Your Feedback Would Be Appreciated

[CrapAtNC]

OK. I'll try and keep this brief.

 

I'm 39. She's 31 and Asian. We are very well suited, and clearly very fond of each other. I think she is the one for me, except for her moody behaviour. She is very shy and has a problem communicating well with people, especially me.

 

She dumped me several months ago but wanted to stay friends 'and build a new relationship from there'. She quickly went into a rebound relationship that has since ended. We stayed in contact the whole time, but if I began showing signs of moving on, she would make a move to keep me around. She still does. For a while, I made it clear that I wanted us to get back together. She wasn't hostile to the idea, but kept saying no when pressured. We had sex or were very intimate several times, including during the 'rebound period'.

 

I decided to go NC, but I'm not very good at not responding.

 

I went away on a two-week holiday to Thailand. She called me crying a couple of days before I left begging to talk. I asked what about, and she said 'Nothing'. Then she said she just needed someone to talk to. I pointed out that it wasn't my job any more. She put the phone down. We talked some more a little later. She says she has problems. I love the girl, so I pay a surprise visit the night before I leave. She doesn't say much, but it's clear she is very down. She makes it clear she knows she has communication problems and has been 'a biatch'. I give her a reassuring pep talk, and she rewards me with the best hug ever as I leave.

 

She looks after my cat while I'm away. She calls me in day 2 of my holiday to tell me the cat is hiding in her one-room apartment, but spends an hour talking about how unhappy she is, and how she thinks I will have sex with lots of Thai girls. I get a similar lengthy international call the next night, and text messages every day about the missing cat.

 

Sunday she tells me she found where the cat escaped - she is now outside in a strange, busy environment. My cat is very special to me, and my money is running short, so I go back five days early to look for my cat. Because I have to search in the early hours and her place is far from mine, she lets me stay at her place - a nice gesture on her part. For the next four nights, she is mostly pleasant, showing me her entire photo album collection, and even letting me sleep in while she goes to work (I usually get thrown out). But still the mood swings rear their ugly head, and she refuses to respond to simple questions or she says mean things because she is 'tired and stressed'. She has also gone back to sleeping wrapped up in her ex-boyfriend's sweater (they broke up three years ago and she says it's just for 'comfort').

 

So, tonight, I tell her straight that she's been wonderful and kind recently, but I do not need to accept her rudeness any more (it's been the main problem throughout our relationship). She says she is angry that I kissed her on the cheek one night when I thought she was sleeping (we were in the same bed, and it was fine to give her a massage or affectionately stroke her tummy or bum or legs!). But she soon apologizes for being rude and for making me feel bad - another fairly rare event. I tell her I care about her, but that for both our sakes I will not accept any more rude actions, such as ignoring me or saying bad things, and that she we'll speak again when she has learned to be more considerate. We kiss! I leave.

 

My friend thinks she was perhaps upset that I didn't make a move on her. I think that there's no point getting back together until we are BOTH in a stronger, more real state of mind.

 

So, I'm considering now going 100% NC - that is, not even respond to her calls or messages. Would you say this is the right move at this time, or is there hope for a reconciliation in the nearer future? Would it be cruel or kind to her to go NC at this time? What if she's calling because the cat has returned?! I love this woman and want her to be happy, which she clearly is not right now. I want me to be happy too.

 

So, there it is. I would greatly appreciate your feedback! Thank you.

 

Also, if you have any advice about my beloved, missing cat ... :sad:

[Aldo25]

Go NC, move on from this girl. You don't need the drama that she's bringing, believe me my ex had similar drama that you'll feel a lot better just by leaving all that in the past.

[DN]

I agree - this girl is too problematic as she is right now. But I would give her one chance - say to her that you want to have a proper relationship with her and if she is ready to talk about how to do that you are prepared to try once more. But if she is not you are moving on and will no longer see her - even as a friend.

 

Have you posted pics of the cat around - made up flyers and delivered them door to door?

[agent1607307371]

Honestly, go right to NC. I think you want her to be the one, rather than her being the one.

She sounds like she enjoys having you on a string to jerk around when she wants to.

 

 

As for your cat, check any animal rescue places and stick up some posters.

I have to admit though, the missing cat thing makes me go "hummmm". It's not sitting particularly kosher with me.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

ok, nut basket alert!! are you sure she didn't lose your cat on purpose to get you to come back from Thailand? and she's sleeping wrapped up on her ex's sweater?? there is something really really strange about this girl.

 

i'm very sorry about the cat... you might want to tell her that you'll stop by if she finds your cat... then only agree to meet her if she does.

 

and look at animal shelters etc. it is always possible she threw your cat out in a fit of pique if she was mad at you and the nut bucket she appears to be.

[CrapAtNC]

OK. Three responses with the same message, so I have to sit up and take note. She really doesn't know how to behave in a relationship, including those with friends, family, and co-workers. I wouldn't label her so badly, but she really does have a problem. I feel sorry for her. But I also feel sorry for me; I can do better than this.

 

Someone mentioned in another thread about how foolish it is to look at the potential in a relationship when we should instead be looking at the reality of it. I have to agree.

 

I really like this woman. She's not evil. She's just a scared and hurt little girl inside who is scared of being hurt some more. I find it hard to dump her because of that, but I do think that NC really is the way to go. I have mended myself already, though I could do with some more time for me, for sure, but this time I'm doing it for her as well.

 

She needs time alone now to think her behaviour through. She needs help, and she knows it, and she also knows I will no longer accept or support any more destructiveness from her - for both our sakes. I should have done this a long time ago. By always being there for her and being willing to take her crap I have unwittingly encouraged it. I have to take some of the responsibilty here.

 

So, NC starts today, and I think I can make a good go of it now because it's going to be extremely beneficial to both of us, and because I just don't want to waste energy on this any more.

 

I also had concerns about the disappearance of the cat, but I do know this girl and my cat well. The ex is a complete animal lover, and would not do anything to harm my cat, and my cat is a very adept escape artist. I do, however, feel that my ex was happy to use the escape as an excuse to contact me and perhaps get me to break my much needed holiday to come back home.

 

I hate these things. I hate having to turn my back on someone I truly love and want to help, but I guess this is the only way I can help now.

 

Thanks for the feedback, guys. I'm putting flyers and posters up everywhere for the cat, and will check the local shelter this afternoon. She's a smart cat. She finds me often when I'm near our home. I'm hoping she'll find me again.