Jason333

She's been talking so much about leaving NYC and how she doesn't like it here. It hurts me each time to hear this because it brings the ending of our story to my mind. I try my best to let that go by, at least in the mean time. I have other things to worry about. I met up with her today for lunch. She was in a bad mood and she tended to take it out on me. I tried to make her feel better, but she gets ticked off at every thing I say. Needless to say, I didn't enjoy my lunch. An hour later, we chatted online and she told me she enjoyed having lunch with me. What the hell? We hardly even had a real talk. After work, we agree to meet up at her place. I tried to get a little closer to her and hold her, but she brushed me away. I got upset. I don't understand why she didn't want me to hold her. Then when we were watching a movie, she let me hold her a little bit. I just don't understand that girl. Most girls like to be held. It's already been 3 weeks since she came back from the trip which allegedly caused her major bad moods. Don't you think it's time she return to her normal self? I just feel our relationship is not so normal.

I see where you're going with the family question. My ex-gf had a big issue with commitment because her parents had a divorce when she was a child, so she sorta lost faith early on. My current gf's parents are still together, so that's not the underlying issue. She blames it on her strict parents, and that's why she was rebellious as a teen. And because she was the middle child, she calims she never had a chance to get what she wanted, so now she's focusing on herself, and that's the reason for her to be self-centered. She just sent me an email saying that she's been sad a lot and complained that over the weekend that I didn't listen to her. It was a misunderstanding. So today, I replied back and explained to her that I'm always here for her and called her up. But she didn't say much on the phone. Like someone said in an earlier post, I'm trying to work up my trust with her. She does seem to have a big trust issue, and it's very fragile. She said I broke her trust today, but I explained to her that I didn't and hopefully she's believes me.

I do provide a lot of Acts of Service. I accompany her to airports, train stations, take her home, help her carry heavy items like TV, etc. She tells me she appreciates all those, and every time I perform an act of service, she seems to show me more feelings. However, there may be times I may not be "working" for her, and I don't want to become her slave. I don't mind helping her with her goals and duties, but there are times I like to be able to just sit down with her and do nothing and have her realize me for who I am.

Thanks for your wonderful input, OceanEyes. We haven't been dating for long, but I thought girls would usually give up time for their boyfriends. Of course that's my expectation and she's obviously not the typical clingy girl -- that's why I'm disappointed. It may take her a while for her to sink in. That's what I hope at least. This can be true also, because she did say she wanted and enjoy spending time with me. You could be right that she's probably fighting a natural urge to control every aspect of her own life. I hope that over time, things will be better and we grow together like in your relationship. No, I don't want to cheat. I was merely just saying that I need to loosen my focus on her until I can get some reassurance she's ready for me. If she does end up opening up to me, that will be great, and with all my heart, I can tell you that I honestly would be so happy to see that.

Yeah, I think she does. She asked to meet up with me today. I try to relax, but I tend to think a lot. And when not hearing from someone daily, I feel it's not right. How many relationships don't talk everyday? And is that healthy?

I know I run the risk of getting deeply hurt in the end, but it hurts me more to not try. I guess for my own protection, I will have to do what you say -- keep my emotions in check, I agree with you on this one. It's the only way I don't drive myself crazy. I guess I can see other girls. I dont' think I'll find anyone else or cheat on her, but at least that may help calm down my obsession. It's there any way to make her focus more on me?

Thanks RayKay for the reply. I don't know how she acts in her previous relationships, but her independence makes me think she was always like this. Someone don't just turn independent over night, it takes time to build. RayKay, I'm afraid what you say might be true -- that what I think I will do and what my heart feels are sometimes completely different. I know I say I will prepare for the future, but I know (from experience) that when the future comes, it will still hurt to see things not go my way. It's natural. But I just want to cherish what I have now. I work to live. and she lives to work. I, personally think that if both persons lifestyle is 'live to work', then that will be a big clash. Because neither one would care too much about the other. Having one party 'work to live' is necessary in a relationship. It's like having a chaser and a chasee in a relationship. Obviously, the best scenario would be having both parties, 'work to live', which is like having two chasers in a relationship. Two chasees will never work; likewise, if two people 'live to work', then they will never dedicate themselves to their partner. Furthermore, I work to live, and I live to love, whereas she loves to live, and she lives to work. By proof of statements, I work to love, and she loves to work. If she's a 'reserved' person, how do I open her up? How do I make her see what I see? I don't think people should have a life like that. I don't know what I'm thinking. I just want to make the most out of our relationship, but I'm so frustrated by her actions. I'm someone that likes to talk everyday and I think that's pretty normal in a relationship, but she's different. It doesn't bother her if we don't talk for more than a day.

I agree with robowarrior. That's a silly reason to be upset and leave. My gf woke up me up when I was snoring and I was the one apologizing and feeling bad, because I was disrupting her sleep. But in any case, if he was serious about you, he would have contacted you back. It's true, you just saved yourself a lot of sleepless nights.

