What happens when he's perfect...but he can't be yours?

[lonelylight]

So...I guess I should start from the beginning. Several months ago, I met this man through a dating website. I found him to be wonderful--everything I had ever wanted. He was intelligent--we has so much in common and so much to talk about, I loved hearing his opinion on things. He had a stable, good job. He is an incredible artist--every time he shows me something new he has done, I'm blown away by it. He also has a great apartment and dresses well...And, on top of it all, he's simply gorgeous. And great in bed, too. Our sexual chemistry (at least on my end) is unparalleled. And he acted such a gentleman, holding doors open for me, paying for dinners, telling me how pretty I was, etc.

 

The problem being...he doesn't want to settle down with me. When we spend time together, it's great. It's magical, transcendant, even. But I know he's still using the dating site we met through, and I know he's signed up on a couple others as well. At first, I figured this was normal. But after some time, and he was still hitting the internet for dates, and I started to get a bit neurotic. I had developed an attachment to him, and he didn't seem to be in the same place. So I told him how much I cared for him and that I wanted to be exclusive. He responded by saying he appreciated me saying that, but that after a series of long-term relationships that failed, doesn't know if he's ready to get in another one, and don't know when he'll be ready to, if ever. He said he enjoyed me and "where we are at the moment."

 

I suggested we step things back a bit, and see each other on a more friendly level, as I told him I didn't want to continue to get more and more attached to him when he couldn't commit, but he said that he didn't know what the future held and if he could commit, just couldn't say yes or no at the moment. I believed him, and we resumed things where we left them.

 

The thing is...he's still going on the dating sites. I see less of him now than I did at the beginning. The problem is, every time I decide to pull away and not call him and let him go off and do his thing and live his life and see other people, he calls me up and wants to see me, and I just don't have the willpower to say no. I thought by telling him how deeply I felt about him that he would end things off if he didn't feel the same way, but it didn't work out that way... So now I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. Do I break up with him, when my heart secretly still wants to stay attached? Do I not call to get some space, but living with the uncertainty that he might call up and want to see me/sleep with me? I don't feel like I have the willpower to say no. He's so charming, so sweet, so good looking when we're together...seriously, beautiful dark hair, deep, expressive brown eyes and long lashes...tall...broad shoulders...beautiful, masculine hands...he's an amazing photographer...I know tons of girls would be interested in him. He's like a Grecian Adonis or something. Tall, dark, handsome. Charming.

 

He also tends to be neglectful, and ignore me until he wants to see me again. Planning things with him on my end is problematic, as he is busy due to many friends/his art...and, I'm guessing, other girls. I'm tired of longing for him, and tired of being alone on the weekends. And I'm tired of wondering where he is all the time. I no longer can get interested in other guys...he's the only one on my mind...

 

I know I could get over him and heal if I had some closure, but I don't feel like I can bring myself to do it. I feel like I need him to do it for me. It's beacuse I've never been with someone who I felt I connected to on ALL levels before. He keeps breaking my heart over and over again because he won't commit to just me, and yet he won't let me go either. And it makes me feel insecure...like, maybe if I were prettier and lost some pounds or younger (I'm 28 years old) or more upbeat that he'd be more willing to settle with me...

 

And at the same time, I wonder if anyone else will ever be able to measure up for me, even if things do end with him.

 

Help? Anyone been in this situation before?

 

--tired of spending my weekends alone in ny.

[Batya33]

Consider whether you would put him on such a pedestal if he did decide to commit to you. It's worth wondering whether you are with him out of fear of commitment too - this keeps the thrills, excitement, mystery going without you having to commit to a relationship which, when the mystique of the artist fades some, when sex loses a bit of its thrill, will you like the "comfortable stage?"

 

What I would do is make the decision that you have control over this situation. You are moving towards pleasure and away from pain. To you, the pleasure of being with him, no matter how hurt you feel that he won't commit to you, is worth the pain of that status. Perhaps it's because you haven't chosen for yourself a fun, fulfilling life that doesn't require a man to keep you entertained and busy?

 

Once you choose to accept responsibility for your choices (instead of seeing it as being the victim of your heart) then you can make a different choice since this arrangement isn't working for you. It has nothing to do with him - he's made his choice - he likes things just the way they are and he probably uses his "artist" mentality to justify not committing (which is ridiculous - I know and know of many committed people who are artists/very creative).

