painfullyshy

Charmed - thanks for your input Well since I started my new job I haven't been able to hang out as much in the bar which has been our point of contact...unfortunately so as yet haven't had an opportunity to approach him and ask him to speak in private. I have seen him a couple of times since, on one occasion I walked into bar and found him acting very friendly with my ex-boyfriend to which he had never really spoken before - they were hanging out and playing pool together - my ex is really jealous and possessive so when I saw them together I almost panicked wondering what had been said. It took all my courage to walk over and say hi and to chat with them casually, well I still don't know what to make of his behaviour..on that occasion he chatted ok but spent most of the time making jokey comments about me and looking like he couldn't wait to escape. Later on that evening a group of us agreed to play pool together girls versus boys, so a friend of mine teamed up with me and challenged my ex-boyf to a game of pool and told him to go find a partner. Well he went straight and asked the guy I like to be his partner and this guy said no he didn't want to play - yet he had quite happily played all night against my ex-boyfriend! I thought to myself 'ok stay calm maybe your just being paranoid that he doesn't want to hang out around you' but then his best friend turned to him and said 'I know you, I know why you don't want to play' and as he did so I caught them both look at me. By which time I'm thinking 'ok this is him blowing me out basically' so we went off to play pool with his best friend instead. Well you can't make someone like you so I thought fair enough he doesn't want to know I'll just leave it. But then later on that evening when I walked past him alone on my way to the bathroom I could see him watching me walk past and he made some jokey comment about how bad I was at playing pool and grinned. This confused me because earlier in night he seemed like he didn't want a conversation and here was trying to get my attention. Then I saw him yesterday, again in bar with his friend turned up when it was my shift (maybe coincidental) but he wouldn't even make eye contact and the atmosphere seemed really tense and negative - well thats the vibe I felt. At one point he complained about one of the drinks his mate had, so I offered his friend a replacement - his friend was fine perfectly polite and friendly - but he was very abrupt and moody and I don't know why. I haven't done anything wrong in my opinion so I don't know why he seems to be so angry at me..I have made attempts to keep channels of communication open by being friendly to him but he swings from not even making eye contact or conversation, to jumping on every comment I make as if its a personal criticism of him... Its making a really unpleasant atmosphere. I'm hoping at some point I will get an opportunity to speak with him without his best friend hanging about, and say to him that i have detected negative vibes and apologise for whatever it is I have done that has made him angry at me...but I honestly can't think what I have done to make him act like this with me

Well as some of you know a couple of weeks ago when walking home from the bar I work in , the guy I had liked for nearly a year made a move on me and we kissed and stuff...he wanted sex but I turned him down because I just didn't feel ready...I tried to tell him that it wasn't anything he had done wrong it was that I wanted to wait a little (I wanted to be sure in my own mind that he liked me and wasn't just a player). Well since that time, I have seen him a couple of times come into the bar and his behaviour is really confusing me. The first time he came in was 3 days later and with his best friend in tow. In the past when he came in with his friend he didn't talk to me and hardly made eye contact - I don't know if that is because he is shy or embarrassed to speak with me in front of his friend or for some other reason. Anyway, he came in and was very quiet and again didnt talk to me, but when I served him drinks and stuff we had brief eye contact and he grinned at me a couple of times. I wanted to go over and check that everything was ok between us but I wasn't sure if he had told his friend what had happened so I thought it is best to just act casual and friendly and leave it until he came in alone. Ever since then, he has come into the bar a few times but always with his friend in tow (yet before we kissed he used to come in alone and chat) and I can't work out where I stand with him. Last time he came in he was very quiet and moody, he sat at bar with his friend and didnt look in my direction once so I went over and tried to engage him in casual conversation and was telling him about my new job and he just didn't seem like he wanted to talk to me...so I gave up making small talk and carried on serving other customers. Yet when I talked with the other local guys who came in, he kept trying to join in the conversations. After I finished up working I went and sat at bar with a couple of the regular customers and chatted (the guy I like was playing pool with his friend) and had a few drinks. I got chatting to one of the regular guys who comes in (he's about 50) and was telling him about my new job and how it meant that after the next few weeks I wouldn't be working in the bar anymore at which point the guy I like jumps into the conversation and says 'but you'll still come in for birthdays, weddings etc won't you?' - yet when I had tried to have this conversation with him earlier he wouldn't even make eye contact and looked as bored as hell...then suddenly when I talk to someone else he is interested to know. I know he is usually a fairly quiet and shy guy anyway, but what is with him? I haven't made any attempt to discuss what happened in public (I have kept it to myself) and I have treated him the same as I always have...so I can't figure out his behaviour at all. I now think that he has told his friend what happened because his friend has totally changed his behaviour towards me (he used to be cheeky and rude and now he is quite friendly and polite) and the last few times I have seen his friend watching me out of the corner of my eye. Anyone got any idea what is happening here? Thanks

