Duffy2005

You are probably all right. But I can't help but think one of two situations is going on: a) She may have changed and I'm paranoid (rightfully so) about the past, or b) she hasn't changed but rather has become more clever about her convo's or just does it less frequently. Its not like she goes out and runs the streets until the early morning...she actually never goes anywhere at night. But....right now it is 10 pm here and she is at work (she only works late one night per week)...and i can't help but wonder... I think its an attention thing for her...She admitted when we first met that she loved to flirt all the time. I'm sure it was primarily because the attention was flattering...she is almost 40 yet guys half her age are attracted to her because she looks so young. I believe she doesn't flirt as much (whether online or in-person), but how would I know? A long time ago, I caught her by creating a fake online persona and "lureing" her in to see how much she would flirt with someone when she was supposed to be in a committed relationship. Maybe its time to do that again.. I can't check her email or IM's...and don't feel comfortable doing so. But I can see who she is having Instant Message Chats with by looking at the archive file (cant read them, but they're filed by name and time). Nothing there looks incriminating...but its easy to delete messages if one wanted to. Don't know why I'm rambling...just wish I could find out and move on. (Sigh)

I too love the stepparents bill of rights! The one that I worry about in my situation is: My wife and I have so much grief from my step-daughter, we've thought about sending her to live with her dad, which my step-daughter thinks she would prefer. My worry is he will let her run the streets and she'll get pregnant and we'll end up having to raise a grandkid. I guess my point is, we as step-parents can say we won't be responsible for the kids for whom we can't set limits...but the responsibility may fall in our hands whether we want it or not. Note: We stepparents should create a support group here on enotalone!

Hope 75: The trying to get some guy to sleep with her happened a long time ago..very early in our relationship. If I still thought she was doing stuff like that, I'd throw her out with the garbage. The only real thing that I makes me uncomfortable today (because of her antics in the past) is that she occasionally APPEARS to be doing things on the computer that she doesn't want me to see. The reason that makes me uncomfortable is when we first started living together, she did a LOT of sneaky conversing with other guys on the computer. I'd wake up at night thinking she was in bed asleep beside me, realize she wasn't in bed and then see her coming to the bedroom to "make sure I was still asleep"...then go back to her computer. I also know she did stuff like that while I was at work. We had several fights about it and it seemed like she stopped doing it. Then one day a couple of months after we were married I caught her red handed having very flirtatious conversation on line with an old "friend". We had a big blow-up, which I think finally got through to her. I told her very clearly that we wouldn't stay married if I had to wonder what she was doing with other people...either on line, on the phone or in person. She wrote me a note and she promised we would not have that problem again. But....when I enter the room and it looks like she is trying to close a window on her computer before I see it......it brings back bad memories and conjures up those old hurt feelings. I love this woman so much it hurts....and in every other aspect, she seems to be madly in love with me. I shower her with attention and affection. I've keep just trusting her...but I keep my eyes and ears open with being too nosey or suspicious.

Thanks for all the input and sentiment. Of course we're trying to steer her toward healthier eating...in baby steps. Trust me, she won't switch from pizza and mcnuggets to boiled chicken easily! Even healthy foods become less healthy the way she eats them (slathers ketchup and syrup on everything). I plan to start introducing some higher energy activities this week. I'm hoping I can get her mom to spend more time with her that way. 'Its hard for me to just "butt-out" because my greatest fear is a few years from now I'll have a unhappy, lazy, pregnant, unemployed, narcisstic, step daughter in my house. What complicates things is this kid is so difficult to have around anyway. Literally every day or night there is a blow-up of some form...usually caused by her lack of respect or attention or concern or lazyness or.....

