Fallback guy

I can relate,im 37,never been married and no children.I know thoughts of will i ever meet someone again or will i die lonely cross my mind as well,and yes it dumbfounds me how easy some folks can move on like it meant nothing to them. I believe in a higher power and that something good is around the corner for both you and everyone here going thru this pain,meanwhile try and focus( I know easy to say and hard to do) on your PhD and remember that there is someone out there waiting for you to love them the way you want to be loved.

Thank you all for your support and kind words,i really needed them. Rainz,yes they were in contact before we split up as he was with me...he was like family to me so much so that we all three got the same tattoo the last time he was here so we would all have something to carry with us the rest of our lives and look back on fond memories.But now it has become a painfull reminder badge for me. Yes i cant help but wonder how long this was going on behind my back and i seen and felt the red flags before she needed space,all the while i was confiding in him my hurt and pain which im sure he used to his advantage.He told me dont worry bro i will be here if you need to talk!.Then he stopped responding to my e-mails and calls. Yes i have had thoughts of suicide but i need to be strong and it would only make matters worse for my elderly sick mother whom im takeing care of as well as working a full time job,its the cowards way out,but those dark thoughts linger. I guess i should have expected it not to last between me and her due to her haveing her first child then ditching the father and haveing 3 more children and her decideing to ditch thier father as well and me feeling as if i was her fallback guy after that. I wonder now about her ex-husbands side of the story and what he would have to say about thier relationship and just how much of it she made up about him. Fallback guy reunion tour coming to a stadium near you soon

I guess this is sort of an update/vent post,I havent posted in awhile but i read the site on a regular basis.The feelings im haveing today are overwhelming after picking up the newspaper and seeing thier marriage license in it today.It's been 5 months since she told me she needed space but didnt want me to wait forever. My best friend who i will call B was like a little brother to me even though he lived a world away and came to visit me a couple times,i cant help but think that if he never had come to visit he would never have met the ex and this would not be happening.The hurt and betrayal of him choosing to end our friendship to be with her is something i will never be able to get over or forgive as well as her doing this and feeling that she has done nothing wrong. I havent talked to either one of them and this whole thing they have kept from me but i found out thru other sources whom told me without me asking.She left me at a very hard time in my life and she knew it,i work 40 hours a week and was taking care of my elderly parents. My brother has a heart attack,my father passed away in october and my mother has triple bypass surgery a week after my father passed away.I did have a friend that would come over and watch movies from time to time but she passed away christmas eve from cancer that we all thought was in remission and my only other best friend passed away 2 years ago from cancer. So im trying to get thru day by day and im really pissed and shocked that she moved on in 5 months after 5 years,wish i could do that. I really dont think B knows what he's getting into he's 23 and could never hold a job down where he lived in Austrailia and whats the deal? dont they have women down under?.She's 34 with 4 kids and he's never even dated a women that has children. Somedays im ok with being single and some im not,its nice to come home and pop in an old black and white version of Arsenic and Old Lace or The Ghost Breakers with Bob Hope and chill. I remember a post here and the Phrase "I'll never get over it but i will get thru it" and thats what im trying to do these days and hopeing i will find that someone special that will not blame me for eveything and love me for who i am and work on a relationship when the times get hard. Anyway im just pissed at the moment and i got to go to work. Hang in there everyone.

My father passed away Oct 23 and now im just overwhelmed with everything that has happened in my life in the past three months,I lost two people that i loved with all my heart and soul,my father and the women i deeply loved.I was hopeing that i could tell him one more time that i loved him and the last time i did tell him while he was in the hospital he looked at me while smiling and said " Yeah,I kinda like you to".He was always a joker . I feel like im being punished,tourtured and my will and sanity put to a test,i look at the rest of my family and they all have someone there for them and to share thier life with,so whats so wrong with me that i cant have that.My mother and father were married 40 years and although it wasnt always a walk in the park for them they stayed together thru the good and the bad times. Yes,i miss my ex and i wish she were here to comfort me and tell me everything is going to be alright but after hearing her say things like "that's just F...... retardated" when my brother had a heart attack and was haveing a hard time quiting smokeing" her being an ex smoker herself" and i told her i thought that was insensitive " You say that im insensitive,well thats just the way i am",when my father was gettin worse her saying "I just cant deal with your family problems". I doubt that she would even care and always had negative things to say about my family,i dont know why im still longing for her..i know its not healthy...but that dosent change that fact that i still love her.If the roles were reversed and i was the dumper i would have at least sent a card to the family. I'm panicked at the moment,the viewing is tonight and the funeral on friday,i dont know if im ready for this and i hope she dosent show up because i dont feel that would help me at all.I miss my father and im trying to keep my thoughts on that he's no longer in any pain and in a better place right now and someday i will see him again. until then i need to be strong for my mother and continue takeing care of her because shes not handleing this very well and is in ill health as well.I'm sorry for the long post but i just needed to try and get some things off my mind.

