Best Friend is a chronic cheater.

[Bella_Strega]

I'm really not sure what to do, or if I should do anything at all here. My best friend has never been able to be faithful. Ever. As we've grown older she's getting into increasingly serious relationships and then cheats. Her last bf lived with her for almost 5 years and she cheated on him CONSTANTLY. He never really found out, per se, but he had his suspicions and when they were in the process of ending it, things started to get physical.

 

Now she is with a police officer...he's a very large man. They've been together almost a year. She sold her house and bought one with him a few months ago. She was doing so good. This was the first relationship she's been in where she wasn't cheating. I was so proud of her. They've had problems, don't get me wrong, but she remained faithful.

 

Until the other night. She called me drunk at 11 at night to tell me she had just had sex with an ex. There goes her record.

 

My problem is I am worried. I like her boyfriend and feel bad that he is being deceived this way, but I am also afraid for her safety if he finds out. I don't know how he would take it. She was originally saying she was going to tell him the truth and break it off, now she's decided she's "allowed one". I don't see her ex leaving her alone either, especially since he doesn't know about her boyfriend.

 

I also worry about how her actions reflect on me to my fiancee. I am loyal to a fault and do NOT condone my friend's behavior, but she's been like a sister to me since we were little. My fiancee is disgusted, especially since he and her boyfriend have become friends over the last year.

 

Should I just sit on this and do nothing, or should I try to talk to her? If I try to talk to her, how can I do it without making her feel attacked or judged?

[Beec]

I think you can make her feel a little judged, but I think the bigger things she needs to figure out are: 1. does she have any idea what happens when he finds out; 2. is she willing to risk hurting him and end thigns in that way.

 

Some people cannot be helped.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

Hmmmm, that is a tough one. I ran into this issue with a very good friend of mine (known her 8 years) and her husband. She had an emotional affair with her husband's friend. I told my boyfriend about it and he wants nothing to do with her because he (my boyfriend) was cheated on and he ended his marriage due to her (his ex wife) infidelity. However, my friend only did it once, was extremely remorseful and her and her husband have been able to get past it. However, my boyfriend has a bad taste in his mouth about her.

 

Anyhow, to me, a serial cheater has issues and it is truly a reflection on a person's character overall, IMO. It is dangerous, hurtful, cowardly, cruel, you get the picture. Seriously, try be honest here, what about her is so friendship-worthy? How do you know if she has been honest with you? If she has this constant propensity to deceive her romantic partners, I am assuming she is not remorseful, how are to know she has not deceived you or anyone else?

 

I am not sure if I can associate with a serial cheater, it would really make me doubt her loyalty towards me and the friendship and what she says to me at face value.

[justdoyou]

As far as your friend, the only thing you can do is express all you've said above with her. Don't worry so much about how you'll make her feel - you can't make her feel anything. She's a grown up, let her find her own way.

 

Perhaps some boundaries need to be put in place - remove yourself from the drama. Agree to not discuss her indiscretions/boyfriend issues in the future. This indirectly involves you in her stuff.

 

You are engaged - which means you are about to embark on a lifelong partnership that will be stronger and more important than your tie to your bestfriend. He'll be the one who continually puts your best interests first and will do all he can to support a pleasant and satisfying life for your family... right? It's time to prioritize your interests based on what you want for your future.

 

It sounds like you've outgrown your friendship, consequently the dynamic may need to change.

 

Let your financee know all you've said above, as well as your plan... Will you continue to be involved in your friend's carelessness or will you distance yourself from it?

 

Put your best interests first.

[beauty21]

Don't say anything. I find that when we talk try to talk to other's and give our opinions it only makes them want to do it more and more. Let her be. She will grow out of this phase that she is going thru soon enough. She is like a sister to you, I understand that and it's kinda hard to sit back and just relax and let them do their thang, but face it, what else can you do? You saying something to her will not change anything that she does, so just let her be.

[Bella_Strega]

I think you can make her feel a little judged, but I think the bigger things she needs to figure out are: 1. does she have any idea what happens when he finds out; 2. is she willing to risk hurting him and end thigns in that way.

 

Some people cannot be helped.

 

You bring up great points. Originally (when she was drunk and it had just happened) she said she was going to tell him and break it off, that she felt it happened because the she was "done". (Not the most mature way to end a relationship, obviously).

 

As for 2...I don't know that she honestly cares so much how he feels. I think she has lost respect for him during the course of this relationship (I guess that is kind of obvious based on her behavior.

 

I think one reason she stays is that she is in law school and he is paying a large chunk of the bills so she doesn't have to work. Which is extremely generous of him, and also makes what she is doing even more screwed up.

[Bella_Strega]

kellbell - I know what you mean. I do doubt her at times. She pursued more than a couple of love interests of mine when we were teens. She hurt me over the years, but we've always made it through and things haven't been screwed up like that in a very long time between her and I. I don't know that she ever really did anything to make up for it, those things just kind of passed.