First some background: I got married over a year ago and have kids for the first time in my life..ranging from 9 to 19. The middle child is a 13 year old girl. She is ADHD and can be a handful. She has trouble socializing because she is so loud and demanding...so she has almost no friends. We've had her in counseling with a HIGHLY recommended therapist, who's final analysis was that my step-daughter is narcisistic. Her advice essentially was to hope she grows out of it. We're working thru all of the above. Where I need some help is with her weight...she is probably only about 4'9" but weighs over 140 pounds. Most of it in her enormous belly. To make matters worse, she doesn't seem to realize it. Every now and then she'll say she is fat, and sometimes she acts like it bothers her. To make matters worse, she tries to wear clothes designed for a skinny model. We took her to get a new Halloween costume and all the normal costumes were too small in the mid section...so she had to buy an adult costume designed for "plus sized" women. She complained that the package had a picture of a "fat" woman modeling it. When she eats, she eats too fast, eats too large of portions, etc. She tends to shun "healthy foods" for french fries and chicken nuggets. We try to monitor, limit, control, etc...but my wife and I both have jobs and we can't "babysit" her all the time. Like most kids these days, she is not very active. She signed up for soccer this year, but she is the worst player on the team. She plays like she has her feet in concrete. But she enjoyed being on the team and seemed oblivious that she is not good at it. btw...everyone else in the family is thin...very thin! This may sound superficial, but lets be honest,....people are happier and healthier when they are not overweight. My concern is by the time she is 16 or 17 she will be 5'2" and 250 pounds and miserable...and her attitude and outlook will be even worse. We try to suggest to her to eat differently and be more active (as delicately as possible), she accuses us of calling her fat and she starts crying, etc. Every once in a while, she'll say she is going to change her eating habits or exercise....that lasts about a day or two. How do I get through to her without hurting her feelings? Please don't suggest having the healthy eating discussion! Healthy eating is lost on a 13 year old! Sometimes I think she doesn't realize how fat she looks, so I think if I could somehow get her to see what other see, it might sink in. The "bad parent" in me says take some side view pictures of her in one of her skimpy outfits and maybe it will shock her into reality. I know that's not appropriate. Any other suggestions? btw...i watched my sister and neice go thru this same sort of thing. They were not popular as teenage girls, so they absorbed the "wrong" type of attention when they did get it. Both had teen pregnancies...and their lives are still a mess years later.

I am nearly 50 and have always ripped at the skin around my cuticles. I am a very calm person and think thats how any anxiety comes out. For instance, when I watch my favorites sports team play on TV, I put gloves on so I want end up with bloody fingers. One thing that helps the finger ripping is to use lots of moisturizer and then use cuticle trimmers to cut your cuticles away....granted, you may just start working on another part of your anatomy. Try getting a pair of those relaxation balls to play with in your hands (those small metal balls that have some kind of chime in them...its an oriental kinda thing). They work!

I second what Ilse is saying. Don't give up on the guy yet over this. Ilse's advice to ask your guy in a gentle and caring way is spot on! You will learn a lot from what happens. If he opens up and tells all you will probably become even closer to him (unless his secret is he's an axe murderer or something ) If he acts evasive or angry, then thats your signal his character may be flawed...or his secret is darker then he can share. Best of luck to you!

My wife (of one year) have an awesome relationship. We get along great and share so many good times together. She seems to be extremely in love with me and committed. She is very affectionate. Everything is wonderful. Except..... I am not entirely convinced I can fully trust her. When we were dating and even after we were first married I caught her having flirtacious (and worse) conversations with men on the internet. When we first moved in together, I saw a message where she was setting up a date during the day to meet a guy for the sole purpose of having sex. Confronted, she said the guy never showed up. I'll never know the truth. Needless to say, we almost broke up over that incident. Then occasionally, I would find her being "sneaky" on the computer...trying to have conversations when I wasn't looking or asleep. We've had several fights over all this. Most of the time I don't have hard evidence of what she has done or said on line. I did catch her last December having a very sexy conversation with a guy. My problem is she still occasionally seems to be sneaky on the computer. She only seems to use it when I leave or if I take a shower, etc. If I am in the room she positions the laptop in such a way that I can't see what she is doing. If i get out of my chair, sometimes it seems like she starts clicking things real quick...like she is closing windows. We haven't had any discussions (fights) about all this for quite a while...I am trying to trust her. Plus, I think once or twice when I accused her of being sneaky or hiding something, I think I was wrong. So she gets mad for not trusting her. The only way I can really find out what is going on is to read her email or check her instant message archive....which I don't want to do. But that is one of the ways I caught her in the past. If I accuse her falsely too many more times, I'm afraid our relationship will be harmed. But it gnaws at me to think she may be having illicit conversattions behind my back. I know she is having instant message conversations with guys, but they may be totally platonic and innocent. But I'm afraid that she may be talking to guys she knows locally too...and may be tempted to meet up with them. My problem is in the past I was right when my instincts told me she was doing something wrong. My instincts are telling me that again. >>> What to do? If I bring this up and I'm wrong, i'll look like a jealous fool. She won't admit it if she was. But I hate this gnawing feeling....