blues_belter
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Hi guys and gals When you have had a great time on a first date with a guy (albeit acted a little nervous, but generally ok), how long should you wait for him to call back for a 2nd date? is it a bad idea to call him later on? I already know that i want him to pursue me. He seems very interested but a little shy- and in the past i tend to freak men out because i tend to take a lot of initiative. So i'm confused. I like him, but i want to let him do the chasing- make sense? It's been a while for me and he's a real gentleman, so i don't want to scare this one off! Thanks in advance
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good luck curly!
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And Dawnie Duckie-- thanks for your post too. I know all i have to do is get lost in the music.
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The Death of a Friend - a Murder Unsolved
blues_belter replied to avman's topic in Abuse and Violence
will light a candle for you and your friend, wherever she is now. I support and empathize with you, Avman -
Hey guys- i don't have access to a computer over the weekend but here i am here i am! I send u good vibes curly girl- good luck, today. I had 2 nice dates over the weekend. i had almost forgotten what it was like to be picked up by a gentleman at MY house by a man who actually drives! I know, it seems silly- but i was always the one driving the car in my last relationship- usually the one paying for almost EVERYTHING. Anyway, i had a great time. He kept wanting to hear my recorded stuff- he's been to a few of my shows-brought by a close friend of both me and my ex who is still pissed at my ex about the way he handled things. I don't know how much he knows about me and ex and i don't really feel like telling at this stage. He said he couldn't understand why i was so hesitant to play my stuff for him. The real truth is - it seemed awkward to be playing songs about my failed relationships on a new date!! When finally pressed, i explained a bit about where i was coming from in some of them. It was awkward! I was terribly vague and did not release any details. I figured that when and if he really does need to know, i can tell him. But i did not want to ruin a good time by going on about the past- it's still very fresh to me. We went hiking about an hour away from here and then over to my favorite blues club- owners are like family. the band there called me up onstage to do a couple songs- he seemed to really enjoy it and kept going on and on joking about how he wants my autograph. It was nice to see that he wasn't threatened by what i do.
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Thanks Nathalie! That's a great one too- ive got so many topics and issues within this breakup, i should have enough for at least 2 box sets. So i will write about them all, pick the best ones and bring to the group ( can't bombard the poor b*****!) These songs won't be directed towards him, as much as i wouldn't mind getting a stab in there, but more about what it's like to be me being with a man like him, and more importantly, what i've learned. But thank you- perhaps someday these tunes will help some people on these boards take it easy and find some hope. Ain't that the blues...
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Yay! I'm glad for you thanks for the lyrics- it inspired me to write something a little different Cheers, Curly- about the time you decide they're not coming back is usually the time they start to lurk around- this is the time when YOU decide. Not to offer false hope because i don't know this guy- but by the time he comes around- if ever, you will be in a better place to objectively look at him and decide if he's worth your love
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Dawn Duckie- thanks so much. I finally got the closure that i needed in a way when i went off on him like that- even though, emotionally i'm still tied to him. The really difficult thing about all this is knowing that, though he says he wants me to be at peace with the fact that it was not my fault, he is still minimizing and blaming me for what happened "I'm not coming back to you because I don't want to be in handcuffs." I saw my counselor yesterday who said it will be much easier for my recovery in the long run if he really took inventory and made amends with me. She said that may not happen for a while if ever and the pattern will repeat itself with the next one. What i am worried about -about being in this band is not whether or not i can be professional with this person. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that i can do this. What concerns me is that we play original material- I write the songs. I don't want all my material on the next CD to sound like a broken record!! My songs are directly tied to my experiences. My singing is directly tied to emotion. I CAN let him go on the surface but the lingering pain that he still blames me for it. This is so hard to shake. My job is to learn how to make peace with that and not let it affect my own sense of myself. This validation that codependents often seek- this is what i am struggling with right now. He's gone- i'm just haunted. Perhaps i could just write it off in a letter. He needs to know how his actions affected this whole thing. He needs to know that this problem lies with him. He could be in handcuffs with anyone- not just with me. If we weren't tied together professionally- it would be easier. But This is not like any other job. When there is a problem between anyone of us onstage, it's obvious. There is a direct relationship between what we are feeling and what comes out. This is what i want to find a way to move past. This is 5 times more difficult than the actual breaking up!!! Thank you so much
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I agree. If i may take a leap, it seems deadening the pain is only a temporary escape. Cutting yourself and drinking doesn't remove anything. Believe me, i've done it too (drinking). I know, I know- who wants to really tap into the pain? It's scary, it's real, and sometimes more about ourselves than the other person. We're all alone with that- no one to take it away. Strange, though, it is necessary. One good cry wont take it all away- but its a start. It;s healthy- our bodies have ways of taking care of themselves- if we let them. I'm fairly certain this is why we weren't born with liquor in the system. I know, everyone's heard this before-but i like what you have to say, Curly, about channeling that energy into something positive. I love the fact that you're taking walks. I'm really grateful that i have a unique way to express what i feel- onstage, singing the blues and really feeling that soul. What is also so gratifying is that the music i'm singing is my own and every person in that room and every person in that band can relate to it and FEEL it too. Every person in that band INCLUDING my ex. IT's not about just singing a song and getting a nice hand clap. It's about testifying. And you know you're successful when you've got other folks - other human beings who have been their- nodding their heads and jumping up and down. I take that microphone and move into the crowd with it i get into personal space with other people. People are shocked at first, sometimes afraid but it's an incredible connection because i care about every person in that room. I can say this is why people pack our shows. This may sound like a complete ramble- but the thing is, though you have to go through it on your own, late at night- you're still not alone in the world. Music helps, painting helps, exercise helps- whatever way you have to express it and release it. Do it.
