DarkCh0c0

Please, stick to therapy and start removing this very very toxic guy and relationship from your life. Stop texting him as of right now. Don't go back to his place. Nothing. Block him out of your life and don't let him in no matter what BS he pulls. Every time you want to text him, go on a walk, listen to a song, write your feelings on a piece of paper, but don't text him. You need to focus on YOU and on healing all the traumas you have and that will take months. Please. Focus on YOU. You need to start to cultivate healthy habits in your life and you need to get to the root of your abuse patterns. By doing so, you'll start finding ways to be happy and healthy. I'm sorry you're going through this. It's time for you to get on a healing journey. Good job on starting therapy.

Are you kidding? What she's doing a deal breaker for many people. You are far far from being an a hole. You are actually very kind and forgiving of her dangerous habits. However, like you said, you get along in other areas and you're in it for the kids too. I think the middle ground here is to outsource like @mylolitasuggested. Find a cleaner and have her do the car and house cleaning regularly. See if that helps with time. And by having a cleaner you'll have more time to spend with the kids, doing self-care and spending quality time with your gf. Who knows. It might lift everyone's mood!

I'm sorry, but the more I read about his trips, the more I'm afraid this man has a double life and you were some temporary fix. It's cruel, I know. And I know this as I was involved with an Asia loving expat who lied to me for years about his true intentions on where he wanted to settle in life. He told me what I wanted to hear for years until he finally and out of the blue told me that he didn't want the same thing as me and that he lied cause he knew it was a deal-breaker for me(in my case, he wanted me to stay with him and act like a spare wheel in his life). I pity him. There are people who do that and my old friend had warned me about him, but I was so stubborn and naive and brushed off her comment. Right now you need to block him for treating you like this and cut his access to your house, finances, ect. Change the house locks if he has a spare key. Once you're at the anger stage, take all his stuff and dump them in the trash. He does not deserve you.

It is. It's frustrating and heartbreaking. I think once you come to terms to accept that what you're seeing now is part of who he really is, you'll see him in a different light and you'll be repulsed. You should get to an anger stage and be fuming! How dare he do this to you? What kind of human being is he to do this to you?! If he ever calls you back, you don't respond. You don't deserve this and don't put up with this again. You block him too everywhere and refuse to be treated like this by anyone anymore. Can you elaborate more on this? Did he sort of get stuck at or moved in to your place during the pandemic? Cause the more I read, the more I see it as if you were some temporary plan he fell back on until he's fully went back to his home country. I could be wrong though. And what was the long term plan for both of you? Him staying and finding a job in the US for example?

So she needs to be passing out every time after you have sex? 😨 Lord, help 😂 Then communicate. Talk about it next time you're both relaxed and don't accuse her of lying. Just ask her what she's into and if there's anything you can do more or less of so she can feel better. You might be surprised of her answer. Focus on HER next time you have sex, rather than her orgasm.

By himself? Was it for work? How long did he say it'll be for? You're supposed to be a team. This doesn't sound like a decision that serves you guys as a team. It sounds like a decision that serves his needs only. What the... And he makes you feel guilty for checking in on him??! What if he died? What if you need him? There are two people in this relationship. Sheesh I wonder what he's doing there. Other gf would probably be answer. You're naively believing in his lies and stories. Not really. You probably ignored or brushed away what were actual red flags. I'm so so sorry this is happening. That's painful, but good riddance. You don't deserve to be treated this way. Ever. For whatever reason it is. Please revoke his access to your money, cards, home, ect. Block him everywhere. You need to take care and love yourself and your kiddo now 💚

I get where you're at. For now, you have to limit how often your gf is around your parents. Try not to meet often at your parent's place as they're toxic and they will be encouraged to disrespect her more. If they try to be nasty, stand up to her and let them know that the least they can do is be courteous in their own house with the people you love. Edit: don't be too conflict avoidant. It's normal as an adult to clash with your parents. It's sometimes part of becoming your own person. It's okay if they get upset when you stand up to yourself and your gf. They owe you both respect (and a lot of apologies...)

