Why do men not call right away?

[Batya33]

Yes, in my experience even if a man is very very busy (which is typically the type of man I date) if he is sincerely interested in getting to know a lady with the potential for a relationship, he will put in the effort to make sure she is available to see him by calling in advance to ask her out for a date he plans. he doesn't want to risk some other guy snapping her up/asking her out.

 

Sometimes he will try to see her a lot in the beginning but then the lady, if she wants to make sure it's not too much too soon, can nicely decline to see him more than a few times a week.

 

My personal opinion on what is going on with this guy is that he enjoys chatting with you, enjoys hanging out and hooking up, but doesn't see this right now as someone with long term potential. And, since you are jumping every time he calls and making sure he knows that you are putting him at top priority even when you are out socially by texting with him even then (so there is no chance he could even think you might be out with another guy), and available for last minute hanging out, he has less motivation to ask you out on a proper date in advance.

 

What you are doing seems to work well for you but I would not question whether this is "how it usually is" - just ask yourself whether the pros and cons are weighted towards the "pro" side. As I wrote last week, the pros to your approach are that you get to see him possibly more than you would if you declined (because he is not asking you out on a date, or asking you out in advance) - if you declined, he might not be willing to put in the effort to see you if he had to make a plan in advance and take you out. This way, you get to see him and hook up with him, which seems to be your top priority based on the pattern of your behavior since you met him.

 

My guess is that you are asking these questions because you are not entirely comfortable with his approach - that is on the "con" side but if I am not mistaken, you are prioritizing getting to see him no matter if it is last minute or not or whether he cancels plans at the last minute, over perhaps a more long term view.

[everythingchanges456]

I think many relationships start out now a days in unconventional ... less old fashioned ways.

[Batya33]

Yes they can of course except here he is telling you he is not interested in a relationship so he has shut that option down before you've even had a date. I personally don't know of any happy long term relationships which started out with the man calling the woman last minute several times in a week to ask her to hang out at his home. I have heard of happy marriages starting out with a one night stand but those are the exception and typically after the one night stand the couple talks about seeing if they can have a relationship, not talking about why one of them doesn't want a relationship.

 

My approach isn't "conventional" or "old fashioned" - it's based on a foundation of respect and where the lady feels at least a little special based on the man making plans in advance to take her out- to the extent it involves the man asking the lady out for a date he plans in advance rather than vice versa I don't consider that old fashioned - it's the way it works most of the time between adults who are looking for a relationship.

 

It's all a risk. I wouldn't risk hanging out and hooking up with a man who already told me he isn't available for a relationship unless he "really clicks" (I guess you're supposed to audition for that role by being available last minute to hang out and hook up??) on the slight chance that I might be able to charm/seduce him into wanting a relationship. Sounds kinda icky to me despite the pleasure of long conversations and long kisses on the couch. It's the way I'd feel the next morning about it that would up the "ick factor."

[everythingchanges456]

I suppose it's all early on and yet to be determined. He did say he wasn't looking for a relationship but that he was open to one. It's all speculation at this point. I will see what happens.

[Batya33]

To me it would not be speculation - a man telling me he was not looking for a relationship means he is going against his best interest if he truly were open to one by putting up barriers and red flags. If I heard that my answer would be "thanks so much for your honesty. I am looking for a relationship so if in the future you change your mind feel free to contact me and if I am still interested and available I will consider it." he is saying he is open to one so that you will continue to hang out with him, no strings attached, no effort on his part so that he can have some female company until he decides he is ready for a relationship. Think about how icky that will feel if a few months down the road he stops asking you to hang out because he has found a lady he would like to date? He will say that he told you he wasn't looking for a relationship and thereforeeee it was your risk in getting attached. he will be right.

 

Your way is a good approach as far as giving yourself permission to continue hanging out with him, but you are playing with fire with your emotions - all relationships are risky of course but getting attached to someone who's been very clear about his intentions from the get go is unnecesarily risky and closes off options to meeting someone who is interested in a potential relationship with you.