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Yeah, it makes sense... where are your girlfriends?
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Curly, this saddens me that you feel in so much pain. Is cutting yourself something you have always done to try to cope- or is this recent? I'm seeing a really good couselor right now- it helps. Of course, i'm going to have to explain my recent behavior, but what a good counselor or psychologist can do is help you get to the root cause of it all. Does your job have good insurance?
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Yes, but it is terribly difficult to maintain your own after a period of time if you try to become their counselor. Make very sure that though you love them, care for them and want them to feel good about him or her, do not give more emotionally than they are willing to. Be very careful to be a good friend, but not a dumptruck. Make any sense? What's your situation?
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help me think through that "drink" *** bless it!
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That's a good one Curly. In my situation, i'm still struggling with the notion of justice, though. I find it difficult to swallow the past and continue working with this person as if nothing happened. It's 3 1/2 years of history, love, sweetness, then violence and then a court case!! If there was nothing left holding me back- i would leave this town. But our shared "baby" is this band. It's not a garage or a weekend hobby band. We have a contract, management, a CD almost out. All that. Something tells me i'm stuck because i never felt full closure. And of course many people say that i should have gotten closure the first time he hit me, but i'm past that. What will give me closure is giving his crap back to him. No, not revenge- i just want to give it back to him. I just don;t know how. After the way i went off- why would he want to sit down and listen? Perhaps my only alternative is a letter- whether or not i give it to him or just float it with a candle down the river- i need to give the pain that he caused me back because it should not belong to me and yet i still keep it. The pain of a failed relationship belongs to 2 people. But the pain of abuse should belong to the person who fired the missile. I don't know Curly. It is a new day. We all have chances for new beginnings. I want to share in your optimism. I want to feel that too!!!
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thanks Natalie Julie
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Yes, he will, Curly- and i don't mind the sponsor line because in many ways this forum is about taking your own control back and giving the rest back to the universe. Corny as that sounds. Take it Curly- get 3 in rotation! I wish i had followed this advice with my own P but it's not too late for you. Think through that drink- be it men or real liquor!
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ok curly- hang in there! let me know how you are tomorrow
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Curly- how long was it from the divorce till your relationship? Natalie, please keep em coming. I have internalised this for so long that i have absorbed all blame for the entire relationship
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Ooooooh Natalie!! Tell me more- i really need to hear these things!
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Hey Natalie! Good to see you. No the relationship is not worth saving. Point is i was absolutely mortified that i let all those feelings out on him like that- when i say i want to work together comfortably. He's been afraid to talk to me, i'm sure because i might rip into him. I had made peace with that in my mind- but not yet in my heart. But when we talked about it all he can say is, well, we didn't get along- that's no way to live. He could never come out and say "i hit you and that was wrong and that's no way to live." This was way beyond getting along! When i started crying the other night i asked if he really thought his abuse was my fault. He was soft and said, no honey, i really want you to be at peace with that- but that's it I wanted him to know i was strong- i wanted our last moments the next day to be positive, but all i did was tear into him and say things best left to myself.
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Who knows what these other women do for him. It does't really matter. The point is right now he's confused. I think you're doing great by keeping no contact. How long was it since the divorce when you started with him? Did he date others casually before you?
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Oh and one more thing- do NOT sleep with him while you know he is seeing other people. This is for your protection and peace of mind as a female. Tell me what you think..
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I think your letter was fine and honest. I do believe that he has feelings for you and is afraid. This may sound weird, but there are cases when it is ok to date other people- so long as the other person truly is fine with it. Think about that whole "3 in rotation" kind of thing. It's much easier to "fall hard" when there is only one on the horizon. Rather, i feel your ex is trying to put his feelings for you in perspective with the rest of his life. This is not a bad thing. In the short term it is because you hurt so much. But keep that non- needy air about you. I would not however go over the same points with him again, now that you have said it. Perhaps the 2 of you can comfortably see each other while you continue to date other people? But that is something you really need to be ready for. If not, don't do it.
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You have every reason to believe he misses you. What did you say in the letter?
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Actually, i have that book too, and have read it a few times. It is very helpful. But everytime i think about how things ended the other day- i feel absolutely awful. I want to know if there is anything i can do to explain maybe in a letter that i regret how i acted- that i regret what we went through, but that i wish him well. I really want to give him that respect. The more i talk to him in person, the more i feel misunderstood. I want to make peace with it and with him. I told him right before that night (after we hadn't spoken in 2 months) that i wanted to be able to work with him, be friends and that's it. But now, it's like i erased that new beginning.