 

Often I find that when people meet through the internet and sleep together early on, at least one of the two keeps active on the internet. I also have seen relationships lead to marriage that started with sex on the first date but not when the people meet originally through the internet - not sure why just my experience (I too live in a major city and met about 100 men in person through the internet over a five year period - with mostly good experiences).

 

I was in a situation where the guy would not commit after two months of dating (we were not sleeping together - I wouldn't without exclusivity, which he understood) - he was occasionally logging on to the site but not seeing anyone else at that point. I told him that I would not wait forever, decided without telling him I would give it one more month, and at the end of one month I saw a side of him that was a dealbreaker. He also was distancing himself from me. I am very glad I walked away despite being really into him for the first two months.

 

Good luck.

[shikashika]

Well I definitely think everyone here has been in a situation of wanting someone who doesn't want us back... even if we think ( at the time) he or she is so perfect for us.

 

But... for a relationship for work, he has to want us... I'd say stop contacting him... it will just make it harder for you to say no.. It will be very difficult in the beginning.. but will come easier as time goes by... You want to find the same wonderful charming person... except someone who actually wants you!!

 

Its tough though... we've all been there!

[ElektraHere]

Why is it in one breath you say he is perfect and in the next breath you say he is neglectful and ignoring you? That is not a perfect match. You know when it is a perfect match when everything seems to just fall into place naturally. This guy is not wanting to settle down nor be in an exclusive relationship.

 

Have you ever thought that he may contact you only when other "dates" don't pan out? He is on other sites so he has to be dating and/or sleeping with others.

 

Why sell yourself short and waste your time and feelings on someone who is not willing to reciprocate?

[itsallgrand]

The thought of him in bed with another woman (or several) - would be enough to break the spell, to be honest.

 

And I admit, I allowed my ex to jerk me around some and I swallowed a lot of his crap.

However, once I found out he was with another....it repulsed me. Prince Charming is ugly as a bed hopper.

 

Mr. Perfect likes you as a toy, and you are allowing him to jerk you around.

So why is that? You do have control, and you are choosing it knowing exactly what will happen.

 

Why are you allowing yourself to disrespect your own heart? For excitement? Because of insecurities? Because of lust?

 

I don't judge you for this. I think you took a chance, and it didn't work out. You slept with him before any commitment was in place, and risked that he would care later enough to stop seeing others.

When he didn't do this, you had trouble backing down.

It could be because you see it as a challenge. A challenge to your own worth? Wanting to prove to him and bring him over to you.

It may be simply because you like having what you shouldn't be having. It's fun, and a bit dangerous (only to you lol).

 

Maybe you don't like being alone.

 

He sounds slick. A little too slick. Yuk. Just imagine how many women he has used the exact same spiel on....you know it's most likely true. One of those men who is just good with women. They exist. It's not necessarily the personal connection, just that the guy knows what he is doing and is good at it.

 

You can learn how to attract and seduce the good ones. This guy isn't it.

 

Anyways. Good luck no matter what you do. You are in control of your clitoris and what you do with it! teehee.

[lonelylight]

Thanks guys, those are all great points and give me something to think about.

 

I did ask him about the neglectful thing...he said that he does think about me, that he just gets busy and booked up from his photograhy and etc. and that's the way he ends up living his life. I don't know whether to believe it or see it as an excuse. There were signs of that very early on, but I was so attracted and impressed with his mind and his art that I decided to see him anyway...

 

I know I could be strong and not call him. And I've tried that tactic. Every time, though, I turn the cold shoulder and leave him be, he calls up and wants to see me. And while I can avoid him if he doesn't contact me, I haven't found the willpower to not answer the phone when he dials my number...thoughts? This has been going on for many months now. And I'm getting tired. I feel like I'm too old for this...maybe 10 years ago, you know? I thought talking about it and telling him my perspective would change things. But nooooo...

 

We talked and he said that even if we're not romantically linked, he wants to keep me as a friend, which was nice and made me happy. But I don't really know how to make that transition when it looks like I'd have to be the one to make it? I feel that unless I say something or take action or change our situation, he'll still try to sleep with me every time I see him. He's a gentleman and I've never felt pressured into sex. I know he would respect my wishes if I said no and wouldn't try anything. It's just, he looks at me with those eyes...he shows me his pretty pictures...lol.

