to and why he didn't call back (again...writing to you guys is my way of airing out my thoughts so please don't be hard on me for speaking what I'm thinking...it helps me keep it in check)

 

Well as long as you only say that here and dont let him know thats how you feel. That would come off as way too clingy.

And maybe he is just playing hard to get as well, like he did in the beginning. Rememeber what you firgured out on this thread that you love a chase and you realise that it builds anticipation/interest. Keep that in mind: that's it's all part of this dating "game".

Relax ... Dont overanalyze though, this is just the beginning... Watch a comedy, or do something fun at home, etc. And keep venting here if you need to. Good luck.

[everythingchanges456]

Yes just here (no way! would he know these inner thoughts! this is just my inner girl excitement) it made me happy to see he called so soon after we got together (and after reading posts here I feel like the fact that he waited one day shows perhaps more genuine interest and that he's not looking for a fling).....

 

Although I woke up knowing that even if he called today and asked me out for this evening I would decline on short notice with some excuse but choose another date in the near future....I did, if I'm being honest, knew he talked on Saturday about going out on his boat one day after work so sure if I'm being honest I feel like he called me after work to see if I wanted to go out on the boat (because I love stuff like that) and I missed his call and the opportunity to see him. Then, when I called back he was probably already out on his boat and that's why I didn't reach him. Yes I know I'm overanalyzing...dear diary,...

 

And...I was feeling good today...outfit worked...hair worked...was feeling on top of the world to woo him...lol but then getting stuck over three hours late at work...left stressed and anxious so this just enhanced my anxious'ness from being so stressed from a long hard day and missing out because of it on a conversation I was looking forward to....

[everythingchanges456]

And maybe he is just playing hard to get as well, like he did in the beginning. Rememeber what you firgured out on this thread that you love a chase and you realise that it builds anticipation/interest. Keep that in mind: that's it's all part of this dating "game". QUOTE]

 

I can't imagine he's playing a game...would a man listen to my return phone message and intentionally say..."I'll just call her back tomorrow or another day as not to seem anxious"

??

[Batya33]

I think it is perfectly reasonable to return a call within 24 hours. I know that I am not always in the mood to return a call and it's not like he needs to call you to confirm a plan. Try to relax so that your nervousness and anxiety won't inadvertently come through on the phone.

[everythingchanges456]

I know I need to put it out of my head and calm down....he called, right? lol I guess i just hoped he was as anxious to call me back as I am to talk to him

[android12]

im really lazy and need to get going so i havent been able to read thru all the posts but from the 3 pages i have read, ppl have come to the consensus that the guy will not phone the next day UNLESS they want a booty call or are IN a relationship already....

 

my story is different lol...i met my guy at a club and we talked, danced, made out etc but there was chemistry there. we exchanged phone numbers and after he left he smsed me and thanked me for a night out, said if his mate bothered me to sms him and to have a good night and safe trip home. my friend came back to my place to spend the night and we spoke about it all night almost and woke up late afternoon. at around 6ish/7ish he smsed and we smsed back and forth a couple of times while my friend was over. he got round to asking me and my friend to meet up with him and his friend for movies. we've been together so far for over 4 months.

 

anyway during that time, my friends bf asked her if he had called. she said nah its too early...only the next day. both of us went with the 3 day rule about guys not wanting to seem eager etc...but to our surprise he said "if a guy really likes a chick, he's going to contact her early rather than play it out for a week - it just becomes a power thing" he then asked her "did he sms her?" she said yup and said on the night. he said "then he must really like her" anyway course everyones different etc but yea thats just an example of an exception, someoen who didnt contact me the next day and just for a booty call. i havent slept with him either lol. we respect each other completely and it has nothing to do with waiting 3 days to a week to get a call back from him.

 

anyway yea...most guys will call back around 3 days later but from what my friends bf said...if they are really interested they will contact u sooner...

[Cooperstown]

The reason I don't call right away is because I don't wanna seem to eager, desperate, or overbearing. I've been told I come on strong and that is something I have to constantly keep in check, waiting helps me do this but it seems really stupid to me.

[sarge17]

Does not show lack of interest and no he would not have called immediately even if his attraction level was at 100% if he is smart.

 

It depends on age and the type of man. Some men and or women have a lot going on in their life. It might not be possible to contact at a certain time or time frame. Jobs, family, other commitments all play a role. Sometimes people need to have a clear head to make contact with someone they are interested in. Might have a big project at work going on, wont call until it is finished or some other reasons. You dont want someone who makes you the center of their universe.

 

I for one need a clear head to contact someone I'm intereted in and wont do it until the time is right. By that I mean no distactions from job, business, other people or whatever else. I want to talk to that person with no distractions in sight.

[everythingchanges456]

I suppose I don't understand the idea that a man might have a lot going on and no time to call. I feel as though if someone really was interested in getting to know you and was excited about it...they would want to call and would want to make plans. I guess that's why I'm confused...wondering if that's just not the way it is.