Marcus Sientre

Ok, I wasn't really sure where this would fit best, but since I'm leaning towards one topic at the moment, I'll try here. Basically, me and my girlfriend of 2 years broke about 8 months ago (looong time). . .alright. But the thing is, we ended up breaking up on the Sunday night/Monday morning of finals week at college (well, she took that semester off, so I had finals). I was really angry and frustrated because of why we broke up (long story, but it basically boiled down to not being able to trust her [and I know opinions can differ on this] because of 'cybering' [its pathetic, I could have dealt with the actions, but she lied and tried very hard to cover it up]). Anyway, I was angry at her, the situation, everything, and I was not going to let it mess up my grades by getting all caught up in it and losing focus on my finals. So I just ignored it. I just pretended I didn't care, whatever, I'm better off without her, whatever. Well, I thought it worked great. We broke up and it was easy. Especially compared to last time (we broke up briefly once before because she met a guy online [who was only 19], once she told him she was all his, he kinda freaked out and dumped her). But here I am, 8 months later. Another semester has gone by, and I'm suddnely flooded with free time during the winter break. Combined with a "friend" of mine (bleah, stupid story there) who broke up with her boyfriend recently (and all the talking that goes along with that) it has completely caught up with me. I feel dumb; after 8 months, I shouldn't care anymore, right? I was totally fine before, but now all of a sudden its setting in? What the heck? Its a crazy worldwind mixture of being angry at myself for getting upset about it now, and with feeling sad because of the break up. I tried to remind myself of all the great reasons we broke up (the last thing, that I mentioned was the 'straw', there were other reasons that we should have broken up sooner...), and those got me this far. But its not enough anymore. The free time, talking to my friend, and the fact that this is the time of year when we first started dating (I can't hardly breathe the air without thinking about what it was like when we first started dating!) is just too much. I don't miss the way things were at the time that we broke up, but I miss the way things were before all the crap started soooo much. And thats all that I'm reminded of anymore. So I don't know what I'm here for. Part venting, part advice I guess. Please someone tell me that its ok that I'm freaking out about it 8 months after the fact (at least I wasn't focused on it during those 8 months...)! It really seems like this is just too long, like there's something wrong with me. I'm also having trouble moving on some (which I guess is normal). But there is a reason that we stayed together well after we should have, and a reason that I can't stop thinking about her now. She has two sides to her. One sides lies, cheats, is very emotionally selfish, requires your constant attention, always needs to have its confidence built back up, makes up 'woe-is-me' stories to accomplish those last two goals, and just drains you and makes you feel worse about yourself because if shes feeling bad, its always because she has "done something wrong", and isn't good enough/has disappointed you/whatever, and then you feel piss poor because you feel like you made her feel that way.Then you have to build her back up. Then there is the side that can be physically attentive (cuddles, hugs, kisses, everything and anything I could want), is attractive (not in the super model way, but in the pretty, inocent, cute kind of way), and fills that need you have to feel important to someone! To feel like no matter what, at least one person loves you. She was good at that. Its all the bad things that made it a horrible relationship, but its all the good things that has made leaving it so hard. Worst still, those good things are exactly what I'm looking for in girl. We still work at the same place (big retail store, different departments thank God). I don't talk to her, but sometimes I'm around her. And I imagine if I didn't know all the bad stuff about her, if I pretend I didn't know her, I would be so insanely in love with her, just like I was the first time. She exudes exactly what I'm looking for, and its something that I haven't found anywhere else yet. So for my question. . how do I move on? I'm stuck. I can't go back to her, I won't and I honestly don't want too. But I can't move forward either. Everyone else I meet just seems pale and poor in comparison (with respect to the good qualities, obviously...). I don't know what to do. :sad:

Huh, interesting. I have a few questions. Is it just her that you're not attraced to? As in, are you attracted to other females at all? Males? Without knowing much more, I'll ask (and I dont need details if you dont want to say), if its not an all out -just- physical attraction to anyone that "gets you going", are you into anything "out of the ordinary" (I dont care for that phrase too much. . .). What I mean by that is, fetishes and the like (BDSM for example)? It may be that your sexual interests lay stronger in some other area. If they do, you might consider talking to her about them and involving her, depending on what it is, and if she is willing to participate. EDIT: And I dont know if this really falls into the realm of your problem/question or if I'm just reading into it, but so far has her needing to feel like you're attracted to her. . .I dont know, I'm not sayings its right or wrong for her to feel how she feels. . .feelings tend to just happen, they arent planned or plotted. If you both want to continue your relationship, it may just be something you'd have to work out with yourself, if she cant deal with it. . .I'd imagine it's a security (or insecurity) issue. She's probably thinking to herself "If he's not attracted to me, then he's bound to wander off to whomever he does find attractive, either now or later when/if we get married." So she may just be worried.