You are right on with the live to work thing. I, too believe that she lives to work, and I'm someone that work to live. Also, I live to love, and she loves to live. Obviously, I know her mind is occupied with a lot of other things, mostly goals of herself. I have realized that she is self-centered, because everything she does is for herself. She also mentioned that she does not want to stay in NYin the long term, so I already got a glimpse of the future. Robowarrior, you're right that the tides are against me and a lot of things are not to my favor. However, I do have faith in our relationship, and I hope she will give me the same amount of attention in the near future. I guess I cannot ask for eternity in our relationship, so I'll just have to make the most out of it. What I'm saying is that I want to have a good time and make it last as long as possible. I have changed my expectations, knowing how things will be at the end. But at the moment, she's all over my mind, and I can't stop thinking about her. I try to not think about her as much by doing other things and talking to other people. I don't want to knock her off my mind but I want to reduce the size of her role.

I have the same problem as well. I want to see and talk her everyday, and every time we meet, I want her to stay longer. I feel like I'm needy, but I just thought it's part of the love. Don't you want to see your gf more? I think I fell a lot faster than my gf, because I'm always the one wanting to see her, but I thought that's normal. I also get frustrated when she doesn't give me the attention I need. I do have high expectations and sometimes expect her to act a certain way -- normal things, like expecting her to see me more, expect her to call me, things most girls do. It's hard for me, because she's not like the typical "needy" girl, and she hardly meets my expectations. Like robowarrior says, "Love must be "unconditional" you are trapped in all your own high demands and standards, lower your standards and demands and things will go much much easier on you." I try not to expect so much, but some things are just natural, like expect her to see me once in a while or expecting her to be happy to see me. *sigh*

More information about our relationship

I do feel she's capable of giving more care. And I do have faith in the relationship, that's why I think this is just a rough wave. At times she can be pretty nice to me, but recently she's just been in a bad mood when she's with me. Should I stop hanging out with her for a period of time, or should I ride the bad mood even though it hurts me. My thinking is that I want to be there for her.

That is hard. I feel the same way with my gf. When we have problems, I don't feel she cares enough to work with me on it. I feel like I'm always the one working on it, and I'm hoping someday, she'll realize it.

I understand how you feel. It's torture; it's a mixture of frustration, confusion, and pain. My current relationship is kind of like this. My gf would have these huge mood swings and not talk to me. I really like her but there's nothing I can do. And recently, every thing I say just annoys here, which makes me feel miserable. And when we hang out, she refuses to let me hold her hand. I find that very upsetting. You know, I try to make things better between, but I really don't understand why she acts a certain way.

My gf sometimes threatens to go home when we're hanging out and I'm doing things not to her favor. I'm so nice to her but I think it's because she knows she has me by the neck. I think she likes to be in control. thereforeeee, I would say your man likes to be in control. But of course, your situation is much more extreme, not to mention life-threatening. Like the other posters said, he may have a serious problem.

Her independence of anyone bothers me. It makes me feel so small in her life. I know she can go on easily without me, but it's so hard for me to let go of her. I tried understanding why she is so independent and what contributed to this factor. I thought it was because she was constantly moving around, like every several years, the move made her become independent. But she said no. It was because she didn't want to be anything like her parents. She told me her parents were very strict and she was a rebellious kid. She would do things she was told not to do. Is anyone out there like this? Sometimes little things bother me. I told her yesterday my friend called me several times 'cause my friend couldn't reached me. She said she would not do that. She would only call once and leave a message at the most. Then it's up to the other person to call her back. She also said she would never called me 6 times per day. Why did she have to say never. I don't like eliminating the that possibility. It's these little things that makes me feel good. I like a girl who would call every so often (as long as it's not stalking), ask about me, pay attention to me. Obviously, I'm very into her, and I want her to be into me as well. I can't help it. I want to feel loved too. I always feel I want to see her more, and I want to do more with her. She spends time with me, but I feel it's not enough. Another thing is, we don't work together any more. She hated the idea of dating a coworker, so I found a new job. I wanted to quit for many other reasons; she was just the catalyst. She told me that we would spend more time together if we were not coworkers, but then this phase kicked in. Things happen and now, I have to take steps back. I had to convince myself that sometimes taking a few step back may not be a bad thing. It may help move things forward. As much as I want to go full speed ahead in the relationship, I know I can't force it. She's not the girl she was before her trip or going through this "phase", so I have to step back and give her some space. Hopefully she'll come through.

This phase she's going through is not helping at all. Our relationship was progressing fine until she went on this trip. After she came back, I feel our relationship has taken a few steps back. I confronted her last night (not one of the fun things to do) and she told me she has issues of her own. I told her I haven't changed or done anything different to her, and she agreed. Obviously, the problem is in her, but she can't pinpoint it. She suggested that perhaps we shouldn't see each other in a while and let her figure out things on her own. I didn't like that idea of not seeing her, so I said I still want to see her but I'll let her figure out things and I'll be there if she needs me. I don't want things to go sour, but I also don't have control over things. What can I do?

