kevin_the_one

really just glad to have the ambien to get some sleep, the first 8 days after my wife said she was leaving me I only sleept 2 hrs a day and ended up in pych ward for suicide thoughts, the ambien alows my brain some rest from the constant battle in my mind so i don't miss the dreams

one advantage of taking ambien every night i don't remember my dreams

Here Are 10 Strategies That Never Work – Yet People Always Try 1. The first is to give her reassurance. “I’ve changed. I won’t be controlling anymore. I won’t lie to you anymore. I won’t have another affair,” and so forth. The efforts to give her reassurance. This almost never works. 2. The second strategy is to tell her over and over again, “I love you.” That never works. 3. Third is the use of prayer and hope, which is basically wishful thinking. Robert Ringer talks about wishful thinking in his book Winning Through Intimidation. He was in big commercial real estate, barely getting by financially. And then he discovered he was doing wishful thinking, so he switched over to doing reality thinking. In less than one year, he made over $800,000 in brokerage fees. 4. The fourth strategy is arguing, reasoning, trying to talk her into feeling different or doing different. That never works. 5. The fifth strategy is recruiting others, trying to get others to side with us. That always boomerangs. 6. Acting depressed. Now, sometimes that might work temporarily through getting her to feel guilty or afraid of what we’re going to do. But it increases her motivation to get away from us. I had a man who attempted suicide twice before he heard about me and called me. He ended up in the hospital. I don’t even think she went to the hospital. But they’re back together and happy now. His acting depressed didn’t help very much. 7. Using the kids. That’s kind of like recruiting others. That always boomerangs. 8. Blaming and using moral pressure. One psychologist says, “The essense of mental disturbance can be put in one word: blaming.” Never works. It works negatively. 9. Pessimism. We become addicted to our pessimism. “I know I can’t win. You don’t know my wife. She’s very stubborn. She never changes her mind.” I say, “Never? About anything?” “Well, maybe about minor things, but not things this important.” I said, “Well, I think it’s about something this important is precisely what she has changed her mind about. She originally said she was going to stay with you and love you forever. And now, she can’t stand you. So obviously, she’s changed her mind. So obviously, she does change her mind.” But people fall in love with pessimism. That’s one of the strategies. 10. Exaggeration. One psychologist says, “The essense of mental disturbance can be put in one word: blaming.” I say the essense of mental disturbance can be put in one word: exaggerating. We exaggerate the good, and we exaggerate the bad. All of these strategies are very human. This list almost exhausts the strategies that people use. These strategies always backfire. Now, how are we going to win against the competition of other people and her negative feelings and our addiction to these strategies and our addiction to self-pity?

Thanks for the comments, I guess the one thing missing is the other half is not talking, I have always been open and honest. But she suppreses everything and won't talk or show love and affection.

I got this book and have been trying to follow these ideas, they seem to be much like what people recommend in these forums. Only problems I can't get past is...my wife wants me to help her with her resume and help her move stuff out of the house, I also have trouble helping her with money to get her own place. If anyone knows how to get past these? Now here are five elements, five ideas, five strategies, all under the heading of the jujitsu technique. 1. Stop pressuring, stop criticizing, stop complaining, stop whining. 2. Agree with anything your mate says or does. Put a good name on it. Agree with their negative feelings. You see, when the wife has a closed mind and is divorcing a husband, she is in love with her negative feelings. So she puts her negative feelings in charge of the door to her mind. And when you try to reason with her, you’re tellingher that her negative feelings are wrong. That causes her negative feelings to lock the door tighter. Agree with her negative feelings – whatever they are. “Yes, this relationship is hopeless.” “Yes, you will never be able to trust me. That’s exactly correct.” Do not defend yourself. Just agree, sound sincere, and shut up. 3. Act perfectly happy about everything as it is. The status quo – as it is. Act perfectly happy. Enjoy your space. Enjoy your freedom. Tell them that they are correct – that you all were getting too serious too fast – or whatever their interpretation is that they’ve given to you. Agree with it, and act happy about whatever it is that they want. 4. Date others. Make them jealous. Play hard-to-get. 5. Do everything instantly and happily, one hundred percent your mate’s way.

Yea, I think it's that last hope thing, kinda why I keep posting to the breaking up forum instead of the divorce forum.

Yeah, most of it is in this thread

Thanks, the shoe just dropped a little over 1 month ago, seems like such a short time to give up. guess that means i'm not ready, I think it was easier for her since she had been thinking about this for years

Ok, I understand the no contact thing. When would you stop wearing the wedding ring ? when the dumper takes thiers off?

Hootz, For a second there I thought I had wrote that, my wife has been very cold, acts like the end of 11 yr marriage doesn't even bother her, I'm starting to understand this is her way of coping and pushing me away. At least this is what i keep telling myself. I won't leave the house based on legal advice and Im just hoping she leaves the kids so I don't have to go through the pain of not seeing them everyday.