Probably not the kind of help you're wanting, but to be honest, I cant really reply on a whole lot of your questions, except for the Now, unless you've told him that you shave down there, I dont think he would expect you to be any other way than natural. Obviosuly this is totally just an opinion, and I suppose there are plenty of people out there that think differently than me but I've never really "expected" anything particular down there for a girl. I always thought it was a pretty small "issue". . .basically it didnt matter. I would assume unless you two have discussed the issue, he'd be the same way. Ok, I've never waxed anything before, but especially since its your first time, I'm going to go out on a limb and say yes, it'll probably hurt a fair bit. But I would assume it would last atleast the two days pretty well, better than shaving atleast.

Ok, so my feeling of lostness is still there some. Feeling hurt is a large one right now, but even its quickly getting replaced my anger. Is this normal?

Thanks for the advice, I dont think I was really clear enough in my post (Sorry, I was just kinda. . .bleah). The breakup. . .the one that offcially happened last night, seems independent of all her therapy and stuff. She said she doesnt love me like she used too. She said that we have different goals in life and too many differences between us. She's pretty much ready to throw are relationship to the side, she's done. I'm having a hard time dealing with it because of how I still love her. Of course I know that love wont get me anywhere, and I guess I need to focus on moving on. So far as the NC thing goes, I guess now I can, and should. She said that she still wants us to be friends, but I was kinda like "Umm, ok, sure. . .someday. But I can't feel the way I feel about you and be friends with you too, not yet", and she seemed understanding of that. So yea. . .relationship over. . .*sigh*

So yea, thanks for all the advice. I really appreciate it. But it looks like my girlfriend solved my problem for me.

Wow, its been one of those weeks, you know? link removed . . .not important, other than to know that. . .I was having trouble dealing with the fact that for her mental health, I had to separate from my girlfriend for awhile, but she said we needed to stay good friends through all of it for her betterment. Obviously this was really just killing me. But guess flippin' what?. . . She broke up with me tonight! And no, I'm not excited about this, I'm just trying to stay. . .together. I DID NOT see this coming. Really I didn't. Its all the normal bs I suppose I'm feeling though, the whole "I love her, and she loves me Tra la la la la". BOOM, oops guess what, turns out she doesnt love me after all. Not anymore anyway. I still love her though. I dont know what to do. All I know is what I cant do, and thats be with her. But I just dont know what I should do right now. I havnet cried yet, I'm sure I will at some point. I feel very empty though, and lost. I feel. . .nothing. Blah, breaking up sucks. Honestly, I'm so. . .ok, I'm going to say lost again. Actually I'm a little afraid too. I thought we were perfect together. I thought she was perfect for me. And if what I think is perfect isnt for me, then what is? How can there be anyone more perfect for me out there? What were the odds that me and her would find eachother in the first place? I mean, I know there are a lot of "fish in the sea", but it feels like I've already found my fish, and she doesnt love me anymore. So now what? What hope do I have now? What is there for me after all of this crap? Bah!

*sigh* She's just not being fair about all of this. I know that right now she is the one with the problems and that she needs to come first, but she is really putting me through hell with all of this. And like I said in my other thread, her therapist says that we HAVE to stay good friends through this. So I get to be constantly reminded of how we arent dating anymore, because I have to be around, not doing all the same stuff we used to (holding hands, hugging, kising, being mushy with eachother (I know I'm a guy and I'm not supposed to like that. . .and if anyone asked, I dont. . .but I really did-and-do love her, so it just felt good). And thats the phrase that just keeps going through my head. . .the phrase that we're supposed to grow out of in this 1st grade. . . its just not fair. I dont know what to do. Does anyone have any advice? What do I really want to do? I want to explain, a little bit, of this to her. I want us to take this a little more slowly. I havent had as much time as she has to get ready for this!!! And I dont have a therapist helping me deal with the feelings either. But I dont think I can. She apparently cant get better until she's out of our relationship, so thats happening. . . very quickly. . .for me. And I cant risk holding her back, or slowing down her progress. So I continue to give her my happy face, trying not to cry when I'm around her, just making jokes and trying to laugh, because its all about her right now.

