Sway1607307344

Yeah, it's a book I've been meaning to buy for ages now, must get around it. I think though, that the book focuses around 'first love's', who have been apart for a lot of years, 10, 15, 20 years or more, who have found each other, gone searching for the other...... And also when old flames reunite, there is a high success rate of these couples actually staying together. Those who have been apart for 10 years or more, are the ones most likely to stay together, when they meet again. There is also a website: link removed Nancy Kalishs website.

If you were that serious about doing NC, you would block her from sending any IM's...easy remedy if you think about it.

I split with a guy a few years ago, we were 'first loves' and met in our teens. We were involved for around 9 years, off and on, we split, met other people, were apart for 10 years, met again through the internet (he came looking for me) and now we are good friends. I'm unsure at this point where it is headed.......same as you. I think it's wrong of her to be filling your head, with what is seemly 'false hopes'. She has a boyfriend, yet she talks of a future with you...lol. Either she's messing the current boyfriend around, or she's messing you around!! Look.....if you meant that much to her, then IMO she'd come clean with her boyfriend, tell her all about you and then leave him to be with you. It would appear that she's keeping you on the 'back burner; incase things fail with the current boyfriend.......she then has you to fall back on. I'm sorry, but I wouldn't let her use you in this way. I'd limit contact with her and in contact with her, I'd be brief, then say goodbye. I'd try if I were you, to move on and away from her, because she has absolutely no intentions of leaving this guy, else it would have happened before now! If you can handle being 'friends', then so be it, but I don't think that you can handle being 'just friends', else you wouldn't be posting here. You are setting yourself up for more 'emotional turmoil', if you remain in contact IMO. I know it's hard, particularly when it's an ex who was your first love. For some reason or other, our 'first love' tends to stick in our minds and they can do for years and years after the break up. I know, because I never, ever forgot my 'first love'. But ya know, when things aren't progressing the way you'd like them too, you have no choice but to move on with your life. There's a saying 'If you love something, set it free - if it returns, it is 'yours', it was meant to be'.......

People can only advise you on what they personally would do and you always hear differing opinions because people are different. At the end of the day, it's down to you to decide *yourself* what to do/what is best for you. *You* are the one living your life, nobody else here is living it for you. *You* are the one who has got to live with your final decision/the consequences. I doubt very much that she'd think you were a stalker. I don't view my ex as being a stalker, simply because he still cared enough about me to come searching for me after all of this time. He came looking for me, quite simply, because he had really *LOVED* me and *CARED* about me all those years ago and because he had obviously never forgotten me over the years. I was more flattered than anything I sure as heck didn't view him as a stalker and I doubt your ex would view you as a stalker either, if she has any sense!! She'd know why you'd shown up, because she'd meant a lot to you. You will never know unless you take the plunge and get in touch. It's better to know, than to never know at all. And what's better? Knowing, or never knowing?? Can you live the rest of your life, never knowing?? Worse case scenario....... You may decide not get in touch. You could go on to marry some other woman, have kids, etc......and you are happy, but not 100% - there's something missing? You are still hung up on this ex, this ex that you still carry this burning torch for, the ex who you never got in touch with all those years back, but you still wonder about. You still have niggling doubts in the back of your mind, about what could've been, if only? You feel guilty in regard to your wife, because emotionally you are not with her 100%......you still wonder about the ex. Honestly, I reckon that you have to contact this ex, so that you can MOVE ON.......else you may never move on and despite going on to marry someone else/having kids, etc. You could potentially be harming/putting at risk, a future relationship/marriage, with a woman you havn't even met yet, because you may never be able to let go of the past, let go of this woman..........unless you take this opportunity NOW, to put it to rest, if the case has to be. This happens all of the time where we have people go looking for old flames who they have never forgotten and despite these people being married now. These people have never given 100% to their marriage/partner and cannot, because they have been unable to move on from their ex's and maybe for the same reasons as you, they didn't dare get back in touch with their ex!! These people may have never married their current partners. They could've gone on to marry their ex, if only...... Now I'm not saying that you are going to be one of these people who never moves on, but there's every possibility that you could be one of those who doesn't, given what you have said in this thread. I guess that my ex must have been in exact same posistion you are now, with all of these conflicting feelings, ie: to get in touch with me/or not. He too, likely thought that he'd be wasting his time, especially given the way things ended between us and events that happened when we last saw each other. But hey, some people have a forgiving nature and they don't hold grudges. Time tends to heal all. Just don't have any high expectations if you do get in touch and you'll be ok! I wish you all the best. Let us know how things go and if you need a listening ear, you are welcome to PM me