[everythingchanges456]

Thank you all for your advice...you have no idea how I appreciate it because it helps me keep a grip on things and sort out my thoughts! If he said that he was completely AGAINST a relationship....then I would not pursue it...but I don't feel that is what he meant...he's just not looking for one. I am sure this will become more clear in one direction or another within the next few weeks.

[everythingchanges456]

okay so i will unfortunately it seems take the overall opinion and back off. If he is truly interested he will realize and ask me out. I've already flat out told him last I saw him (see new thread) that I would like to go out...and get to know him.

[Batya33]

Is there a reason you left out on your new thread that he asked you to come over last minute and told you he is not looking for a relationship right now?

[everythingchanges456]

no no i think put to reference old thread batya...i didn't want to recreate a novel with the entire story...i'm looking for advice...i wouldn't intentially omit something to alter the response. besides i'm sure at some point most the of the regulars have read the other threads

 

and he did not have me come over and say look, i want you to be aware i'm not looking for a relationship right now. he responded to my question about ... are you looking for a hook up to which he said no i'm def not looking to hit in run but i'm not out looking for a relationship either i'm not looking for marriage i like my life....that doesn't mean if i found the right person i wouldn't love it but i'm not looking for it.

[Batya33]

I understand completely - you and I just interpret that very differently. If a man told me that I would understand he wasn't interested in being in a relationship with me right now and if I proceeded to see him I would understand it was just a fling or the other alternative would be to tell him that when he was positive about wanting a relationship in general he could get back in touch with me. I wouldn't want to risk getting emotionally attached or feel like I was auditioning on the off chance I could get him to change his currently "most likely no thanks" perspective on being in a relationship - hard enough to make a relationship work when both people want it.

[everythingchanges456]

From the first night I met him...he said that he's single because he's choosy and hasn't found the right person yet. He's made it clear by his comments and actions that he is looking for someone. When we directly have spoken about relationships..yes...suddenly this wall comes up. Although, we hardly know eachother right now. The best I can do is be careful with my heart. I do have my moments where I'm ready to write this guy off. However, I tend to highly over analytical...and probably create a bigger deal in my mind about the situation then it is. Truly, he's a great guy with the entire package and I melt when I see him....so for that it's worth me hanging around at least a little while to see where it goes. I just need to be strong enough to keep my eyes open and back away if it's going in a direction that clearly is not the same as mine. Believe me....I'll me looking to ya'll to help me with that

[Batya33]

So - are you saying that although he is putting walls up as far as a relationship he would be open to having sex with you now or soon outside of a relationship? Nothing wrong with casual sex, just interesting if he is not open to being in a relationship but is fine with having the sexual benefits of one with you. And, no, I don't agree that "all men" are like that - the men I have been involved with either have wanted to wait until we knew each other for at least a few months or more in the context of a committed relationship with future potential or have been comfortable waiting until I was ready (which was not until we were committed and together at least a few months).

 

Please don't misunderstand - I wouldn't be judging him for being interested in having sex with you right now, it just would be interesting since he has been clear about the "walls" concerning a relationship.

 

It sounds like you are making excuses for his behavior thus far and rationalizing what he said to you about being in a relationship because you are willing to settle for this casual arrangement so that you can get to know him better. The denial part - on your part - is a little troubling but it's up to you.

 

To me this situation (as it stands now, of course it could change because anything is possible, it's just a balancing of the risks/benefits) requires only the simplest of analysis (if you can even call it an "analysis") - boy meets girl, boy invites girl to his house/hot tub three times in a week last minute; cancels one of the meetings last minute but doesn't ask her out on a proper date; boy tells girl the second time he sees her that he is not open to a relationship but boy seems willing to have sex with girl.