 

I can do the alone thing. I'm in my late twenties now, and I've had serious relationships too, and I've taken my time to heal and realized I can manage by myself. But I want something meaningful. I don't need relationships, but I want a relationship. And it's hard...when he's so good looking, talented and put together...to turn off my feelings. I'm one of those overly romantic, affectionate types.

 

Maybe he is too slick...Haha! He certainly is good looking enough and talented enough...and clearly, intelligent enough to figure women out. Yikes. Ever gotten yourself in one of those situations where you're like, "Uh, what I'm I doing? How did I get in this mess?" I thought I was older and wiser and whatnot. Maybe I shouldn't have slept with him so early on. It's just...it had been awhile, you know, and I felt such an intense connection with him that I thought he felt too.

 

Haha...it's not the clitoris I'm worried about, it's my dang heart. Or maybe I'm confusing the two? lol. I can't tell anymore!!!

[ElektraHere]

I think that you may sticking it out just so he will change his mind. I hate to say it but it doesn't look like he is going to. Also you say when you don't contact him he contact you. Of course he does, he needs to keep the string still intact.

 

I say you are going to end up worse off then what you are right now.

 

Just my two cents.

[vinnee]

You need to set your standards now. It took me a long time to realize that you have to make people earn you and your regard for them. I do NOT mean monetarily.

I would make myself a promise to not sleep with him again. He is not ready to give you what you have told him you need at this point, but says he wants to remain friends only if that is what you feel you need. Try not taking his calls after 7pm. If he calls and asks to see you, tell him to meet you somewhere for coffee. Do not take him to your home or go to his. If he really cares for you, he will come to you and tell you he wants more. If he never does, then over time you can either stop dealing with him or start to think of him more as a friend over time.

Either way, the mindset he is in right now probably hinders him from seeing you as a chance he is about to lose. And you're not helping him realize this by being at his beck and call; you're only showing him more reasons to take his time sampling the buffet.

[HurleyBabe6917]

I'd keep looking on that dating site.

It's hard I know.

I'm still crazy for a a guy I haven't seen in 2 months.

You've got to do stuff to keep your mind off of him.

Good luck. =]

[itsallgrand]

A lot of us have gotten into situations where we think "what the hell?" Me included.

 

But once your heart is all involved, it's time to cut out and figure it out. You've got a good sense of humor, it's easy to like you already: You'll recoup from this Charmer with some good stories to boot.

 

Oy, this friends business. Fuggit about it! C'mon, us posting here are a good mix of ages. I'm the same age as you. We know that once you're body is geared up to someone, and you want a relationship with them, trying to be friends is essentially a con. Eh? That's for thinking about after you are on your way in a direction towards what you honestly want.

 

Basically, it comes down choosing between more quick thrills that hurt you, or going on the path of lasting happiness. Age old, age old. Do what feels good now, or do what feels good in the long run.

 

When he calls, you just tell him you are busy. That's all. Do it until he gives up. He will. When he realizes he isn't getting anything from you.

 

I've got stories about a charming artist, but not here.

[lonelylight]

"Basically, it comes down choosing between more quick thrills that hurt you, or going on the path of lasting happiness. Age old, age old. Do what feels good now, or do what feels good in the long run."

 

Why does that have to be true? It is, though. Another one of the ways life gets ya. Sigh...

 

And thank you for the compliment!!! I'm trying to joke about it a bit, and make light of the situation, but it does hurt a lot. And I feel like it is taking a lot out of me. I know there are better, more effective ways to spend my time than thinking about him...like, reading a new book, or seeing a play or something. But increasingly, I just keep mulling over this. And as I get older, it feels like flushing precious hours and minutes of my life down the toilet, to constantly preoccupy about a bad relationship. I ain't gettin' any younger...lol.

