Once a cheater, always a cheater?

[LubBec]

It has been almost 3 months since I found out about my husband's affair. When I found out, the affair had been over for 3 months. It lasted 18 months. He says he doesn't have, nor ever had any feelings for her. He says they were "friends with benefits". As far as I know (and he says) this is the only affair he has ever had. We have been married 23 years. There have been problems in our relationship for the past 8 years. The affair, however, came as a complete shock.

 

He says I am the only woman he loves and that he has never fallen out of love with me. Surprisingly, he says that most of the "conversations" he had with the OW were about me and our marriage. He says they used each other for a shoulder to cry on about both of their troubled marriages. He says that he cried to her many times because he felt like I was so distant and cold towards him. I admit that I haven't been the easiest or warmest person to live with. I have been working on being more warm, affectionate and understanding towards him over the past 7 or 8 months.

 

My question is: What are the chances that a person who has been unfaithful can be faithful again? I read so many posts that talk about being deceived twice. I don't want to be that person that gives him another chance only to find out that this has happened again? Can a person really change? I will do my part to be a better, more loving wife. He says he will never do it again and that he is sorry. He seems willing to do whatever I ask of him to rebuild trust. He seems genuinely sorry.

 

AM I A FOOL FOR GIVING HIM A SECOND CHANCE? Is there anybody out there that has cheated and been successful at NOT cheating again? If so, whats the secret?

 

As you can probably tell, I'm wondering if I can and should ever trust again.

[JoeWho]

In my personal experience and that of my friends who have been cheated on, once a person cheats they will do it again.

 

This is only a generalization and of course there are exceptions to this, but for the most part I think it holds true. I am sure there are some statics to back it up also.

[itsallgrand]

I just wanted to say I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

And you aren't responsible for him cheating.

 

He has yet to take responsibility for what he did. Would I trust someone who can not take responsibility for behavior that caused me so much pain? Not at that point. No. Not at all.

 

You are working on being a better wife after he had an affair. Is that not rewarding him for cheating?

 

Doesn't make sense to me. Unless you believe that you are somehow responsible for his affair.

 

And you simply, completely are not.

[Timebandit]

No specific advice, but in my mind two things needs to happen before you have any realistic chance of getting forward.

 

1. He must totally own his part part of the responsibility. No 'buts'.

 

2. He must take active steps to make sure it does not happen again. (counseling or whatever could help).

 

If these two conditions are not met, I think that you give up on it.

[Cimmie]

In my experience, once a cheater, always a cheater, holds good. But that's my experience, and my ex was a pathological liar, and used to tell me he wouldn't care if I slept with other people.

 

However, I suppose if I was in your shoes I would be very wary of giving up so many years of marriage without a fight. You need to think of the 'reasons' for the affair (according to him) and whether they are 'reasonable' in your eyes. Also, whether he genuinely repents, feels remorse, and is willing to do whatever you deem necessary to build trust. If he shows signs of wavering on any of those points, I would drop him like a hot potato.

 

The great danger anyone who takes back a cheating partner faces, is their actions being seen by the cheater as a tacit acceptance of that behaviour. If they see it like that, and know you've 'forgiven' them once, they are likely to do it again, should an opportunity arise. A good scare, like kicking them out of the house and communicating through a lawyer, can be enough to make them realize what they are risking. It's so very easy for a cheater who knows you love him to play on that and say he is terribly sorry and remorseful and worm his way back into your good books.

 

BTW, if there is a history of lies and avoidance on his part, the relationship is dead in the water. If he has always hitherto been a good and responsible husband, and has not lied to you, it is more likely to have been a one-off aberration.

 

You also need to think long and hard about whether you still love your husband, and whether your coldness towards him is indicative of some basic emotional block in the relationship.

 

Also, whether you personally can live with the knowledge that he has been intimate with another woman for eighteen months. I know that that would never, under any circumstances, be possible for me. I've been through it and I could NOT deal with it, even though I loved my ex. Game over.

 

In any event I would STRONGLY recommend couples therapy. It is invaluable in helping you both decide what needs to be done.

[LubBec]

Well....I'm not sure how you interpreted what I said to read that he hadn't taken responsibility for what he did. He absolutely has taken responsibility. He will say that he was 100% in the wrong and makes no excuses. To say that our marriage was going through a tough spell is true. In my opinion, nobody cheats when they have a "good" relationship.

 

I don't believe that I caused his affair. However, I do believe that if we are going to have our best relationship, it will take both of us doing all we can to be better spouses. Why should he settle for less than 100% when he is willing to give that much?