[everythingchanges456]

Batya, I'm not sure but I believe from previous posts I've read...that you are fairly strong in your religious beliefs...which is a great thing...and my family is strong in their's also. I however, am not as active in church and religion. I'm saying this because you speak of the men that you've dated as such "perfect" beings. So, polite...so busy and active, planning in advance...would want to wait to have sex...so many different "ideal" qualities (for you). If, like you, they are fairly active in their religion perhaps that would help me to understand how it's all so "ideal" and "perfect."

 

I have have brothers (awesome ones) and know such a wide variety of men that are friends...coworkers, family, etc. Of those men, there are a very small percentage that when faced with the opportunity to have sex and being single (of course) would not, absolutely not, say no I want to wait. I did NOT have sex with this man...I do NOT blame him for being alone kissing late at night with me and wanting to but he absolutely initiated a conversation with me that he respects very much that I want to wait and that it is absolutely fine with him and he thinks it's good....but just the same he said...that he is a man and that by kissing and "petting" it does get him "worked up" and it's hard to just turn it off like that...so, he said he would prefer then that we not put ourselves in that situation and just not go there right now. Then he wrapped his arms around me and didn't want me to leave his house....cuddled with me and was tender. Every time I tried to leave he would gently guide me back to cuddling. Finally, I did leave. Then called me the next morning. Like I had said.

 

Now maybe this will turn out to be a dead end for me. Maybe it won't but I'm willing to see where it goes. I'm in my thirties (I'm not sure of our age difference you and me) but I've never in my lifetime had a "conventional" dating relationship. That's probably why this doesn't bother me as much. YES, being overanalytical....VERY analytical...it does stick in my mind that I'd like to be asked out but it has only been one week since we started talking and two weeks since we met. I do want to see him more often. It's new though, I don't feel I know him well enough to make the decision as to where it is or is not going.

 

Yes...I'm clueless right now...I have been in a relationship for a long time. I am also used to men falling at my feet and me wanting no part or me calling the shots. Now, I'm not, and yeah it's hard to iron out in my head. I do like this guy...there's so much to like initially...that I do want to know him deeper...maybe that will change. I just need to be cautious...as we all do.

 

I appreciate your advice.

[Batya33]

LOL - I am 41 and am not religious. I never have had and don't have casual sex because I don't desire to - nothing to do with religion - more a combination of no desire and personal values that I've had for over 20 years now (personal meaning I don't judge others who have casual sex as long as they are two consenting adults).

 

I don't date religious men but I do date men who treat me with respect and like a lady if they are interested in dating me. I don't date perfect men at all and I am surprised that you would see it as "perfect" if a man were polite, considerate and respectful - I am sorry your experiences have obviously been with men who are not. That's more like a minimum to me, not unusual in the least.

 

I have dated many many men, have many men friends and co-workers (I work in a male-dominated field) and obviously I know many men and know of men who would not pass up an opportunity to have sex with a lady who agreed to come to their home. I am just saying that that is certainly not all men.

 

I don't fault you at all for wanting to see where this goes - I too have been in similar situations with the only difference being I had no doubts about whether it would turn into a relationship - I put that out of my head and decided that I would just have fun. Once I found myself rationalizing and reading into things like you seem to be doing I knew that I was going down an unproductive and potentially hurtful path. Seen many of my friends do this.

 

I had some wonderful casual dating experiences and flings (many years ago for the most part), some when I was on vacation, some not. What made them so much fun and so wonderful was that I kept my expectations in check, and thereforeeee knew what I was getting into so that I could just relax and have fun.

 

On his specific behavior - aren't you a bit curious why he calls you so much but can't be bothered to make plans in advance to take you out on a date?

[bubblyblonde11]

Men are stupid, throw rocks at them!

 

 

Just kidding please don't hate me I'm just messing it's from a tee-shirt I saw from the shop David and Golath.

[everythingchanges456]

I try very hard to realize that I'm just reading words on a screen and not to misinterpret the tone behind them. Yes, I find it insulting for you to say that obviously I do not date men who have treated me with respect and like a lady. Just because I point out that in many of your posts you talk about these picture perfect scenarios. It just to me comes off as "better" than others...although perhaps not intended to come off that way.