Yes your right about looking after myself but i find that i'm haveing a hard time moving on after 4 1/2 years with her and still haveing deep feelings for her,i hope in time that will fade and someone wonderfull will come into my life and share true unending love with me.

Monday i really tried to resist the urge to call her after about a month and a week of NC,i dialed her number several times and hit cancel then i just broke down and did it.I didnt bring up the relationship and just asked how her and her kids were doing because i still miss her and the kids,she had no problem talking about what she has been up too but didnt really ask anything about me which is the kind of person she has become. Later that evening i found out from someone that my best friend from Australia who i opened my home to when he came to visit me so he would not have to spend the money on a hotel has spilled his heart out to her and is coming up in Jan to be with her in a romantic way and they are trying to keep it a secret from me which answers why he hasnt responed to any of my e-mails when he said he would be there for me anytime i needed to talk,he was like a little brother to me. I feel so hurt and betrayed right now by both of them and he knows i still care deeply for her to top this all off they have givein my Father at best 6 months to live and they had to take him by ambulance from the nursing home tonight and he's in icu again. I cried and was wishing we will still together because i really needed her support but i doubt she would even care.

I have taken time to see her side of the story and i still do it every wakeing moment of the day and night,i'm only trying to get thru this and thought i could find help here.i didnt say i never went out to her house

How someone can take 4 1/2 years and flush them down the drain and act like it dosent even bother them in the least and why now is everything all my fault?,is it so she can feel better about breaking it off?.So i wonder everyday what she is doing or if she is actually seeing someone even though she has told me several times that shes not but then tells me she dosent know when she will decide if the space she wants is to be permanent. Then turns around and tells me that its not right of her to make me wait forever and that when i had broke it off with her before how was she to know when i would decide to give us another chance.How come when i tired to tell her just before we broke up that all i wanted was some affection like kissing me first or taking my hand instead of me doing it first,too feel like i was loved by these simple actions that she chose to argue about it. I admit i was not the perfect boyfriend but i never cheated on her and never abused her in anyway,the thing i didnt do was go out to her house that often due to me working nights and haveing elderly sick parents so i could not go to alot of functions she and her kids had or a concert she wanted me to take off work for.But thats all in the past and i cant change any of it i know but if i had one wish i would just to have her back in my arms like it used to be.My full story is here if anyone cares to read it

Enivel that's hittin it right on the bullseye for me(minus fooling around) and i keep breaking NC..it's just so fuggin hard to do but im trying.

Another thing i was thinking about is the fact that the PC game we both play we are on the same server and in the same guild where she is also the guild leader and mabey i should quit her guild and move to another or transfer to a different server because she will try and talk to me and that just makes it harder for me to deal with all this. It would be hard to leave the many friends i have made and transfer to a different server but i just fall apart everytime she talks to me.I was talking to her about the cost of the lawyer and how the lawyer was very rude thruout the consultation and when i asked if we could be billed or would she prefer payment now and of course she wanted payment now which i paid.Her response to this instead of being sympathetic was" Well how would you feel if someone with X amount of debt is asking to be billed". Im going to make a doctor appointment today,i just dont think i can handle the void im falling deeper and deeper into day by day.

Well i did it and called her but i didnt mention the realtionship and filled her in on what was going on.I have mixed feelings about what i did by calling her and wanted so bad to say i love you at the end of the conversation but i didnt and she didnt.So i'm back to square one with NC,i really thought i could do this and its not my first heartbreak i had to get over.But im getting older now and feel like i will never find anyone ever again. She was the one and only i had planned on asking to marry me and i felt a soulmate kind of connection with her but then she changed her mind about our relationship and wants time to be by herself so she said and work on some issues she has.

