Eileen101

So I actually made more effort to try and get him to seek counseling and I also made some phone calls to friends and such to let them in on more of whats been going on and even talked about trying to do some type of intervention. I actually think that that is something that he would respond to.. I just think that if he saw some sincere care from his friends and family that he may actually take that step to getting the help he needs. Got any feed back on this? Or does that seem like a bad idea?? I don't want him to feel threatened by that. I guesse I am saying that I wouldn't want it to backfire. Someone tell me what they think, thanks, Eileen.

Well not now but I do remember a time when I felt that way myself and I dont know what that is about exactley but it is almost like there is a stigma attached to being too innocent. I think that a lot of guys tend to shy away from females that are more innocent than not for a lot of different reasons. number one, I think men feel a lot more accountable to a woman that is more innocent than they are, if they feel like they are a lot more experienced than you how will they feel if it doesn't work out? I think it makes them feel like they took advantage of a nice girl who just didn't have enough experience but....... on the other hand it may also be that a lot of different guys want a girl who is experienced enough to hold their own. It requires a lot less thought on their part. They don't have to constantly be thinking about what they are doing and whether or not it will have a major impact on the girl or not. Women would be surprised at how much men really do think about the way they interact with their mate. There are also guys who just feel like they are taking advantage of a girl who is really innocent. Just a few things to think about. Hope this help a little. E.

I am sure that you will do fine with your interviews and it will give you the boost that you need! Stay positive even if you don't feel that way and you will end up with what you want. Even if it is hard to feel like stuff counts without him in the picture there will be a time when you are really past all of this and you will look back and think "wow, how did I do that". A lot of people are not able to do what you are doing. Seriousely a lot of people fall apart when it comes to this kind of stuff in life. Only the strong survive and it will all pay off in the end. Take care, Eileen.

See that is the thing that amazes me. I think that there are so many more people that deal with this disorder that don't even know what they are actually dealing with. Finding answers and listening to others speak about how they are affected by the same thing is a great way to lift that huge feeling of burden. I actually talked to him for a long time on the phone tonight and I really tried to get him to be open to the idea of counseling. I told him that it was NOT for me and that I would support him through it as much as I possibly could. I really do think that he heard me even if he wasn't really trying to let it show. I told him that I would research it for him and give him the name of someone who could help him and that he deserved that chance. I just told him that if he tried it and it was NOT working that he didn't have to pursue it. I basically said what do you have to lose?? I really do think that he was somewhat open to it. I just need to find the right person to counsel him in our area. He didn't like who he was talking to before. I will look and see what I can come up with. The above posts help a great deal and I will keep posting on here to let everyone know how it is going. Thank you, so much. And Julianna I really like the way that you describe Narcisists. It gives it a whole different feeling instead of a hopeless bad feeling. I will check out some of these books as well. Thank you everyone, Eileen.

I agree with you about the term Narcisistic Supply, it really is a very cold term. And no he is not doing anything about his diagnosis. He was diagnosed and then he walked away. I think that he was really relieved to know that he actually has a real disorder and that he isn't just "crazy" but at the same time I think he has been really devastated by it. He has steadily gone down hill since then (about 2 half months ago) I know that he wants to get some help for it but he also knows that it would require a great deal of work and committment and he is definitley not one to committ himself to anything but work and making money. That is one of the reasons that I think that he would shirk at the idea of doing an in patient program. BUT.... I hadn't even thought of that and I think that that is a great idea. I am going to start mentioning that to him and see what type of response I get. I feel the exact same way about him picking out a date to do this (his birthday) because he is very much the type of person to fulfill any type of "thing" that he says he going to do. I keep trying to be as supportive as possible without over doing it or making an issue out of it. I have learned how to "deal" him in a rounded out way. I want him to know that he doesn't have fullfill anything just because he said he was going to. I am just wondering if there is anyway to do some type of intervention if I feel like I really need to?? I would appreciate any type of input you can give me on this. I am very grateful for the input everyone is giving me to date. Thank you so much, God Bless you all, Eileen. P.S. And for the wether or not he accepts that he is a Narcisist or not, yes I believe he does, He actually won't say either way but I can see and have seen a significant change in him since he was told that that was his disorder. He is just not dealing with it. Not at all.