I know that it is the right thing to do in the situation..but at the moment I feel so miserable and low knowing that this guy I have such strong feelings for lives just a few feet away from me. Not seeing him will be the easy bit - last night was my last night in the pub which is where I always saw him - last night he did not turn up even though he knew it was my last night so I guess that means he regrets what happens and doesn't think enough of my friendship to try and stay in touch. I'm gutted. Once I start my new job I know it will get easier...but right now feels like my heart has been ripped out

My situation is a bit complicated so bear with me... I have lived with my boyfriend for eight years, but three of those years I have been extremely unhappy in the relationship because my boyfriend is so possessive, jealous, controlling and emotionally manipulative - he uses sulking and silent treatment to bully me into doing what he wants...and he is extremely selfish and insensitive. So your probably thinking well get out and leave then..but for me it is not so simple 3 years ago I got struck down with chronic illness and financially I couldn't afford to move out so I confess I just kept my head down and lived with the situation to keep the peace. I'm only just been able to work a few hours a week this last year so its very slow progress saving the money to get a place of my own and get my independence...I also started doing driving lessons which is expensive. (Just so you know I financially supported my boyfriend through 3 years of university so its not like I'm using him for money - I pay my way where I can with my meagre earnings). Well the problem became much worse a year ago when I moved into his parents house and instantly developed a crush on my neighbour...who is this younger gorgeous guy. Well for much of the last year I have managed to keep my feelings hidden when my neighbour came into my work (the village pub). Until recently when we began hanging out alot and yes although I have this strong attraction to him I just enjoyed his friendship/companionship and thought it was probably just the same for him. Then a week ago everything changed, when walking home from work he made a pass at me and we end up kissing. He wanted to have sex but I was so confused in my feelings that I said to him I wasnt ready and I wasnt sure if it was sensible to be doing that...although I told him I really fancied him. Now I can't stop thinking about him and I know its crazy and I shouldn't be doing it and that I'm playing with fire but I cant help my feelings I really like this guy alot. unfortunately I suspect that he like some young men is probably just out for the sex but I can't be sure. He still comes into the pub where I work but I cant stand it because the tension awkwardness is just awful...he can barely make eye contact with me and its difficult now to hold a conversation. I want to approach him and ask him what is going on because I can't bare the thought that I may lose his friendship over this but he has started coming in and leaving with his best friend and I can't accost him on his way home without people talking. Well maybe its a blessing in disguise because I start a new job on monday and I won't see him again (because I'm quitting my job at the pub) but I can't get him out of my head and can't stop thinking does he like me or does he regret what happened... should i just forget him? if so how do i go about doing that? how do you forget someone you have such strong feelings for?

I think that there is always two sides to every story and that we shouldn't stand in judgement on others unless we know all the facts.. I for one in the past have judged people who have cheated and then later go on to find out that there were other factors involved that were not known at the time... for example a close friend of mine cheated on her long term boyfriend with another guy and everyone was quick to condemn her but in actual fact she was trying to escape an unhappy relationship where he was actually a victim of domestic abuse. I think cheaters are lead to cheat because there is something missing in their current relationship - something they are looking for (and they are not going about it in the sensiblest way but there ya go..) just my thoughts..

hmm don't think she would have hugged you for like 30 seconds if she didn't like you! also she sent you a text message: from a girls perspective i wouldn't send that text message unless i meant it...maybe she is just too shy to tell you in person! don't think you have anything to worry about - just relax, be yourself and enjoy her company.

well the problem is we had hung out before on a few occasions and just talked and had a few drinks together and that sort of stuff...but as for discerning what his feelings are towards me this guy is a total enigma. on our own together he seems quite comfortable and has confided in me some personal stuff about his life that other people don't know...but before thursday when he kissed me i had no clue he liked me in that way at all. the problem is we only really see each other in my place of work which is a small village pub, and because of the nature of small villages and their tendency to gossip and pry its difficult to openly show your feelings i guess. also his behaviour alone to me is different to his behaviour in front of his friends - alone with me he is quite relaxed and chatty with his friends he can hardly make eye contact with me.