[Cimmie]

Well....I'm not sure how you interpreted what I said to read that he hadn't taken responsibility for what he did. He absolutely has taken responsibility. He will say that he was 100% in the wrong and makes no excuses. To say that our marriage was going through a tough spell is true. In my opinion, nobody cheats when they have a "good" relationship.

 

I don't believe that I caused his affair. However, I do believe that if we are going to have our best relationship, it will take both of us doing all we can to be better spouses. Why should he settle for less than 100% when he is willing to give that much?

 

I think you missed the point everyone was making: They all SAY they are sorry. Of course they do. Watch the feet, not the mouth.

[itsallgrand]

Why should he settle for less than 100% when he is willing to give that much?

 

Because he recently betrayed you, hurt you, and went against his vows. And you are entitled to a time to heal where he puts in more effort than you while he earns back your trust.

 

I'm not saying to punish. I'm saying let him work with the genuine concequences of his actions.

 

Otherwise he is not being treated like a man, IMO. It's coddling out of fear that he will leave.

 

That's my opinion and I"ll let that be. For the record, I do believe that in general cheaters remain cheaters.

And if they do change, it takes a very long time to see if that change is real. It's a long haul with low chances of success. A big risk.

[ycmanvs]

Get some couseling so you can see where you both stand and if the relationship can be saved.

[Raphael256]

I think the saying once a cheater always a cheater is totaly true.

My ex did cheat in her previous relationship, but i thought with me she never would...how wrong was i, even tho i do believe she loved me, it didn't stop her from cheating. I should have known better, i wont do the same mistake twice.

[JoeWho]

I think the saying once a cheater always a cheater is totaly true.

My ex did cheat in her previous relationship, but i thought with me she never would...how wrong was i, even tho i do believe she loved me, it didn't stop her from cheating. I should have known better, i wont do the same mistake twice.

 

Same thing for me man. Could have written that myself verbatim

[Boughs]

I cheated in my first relationship of 1 year... then had a 2 year relationship and did not cheat.

 

To me it depends... but in general, yes once a cheater always a cheater. I think you have to take a look at personality and see if cheating affected them. If it did, a lot, they won't cheat again... if it barely did (shrug it off) they will again.

[Altoona]

Well I'm going to throw my dimes worth in...

 

I found out about my x husbands affair after 3 months. I was totally shocked AND I DO share your pain. He was everything I imagined in a guy BUT, there were many red flags that I ignored before we got married. I'm a lot to blame for not running for the hills during that time.

 

There are 2 different kinds of cheaters, serial who will repeatidly cheat and go from one love wheel to another. There are others who are vunerable and seek comfort upon others, without realizing the dangers and sometimes save their marriage and learn from their lessons.

 

Never quite understood how someone feels the need to bury their problems within a bed?

 

After I filed for divorce I later found out that I was not the only spouse he cheated on.... That for me told me that for him sadly, he just did not know what love was or how to love someone. I realize that his problem stems from playing the same game just switching players. For me.. if he did it 2x, he will undoubtly do it again.

[Beec]

I don't think the saying is necessarily true. I cheated, the last time was almsot twenty years ago, on a girlfriend I loved. I was in college, away from her for the weekend, and I had opportunity knock. She never knew, she is long gone from my life for other reasons, and it has never happened again. So, I was once a cheater. Does that make me always a cheater, since I have not done it in almost two decades? I would think not. I learned, I matured.

 

Can your husband learn and mature? Of course, we are never too old to do so. Can you trust him again? That is your call. He may never cheat again and make you feel as secure as a man possibly could, and you still may not trust him. Three months is not a long time to figure that out.

[Cimmie]

I just don't understand how you can cheat on someone and claim to love them. My ex of 10 years did this to me. My conclusion? He lied everytime he said he loved me.

 

Cheating and lying is abuse, it's making a fool of someone, and you don't do that if you love them. That just won't compute for me.

[Beec]

I just don't understand how you can cheat on someone and claim to love them. My ex of 10 years did this to me. My conclusion? He lied everytime he said he loved me.

 

Cheating and lying is abuse, and you don't abuse someone if you love them. That just won't compute for me.

 

I'll put it this way. I was emotionally attached to her, in the sense of how I felt about this person, it was love.

 

However, I will also confess that what I did was not "love" as we should love. I did not treat her in a way, when I was with someone else, that was at all loving.

 

So, I think it depends on how you think of the word love. I think at the time, I had to learn some about it. But that does not mean my feelings for her were not feelings of love. It's my actions, and my character at that time, which were not up to snuff.

[Cimmie]

I'll put it this way. I was emotionally attached to her, in the sense of how I felt about this person, it was love.

