indea08

What do you want us to say? That she was totally out of line and is likely going to hurt him? So you can feel right about disliking her? Look where that would leave Rich. Just having lost his father, a crappy girlfriend, and a best friend that’s pushing him to go through a break up. If HE has an issue with her, HE will handle it when he’s ready. If YOU have an issue with her, now is not the time to make waves about it. Now is the time for you to be nothing but supportive of whatever Rich says he needs, regardless of your own opinions. You came here for opinions and then declared that we know nothing about life because we didn’t agree with you. So how are you going to react to Rich when he doesn’t agree with you and gets upset with you for adding more stress to his already full plate?

He’s asked for a run through of all your specific encounters!? HUGE RED FLAG. Your past is yours and you do not owe it to anyone. If you want to share, then great, but that is your choice and you shouldn’t feel bad for one second. When my husband and I first discussed our history, he asked if I was more in the 15-20 range or more like 45-50 range, talking about number of people. I replied with the truth: 15-20 range. He said “cool, me too.” And that was that. Stories have come up on occasion since then, but in the moment, it was my/his choice to share, not an obligation.

I think she did the right thing, minus posting about her fun weekend. Its best that your friend finds comfort within his own family right now, not a woman he’s been dating for 7 months. It’s also best that you keep your opinion, whatever that may be, to yourself. Don’t hold it in for months and then drop it on Rich on a late night at the bar or something. Feel your feelings, and then let them go. They will proceed however is best for them, and you having an opinion about it will only ruin your relationship with your friend.

Not enough information. Context matters in this case.

I could understand and empathize with any decision you would make here. On one hand, for me that would be a decent level of emotional energy I’d have to spend to be okay with the ex-FWB situation. Add on top of that an affair that I’m assuming is fairly recent? I’m pretty protective of my emotional peace, so deciding to work through that feels like a big commitment to me. Does it feel that way to you? Do you have room in your life for that level of commitment? On the other hand, I can really see how dating and meeting someone on your wavelength could be really difficult in the world today. You say you’ve been together less than a year. Has it been 8mos or so? Do you love her? How do you feel when you imagine figuring out retirement and having grandchildren together? You also say you’re looking to go long term, so this is a great time to evaluate where you’re at in your affection for who she is.

Aw, so glad for you. Congratulations! ♥️

Why are you fine with him being friends with an ex?? Most people would not be, especially those who were just cheated on. I would tell him that you just aren’t comfortable dating a guy with that close of a friendship with an ex, it’s just not what you want. It’s okay to be honest with yourself and him about that. Wouldn’t you rather not have to deal with it at all? You are not wrong, he acted inappropriately.

25 year old me would tell you that if you feel off about their closeness, then this is not the right situation for you. Don’t stay so long that you start to feel crazy, and have trouble determining where the line truly is. (Been there, done that, it’s awful) 32 year old me who’s been married for 6 years (and in relationships since I was 15) will tell you that you’re so young, you’re dating (not married, so don’t treat him like a husband), and friendships/relationships should be FUN. They should ADD value and happiness to your life, not become a necessary piece of it. You don’t have to agree on everything, you can have your friends and he can have his. And if you end up getting serious in a couple years, those opposite sex nuances tend to fade away on their own. You’ve let him know how you feel, now let it go, see how he handles that friendship in the future, enjoy the good in your relationship, and see where life takes you.

So you have about 10-12 years until both of your separate children finish school and are ready to support themselves. Your shared child’s schooling can be changed by the two of you, so that’s not as much of an obstacle. Given your known circumstances, how would you best like to experience the next 10-12 years? Perhaps you could try a rental? That’s a little less permanent. Although, in todays market (in the US at least), purchasing a home is hardly permanent. Maybe there’s a nearby attraction, like a lake or amusement park, you’d like to be near for a few years. Maybe further out of town might be better, to do outdoor activities with your growing kiddos (four wheelers, hiking, animals). Or maybe you’d rather have lots of activities nearby, and a condo might work for a couple years. My point is, you’re currently writing the story of your life…so instead of focusing on where it’s taking place, maybe focus on what you want the story to be. That will give you some clarity and direction.

Literally everything else, is easier.

Remain curious, always seek to understand, and learn to love her in her language.

Yeah, of all the men in the world, why would you bother with one who has all this BS to deal with. You really are better off. You shouldn’t have even apologized, HE was soooooo wrong.

