cant go anywhere else on this one..

[redsuede]

I am so confused. I dont know quite how to handle things on my new situation. I have met someone new, and dating for about 4 or 5 months. Things have been very awesome.. She says the right words, emotionally there, sex is great.. Last week she calls me and tells me she is still in love with her ex. She said she DOES NOT want to be and that there is no worry about her going back to her ex. She said she didnt realize that she was still in love with her ex, but she wanted to tell me because she wanted us to have a relationship built on honesty. I do think that it took incredible strength to tell me that, and I appreciate the honesty, but my SOUL HURTS. I cant stop thinking.. when we were intimate, who were you thinking about.. stuff like that. I have told her at first that ITS OK that we will work through things, but then I guess it just didnt settle well inside of me, and I couldnt talk to her the same. I tried breaking things off telling her that she needs time to get over her ex, and it is good because I need time for us to re-establish what we really are. I told her that I dont want to be with anyone occupying a heart with someone else, although in the future I really truly would want us to move forward. I thought we were broke up.. I thought I made it as clear as I can without being a jerk, because I dont want to be a jerk about it. She was trying to be honest. Last night I was talking to her. I told her that I was still there as a friend. She was dumbfounded. She was like "WHAT? What are you trying to say? She said that she loves me and wants to move forward with me.. and that she still considers us together." Im dealing with a broken heart myself.. and I know that I do want us to move forward WHEN she is over her ex. This is a rebound relationship for sure for us both, however, I want to handle this right to give it a chance to survive. I dont want to lose my self respect in this, and just as important, I dont want her to lose respect for me in this..

 

ANY ADVICE how I should handle this .. I would deeply appreciate.

[darkpumpkin]

Rebound is a tricky thing. The fact that you are both very honest with each other is GREAT!!! it lays the foundation for something that would be very strong and wonderful. But you have to get there first. She needs to heal, even if she knows she wants to continue with you, you are correct to state you don't want someones heart that is not all there. Tell her that this is the best for you both. Give it a month or two, be friends. She is panicking over this and just wait until she calms down. If it was there for her too she will see the rightness in what you are saying.

[Hope75]

I think you are correct to back off and let her process her feelings for her ex before you try to have a relationship with her. She cannot devote herself to you if she is in love with her ex, no matter how much she wants to.

 

It sounds as though she is panicking because as long as she is with you, it's easier to dismiss though feelings for her ex. But until she faces them, accepts them, and works through them, she isn't ready for a healthy relationship with someone else.

 

And as you said, it is unfair to you to expect you to give your whole heart to someone who is in love with someone else when she cannot honestly give that back to you now.

[redsuede]

Thank you Darkpumpkin.. I appreciate your words. Has anyone ever had to go through this? The dreaded.. Im still in love with my ex talk? Has anyone ever cared enough about the person and wanted to make sure it was done right so one day it can survive? Although I do think Darkpumpkin is right..

[redsuede]

Thanks Hope.. You have a good point.. One I hadnt thought of.. about dismissing feelings of the ex... You are probably right on..

[darkpumpkin]

I actually have. I was with someone about 2 months after I broke-up with an ex. I knew I wanted to try something with him (he broke with his ex a month earlier) but I told him I was still in love with my ex. He convinced me that I should still give him a chance. The next week he then told me he was in still in love with his ex, I convinced him that we should still give it a chance. All over panicking of finding someone and holding on to them. Let's just say we don't speak anymore and it lasted a month due to both of us not being in the right place. Years later I look back and shake my head. We could have had something reallly nice if we both backed off and dealt with our feelings.

[Clabs]

Hey redsuede

 

Man - what a sucky situation to find yourself in, but well done you to identify this rebound. If you are to move on properly and give this relationship a chance in the future, you are doing exactly the right thing - as hard as it may be.

 

I feel so sorry for her because she has been totally truthful with you and probably thought that her total candour was the best policy and she is likely very frightened and hurt right now. But she does need to process her feelings for her ex alone. That is why rebound relationships fail - because the new relationship masks any lingering feelings from the last relationship.

 

I do think that you could have the basis for a very strong relationship in the future - you just have to tread with care and give it some time.

 

I really feel for you fella - and I really do hope this works out for the best for you.

 

Take care of yourself.

 

Mark

[Batya33]

It doesn't sound like she said this to be "honest" - she said this so she could continue to have the benefits of dating you but have an easy out if you wanted to get more serious as in "I told you I still had feelings for my ex so I can't be committed to you." If she truly just wanted to be honest she would have told you and then given you space to decide how you wanted to proceed without pressuring you to stay involved.

