tray_acct

Hi, I just wanted to write something about my inner feelings about not having a father and the importance of a father. I believe that just by typing it, I may feel better. Where do I start... my mother and I moved to Canada when I was 1 year old right after they were divorced and I never went back to my country. I am 25 years old and I never spoke nor met my father. All I know is that he has re-married and has 3 kids. My mother has never re-married and is single and alone. She used to date this guy whom I never liked and he lived with us for about 15 years and left her for religious purposes, or so he says. I never like him anyways because he used to lie to her and I felt that whenever I had an argument with him, my mother used to take his side and not mines. I resent her for that so much, he made me so angry and my relationship with my mother was never the same after my teenage years. I barely spoke to her at all. Just had basic conversations and that's it. I haven't felt close to her all these years. I do not have any brothers or sisters so I really had no one to talk to when I was growing up. I felt like my anger was building and I was very unhappy living in my household. I have a lot of cousins, but they are all much younger than me so I didn't have anyone to connect with. I envy them so so much because during family gatherings, I see how their fathers love them and talk to them and do father things with them and I always craved that kind of love and support all my life. I had to learn everything all by myself, I had to learn French, no one helped me with my homework, had to learn all the things that a father teaches a son. My mother tried to help when I was very young, but since she dated that guy, she was never close to me ever since. We do not communicate like other sons and mothers do. But all I know is that when I do have kids, I will give them so much attention and love because I love kids. I will not have them feel the emptiness I felt all these years. I will give them my heart. I do not know what a normal parent-child relationship should be. I understand that there are a lot of people who do not have a father/mother figure in their lives or both, but I feel that it is so important for parents out there to communicate and show their sons and daughters that they love them each and every day. My mother does not know how I felt and how I feel at all because we do not talk about our feelings. That's our relationship and it hurts so much. My ex-girlfriends used to tell me that how come we do not talk. I told her that it has always been that way and that we do not have a normal relationship like others do. She asked why don't I initiate and change it, but this I cannot do because I do not know how and I'm not sure if I really want to at this point. I've made it by myself all these years and I plan to continue this way. People at work find me to be the nicest guy around, well brought up, well raised, they say. When I tell them that I only have a mother, they say that she did a really good job, and I think to myself: did she really? They even go as far as saying that they wish that their kids can grow up to be like me, obtain my character traits, personality and charm. It is flattering to hear, but sometimes I with I could go back in time and be born in a normal family with both my mother and father's love and support. Ok I will stop now, writing this has helped me vent my anger and I thank you. Please love your kids like there's no tomorrow, this is something that they will cherish for a lifetime. Hopefully one day, I will have an opportunity to do the same.

Maybe because they are so nervous about the first date and all, worried about trying to impress you that a minor thing like where did I park my car became so insignificant.

Do something that is new to her or that you both haven't done yet. This will create a new experience for you both. I don't know, go skating, bowling, etc... think of something you both haven't done together and surprise her...

I want to thank you all tremedously from the bottom of my broken heart. You have no idea how much you have helped me. I will continue to work towards what is good for ME and we'll see from there. I have realized that my life has not ended. I'm trying to make new friends and call back my old ones. It's hard, but I'll get there. Update: I just saw my ex today and we talked for about 2 hours over coffee. I know that is not recommended, but I will continue to see her periodically, as a friend. Whatever I said in my first post was a little biased and I just wanted to let you all know that I'm not perfect either and she explained to me why she decided to end it and I fully understand now. Long story short: it was love at first site for me, it was not for her. She tried and gave herself 8 years to really connect with me, but it didn't happen. She had realized this 5 years into the relationship, but didn't tell me because she didn't want to hurt my feelings (knowing that I was madly in love with her), but at the end, she had no choice because she was unhappy and told me that I would be unhappy and miserable as well to know that she doesn't feel the same way about me as I do about her... especially after marriage. She said that it wasn't fair for me and that I deserved much better, someone who would love me as much if not more. She doesn't have anyone else and doesn't know what the future holds for her, but she feel that it is the right move for both of us. I shouldn't have portrayed her as a manipulative girl, because she is not. It wasn't my intention either, it was just how the words came out, crying for help. She did as much for me as I did for her, but her love for me diminished over the years. That is something that I cannot control and I have to accept it and move on. She does have a really good heart and there aren't too many people like that these days. She was always faithful in all sense of the word and we shared 8 memorable years that I will always cherish. So I ended my telling her that I will pray for us to be together, happily together, in our next lives and all lives after that whether we are humans, or another species, in any form. Thanks again for listening to my life story and all your comments have touched my heart in ways you cannot imagine. I could't have imagined that this forum and you special human beings could have lifted my spirits so very high. I love you all and would hug all of you if I can. I am grateful. Thank you.