i'm wondering if anyone has any insights/valuable advice they could share as to how you know whether someone is interested in you or just out for sex. (sorry for being blunt). i have liked this guy for a long time, and he is a total enigma and the most difficult person to work out because he is so quiet and private. on thursday night when walking home from work he finally made a move and asked if he could kiss me - (well after liking him nearly year i had begun to give up hope anything would happen) anyway we then spent the next three hours kissing and fooling about. he wanted to go all the way but i told him it wasnt going to happen because it was too soon for me and that i didnt' usually do this kind of thing. well i could tell from his face he was really disappointed but you know i wasn't go to be pressured. i tried to ask him why he had made a move on me because i have this sneaky suspicion that perhaps im a conveniently placed girl rather than someone he has a burning passion for. but i couldn't really get any sense out of him he said that he had asked for a kiss as a spur of the moment thing - hardly the declaration i was looking for. anyway i ended the night and said i was going to bed because i was tired and that i would see him about. tonight he came into where i work with his friend (which he doesnt do often not on sundays) and he acted really shy even worse than usual, he couldn't meet my gaze when buying a drink from me initially...usually he makes cheeky remarks to me. then a couple of times when i served him our eyes locked and he gave me a cheeky conspiratorial kind of grin... i had to leave to drive a friend home so i didnt actually get to speak with him. so im now not sure if he likes me, isnt interested at all, or is interested but only coz he thinks he can get sex out of me...is there anyway i can know without asking him outright?

charmed thanks for the welcome i suspect your probably right he is never going to do anything...but then i wonder why he keeps pushing for dates and times when we can smoke together... so many times i have given up on this and thought 'hey whatever' and then he comes back again. i dont understand it when he has lots of friends in the village and one just twenty or so feet away in our courtyard that he smokes with...why does he need to smoke with me? just doesnt' make sense to me. if he wants just friendship that is fine with me...i value that...im just sick of walking around on egg shells not knowing where we stand with each other...its like living on a knife edge all the time.

hi im new and shy so bear with me ok my situation is kinda complicated i live with my boyfriend and his parents..but basically our relationship has been over in all but name for a long time...i just cant afford to move out to a place of my own just yet and i get on with my boyfs parents so well that they say there is no rush. now the problem is i have developed a huge crush on my next door neighbour - he is this really cute but shy guy. the problem is we are both painfully shy people and i don't know if he likes me as a friend or if he wants more...but since im still in a relationship albeit a dead one i've tried to just develop a friendship with this guy. i work in the village pub and my neighbour comes in usually two to three times a week (maybe coincidence - maybe not) since he has lived here alot longer than me i dont know if that is what he usually does or if he comes to see me. what puzzles me is that his behaviour to me fluctuates so much, on one day he will be actively seeking me out for conversation and smiles and makes alot of eye contact and other occasions in front of certain people he doesnt even make eye contact as if hes embarrassed to know me. if my boyfriend walks into the pub my neighbour completely withdraws from our conversation or whatever and doesnt talk to me again that evening or will leave soon after. on other occasions he contiunally asks when we can get together for a smoke - i say anytime is fine but he never comes round unless he knows that my boyfriend is out and then i have to go and ask him round. what i dont understand is that if he only wants to be friends why does he clam up when my boyfriend walks in and why does he only want to meet me for a smoke when my boyfriend is out? his behaviour is so confusing. the other evening in the pub i was laughing with one of the customers about all the guys in the village rumour has it that im having affairs with (small village gossip ) and my neighbour walked in. the other customer asked him where his friends were since he comes in alone alot and he said he didnt know. i jokingly said to this other customer 'oh didnt you know he comes in to see me his neighbour?' just to see what his reaction would be - he didnt say anything didnt try to deny or agree. then the other customer said 'oh so he is your toyboy is he?' (he is a bit younger than me) so i laughed and said 'yeah sure' again my neighbour did nothing to agree or deny. then later on i was joking about with neighbour and he didnt get that i was joking so i told him so - and he said 'i dont know what to make of you, i never know if your serious or not because you seem to hide behind stuff all the time'. i just didnt know what to say because i didnt really understand what he meant by it. then about five minutes later he asks if we are still on for a smoke on thursday together. i'm so confused by his behaviour, does he like me as a friend? does he want more? does he not like me at all and only wants a smoking buddy? help!