HaydenBishop

I've posted here before, about issues with lack of intimacy and physical attraction with my wife. Anway. Things seemed to be going well but slowly my desire again faded and we began to fight and argue again. We went to counseling and talked about needing to let each other know what we want in the marriage and how to make those different needs and desires fit together. Anyway, I put this in "infedelity" because while we were in counseling I realized that I am in love with another woman. The counselor was talking about the joys of love and waking up thinking about each other, and lines of communication, and all this stuff, and I realized that the whole time she was talking about that stuff I was thinking about it with someone other than my wife. Let me start at the beginning. One month after we got married I started a new job. I got placed on one of the bigger accounts in the firm and began working on it. My main contact is a smart, professional, talented, attractive, single woman, and the one that I am now in love with. I have no idea how this happened, or when it happened. I do, however, know that I think about her all the time. She is on my mind when I wake up. She is on my mind when I go to sleep. She is on my mind at work (mostly because I am working on projects in which she is heavily involved). I find myself inspired by her. She walks into the room for a meeting and I get all gooey. I know, it sounds ridiculous, but I love this woman. I'm not willing to leave the account (it's a very big deal, pays the bills). However, I have cut off the non-essential communications with this woman. It hasn't helped. I find myself missing her anecdotes and stories and even the way she says "fountain". I've honestly, never felt this way before. I've suggested to my wife that we go back to counseling, and we have scheduled some appointments, but I'm afraid that my issues are bigger than what she believes. Is there hope for us? I know that she loves me dearly, but I don't know that I can say the same thing.

I just want to update this. We've really made some good strides. We've began jogging together in the evenings, which is nice (and has really done a great job at getting me "down to my fighting weight"). We seem to have rekindled the excitement of the bedroom, with both of us initating intimacy on a fairly regular basis. I don't know what exactly, if anything, flipped for me. She's noticed it to, making several positive remarks about our current level of sexual activity. Here is the new problem (if you can call it that). This all started about two months ago. I was out with my two buddies and we ran into an old flame of mine that ended very abruptly (we'll call her "Kelly"). Anyway, Kelly and I caught up and talked for a while and really had a great impromptu evening of conversation. Well, that night I went home and I would say all the great progress has been made. So, why did this happen? Why did this event lead to this result? Are they related? Am I reading to much into this?

AT 5'9" and 140 lbs your Body Mass Index is 20.7, which is perfect. A healthy BMI is 18.5-24.9, so you're definitely in that range. I wouldn't cut back on calories so drastically. Take the advice that everyone has given you. Work out everyday, eat healthy (but make sure you aren't starving), and let any extra pounds (which you don't have) slide off naturally.

That sounds reasonable rms8. I think that might be the route to go. I find myself having these feelings most when I've just gotten done working out and am on my way home, knowing that when I arrive she will just be sleeping. You might have hit the nail on the head.

I guess I'm just upset because we're only 24. I mean, I shouldn't be having this problem. We're still young and in love and I just don't get why I don't want to be intimate with her. It's really frustrating. As for how long this has gone on, I would say it started about two or three months after we were married. I think I noticed around September of last year that my urge was subsiding and we started hitting the slumps. Our first big fight about it was in October or around there. Since then we've had two or three long talks about the situation. I can't just turn it off and on. I wish I could, but I don't have that switch that a lot of guys (apparently) have.

After thinking about your responses, I think the problem is that I don't feel she cares. I get up every morning at 5:30 and go to the gym for an hour and work out. I then come home, shower, and get ready for work while she is still sleeping (she goes to work about an hour after I do). I wake her up, get her breakfast, and then go off to work. She doesn't wake up with me because she "isn't a morning person" which is fine. I'm cool with that. But then she doesn't really work out in the evenings. She'll run one a week or something, but then she makes excuses ("I've had a long day; My feet hurt; Etc") to rationalize not working out at night. I don't know. I guess I feel that I work out for myself and for her. But she just doesn't care about doing it for herself or for me. As for the rest of our relationship: it's great. We laugh alot, we do fun things together. We give each other space. There is trust and mutual respect. Our only real problem is in the bedroom. But it's enough of a problem that she's the one who gets upset about it.

My wife and I met in highschool and dated for seven years before we married 14 months ago. She is a very beautiful woman, and she is my best friend. We share a sense of humor, values, and all that. I, however, do not seem to be motivated to have sex with her. There are times where I'm just completely uninterested in her advances (which are numerous, she enjoys sex). We have sex once a week, with some dry-spells of two or three weeks. My lack of sexual interest is a point of frustration for her, and it's led to several major fights/arguments in the short time we've been married. If I had to pinpoint what my problem is, I would say that I am no longer attracted to her physically. She has, of course, changed physically since we first met in highschool, and even since college when we began having sex (about three to four years into our relationship). I have put on very little weight since then (about 7 lbs) but she has put on much more (i don't know where she started, but I know she only weighs about 10 lbs less than I do at this point). I feel terribly shallow. But I don't know what else it could be, and I don't know how to fix myself to get past that. Any thoughts or advice would be great.