I'm in my mid 20s and I am really confused now. I feel that I have no purpose anymore and sometimes I feel to take my own life, I feel suicidal. Here's my story. I was dating my girlfriend for almost 8 years. We met in high school and we were always together and I loved her so very much. We've spent so much time together and ignored everyone else that we both lost contact with all of our friends. I have always treated her well and we were both faithful, never cheated on each other. I worked really hard, I am now working full time, didn't choose to go to university, bought a car for OUR convenience, and always tried my best to pay for everything because I wanted to take care of her even though I wasn't making that much. I also bought a house for my mother and I because we did not want to rent anymore. Now I find myself in debt by 20K, but I personally believe that this is fixable. She left me 1 month ago saying that love is not everything and that she didn't love me like she used to. She told me that I don't have any friends. She told me that I am not financially secure and my personality is not outgoing enough. Well, I believe that I lost my friends because of our relationship and I'm not yet financially secure because I spent most of my earnings on her. She said that I needed to work harder in life. I don't have a father, my mom's is not making that much, yet I bought a car and a house. I'm still young, I feel that I have accomplished so much, but yet, it's just not enough in her eyes and that hurts me so so much. I love her so much, but she says that love is not enough and her words broke my heart in a million pieces. She says that I don't have enough money for marriage and to purchase a new home for us. I told her that I will sacrifice and we will get there. But she didn't think so. I don't want anyone else but her. I want to spend the rest of my life with her and she means everything to me. I wanted us to grow old together happily ever after. She has a heart of gold and she is a great girl. God, it's so hard being a guy, I feel so much pressure. She wants me to join the gym, be very attractive, and be outgoing (it's very hard for me because I'm very shy, but I do put an honest effort), be entertaining in public (dinners), be financially secure, etc... but she doesn't understand that she has faults too, but no one is perfect and that I am in love with her regardless and I am always willing to try to make her life better. I love her more than I love myself. I don't' know if it's because she resents me for not dating anyone else. She is currently in University and says that I should go back to school. Now I have a mortgage to pay, a car loan to pay, have to work full-time, but I still gave in and I am now going to University part-time to please her. I am also going to join the gym and wake up at 5am every morning to work out and look attractive for her. But it seems that everything I do is not enough, and I feel so much pressure and overwhelmed, I feel like death would be much easier. I am also reading books on how to not be shy and be outgoing. I am trying, but she says that all this is too little too late. I want to marry her in the next 3 years and I am trying to get rid of my debt. I know that there are a lot of single girls out there, but I am not interested as I want her to be the mother of my children. She's the only one that I've slept with and I'm so very proud of that. I'm the only one she's slept with as well. She told me not to call her anymore and that she doesn't think that things will work out because she wants to marry and settle down very very soon and she is confused as well. She is not sure if I'm the right one because she hasn't dated anyone else and that I am not ready to marry because of lack of money. I am not confused, know what I want, but can't do it because I'm not financially there yet. I felt like I have accomplished so much in my life, I'm still young, yet, I feel like a complete failure in her eyes and her thoughts are all that matter to me. I apologize for writing so much. We haven't spoken to each other in a week now and she told me it's over. What should I do? Should I workout, look nice for her, go to school and get a degree, try to get a promotion in my job and make more money, be more outgoing, save up for a marriage and a new home first and then show her that I'm the one for her. That's will take at least 4 years, but I'm willing to do it because I love her, even though there's a big chance that she might find someone else. I love her so much that I'm willing to work hard, let her date other guys and when I'm ready, get her back. What a stupid plan, huh? I can't think rationally anymore. She wants me to be her dream guy and I'm trying to be, but there is so much pressure that I can't take it anymore. I am scared to death of failure and rejection. I am shy so everyday is a struggle for me, being in public, going to work, going to school. She doesn't understand that. But I do my best, try to talk, get into conversations in public, yet I'm not outgoing enough. She says that I don't talk to her, communicate to her very much. The problem is that I know her so well that sometimes I don't know what to talk about. We haven't spoken in a week. She told me that it's over, but she wants to be friends. I feel that I have no purpose anymore and that my life is going nowhere. I have no friends. I have no goals. I feel so empty without her intimacy. I am very emotional so that doesn't help at all. I look in the mirror and I think to myself that if there was an "off" button somewhere to end my life, I would press it now. I can't bear being away from her, she is my life and my life revolved around her only. I am confused, I am worthless, I want to die and end the misery. God, why is life so cruel? Why is life so unforgiving? What is the purpose? If I would win the lottery, I would give her everything because her happiness is what pleases me. Why doesn't she love me anymore? I tried my best for 8 years, but I have failed. I am a failure. Why do I even exist? I hate life. I want to die.