Some people get scared off by long posts, so I decided to end it there. By stuff. . .here's an example. I dont want to give you the wrong impression, when we were dating, I wasnt ever really the kinda person to. . .keep tabs on her, because I know I hate it when people do it to me. But. . .well, here's what happened. Yesterday, I we talk on and off on yahoo IM, and after awhile she tells me she's going to go out for a bit to exercise. I say ok, have fun. and she assumingly walks away. A few hours go by. . .and a few more hours go by. .. and eventually 7 hours go by. . .(I had the day off from work, so I was just hanging out anyway), its 1:30 in the morning, and there hasnt been a peep out of her since. Now, a friend might just say "meh, I guess she found something else to do", but what can I say, I worry about her still, just like I did when we were dating, because as of this time just last week, we were. So it's 1:30 am, obviously its dark out, and I havent heard from her yet, so I send her a message on yahoo, wait about 10 minutes, and go ahead and send her a text message on her phone. Her reply? "sshh, I'm sleeping" Ok, so as much as it. . .bothered me, I held it all in and just said to myself "She needs her sleep, so I'm not going to even deal with it". And I didnt. To her, this may have seemed like a great thing to do, we are just friends after all, what does it matter. But for me, whatever we call our relationship, my feelings havent changed one bit in the whole TWO DAYS we've been officially separated. But like I said, she's had a month and half to work on this, so it was nothing to her. Whats the big deal. . .just friends. . .just friends. . . Like I said, I know shes not doing it to hurt me, and it did. . .getting this rush job out the door of our relationship is in fact really really really hurting me, but she's not doing it on purpose, it just isnt a rush job for HER. And that was just day one. . . I've got 3 weeks to two years to look forward too.

link removed for reference but heres the quick version: My girlfriend is having issues, one of them being her dependence on other people. . .mainly me. So her therapis has decided that we need to separate so that she can get better. . . Gaaah, I can't take this. Its killing me. Ok, so I knew he had to happen so that she could get better, and I supported her, and what needed to be done. But things have changed since what she first told was going to happen and I cant handle this Originally it was going to be three months -tops- (well, relative tops, if for whatever reason she just still was ready it could be longer, but three months was the therapists original suggest that she thought basically "yea, maybe you wont be ready, but three months is the conservative estimate). My girlfriend had said that her therapist said that the time though, would be up to her. Her therapist just though some time was needed, weather is was a week, and month, or the three months, we just needed to take some time. Well, now it "whenever I get done in therapy, it would be three weeks or it could be two years". Ok, that through me for a loop. But it doesnt change the fact that it needs to be done so that she can get better. It'll be harder, but whatever, has to be done. . . And while she's telling me this, she also tries to make me promise that I'll date other people. What the heck!!! I'm trying to do everything in my power to make her feel better about all this, but that was the one thing. .. the one thing she's asked of me that I couldnt do. I told her to ask me in a few weeks. Arrggg But what I cant deal with is whats happening now. It really is killing me its been two days. . .TWO days, and already she seems to be in this crap "friend mode". It was really hard at first, because it was starting to make me doubt the way she had felt about me at all! But I really dont think thats it, and I know all this is hard on her too. But I couldnt figure out why she was handling this so much better than me. I mean, she's not a terribly weak person, but neither am I. This is a big deal! Its all the small stuff thats getting to me. . . I finally figured out how she's did it. I had an idea, and despite all this she isnt too shy about my questions, so I just asked her (and yea, not too shy, and didnt care about answering at all) how long ago it was that her therapist suggested we separate. Turns out, since her and her therapist have a history (she went to her in her teens) she figured out right away that one of her problems was the control issues she had back then, that she recommended that we separate after her first visit. She has had a month and a half to get ready for this. A month and half to get it straight in her head about how things were going to change. A month and half to cuddle on my couch and watch a tv, to go to the movies as a couple for the last time, to hang out at our cars after work with my arm around while we talked and joked around. You get the point. For the last month and a half, she's been doing all this last time stuff. And I never knew! I just. . . At first it seemed like she was just trying to hurt me, but it seems different now. I'm dying here because everything for me is changing ALL AT ONCE, I cant handle this. She gets to call the shots on how we do this, and she's not going slow at all. Its all happening at the same time. . .for me. . .she's been getting ready for us to stop dating and become friends for 6 weeks, the final offical decision was almost a closure for her. Her dejecting me to friend status all at once is really hard to deal with, but for her, its not all at once at all. I know that she's not doing what shes doing to hurt me, and I mean the "normal" stuff that she does, or rather doesnt do now, that is hurting me.

Well it happened. It happened today. She said it could be three weeks, or it could be two years. Or anytime in between.