This is correct. I’ve lived through this exact scenario. I was in your boyfriend’s position. It starts off as a friendship and you’re grateful you all get along. Then, when anything happens between you and your boyfriend (an argument, disagreement, having to take care of you when you’re sick, etc), that drama free friendship looks easier, and therefore more desirable. And it’s forbidden, so the rush is….intoxicating. And once it’s started, there really is no stopping it. If you’re best friend is mocking you for your jealousy, you need to address that. That’s not cool. Especially with your new boyfriend there to join in with her, backing you into a corner. That’s not okay. You really, really need to handle all of this NOW by being upfront and honest with everyone, including yourself. If it doesn’t feel okay to you, that’s because it’s not. Trust your instincts. FWIW, I ended up leaving my boyfriend and dated the other guy. It was messy, but I have no regrets. I’m sure the ex (you, in your scenario) would not say the same.

“Hey friend, I’m really sorry to tell you this, but I’ve got to head home and take care of myself for a bit. I’ve lost a close friend and I’m struggling and would just like to be home with my boyfriend. I know I said I’d help you move, and I hope you don’t think I took this decision lightly, but I just don’t have the extra emotional energy to spare right now. I hope you can understand.” If she can’t extend a little courtesy under these circumstances, she’s not a good friend. Going forward, don’t give anything that you will feel resentful for having given.

Why is this coming to the surface now, after 4 years of relationship with her? Something else is amiss. What she did, who she called/texted, and who she visited before you were “official” is none of your business. Honestly, and I might be in the minority for this, even after becoming official, she didn’t owe you the knowledge of her every thought, feeing, and conversation. A person she spent a large chunk of her life with was dying, and just based off of the comments you make here, it doesn’t seem like it would’ve been a safe space for her to be honest with you about her feelings related to that. If you want someone to be forthcoming, you have to first show them you’re committed to being open minded and not defensive. I strongly encourage you to quit looking for past problems, and look at the relationship you have today. You mention multiple times that she’s a great girlfriend now, so why are you trying to sabotage that with memories from years ago?

Read this again and again if you need to. So, so true.

I am noticing this more and more lately with fathers and adult daughters. You think you have a parent/child relationship with them…but they are not children, they are adults. So until you give them the respect they deserve, you will not get any respect back from them. Honestly, if I were them, I would’ve left as well. They are likely going to keep you at a distance until you learn how to have a respectful relationship with the adult versions of them.

The number one way to advance your career and salary is to change companies every 1-2 years. There are many articles on this from reputable sources, including Forbes. Based on what you’ve said here, this is a no brainer. YES you want the new job. It is not a sure thing until you’ve signed an offer letter, so keep it professional and know there may be other potential candidates. Your loyalty is commendable, but I must warn you to be careful of hindering your own professional growth by prioritizing the company you work for over yourself. They would not prioritize your interests over their own, so if you don’t put yourself first, no one else will. Congratulations, options are always good! You should ALWAYS keep an eye on the job market in your field, even if you are happy in your role.

Ahhhh hangover apologies…been there. I get why she doesn’t want to talk about it, everything that was fun last night is covered with a layer of embarrassment the next morning. Not that that’s fair to you, you deserve to have your questions answered. Is your relationship otherwise healthy? Was this truly a one-off?? If so, I personally would probably try to forgive and forget. You wouldn’t be out of line to leave her over it…I just think that dating now days seems so difficult, and if you are truly happy with her otherwise, this could be just a small speed bump in an otherwise happy life. Maybe sit with it a few days and see what you think?? I’m sorry it happened.

Let me give you some perspective. Within the first two years of my relationship with my husband, we traveled together for months at a time from Ohio to Texas to California to Minnesota, got married, and then settled to live together in our house that we owned. I don’t say this for you to compare apples to oranges, but more to show you that if those are the things you want, there are men out there who want them too.

I’m really proud of you for being able to take off your rose colored lenses and see this for what it is…. After TWO YEARS!? Girl, I wouldn’t have lasted 6 months being separate from his life like this. You’re worth far more.

I agree with this. I find your stance related to her toys to be very odd. They are her personal toys, that she hopefully cleans after use.

“What do you want? And what can you offer me in return?”

I agree with the others that you should not stay at the hotel if you don’t want to. You’ve made yourself VERY CLEAR from the beginning that you won’t do that, and she is being a manipulative b*tc.h about it. Expecting people to just shell out hundreds of dollars like that, especially given the world wide inflation, for SOMEONE ELSE’S wedding is just absolutely insane. I’m glad you’re standing your ground, and I’m glad you’re asking where your money is going. I honestly wouldn’t even give them my money. I’d pay for myself separately from them. They don’t seem trustworthy at all.

I would say there’s no sense in being upset. If my brother asked me, I’d run it by my SO because I love my brother and if he wants to go then I’d want him to go, separately. I’d expect my SO to say no, and then I’d tell you brother, “sorry, no can do.” Don't make it more complicated than that. He asked you so you can, and should, be honest.