 

However, I will also confess that what I did was not "love" as we should love. I did not treat her in a way, when I was with someone else, that was at all loving.

 

So, I think it depends on how you think of the word love. I think at the time, I had to learn some about it. But that does not mean my feelings for her were not feelings of love. It's my actions, and my character at that time, which were not up to snuff.

 

Well, I guess you feel differently about love since then, and that as you say some maturing has been done, as with most people think there is a difference between making a mistake out of immaturity and an inveterate liar and cheater, who sees nothing basically wrong with lying and cheating.

 

That's why I suggested to the OP that if her husband has lied regularly in the past the relationship stands little chance, whereas if this is genuinely a once-off there might be more hope. It hard to tell the difference though, especially when you are so emotional.

 

My ex had cheated and lied in the past, and I took him back. I shouldn't have done so, but I loved him. Lots of people make that mistake.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I don't think once a cheater always a cheater holds true in all cases. The OP said she has been married for 23 years. The affair lasted 1.5 years but it seems that prior to that, there was never any cheating. So, it is not like he has a big history of cheating...this happened after 21.5 years together. I think if he is truly remorseful and he is not a habitual liar about all kinds of things, then you have a good chance of working this out....although it will take time. I think a person can still love someone and end up cheating on them...it is when the cheating becomes habitual that I would question the love. But often times when a person cheats, the issue is within themselves.

As long as the lines of communication are open between the two of you, and he takes responsibility for his actions and is truly remorseful...the two of you should not just throw away 23 years of marriage.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

there are serial cheaters out there, and sex addicts etc. but i think you really have to look at the situation, what is going on with him and you, whether the affair is continuing, whether he wants to work on it, whether he agrees to attend counseling with you, whether you still love him and want to try.

 

i think at a minimum if the affair went on the 1.5 years, then you should insist on the some counseling, to help both of you comprehend why this happened, and whether you can repair the damage. to be married 23 years is a long time, so take some time to decide whether this is something you want to salvage or not (and whether he feels the same).

[northwoods]

I don't know if I believe in "once a cheater, always a cheater"... but he might be more easily 'tempted' later in life. You have to know that he is remorseful and regretful that it ever happened to begin with.

[LubBec]

I'm not sure how you "KNOW" that he is remorseful and regretful. I know that he "SAYS" that he is. He appears to act as if he is. He has done anything and everything I have asked in regards to rebuilding trust. He even went so far as to get a cell phone with a GPS locator on it so that I could look up his location online 24/7. I'm not sure what more he could actually do. He calls me 7 or 8 times every day to tell me what he is doing. He reminds me daily of how sorry he is for having betrayed and hurt me. He takes 100% responsiblity for it.

 

All that being said..... I wonder if I just "WANT" to believe him. I am still deeply in love with him and don't want to be married to anybody else. We are truly soul mates. However, I wonder if my feelings for him make me more vulnerable. I can't imagine leaving him.

 

I'm sure to most this sounds very pathetic on my part. If you met me you would know that I am a very independent, confident, attractive and successful woman. I know I don't "need" him, but I "want" to be with him.

That being said, I also only want to be with him if he is going to be faithful to me.

 

It is such frustrating feeling knowing that I may be risking so much to stay with him. I just don't hear much positivity about second chances.

[Beec]

It seems to me like he is doing what he needs to be doing, and you are taking your time figuring out if you can trust him again, and all of this sounds fine and good, considering the circumstances.

 

Many, many people have relationships with infidelity, and a lot of them survive and improve. Maybe you need to read some about recovering. Not "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass seesm to get great reviews. link removed

[LubBec]

I think I'm going to get a copy of that book. It looks like it might be just what I need right now. Thanks for the tip!

[Beec]

You're welcome. Hope things work out for you. Good luck.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Please don't base things on sayings such as "once a cheater, always a cheater". Also, there are serial cheaters out there but that doesn't mean that everyone who cheats is a serial cheater. I have read reports about how lots of people end up cheating on their partners. I imagine not all of these people were serial cheaters....I am sure in a lot of cases it had to do with inner unhappiness. This is not a one size fits all world and you can't assume that what is the case for some relationships is the same for all. Each case has to be taken individually. Your husband sounds truly remorseful. No, there are no guarantees with anyone, but if you love him and he loves you, then it is worth fighting for. He may see the hurt you are going through and vow never to do that again to you. There are plenty of relationships that survive infidelity. No, you are not pathetic...you are a caring person who doesn't want to just throw away a marriage, especially when the partner is working at making amends. I hope the book that was recommended by Beec will help you.