*sigh* Ok, well. . .nothing has changed yet. Our usual date day (we try and set a day each week to get together, and its been Wednsdays this semester) is. . .like I said, Wednsday, and she said she might know by then. Or she might decide by the weekend, after her weekly appointment (Thursday). I asked her today (nicely of course) how she wanted us to be (well, I gave it as a sorta option, I said "Is it ok if we just act like we always have until you decide?). And she said yes, we arent separated yet ("silly", she added that in). So thats where we stand now. We're still dating I guess until the guillotine comes down and we spontanously separate. I really dont understand how this is going to work. How can you go from dating, to friends -when- you both have every expectation of getting back together after a set period of time, and arent breaking up for any reasons of "dislike" (by that I mean, we're not breaking up do to cheating, anger issues, bad toilot habits, or just out of a sense of "meh, I dont hate you, but I dont like you anymore" thing that some couples run into). Our feelings are still going to be exactly the same. We just wont be dating. We'll be friends. . .who love eachother and want to get married someday. . . Its like (weird analogy, hang with me). . . If you passed a starving child on the street, but didnt have any money or anything of your own to help them, they'd stay there and be miserable, and you'd probably feel bad and continue on your way. This situation feels more like. . .you're walking down the street and see a starving child, and since you have a couple bucks, you run over to the nearest Mc.Donalds, buy yourself a super sized Bigmac, and dangle it in front of his face for a long period of time then eat it in front of him. Its just cruel! Well, I thank you for letting me get that out again, and thanks again for any words of wisdom and pearls of advice.

hehe, I like to think that her therapist isnt toooo nuts. My girlfriend had some issues in her teens, and this is the same therapist she went to then, so they have a pretty good relationship and all of that, so I'm not real worried about the therapist being too far off on her advice and such. That said, I actually imagined what it was going to be like, and kinda broke down a bit. This is gonna suck.

It does, thanks. And thanks for the advice. Its kinda one of those things. . .her therapist suggested it this way. Its kind one of this things, nc wasnt even and option. Its either we stay the way we are now (which is an option, but the therapist doesnt like the idea. She said it'll take a lot longer for her to get back together, she needs as much time for herself as possible, BUT one of her biggest problems is that she has major issues with being around other people, in groups, etc., so getting all this time to herself also requires spending time with groups. . .*sigh*). See, the thing is, she's kinda in there for two reasons: She cant handle groups at all. . .-at all-. . ., and thats probably the lighter of the issues. She's also in there because of some depression (she never actually did anything, the major promt that got her to go to her therapist was some idea of suicide). Sooooo, I'm just guessing on this part, that the reason the therapist wants it this way is so that she doesnt get depressed about breaking up with her boyfriend (me ) and everything else that is going on.

Crummy title I know, I couldnt think of anything else. But here goes nothing. . . This is sorta a lot of questions, thoughts, and stuff that. .. I dont know, I want to say, and hope someone has some advice for. I feel kinda lost and dont know where to start. I guess I'll start with the most surface thing. How do you deal with the NC No Contact rule when you. . .can't? I mean, I understand that-that is supposed to make the seperation easier, but what if you just can't? Ok, my girlfriend just told me today that she is going in for therapy. I completely support this because, well, I think she should have sooner. Of course you can't just tell a person that (well, unless they become self-destructive, which she hadnt yet), but she was just going down and down. Her therapists recommends that me and her take a 3 month break from eachother, and she's considering it. From a logical stand point, I support this. And I've told her (without just saying Logically and stuff, I said it like I meant it) that it might be a good idea, and that her therapist knows whats good for her, and that I'll stand by whatever decision they make. Hearing that, she said that she's going to think about it. . .but we've been dating for almost two years now, and I recognized "that" thinking. Its the thinking that means she just isnt ready to tell me, but she already knows. I'm sure shes going to do it. The thing is, we absolutley have to remain friends during the whole thing. Ok, thats going to need some explanation there. I love her, deeply, which is why I didnt say anything bad about this idea to her face. . .thats also why I'm posting here, But I mean, I wont hate her for doing this, nor would I reeeeally want to do NC for this seperation, even though I think it would be easier. But for her, we have to remain friends. Like I said, I wouldnt denounce or anything otherwise, but we're going to have to not just remain buds or something, but really close friends still. That means lots of time together, doing stuff together and in groups, talking, etc. ..just not as a couple. I wont say I dont know what to do. . .I know what to do. . .I'm going to go with whatever they decide is best for her and I'm going to do it. But I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it myself. Thats it. . .I'm sure I'll make some more posts. .. lots of things are swirling in my head right now. . .