She's right on so many levels. You can't keep someone hanging like that. Communication is key to any relationship's success and you need to be straightforward with what you think/want.

Do you ever defend her or do you behave like your father and just roll with it? Cause that's the bigger part of the problem. Do you stand up for her? You need to have a private adult conversation with your parents. You tell them what you wrote here and how you feel disappointed by their horrible attitude. Tell them that you value your gf and if they value you too, then you they need to get their act together. I'm curious to know too.

How old are you guys? Early/late 20s? You need to slow your roll. You can't know someone and see how perfect they are for you from 4-5 dates. It takes time to observe and learn about someone's character, aside from listening to them describe it theoretically. Anyways, have that open convo with her and see what she'll say. She might have been seeing other guys, and in this case off you go. You stop wasting your time. Yea, that's the weirdest thing I've seen. Instead of being open about his intentions up front, he acted sort of passive aggressive about it. It's even kinda controlling. Red flag on OP. That and asking her to answer the phone, another passive aggressive move.

You need to muster the courage to take care of yourself and walk away too. He is is what he is and he enjoys controlling you. You can't change that, but you can walk away and live a happy life.

Absolutely. OP if you live with him, totally walk away while he's not at home. Ask a friend to help you pack and leave. Make sure to get the most necessary items to make sure you never need to go back there. And, have a plan to stay somewhere he doesn't know and tell your people to block him or pretend they know nothing. Sometimes, you have to leave when the other person is not around. If you do it when he's around, it can require a lot of strength for you emotionally to leave. The same applied to me with my ex. As long as he was around, he'd block the door physically and he'd block me mentally from leaving by using different manipulation tactics. Enlist the help of friends and family to have your back and ensure you don't go back to him 💚 I'm sorry it's like, but you need to take care of you and free yourself to a better life.

Next time he comes near you, tell him you'll call the police. If he persists in showing up near your place, consider getting a restraining order. What a pos. He's doing all this because he thinks he can break you so that you go back to him. He's even using his daughter as guilt card. How low. Good job on standing up to yourself. Keep blocking him everywhere and whenever he sends a message/email, don't bother reading it. You need to heal and move on.

You need to break up and NOT allow for discussion. If you don't live together, break up over the phone or in a public coffee shop. Tell him very briefly that this isn't working for you and it's over. Get up and walk away. Block him everywhere and tell all his people you don't want to hear about him anymore. You need to do this in order to support yourself in moving on from him. He is toxic and does not respect you. You owe him nothing. You just need to use that little strength you have to go through it and block him. If you have a trusted friend or sibling, ask her to be with you and to make sure you break up with him. Keep in mind that he begs you back because you act like a doormat despite the cheating. He insists you don't break up because he wants the easy gf benefits you provide like sex, intimacy, listening to him, helping him in the house, ect. But that needs to stop. You cut that at the source. You stop allowing someone to use your kind heart. You're worthy and can find a quality partner.

That is extremely poor communication. Yikes. You want to talk about an intimate topic via text?? And you want to question her orgasms via texts?! That's the easiest way to NOT get an honest answer and to put her on the defensive side. What you need to do is to find a comfortable time to have this discussion face to face. Tell her that you enjoy having sex with her, compliment her and then ask her if and how she enjoys it too. Ask if there are things she'd like you to do so that she can enjoy herself more. Listen and show her that you're willing to try new things for her. You've been physically intimate, so you can carry an intimate convo. If she doesn't suggest anything, then you either realize you're not compatible or you accept it for what it is.