 

I'd really like to try the friend thing. I was prepared for our interactions to change when I told him how I felt about him. I thought there would be two outcomes: he commits or breaks things off. I didn't expect to still be kept in limbo. I know I could manage my feelings if he called it off...even if it meant I had to deal with the knowledge he was seeing other women. He's very talented and intelligent and fun to be around. He's worth keeping in one's life as a friend. I feel like I've learned a lot from him already, and I really really care about him. I'd hate to lose ALL of that... The problem is being kept in some kind of dysfunctional holding pattern. And I'm having trouble gathering the strength to be the one to break things off because I feel that intensity between us so deeply. But if he were the one to do it...I could deal. You don't think it's possible? I am friends with some exes...though I never felt the same incredible pull with them that I feel with this man, that's true. I'm a big girl, though, and I can handle disappointment and deal with it with grace. The problem is when NO decision is being made...the waiting...

 

I think maybe I should take your guys' advice, and shift our relationship into something more friendly, and if he comes back and wants more, than I'll know it's right...and if not, then I've gained a friend? It's just...oh, my heart hurts at thinking of having to be the one to do that. I've never ended a relationship before where I was still invested in the person romantically, but ended because it just hurt too dang much. Anybody dealt with that before? I know it may be harder in the beginning, but I think keeping people in your life that you care about is important. And I am tired of spending my Sat. nights alone, longing after someone...It's just hard...so hard...I'm rambling now, I'm sure. It's late.

 

I wonder if it sounds like I'm ignoring your guys' advice? I'm not...it's helping, really, to hear that people have dealt with this stuff before. I've felt very lonely and isolated by this whole turn of events in the past several months...It really helps to hear opinions and thoughts and that I'm not suffering in a vacuum and whatnot. It really does.

[Clabs]

Hey lonelylight

 

This guy may be a charmer but he is also a player, and he is playing you. He won't commit to you - he won't commit to anyone because he knows he is on to too much of a good thing here. He gets bored - or as Elektra put it - his other dates doesn't pan out, so he calls you up because he knows you will come running - and you do - and he knows he will get laid.

 

By continuing to go back each time, that sends a message to him that you accept his behaviour and his treatment of you. That allows him to disrespect you. He knows you are a romantic type and you have poured all your feelings out to him so he has all the info he needs to keep you there.

 

So what is the next best thing? You think he is worthy of your friendship? I think that even if you did try that tactic, I'd wager you wouldn't be very high up on the people he wants to see. You might be friends with other exes but I guess you are romantically over them. But you are not romantically over this one - you use this tactic as a way of remaining in his life in the hope of more.

 

Look honey - everything here is on his terms - eveything. He is also most likely sleeping with other people - he admits that he does not want to be exclusive with you and again - you accept this - more disrespect towards you. He has total control over you and your life. Have you thought about him sleeping with someone else? Are you using protection, because you certainly should be with his promiscuous behaviour.

 

I am not judging you either - you sound like a really super, loving and intelligent lady. But you aren't even selling yourself short, you are giving yourself for free! Take back some control in your life - don't sit about moping for the scraps he throws you.

 

He is such a smoothie and to be fair to him, he hasn't even been dishonest with you really - you have just allowed the situation to happen. It is a sad part of life that some people will use your romantic attitude and giving nature to their advantage.

 

In short - you deserve so much better than the treatment you are receiving here. Walk away from this and don't allow yourself to be abused any more because that is what he is doing - abusing your good nature and trust. Walk away with some dignity and pride intact.

 

I am so sorry that your heart is hurting - it is so sucky. But run away and don't look back. It won't be too long before you find someone who is worthy of your loving, giving nature - someone who adores and loves and above all, respects you.

 

Take care honey.

 

Mark

[TheRedQueen]

I loved hearing his opinion on things. He had a stable, good job. He is an incredible artist--every time he shows me something new he has done, I'm blown away by it. He also has a great apartment and dresses well...And, on top of it all, he's simply gorgeous. And great in bed, too. Our sexual chemistry (at least on my end) is unparalleled. And he acted such a gentleman, holding doors open for me, paying for dinners, telling me how pretty I was, etc.

 

The problem being...he doesn't want to settle down with me.

None of your statements above, describing this guy, or the nature of your relationship with him, work to validate your false belief that this guy is perfect, or more importantly, that this guy is even worthy of your pining and pursuit.

 

These attributes of his that you find so perfect, along with your and his sexual chemistry acting as the sole relationship glue, not to mention his relationship, or "lack of relationship" intentions, no offense, all seem shallow, shallow, shallow.