[redsuede]

really? Are you sure? I DO NOT want to be a fool and risk my heart when it comes to this kind of situation..

 

That sucks. sucks.. sucks. I truly thought she was trying to be honest... and didnt want to lose what we had already started.

[darkpumpkin]

It doesn't sound like she said this to be "honest" - she said this so she could continue to have the benefits of dating you but have an easy out if you wanted to get more serious as in "I told you I still had feelings for my ex so I can't be committed to you." If she truly just wanted to be honest she would have told you and then given you space to decide how you wanted to proceed without pressuring you to stay involved.

 

Right now Batya33 is completely correct from the situation I experianced. The other guy was a great one, we really connected. But I did tell him I was in love with my ex so that if anything happened it would not be such a blow to him and I could come back to the other guy if nothing did happen.

[Batya33]

really? Are you sure? I DO NOT want to be a fool and risk my heart when it comes to this kind of situation..

 

That sucks. sucks.. sucks. I truly thought she was trying to be honest... and didnt want to lose what we had already started.

 

I am always a bit wary of people who claim to be "just being honest" but then are unwilling to accept the obvious repercussions.

[Clabs]

Hey redsuede

 

Batya may well be correct and I think it is a valid point to see things from both sides, so to speak - to have your eyes wide open.

 

The fact is that none of us know for sure except her. Whether she is being honest or dishonest, you have done the right thing and have stepped back from the relationship. As far as I see it, this way, you have nothing to lose whatever the outcome.

 

Mark

[redsuede]

Im used to dealing with someone who didnt look at how I felt.. Now I am dealing with just the opposite.. She cares a lot how I feel.. This sucks

[Batya33]

Im used to dealing with someone who didnt look at how I felt.. Now I am dealing with just the opposite.. She cares a lot how I feel.. This sucks

 

I think she is being honest but not because of your best interests and not because she cares how you feel (in any altruistic sense). Mostly, I think she cares about full disclosure so she can continue the benefits of the relationship with you. I realize that's a cynical view but I thought that the other views required a bit of balance.

[browneyedgirl36]

You've gotten some good advice here, redsuede.

 

As someone who is in this situation right now, I can say that Batya33's analysis of the situation is spot on. Certainly, your girlfriend may have disclosed her love for her ex because she cares about your feelings -- I'm sure that part of her does; however, it seems as if she is telling you, in a sort of roundabout way, that she doesn't know if things will work out with you so that if things don't work out, and you are devastated, she can say "Well, xxxxx, you KNEW I was still in love with my ex. I told you that a long time ago, and you proceeded with this relationship anyway."

 

I am currently in a similar situation, except that I am no longer in a "relationship" with this person. We stopped seeing each other earlier this year because he said he had "issues" that were preventing him from getting involved with anyone at that point. I accepted it, and started moving on. Fast forward to a couple of months ago, when he begins contacting me frequently, wanting to spend time with me, etc. Naturally, I thought he was past his "issues" and wanted to be with me again. Well, after several wonderful times spent together recently, he went into a funk and admitted that he is STILL emotionally invested his ex-girlfriend; he hasn't been with her in a long time, and from what I gather she no longer has any interest in being with him, but he can't get over it. He told me that he thought he was over her, or at least getting over her, but that he isn't, and that being with me stirred up all of these things that he thought were resolved but were just "hidden." I haven't confronted him yet about WHY he has been coming on so strong to me and spending so much time with me if he's still not over her, but I suspect that when I do, he'll use the "but I TOLD you I had issues that I wasn't over yet; you KNEW that" as a means of not taking any responsibility for his actions.

 

This may sound cynical, but...I think that often, in relationships (particularly when relationships end), people say/do things NOT out of caring for the other person's feelings, but because they want to avoid blame and and preserve their image as "the good guy/gal."

 

Anyway, Redsuede, you need to ask yourself if you want to continue to invest emotions in someone who is emotionally invested in someone else. From her reaction to your comment about being "friends," it seems as if she wants to keep you in her life, possibly as a "back-up" or as a bandage for her emotional wounds. This is no reflection on you, of course, so don't take it personally. She shouldn't have gotten involved with you if her feelings for someone else were so intense.

 

Keep us posted...and hang in there.

[Hope75]

I guess more than anything I'm curious how she expects you to continue on as though nothing has happened when after 5 months together she admits to still being in love with her ex.

 

Did you ask her how she might handle that news from someone she had strong feelings for?

 

Would she think it fair to herself to stay with them when they loved someone else?