I just wanted to add that I am also very aware that Narcisists are famouse for wanting to committ suicide and that they use that as a way to manipulate people so that they can get the Narcistic supply that they need but I am still concerned about him. He really has been quite depressed for some time now and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. In the past when he has gone through bouts of depression it hasn't lasted this long. Of course during the holidays he is or has always has been really down but this year it hasn't ended. I just want to know that he will come out of it. I am not putting him before me like I have done so much of in the past but I don't want him to do something stupid. I just wish he could get the help that he so desperately needs.

I know how hard this part it and I really do feel for you. When I did it I had really mixed emotions about it. I knew on the one hand that I was beginning the road to some sort of recovery and that I was finally free of the really bad situation of living with someone that was tearing me apart. I felt good about it but at the same time I knew that what I had with the person that I loved was gone forever. There is good and bad feelings that go with seperating from living with your ex. I really tried to focus on the fact that from the time that I started living on my own that I was going to start calling the shots in my life and that I wasn't at the mercy of living with a really unhealthy situation anymore. I just tried to milk my situation for everything positive that I could. Not to say that it wasn't extremely difficult still but I knew that the end was my new beginning. My special time in life as far as starting to develop a new identity and nurturing my living situation into a haven for me, just me. I didn't have to worry about someone elses needs on a daily basis anymore and I could truly focus on what I needed to get on daily basis. I stayed in contact with the person that I stopped living with but certian things still apply when it comes to no longer living with someone anymore. I think this is a time for you to explore who you are and what you really want for your future. Hang in there, you have already covered a huge milestone just by doing as much as you have done. Even if it wasn't what you wanted. Each day is another day that you are closer to being a little bit more ok with where you are.

Just curiouse? Why do you think you should just leave it alone?? Is she being pursued by a lot of guys? What kind of person is she? Does she know that she is "special" so to speak? In other words, is she really into herself? The only reason I would hesitate to pursue someone that everyone else was interested in is if I thought this person was totally in love with themselves. If shes not like that then you have just as much a chance at it as the next guy right? You may not know what could have been if you don't take a chance. Good luck, let us know how it goes.

That is some amazing advice, and I know that everything that you said in your post is 100% true. It is a trip to see how much he actually fits the profile of a Narcisist. It is creepy actually. I know that he has this disorder and that it is very real but I have been dealing with it for such a long time that I forget how much of a cookie cutter type he is for his disorder. I know that if I do it just right I can follow that type of game plan and be free of him/us for good. I think one of the main problems for me right now is it is never as simple as I would like it to be. This is something that I failed to mention in my earlier posts because I have a hard time even mentioning it. He has been talking about committing suicide now for like almost a month. I had mentioned in an earlier post that the better I do the worse he gets. When we were still living together he had me soooooo beat down on a daily basis that I wasn't able to work or do anything constructive outside of the home. I was able to take care of my kids and that was about it. He knew how much he was keeping me down and he loved it. That was one of the main reasons that I had to get out. Like I said I got up the courage to actually do that. I know that he thought that I would NEVER leave. NEVER!! He just had such an arrogance about that whole part of our situation that when I actually packed all my stuff and put it into storage he was beyond floored. I had wanted to get out for such a long time but I had no other options and he knew that. When it finally worked out that I could get a place of my own he was devastated. And at this point it wasn't even a victory for me so to speak as much as it was a seriouse lifeline that something actually panned out for me and the kids. We desperately needed to be out of that environment. So slowly I have tried to pick up the pieces of what I call my life and start over for the kids and I in a lot of different ways. It has taken me almost 6 months to get to a normal level of living. But the gnarly part like I said before is the better I do the more he falls apart. And yes he has actually been talking about committing suicide for almost a month now. I do and don't believe him. I don't know what to think anymore. I am afraid to totally turn my back on him for obviouse reasons. I am so confused anymore I don't know what to think, and I am so sick of feeling manipulated by his disorder and being taken advantage of that I am numb half the time and really depressed the other. I know there is a good amount of information on the internet on his disorder and I have researched it at length but I still feel like there is so much more that I don't know and I know that knowledge is something that will help me to deal with all of this in a more clear headed way. When we first found out that he has NPD it was like being set free from like 10,000 demons torturing you daily. Your last post was so dead on that it was amazing to read and feel like I am getting feed back from people who are aware of what a twisted disorder this is. I appreciate every line of advice, I really really do. I really don't know what to think about the threats he keeps making about killing himself. HIs birthday is on Feb. 6th and he keeps saying that he is going to do this on his birthday. I keep telling him to stop saying stuff like that and that he isn't seriouse but I am really starting to wonder. I don't know who to talk to about it either. I don't know if that is something I should be doing or not. I am on edge all the time though because I don't want to talk to him most of the time but if I don't talk to him or we don't make contact with eachother from him or me I start to wonder if he did something stupid. And worst of all, as much of a tortured soul that he is, some times I think that the only peace he will ever have in this life is after he is not on this earth anymore. I just wish that God would do something for him, me, our kids, all of it. Something has to give somewhere. Please keep posting advice. I really need it, more than anyone knows. Eileen.