Not necessarily! I'd often thought about my ex over the years, wondered how he was, what he was doing, etc, etc, yet I didn't get in touch with him, even though I'd often thought about it! Reason being, is because we'd had a bad breakup and I'd also thought that he wouldn't have wanted me to get in touch with him, I'd be the last person he'd wanted to hear from. Which is pretty much what this guy is saying. He's afraid that she will not want to hear from him!! If I'd have thought for one moment that I'd have been welcomed with open arms, I'd have contacted him and made the first move long ago!! As it happened, my ex got in touch with me and I was OVERJOYED and THRILLED to hear from him. I say he should go for it, else he will spend the rest of his life wondering, what could've been. At least if he calls her, he's going to know where he stands either way. And if he did get a bad reaction from his ex, he can then move on with his life. I'd also like to say, that people don't need counselling, because they may carry a torch for an old flame. There's always that ONE ex that sticks in our minds, who is high on a pedestal above all other ex's. First loves seem harder to forget than any subsequent ones and I'm talking 'first love' not 'first crush'.......big difference!

It's also possible that fear of rejection, may hold the dumper back from asking you out again. He/she dumped you once, so perhaps they are afraid to ask you out again, for fear you'll say no, due to them dumping you previous. Ex's usually like to come 'testing the waters', before they make their move to win back an ex. They may send texts, emails, drop a phone call to say 'hi', how are you', thought I'd give you a call/drop you an email to see how you are', etc, etc. They are fishing for signs from you, to see if you are still interested, rather than tell you straight how they still feel and face the ultimate rejection!. Once you give them a sign that you are still interested, do still love them, etc....... well they don't fear being rejected anymore, so they will usually come clean. A lot of folks will say 'play hard to get', make them sweat, in an instance where we have an ex come back and an ex who dumped us. But I personally wouldn't play those kinds of games. Playing hard to get, can come accross as 'disinterested' and people who play hard to get, often wonder why their ex disappeared. It's best to be totally honest, in regard to how you feel. If someone truly loves you, they will move mountains to be with you!!

He keeps on doing it to you, because you are allowing him to get away with what he's doing. He knows that you are available to him, anytime he wishes and this is likely to be why, he acts the way he does. NC I reckon. Know it's hard, been there, done that and worn the t-shirt, but who wants a guy who only wants you, when he aint got nothing better to do.

Sharing an experience. I had an ex boyfriend contact me after 10 years apart. He'd searched for me on the internet. found me and then emailed me. Previous to this ten years apart, we'd had an off-on relationship that had spanned eight years. I called things off with him, because I wanted more than he was prepared to give, ie; marriage. I knew that he was never going to give me, his full committment, which is what I so desperately wanted. It wasn't easy to break things off with him, because I was totally and utterly in love with this guy, we were 'first loves', but I saw no future for us. He didn't want to end things between us. I felt I had little choice but to move on, but it broke my heart to do so. He pursued me for ages afterwards, but I stuck to my guns and I didn't take him back. It was a case of he didn't know what he'd lost, until it was gone, or so it seemed. And so we both went our separate ways. He met someone else, I moved away and met someone else. I never forgot this guy, who was the 'love of my life' and he never ever forgot me either......hence why he contacted me 10 years later I was absolutely delighted to hear from him!! We are still in touch