 

Shallow people are the furthest thing from being perfect, and shallow relationships are hardly relationships at all.

 

My advice to you?

Get over this guy.

[Batya33]

He's not too busy to have sex with you, right? Or other women. I don't buy the busy excuse especially not in this scenario. I only date super-busy men and when they are interested in dating you they are in touch enough so that you feel comfortable- that is, if they say they can only call once or twice a week for the next few weeks because they are overseas, they reliably call - if they say they are insanely busy the next few days they find the time to call and check in for a few minutes or at least send a thoughtful e-mail.

 

 

Before there were cell phones, e-mail, and even too many answering machines I still dated super busy guys and they found the time to keep in touch even if it meant telling my mother to tell me they called (I lived at home till I was 28).

 

You may be an overly romantic, affectionate type but it seems to me that affection is not being lavished on yourself because you're letting yourself settle for scraps here. As far as the intense connection - I can relate but of course you can't know if that intensity means that the other person wants to develop that connection by dating you exclusively or just connecting in bed every so often.

 

For that you need to get to know someone over time - at least a few months - and out of bed for the most part so that you don't get so emotionally attached to someone you don't know well. i realize that creative people often feel very intense emotional connections but that still doesn't have to involve commitment. Assuming someone you don't know well feels a certain way is a risky business.

 

You sound very insightful and self aware and aware of all the risks - so it boils down to the risk-benefit analysis, right?

 

I would not be friends with him unless you want to hear about all his other women. And if he is too busy to call you how will he have time to keep in touch with you as a friend?

[lonelylight]

Thank you everyone, thank you...such thoughtful, caring, insightful responses...

 

I really appreciate it, and it helps make me stronger...

 

This is the hardest "breakup" to deal with (I call it that, because while we're not in an exclusive relationship, I guess it is the end of something), simply because my hopes were so high for it...I really had such high hopes for this one...and I've never left someone before I still feel so strongly about...Sigh.

 

You all are wonderful. Thank you.

[Batya33]

Good luck lonelylight. Something that worked for was never to get my hopes up but stay cautiously optimistic. I ended up having some amazing dates with the mindset - I am having a great time whether or not there is another date. And, early on I would not let myself get "too" emotionally attached - for me that meant no sex until we knew each other a few months and were exclusive. I recognized that some women could have sex without getting attached but knew I could not be one of them (even though I never tried it).

 

I did get my hopes up in the past and - well, live and learn. Not at all saying to be cynical just recognizing that it takes time to see if the feet match the lips - if what he says matches what he does. Often the most well-meaning people when they are smitten are ready to call the caterers and buy a diamond. You have to see what happens when smittendom fades a bit and that takes time.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

he sounds like a very accomplished and efficient womanizer... which is the worst kind of person to fall in love with... he makes sure he keeps an active pool of women available to him (via websites etc.), and most likely picks women who are the romantic 'i'll wait around for the nanosecond you can see me...'

 

so you are worshipping the ground he walks on, and he meanwhile is busily ensuring he has a stable full of different women to worship him. he likes to be worshipped, and he likes having lots of women... that part is really clear...

 

really, it doesn't even sound like a friends with benefits situation, because he is not someone you can really rely on for anything other than sex and charm, and in limited doses when he's in the mood for it.

 

i would suggest you NOT try to stay friends with him, because you will be comparing other men to him (for the exciting parts you like about him), while at the same time not appreciating other men who may be much more decent guys with a future, who WILL be your true friend, not just some guy who floats in and out for sex when he feels like this.

 

this is not to put you down at all, he most likely does this to ALL the women in his life, relying on charm and sexual attraction to keep them waiting, while still giving them very little substance or a true relationship. he's got it great, while the women in his life get leftover crumbs.

 

i dated a guy like this where it went on WAY too long, simply because i kept assuming his character matched all the beautiful surface things i was attracted to. but in the end he admitted to me that i should not count on him for anything, because he had a short attention span, got bored, wanted to do exactly what he wanted when he wanted, and didn't want to be accountable to anybody. he acknowledged that he was just incredibly selfish, and keeping multiple women on a string was what he did, to prevent boredom, and (this is the important part), he did this specifically to NOT give any one woman too much time because he didn't want to be in a committed relationship. he just had enough charm to pick up a new woman, whenever, wherever, and he did! His life was a revolving door of women, and he liked it that way. this lifestyle met his sexual and companionship needs, and demanded very little of him in return.