Well i have been haveing a rough go of it past couple of days but i have not contacted her,but i did log into World Of Warcraft today when she was on and she sent me a private message and wanted to know how the visit with the lawyer went because me and my brother are trying to make sure that when my father passes away that our mother will not lose the house in probate and be able to live out the rest of her life at home instead of a nurseing home. I did not respond to her and logged off,she once said in out last conversation online before i went NC "Ok,and when you shut me out and treat me like I am dirty or whatever or not worth talking to or a stranger or whatever,that pushes me the other way". I want to call her or log back on and tell her because what she said keeps crossing my mind "that pushes me the other way" and im gettin weaker by the moment.Would someone please advise me asap

Thank you for your kind words Stolenshadow,it helps take the edge off of her makeing me think everything is my fault.

Sorry all for the long post, i guess i know what i need to do and im not thinking straight.It just hurts

Well first off pardon my grammer but here goes my story.I met Nikole 4 years ago and she was 6 months out of a divorce with 4 children and i knew this going into the relationship.We got along great and had almost everything in common including an online game called World of Warcraft(hard to find a gal interested in video games),I broke up with her back in Nov because it became a realtionship over the phone even though she lives 20 mins away.She just didnt seem to want to come over anymore and i didnt get out to her house much over these past 4 years,after 2 months i started haveing dreams that something bad happened to her and relized i truly was in love with her and called her to ask if she wanted to work things out. She and i both cried and she told me she was sorry for trying to change me and force me to come out to her house more buy being just a voice over the phone.I have sick parents that i take care of which she claims needs to be put in a nurseing home but i cant afford that.So things were going fine until about 2 months ago and she started acting funny again,things like not picking up the phone when i called and not coming by to even see me when she was in town for collage or lunch with friends which she used to do. So we argued alot and i talked about my feelings and how there was no intimacy in our relationship anymore and that even coming by to see me would mean alot,i would hear things like "Well i didnt know if you were asleep or not",at one point when i was talking about how i felt she said"Your feelings Blah Blah Blah".I was shocked she said this and thought this is not the person i met and told her that was very insensitve and in a later argument she spouted off" You say im insensitve,well thats just the way i am" again not the person i met at all. So i started to think mabey someone else is involved in this problem and i asked her several times to which she always answered "no" and it just kept eating at me and asking her again made her angry.Now she wants time to sort thru some issues she is haveing so she says and claimed i took two months when i broke up with her and to back off and quit asking her back.Then we talked and we again both cried and i asked if we could try to work things out and she said"Can we just go slow" which i was fine with but when i called her the next day she acted like i was bothering her and said i called 3 times in a 24 hour period which was too much for her. Ok so i back off calling and a week later she calls me at work on my cell and makes small talk then starts talking about the game we play and how upset she was at me for takeing sides with someone else in the game on another issue to which my response was...It's just a game...so i ask her if this is why she called and she replyed with"Well Mostly".I was heart broken but i kept my cool.A week later she starts talking to me online in game and wants to know why i was not on for a game event.I told her i was out with some friends and left it at that,then the drama started"Ok,so like i dont know who your friends are" and why wont you answer me about who you were out with.Then i got "fine,i see how it is,none of my business,guess i wasnt that hard to get over huh?". At this point i really didnt know what to say but ended up telling her who i was out with and that i was not seeing anyone.I told her im gettin mixed signals her,you want me to give you space but you want me to still talk to you.Her reply was "I need to talk to you to work thru some of these issues like if we still have anything in common,if we can have a disagreement without blowing up at each other and empowerment="her version=her being able to say things to me without me getting mad which usually is about what i should do with my parents. So its been a week now and i havent talked to her and i havent been online so she can't talk to me that way but"i know you all want to smak me about now" I miss her so much and i want to work things out with her and start with a fresh slate.I told her you cant live in the past and she says "how can i not,its all i know".I really thought and still do think shes the one i want to settle down with and im at my ropes end here and very depressed.I have no idea what she dose from day to day and my only hope is that she dosent have anyone else and is actually takeing this time to work thru these issues,before the break up i was spending more time out at her house going to ball games that her children had and trying to show her that i loved her but she pretty much acted like i didnt exsist and when i asked to spend the night i got told i would probably have to sleep on the couch because she had not had time to make her bed...this was like 3 days before i wanted to..she ended up takeing 20 mins out of her day while i was there and her and her daughter made the bed...i went to put my overnight bag in her room and she asked me where i was going and doing and i thought that was odd as well. Any advice in a kind manner would help me out