A little background on our relationship We've been together for about 2 months now. Yes, she went on a trip recently to visit her family in another country. After she came back, she has been in a very bad mood. She recently told me that going back to where she grew up brought back many memories and was very hard for her. She told me she needed time to adjust, but it has been a week and a half since her return. She said she's slowly going back to her old self, but we met up last night and she still gave me an attitude. Almost every thing I said irrirated her. Things got better towards the end of the night, but I want to know how to help her go back to herself (even though there's probably nothing I can do). I wrote her an email telling her how I felt on Thursday night. She replied and said that she knows she has not been a very good girlfriend recently, because she thinks she's going through a phase. She also reassured me that I'm important to her and that she wants to see me, and then we met up on Fri night. We talked on Fri night too. She said that she's not a needy person and don't like calling people often. I feel like she's a guy in a female body. Also, I've told her so much about my feelings towards her. I fear that might be a bad thing, because I put myself in a very vulnerable spot. I'm very honest to her, and I'm honest about the relationship, but at the same time I don't want to get hurt. Even though I spent the whole Fri night with her, I still want to see her more. Since I'm busy on Sat and Sun afternoon, I ask her if I could see her on Sun evening. And she told me Sun evenings are reserved for herself, alone (she has work next day. She was willing to see me on Sun morning and afternoon but not Sun evening. Are there people like this in healthy relationships, or does it mean I'm not important enough to her? I feel I need to hear from her, and it hurts me when she ignores me. I felt I I was being punished and I did nothing wrong. Why couldn't she just pick up and tell me she's not in a good mood? Granted, you may be right, she'd probably be in a terrible mood and made the phone call miserable, but I really wanted to hear from her. I feel like I'm the girl in the relationship, but I'm really not. I just care about her a lot. Yup, she's like that. Sometimes she just likes to stay home and watch tv all day and do her things. But I don't mind watching tv with her, yet, she still wants to do it alone. I don't understand that, because I don't mind watching TV with her. I would enjoy her company, why couldn't she enjoy mine? To answer your question, she didn't tell me she wanted to be alone. She never picked up my calls in the first place. Indeed, I'm giving her tons of attention and care. Don't girls want that? Do they want to feel loved? Most of the girls told me that like to feel cared for and loved. That's just so contradicting then if what you said is true. So, now I'm suffocating her? I know she wants to do her own things, but why can't she do her own things with my company? I don't mind going shopping, buying grocery, etc with her. I know some girls really like company.

My girlfriend sometimes goes cold on me. Yesterday, I called her several times and she did not pick up or return my calls. I confronted her today and she told me that she just needed time to herself. I don't understand what that means. (I don't ignore her calls or her) I care about her, and when she ignores me, it hurts. Then, the next day she seemed fine and acted like nothing happened. We would chat and hang out as if nothing had happened. I really don't understand such odd behavior from her. I know I did nothing wrong, but I feel like I'm getting punished every time she ignores me.

I've talked to her since my last post. I think things are a bit better now. We saw each other every day for this week. She says it takes a while for her to settle in. We've seen each other for about a month (or less). Am I expecting a lot for her to call me everyday?

She's 22 years old and she's had past relationships, so I do expect her to be able to communicate better with people. In my past relationships, my ex-gf's called me most of the time, and I like that, provided it's not too frequent. I told the girl I'm seeing that I'd like to hear from her more often. I found my way into her schedule and talked to her tonight. She took out her calendar and tried to fit me into her schedule. She's going away this weekend but she said we'll do something next weekend, and something this week. I guess it's a start.

I recently started seeing this girl (whom I've known for several months) and she seems so cold from time to time. She's a very independent girl and very career-oriented. Sometimes I feel she's too independent and doesn't need me. I've been thinking about her the whole weekend and I've lost some sleep thinking about her. I think I have way too much feeling for her. She told me she likes me too but I know she doesn't like me as much as I do. She also has a problem with commitment. It's ironic that I want her to be more dependent on me. I really like her and want her to spend more time with me. I'm afraid this may be a problem. She doesn't seem to need as much time with me. I'm afraid things won't work out this way. Also, she seems to be cold at times. I've had a relationship in the past with a girl like that. One of my ex's was very moody and it was very difficult for me and I loved her, too. I know there's no way for me to change the moodiness of a girl, but I want to know at least she has me in her heart. Is it possible to have a relationship with a girl who's so independent? Granted, we work in the same place, but we only hang out about twice a week and this is the beginning stage. We hardly even talk on the phone. Don't most couples like talking on the phone? I'm not a big fan of the phone, but I'm stumbled on the fact that she hardly calls me. This has been bothering me, because I always want to see or hear her but she seems so busy. And I miss her so much everyday. I wonder if it is just me. Should I relax and let things flow? How do I relax? I'm nervous in the beginning stage of a relationship because I want to build a strong foundation. I'm 25 years old and I've been through several relationships, but losing someone I like is always hard for me. Please advice. -Jason