 

i even tried to 'negotiate' something with him that allowed me to be in his life with more regularity but still gave him the freedom and time he said he had to have because he was 'busy', but his response was 'even if i lived accross the street from you, and we agreed to get together 3 times a week, if i didn't feel like it that week, i wouldn't get together with you, and then you'd be mad at me...'

 

so it was VERY clear that he intended to do only what he felt like, and also that he recognized that this behavior made women mad, but he didn't care, and had no intention of committing to anyone. he knew if he kept a bunch of women on a string, and didn't see any of them too much, then he had a better chance that they wouldn't expect too much from him either. he could do what he wanted and avoid having to be connected or responsible to a person other than himself.

 

He had turned 'incognito' into a fine art, such that no woman was ever really sure what he was doing or whom he was with, usually using 'being busy' and work as the excuse. but really, he just didn't want anyone keeping tabs on him to recognize how bad a womanizer he really was, or they'd all dump him.

 

so i think this guy is really telling you the same thing, that he can take or leave ANY woman he wants, and that he isn't interested in really even being good friends, because that makes demands on him he is not interested in fulfilling. there really are such guys out there, with an excess of charm and good looks, and not the best character. they are using what they've got to get what they want, and don't waste a whole lot of time thinking about the feelings of the women they are involved with. so he is telling you the truth about himself, so listen, and move on. you can find both a better friend AND a better lover, if you recognize that this falls in the category of 'too good to be true..' yes, he's good in bed, handsome, charming, but he is NOT true to you, and never will be....

[lonelylight]

Wow...thank you, thank you...

 

I guess yeah, he's a player. Sigh...

 

But I get the feeling he's not irredeemable. I suppose I was tricked, because I know for certain he has done long-term, committed relationships in the past (and even met his most serious exgirlfriend. She's GORGEOUS...and I know he was smitten with her...sigh...she looks like Victoria Beckham...). Maybe that has made him less willing to invest himself now, after dating such desirable women. It makes me feel insecure to be honest. I'm very pretty, but I'm no supermodel, either...

 

And I know he's friends with exes that he still sees...so it's not like I'd be chucked to the curb if I said no to the sex. And I wonder if I'd compare other men to him regardless of whether he was in my life or not.

 

Maybe I just need a break, some time to heal, and then we can be friends? I know I can't fool myself into thinking I'd see him all the time, but recently a lot of friends of mine have moved away from the city/married up/moved on with life, and I've been feeling xtra lonely, so I'm hesitant to break connections with interesting people when I do find them...

[Clabs]

Hey lonelylight

 

Hang on - you say his ex is gorgeous and then you say that she looks like Victoria Bekham? She either is gorgeous or she isn't! Plenty of girls like you are very pretty - in fact, I see girls that are much prettier in normal life than many of the super-models.

 

How do you know he is not having sex with his exe's too? Maybe that is why he is still friends with them?

 

Being lonely is no excuse for hanging around this guy - you would just be dragging things out and secretly hoping he would come to his senses and commit to you - do you think there is truth in that statement? Whilst all this is going on, you are slowly and surely eroding your self esteem.

 

We just don't want you to waste life on something that 99.9999999% will never come good.

 

Take care honey.

 

Mark

[ElektraHere]

AHA!! You said the key word. You have been extra lonely.

 

This is why my dear he seems like the "perfect" catch. You are lonely and this guy is giving you bits of attention. However, the attention that he gives you comes at a price. The price of your self dignity and respect. If he has been capable of long-term relationships in the past that really is a moot point. Reason being is that he does NOT want one with you.

 

I think if you removed yourself from this situation, and got some distance, you would have a greater perspective on things.

 

Out of curiosity how long have you known and/or dated him?

[lonelylight]

I think I will try and get some distance and see if it can help my perspective at all. This almost feels like an addiction...like I should go to Manaholics anonymous or something...lol.

 

I don't think he's bangin' the exes, or at least not the one I met, as she is very happily engaged with a big rock on her finger (though no wedding immediately in sight).