 

I am a lady and treated as one. I understand that you and I differ on some of our views ... which is fine for me as long as it's respectful. It doesn't make me not a lady that I went to his house instead of to a restaurant.

 

YES exactly my curiosity why he calls so much but doesn't make a plan. Entirely frustrating. I'm hoping as this week progresses this will become more clear in one direction or the other.

 

I like our talks and find them good for my thought process...

[Batya33]

I do not think it is picture perfect for a man to ask a lady out for a date he plans in advance - that's just typical at least in my life and those of my male and female friends (ages late 20s to 40-ish) of which I have many and many acquaintances.

I do not think he is treating you with respect because he is calling you last minute when he just met you, inviting you over to his house and hot tub late at night to hang out and hook up. He cancelled plans with you last minute, didn't try to reschedule in advance and then expected you to be available again on a moment's notice. I DO think he is treating you with respect by being very up front that he doesn't see potential for a relationship here - but you don't choose to listen to that. Nothing to do with a restaurant vs. a home - that is only a small part of it - if he invited you to take a walk in the park with him on a Sunday afternoon and then go for ice cream and he deigned to give you a few days advance notice with "i thought of something fun for us to do" - rather than inviting you to stop over at his house on your way home late at night - that would make a difference.

 

I do not mean to offend you - I am simply giving my opinion that in my opinion his behavior is disrespectful and you are choosing to tolerate it. I understand why you are choosing to tolerate it - great chemistry, fun conversations and you don't want to rock the boat by declining to see him last minute at his house. Those can be hard things to balance especially given the chemistry.

 

Yes, I do think it is a much better approach if you want a relationship with a man to let the man put in some effort to calling you and making plans for a date in advance. Even if to you that is a perfectionistic standard, surely you don't think this guy just falls a little short of that - sounds like for now he is out of the ballpark of any type of dating arrangement. I hope he steps up to the plate and that you choose to delayed gratification over the instant gratification of hanging out with him last minute so you can see what his intentions are towards you (meaning, if he changes his mind from what he said the other night). He just might if you stop running every time he calls. Last week you agreed with this but I can relate to how chemistry and attraction can cloud things a bit and result in the excuses and rationalizations you are making.

[everythingchanges456]

I agree in theory though in reality it's difficult to say no. If he continues not to ask me out, as I've said, then...I will have to walk away. However, he did not say he does not see the potential for a relationship here..had he said that...I would walk away.

 

I will keep updating on how it's going and be sure I am treated with respect and on terms I am comfortable with.

 

Hope you enjoy the holiday everyone!

[Batya33]

No one ever said it was easy - just depends on what is important to you and what your goals are. You were there, I was not but from what you typed it sounds like he is telling you even before he takes you out on a date that he is not looking for a relationship right now unless he really clicks with someone. I don't know of any (sane) man who would say that to a lady he saw any potential with - totally shooting himself in the foot to raise such red flags. That's why I wrote that it was respectful of him to tell you exactly where he stands. And where he stands is consistent with his behavior up to this point. Why not be a bit more "choosy" as he said he is and decline to go running when he calls? Sounds like that is what you are planning to do. Good for you!

 

Happy holiday to you too!

[ghost69]

i don't wait. maybe cause i'm more outgoing and confident. if i dig a girl, i call the next day. not wanting to seem too eager? pffft, i don't believe in that. i'd rather know sooner than later that i have a connection with someone. life is short guys. i don't play the X amount of days games. it has never bitten me badly either. also, usually if i just got a phone number i already have discussed who is calling when. so they already know it will probably be the next day if i told them that.

[everythingchanges456]

and that I believe is the way it should be....

thanks

[ghost69]

and that I believe is the way it should be....

thanks

 

oh, and you don't always have to leave it up to the guy.