Stormie, I know exactley how you feel. I have gone through all those feelings myself. Every single one of them. I know how much it sucks to feel like everyone else in your situation is on top of the world and you are at the very bottom. But one of the things that we have to remember is that we only feel that way if we let them do that to us. If we give them that then we are letting them win. The grass seems so much greener on the other side right now because it is where you think you want to be but it is things like this that are never quite what they seem. Especially in a situation like thiers.It seems like it is all rosy and peachy but......It is all built on a lie and nothing concrete or solid could ever come of a situation like theirs. Believe me I know cuz I have been through this type of a situation before. Long story. They will always have to be under a cloud of suspicion and there will never be a good, clean feeling to what they have. Never. It is very tainted Stormie and always will be. Just remember that and know that people like that always get thiers, like you said....Karma, karma,karma It will just take time for that to unfold, but when it does it will be such a good day for you, so just hang in there and remember that cuz mark my words, that time will come, Have a better day, Eileen.

Well another day of being in a bad place and not knowing what to do with my situation. I actually talked to him and i told him that I am going to start looking for a boyfriend. I don't know what good that did. I feel like I am in a box only big enough to contain my body and there is no way out. Julianna was right, it isn't the same with someone who is a Narcisist because they don't take no for an answer. It is almost as is I dont exist except to be unable to control where I am at. I have been trying to be free of this for 7 yrs and it hasn't materialized yet. If I would have know what I was getting myelf into when I first met this person I would have ran for my dear life. I know I sound pathetic but until you have been involved with someone like him and have gone through what I have gone through then you cant even imagine what it is really like. All I can do is continue trying to make a dent in my situation with him. Wish me luck. E.

Hey Stormie~~ I really liked your post and I said some stuff for you on there and I really appreciate your support as well. I know you will do fine. You sound so much better already, really. I think it is the first two to three weeks that are the most difficult and you have done that already. It really has been a pretty clean break. As opposed to mine. Sooo messy. UP, Down and back agian and I would give anything just to have a normal guy and a normal break up. Narcisists are gnarly people and they really take everything in life to the hilt and make sure that they are Drama kings like Juliana said. But enough of that for now. YOU are doing GREAT!! Post back soon and let me know how you are, God Bless you as well, Eileen.