 

I think a lot of her problems come from growing up with a bipolar, alcoholic father who committed suicide with her and her younger sisters in the house when we were 13. I was there for her then and she was there for me during a 3 year abusive relationship. She went to all of my court dates and such when I left him and continued to be stalked. I guess where I am going with this is that we've been through a lot together and helped each other with some serious issues and I do trust her now as far as I am concerned.

 

I just really worry about what she is doing to this man and what she is doing to herself as well. I don't want to push her away. She's always been a big part of my life. We can tell each other anything and we're always there for each other.

[Bella_Strega]

"As far as your friend, the only thing you can do is express all you've said above with her. Don't worry so much about how you'll make her feel - you can't make her feel anything. She's a grown up, let her find her own way."

 

Good point. But is it worth it to risk making her upset with me? Or should I let her make her own mistakes and just be here for her?

 

"Perhaps some boundaries need to be put in place - remove yourself from the drama. Agree to not discuss her indiscretions/boyfriend issues in the future. This indirectly involves you in her stuff."

 

This is hard for me because we talk about EVERYTHING. I feel that if we put boundaries about what we can and cannot talk about, it could make things weird.

 

"You are engaged - which means you are about to embark on a lifelong partnership that will be stronger and more important than your tie to your bestfriend. He'll be the one who continually puts your best interests first and will do all he can to support a pleasant and satisfying life for your family... right? It's time to prioritize your interests based on what you want for your future."

You are very right here. My fiancee is my number one priority. I do not want him to dislike her or vice versa since she is like family. Her actions, however, make that difficult. Which, I guess I need to accept is her problem and it's not my responsibility to make sure they like each other.

 

"Let your financee know all you've said above, as well as your plan... Will you continue to be involved in your friend's carelessness or will you distance yourself from it?"

 

 

This is tough. I have talked with him about it. That's how he knows she cheated. I told him how disappointed I am in her and he knows I am struggling with how to deal with this. As far as distancing myself from her...it's tough. We've always been a big part of each other's lives. I love her no matter what she does, I just don't approve of it and I feel like she should be dealing with this situation and she's not.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

I would really limit the time you spend with her. I have a friend whom I have been close with for 12 years. However, we just do not see eye to eye on many things. She HAS hurt me in the past, many times. She is also extremely opinionated and somewhat judgmental. However, she has been there for me, is a great wife to her husband, is a nurse. I mean her heart is in the right place but I can only take her in small doses.

 

Perhaps you can do that for you friend. Limit your time with her and perhaps ask her not to delve into her indescretions with you anymore. Because if you know about them, you are involved in some way or another.

[Bella_Strega]

Beauty - this is kind of how I feel...that me talking to her might only hurt my relationship with her and may not help her in any way.

 

I do feel like she has problems that she needs to deal with and that her behavior is unhealthy. I'm sure she could say the same thing about me in other aspects of my life.

 

I'm struggling between loving her unconditionally and feeling like she needs help or maybe a wake up call.

 

This is a tough situation.

[Bella_Strega]

Hey there,

 

I would really limit the time you spend with her. I have a friend whom I have been close with for 12 years. However, we just do not see eye to eye on many things. She HAS hurt me in the past, many times. She is also extremely opinionated and somewhat judgmental. However, she has been there for me, is a great wife to her husband, is a nurse. I mean her heart is in the right place but I can only take her in small doses.

 

Perhaps you can do that for you friend. Limit your time with her and perhaps ask her not to delve into her indescretions with you anymore. Because if you know about them, you are involved in some way or another.

 

You are right. I keep thinking about that too - if he finds out that I knew and didn't tell him he would be upset with me. If I were in his shoes, I would too. Maybe I can just politely ask her not to tell me if she starts to talk about it again.

[TheFoglifter]

Its my opinion that you have probably already said all you can say on the subject. I'm sure you've voiced your opinions in the past. Your friend seems very arbitrary, and she plays by her rules as she sees them at that point in time. I'm sure she didn't "intend" to cheat this time (didn't she use the classic "it just happened") line?

 

She is only going to change her behavior when her behavior causes more trouble than joy. She double-crossed a huge cop... not good. She may find her car clamped, or her personal details stolen, or maybe she'll just get beaten to a pulp.

 

Eventually, people who misbehave tend to cross someone that won't tolerate it. Read this article: link removed I know someone who knew the victim. Apparently the victim used her looks to get her way, and wasn't used to being told "no". I'm not condoning what happened, but there are parallels between her and your friend.

[Bella_Strega]

I think you may be right.

 

Actually, she didn't really offer any explanation. It was just "hey, this happened - whoops".

 

I really do worry about her safety. This guy is very suspicious and jealous by nature. That article is crazy. There was a woman in my area who was set on fire by her SO a year or two ago. Shame. I do worry that one day my friend will cross the wrong person and they will lose it and really hurt her. I've warned her before.

 

Ahhhh...yeah, I think at this point my best bet is to just not say a whole lot, other than to ask her to spare me the details so I am not an accomplice.