 

I've known him for about six months. We met roughly at the beginning of the year, in mid-January. So at first, I thought the continuing to date thing to be normal, as, you know, you don't really know somebody's true colors and whether they're going to turn out to be crazy or not until after you've known them a few months. And well...he hasn't turned out to be crazy...just...a commitmentphobe? And for the first few months, I went out on dates too with other guys I met through the site, for those same reasons. Problem being, that now, after allowing that to happen for ~6 months...I've gotten attached and am finding it nigh impossible to date other men, good men, as my heart is elsewhere...

 

I just seemed to connect with him on so many levels...intellectually...artistically...sexually...all except the one: a serious, binding empathetic relationship level. Hence, my inability to tear myself away...I've dated men in the past who I cared about a lot and who cared about me, but we didn't hook up on all those facets. I was perhaps, impressed by their mind and ability, but the sex wasn't great or I wasn't as attracted to him as I wished I would be, but I stuck it out anyway because of our friendship/intellectual connection. Finding someone where I seemed to have matched up with him on ALL levels was a real hook for me. I don't know how to get over it, to be honest. I'm worried that even if I kick him to the curb and say "see ya" to him forever and never see him again, that I'll regret it, that I'll still constantly think about it...

 

Again, hopefully the distance/perspective would help? I hope my feelings and judgment about it could honestly change. We've just had so many magical evenings together. I've cried about losing that. Sigh...

 

Thank you all for listening to my emotional oozings...

[Clabs]

No worries, lonelylight. It helps so much to get all this stuff out - lay it all on the table, so to speak.

 

This place is wonderful for advice and to vent.

 

Elektra is right - distance allows for some clarity and perspective. We see it so clearly because we are not emotionally attached. Sometimes you are so hooked up in it all that you don't see it even if someone rubs your nose in the reality of it all. And another reason you don't see it is because you don't want to see it - you don't want to give it up.

 

Give it some space and see how you feel in a few weeks. Come on here to vent.

 

Take it easy.

 

Mark

[JadedStar]

Why is it in one breath you say he is perfect and in the next breath you say he is neglectful and ignoring you? That is not a perfect match. You know when it is a perfect match when everything seems to just fall into place naturally. This guy is not wanting to settle down nor be in an exclusive relationship.

 

Have you ever thought that he may contact you only when other "dates" don't pan out? He is on other sites so he has to be dating and/or sleeping with others.

 

Why sell yourself short and waste your time and feelings on someone who is not willing to reciprocate?

 

I agree. The post is contradictory. If he is neglectful until he feels otherwise that isn't very perfect.

 

I agree you are selling yourself short staying. He just isn't into you. It happens. Like someone said happens to us all at some point. It's best to just walk away completely. I wouldn't stay friends....that would be a gain to him but hurtful for you to see him and want him and not have a relationship.

[lonelylight]

If he is neglectful until he feels otherwise that isn't very perfect.

 

THat is very true...sigh...

 

He just isn't into you. It happens.

 

Is that an oversimplification though? Do people who aren't that into say to you that they really like you and are into you and like what you have? And when you decide this is hurting you, so you ignore them for awhile, do they end up coming back and contacting YOU? Or does it just depend on the person? Maybe I'm just confused--all the men I've dated in the past were very straightforward with me about the nature of our relationship. We were either together, or we weren't. And in one case, things got very complex like this, and I told him how I felt and that it was hurting me; he confessed that he didn't feel the same way and ended things off. So maybe this is just a complex situation? I can't tell if this is just complicated and I should be understanding, or if I am just being used. I just have a hard time believing he'd not be interested in me at all because it just doesn't seem to me that a man THAT attractive, talented and desirable would NEED to keep me around--I'm just one woman, and as mentioned, pretty, but certainly no Claudia Schiffer--if he wasn't that interested. He can have a bevy of women...what's the matter with losing one here or there if you know you're making her sad and unhappy and she wants more?

[ElektraHere]

Not a complex situation and yes "he's just not that into you" is that simplistic. Because if he wanted to be with you he would. You say that other men you have dated in the past were either black or white in their thinking. This guy is all gray area, mostly he is all smoke and mirrors but smoke is gray. LOL

 

If he can have a bevy of women....let him! Do you really want to be part of the bevy or would you rather be with someone who makes you their one and only? That is what you need to ask yourself.