The hard part with something like this is that the way someone really feels (you) didn't come out until she was gone. I have to ask you were you really comfortable with her and did you think that she would never leave you? And when she did, did you think that it was just a stint to make you chase after her. Because to be totally honest with you if I was her, this is what I would be feeling: Now that you see me with someone else and someone is giving me the love and affection that I really needed, you are upset about that and it is only because of that that you want to get back together. Why didn't you speak up sooner? I don't want to bombard you or be negative in anyway, just honest. I think if you show her that she really is important to you and make a way to be very sincere with her, talk with her very honestly from time to time, she will eventually think of giving you another chance. I know it must be hard to feel like that is totally gone. If she is unable to give you that and really just needs space make sure that you give it to her, she will have an immense amount of respect for that and it will put you in a better light in her eyes. Good luck, take care. E.

Wow that was two great posts just since last night. Well, he called me last night and I was out of it, half asleep and I didn't think, I answered the phone. It was a weird conversation. He basically asked me if I was done being a and I said what are you talking about? Im not the one being a jerk you are. We talked for a short while and I ended up really telling him off. The weird part about it was he just ended up sitting there quietly and taking it. I really let him have it and finally he said well now that you have convinced me and the whole neighborhood of how you feel im going to bed and I said yeah, whatever, goodnight and I hung up on him. I will not call him still and if he calls me I am just going to act like I am a dead person on the other end of the phone. Yes it is extremely difficult to be involved with a Narcisist and I do feel like I have been hit by 5 buses. I just want it to stop. I can't take anymore. I am so drained that I feel like I am physically ready to keel over. I know that he is everything that Julianna wrote about in her last post to me. I have felt and gone through every bit of that and it is unreal to have someone acknowledge all that behavior and that it is real and that I have been going through it all for the last 7 yrs. The hardest part of it all too is just like she said. When I do finally leave him it really wont matter to him at all because he isn't capable of really loving someone, I will be replaced and In his mind and everyone that he comes into contact with, he will say that it was all my fault. I just want to be around a non Narcisistic person so bad that it is killing me. I see other people receive love and have a normal relationship and it is so forieghn to me now that I don't know if I will ever heal from this and be able to engage in a "normal" set up. I have to find a way out of this. Thank you so much for all your support. With your guys's support I will make it out of this cuz you are all making me so aware of how normal I am and how abnormal he is and that is just what I have needed. Thank you. Stormie thank you for the words of encouragement. And all the great ideas. I will definitely try some ot them out. I know in your situation regardless of whether or not he is trying to let it be known, he really does miss you and will continue to miss you and when it becomes overwhelming and he realizes what he really gave up he will definitely want a second chance with you and it will be too late. He will always have to live with the reality of what he did to you and that you were strong enough to bear it and that you can and did make it without him. That has to be hard for him regardless of how he may act. Keep being strong and show him that life does go on without him. And in a good way, like the other people had said, the best revenge is living well. I will check in with every one later! E.

Just wanted to say goodnight to everyone and also say thank you for all the positive posts and support. I know I have a corner of the world that is there now that I didn't have before. Post with u all later, Eileen.

You are in the beginning of what seems like a free pass to hell, I know cuz I repeatedly go through this with my x that has Narcisistic Personality disorder. But just try to think of it this way, I have been seeing the jerk that has been making my life hell for SEVEN yrs. I could beat myself silly for doing that!! IF I could of gotten out at four months I would be in such a different place right now. So that is definitley a positive note. Just one way of looking at it, not to say that you are not valid in the way you feel cuz you are, just be glad that you are not ultra attached to this person. Good luck to you, hang in there. Eileen.

Wow that is awsome!! Julianna, you are the first person ever to acknowledge what NPD is!! To me that is of course, whenever i talk to anyone else about it they look at me like I am from mars. You are very accurate in your post. That is soosooo how he is. And yes they are very jelouse. You are very right about that and I will try that if I need to. If I have to come into contact with him I will make sure that it is the most uneventful time he has had with me. Bore him to tears so to speak. The less entertaining I am the more detached he will be, since he always needs and expects to be entertained because he is a God in his mind. But why do you think NC wont work? I know why but then I don't. I know that I have tried it many times in the past and it hasn't worked. He refuses to let me call the shots in any way. DO u have any experience with NPD? Would be happy to hear any thing you have on that. Eileen.

It sounds to me like she is exploring seeing other people, whether she will admitt to it or not. She IS young. I know that even though the rational side of our minds tells us not to be bothered by what we know as the most common sense thing, it is still really hard to accept what hurts our heart. This sounds to me like a typical coming of age (young adult) that is ready to have new experiences. It does not neccesarily mean that she no longer loves you or wants to hurt you it just means that she is trying to find a path in life that is conducive to her growing and maturing as a person. Unless you find out otherwise, say she is involved with somone else full bore, which I doubt, then her personal growth seems to be her priorty right now. The NC will help you to feel a sense of control. I am doing it myself right now and I know how hard it is. Hang in there, u can do it. Good luck,E.

All really healthy advice. Fortunately I don't have to worry about having a place to go. We lived together for 2yrs and when I finally decided that I had had enough I got a place. It took a while to get in there and start my own home over again but I did. I am proud of myself for at least doing that much because that was extremely difficult as well. But..... I am still going through what is the actual seperation on a regular basis by not being able to totally cease all contact. He has been really physical with me more than once. That hasn't been the case in the last 6-8 weeks but I am have been dealing with a lot of emotional abuse lately. I went to his Job yesterday and said that I couldn't do it anymore and I gave him the cell phone he was helping me with. That way there was no reason for him to feel like he was tied to me in anyway. That was very difficult and it hurt a lot. I have done this so many times though I know that he thinks I am full of crap. He was even kind of laughing as I left. I know that that is my fault. Why would I expect him to take me seriously?? I have said and done this so many times I know that it sounds like an empty threat to him. A part of me does do this to make him hurt the way he hurts me but at the same time I really do want it to end. I want a chance at a normal life and to be able to give my children what they deserve and I know that none of that will ever happen with him in the picture. I just started a new job at my local college and enrolled in some classes. I really needed that to feel a purpose in life and he never not once said a positive word of encouragement. If anything he got really depressed and started to fall apart. The better I did the worse he got. All part of his NPD. I am so tired of everything having to be about him. But I do know this. He will not be take rejection litely. He never does. If he cant physically make me pay he will do whatever it takes to make me feel a great deal of hurt and sorrow for making the choice to no longer be involved with him. That is the part that I know that I have to prepare myself for. I know its coming. It is just a matter of time. I just have to continually remind myself that he is sick, and that if it wasn't me that he was or is doing this to that it would be some other poor smuck. I was ok for most of the day today and then I had a seriouse episode of crying my eyes out. Just like other people on here have said one of the hardest parts in knowing and accepting that your best friend is gone. Even though he can be really abusive there were a lot of good times as well and that is the part that keeps me going back. That and my fear of abandonment. I seriousely am going to just keep coming back here though when I feel like cracking!! Thank you everyone for keeping me going today. One day at a time, one small step at a time.

I still love him, as you do your ex, (and probably always will)... there is no on and off switch... but it will get easier with time to let him go, as you must for your kids sake, and your own too. What you said right there is the hardest part for me really, I want to be able to just turn off my feelings and never look back and I know that is never going to happen. But I know that no matter how hard it is I HAVE TO LET HIM GO> I cannot keep repeating this pattern. I will never find any peace in life and my childrens lives and happiness is being compromised everyday by letting myself take the abuse. The saying " treat yourself with love and respect and others will follow" really hit home today. I am really starting to think about that concept. How can I expect him to respect me as a person even much less in a relationship when I don't care for myself no where near how I should. I know a lot of these things and I tend to ignore them so that I can overlook what is right in front of my face. I deserve more I know I do. I will keep telling myself all of these things as much as possible until I can really reach a place that is strength bearing. I will make it without him. Or I'll die tryin'.

I totally know what you mean about not being able to accept the fact that some other person is in your space and is living what seems to be or what should be your life. My x and I just stopped living together last september but we continued to see eachother. But I have had this awful fear the entire time since I moved out that he is going to hook up with some bimbo and she is going to move in with him. And all along I know that it is inevitible. I know it is coming because he is the type that CANNOT live alone. So........ yes I totally understand that because I know that when I get word that a girlfriend has moved in with him I am going to be devastated. BUT>>> We need to remember one thing, an important thing, even if these people are not hurting like we are right now and they seem to be getting away with a light dose of Pain, that time will come for them also. It always does. No one escapes what they place on somone else, No one. Hang in there cuz that thought is what they are not considering right now.

I love this support, because I have not had something to hold on to before now, and there is so much that I don't tell other people. I keep a lot of it to myself because I know that most people either don't understand or they have heard enough. Hope, you are very on point about me needing to get my kids away from him because he is so manipulative and abusive. I have already had some really close calls with him and I have known for some time that I am subjecting myself to a danger that I can't afford. My kids mean the world to me but they are paying for my choices everyday when I am pre occupied with someone who is so evil. He has always had this awful hold on me and I know that they only way that is going to change is if I stop all contact with him. I am very inspired by all that I have read today and I will continue to post on here and I will not have any further contact with him. IF others can do it so can I. If he calls me or comes by I will not answer the phone or the door. And when I feel weak I will spill it on here. THANK YOU

Stormie~~~ I have to tell you that I was having such a difficult time today until I read your posts from beginning to end. I know that I have more tough days ahead of me but...... you are a huge inspiration to me just knowing that someone else out there has so many of the same feelings and that we really are not alone. You have no idea how strong you really are, none. Because of the pain that you are experiencing right now it doesn't seem like you are strong but girl you are very strong just for maintaining the NC that you have day after day after day!! I have not been able to come even close to that and I really am inspired by the way you are doing that even if it is extremely tough! You make me want to do the same. I know that these men are no good and they don't deserve to have people like us be good to them, really! Who knows how much stuff there is that you don't even know about?? In the end obviously the guy decided not to put up a front anymore and just let it all hang out!! No one changes that quick, it was there all a long, he just made sure you didn't see it before then. Keep doing what you are doing, your amazing and you will be in such better place xxx months or days from now, that time will come. I know it will

You are absolutely right and that is the stuff that I keep telling myself but for some reason I continue to take abuse from this person when I know it is damaging me and my kids as well. I know that if anything I really need to make that change if not for me then for them. I know what needs to be done and the rational side of my mind tells me this everyday, I just keep overlooking that when it comes to really following through. This time I have been telling myself not to look to far into the future and to just give myself a healthy break away from him. At least 6 weeks. I am going to try to stick to that with every fiber of my being. I just know that all of my family and friends are sick of hearing the same crap from me and it never materializes. I don't have any dignity left at this point and I know that for me to ever rebuild my life I need to finally understand that my situation with him is never going to be ok. I have to resolve that there will be no reslove?! I am a fixer and I hate to accept that some things cannot be fixed. I know I deserve better so I am going to keep telling myself ever minute of the day that I can't go back this time. Thanks for the support, E.

I have been involved with the same person for 7 years. He is reeeeeeaaaaaalllllllllllllllllllllly abusive. Of course over time it has gotten worse, I keep hoping that it will change. He actually has a personality disorder. NPD,(Narcisistic Personality Disorder) he is aware that he has this disorder but will not do anything about it and I have dealt with it for a very long time. I keep breaking it off but I keep going back. I know that I have issues as well or I would not continue to be with someone who treats me so badly but I don't know how to finally stop all contact. For example today I am fine and I know that I won't try to see him or talk to him but tomorrow it could be totally different. I end up having an over whelming feeling of loss and I end up making contact with him or I cant say no when he contacts me. We were never married but we have two children together also. I just want to change my life and get back to a tunnel with some light at the end of it. I am so tired of being sad and empty from being with someone who is so very hurtful. I know that he does a lot of the stuff intentionally TO hurt me and for some reason I tolerate a lot of it and I DONT KNOW WHY> I really need to find some earth shattering advice so that I can make this time stick!! I want to get on with my life without him in it. Someone tell me something!!