Now that I read more of your answers, I can see more where you're coming from. I'm more on the side of @smackie9 and @Cherylyn when it comes to dating. I like to be courted and I like a man with a plan. It's the little things that show their character. There's no right or wrong about this. I see that you are aware that you are indeed materialistic in some way. You have x income and have a certain lifestyle. You'd like to find a man that matches that. I get it and there's nothing wrong with that. Though, I'm definitely not moving to Southern California soon after reading all those horrible dating experiences! Any chance you can date less rich or outside of that area? Or maybe date from your social circle? (friends of friends). Maybe, because you're so focused on the material things, you've attracted men who are the same? Have you considered that? Instead of just looking for the matching $, look for character, having a good time/laugh, ect. Moreover, try not to stay too long with men who show you who they are from day 1 and expect them to change. If he's 50/50 on dates 1-3, chances are he'll be like that all the way. That'll help you screen out quickly the ones who don't match your criteron so you can waste less time on wrong matches (like that 8 months guy).

She's toxic and you should keep your distance with her. Keep info sharing to a minimum and accept that this is all she can give. I would give a heads-up to your bf regarding your relationship with your parents, if you haven't done so already. And, if you still want to go to that dinner, keep it short and leave early. I'm sorry it's like this.

Understood. Then maybe give it some time and try opening up to friends?

I'm sorry you've been through this. I can't imagine the pain. Have you considered unpacking to a therapist or at least speaking to a friend about it? In my opinion, bottling it up does not help you heal. It's the opposite. It's as if you're a cooking pot with simmering content, but you are keeping the lid on. As long as you don't open up to others, all of what happened will stay in your mind as you ruminate and try to make sense of it... Until it becomes too difficult as you are struggling now and the lid breaks/falls. Talking to a friend would be a very good start. I advise therapy because you mentioned this isn't your first time in such abusive relationship. The right therapist will help you understand the mechanism as to why your stay in abusive relationship and they'll give you tools to do things differently and unblock you. I say this as someone who has been in your shoes and have endured an abusive relationship for years. Once you start appreciating your worth and develop self-confidence, you will attract similar partners and you'll steer away from toxic people at the earliest sign of a red flag.

You have a good point. What stood out to me is that despite the many red flags, her focus in the post title and question is on the whether he's cheap. It's as if she's willing to put up with BS as long as he flexes his money(not happening in his case though).

You're not. Don't question yourself by going out on a couple of dates with a stranger. You need to have a better sense of self and confidence. And please don't be naive about his intentions. He wanted sex for free delivered by you on your own car expenses and own time. What a pos. Raise your dating standards and learn to leave when you see the slightest red flags or turn offs. Over analyzing him only wastes your time.

See, he's so persistent and he's trying to convince you out of your feelings!! Major red flag. Disrespectful selfish sicko who won't take no for an answer. Also, the moment he invited you to his place on the second date you should have declined the whole second date and blocked him. Yes, some men need to be blocked. I'm pretty sure he has a hard time finding a woman who will put up with his act, so when you keep channels of communication open to him, he goes for it. Add to that, he's just off about money, where you ate the first date, ect. He doesn't sound appealing at all. Another red flag for you to run. You don't need to check how red is his red flag. It's really bad. He's selfish, inconsiderate, and he just left his gf hanging elsewhere as if she's some possession who will wait on him. Stingy, selfish, inconsiderate, looking for sex on the second date, ect. You tell him nothing. You owe this guy nothing. Just don't be naive and fall for his BS excuses/chat. He's an adult and he knows very well what he's doing including making you feel uncomfortable regarding your own feelings and decisions which is a major major red flag. I imagine this is the kind of guy who will not take a NO in the bedroom once he has you there, and that is a scary situation. Block and delete him asap. Like, right now. Learn to cut the bad apples at the soonest sight of red flags 👍

This is not a healthy dynamic. He has a role in this, so pause on your self-blame for a bit. A normal healthy person does not respond back with insults. Also, he's old and set in his ways. Most people after they hit their 40s-50s become set in their ways. I would personally find his response upsetting and disrespectful. I would not put up with that and I would leave. You cannot be in a long term relationship with someone who does not respect you. You also cannot walk on eggshells for the last decades of your life. Try to stop believing in what he's saying. Stop on succumbing to your self doubts. Stop your nagging if there's any. He is part of the problem here, and I'm afraid no matter how you raise a comment/question, you will be met with the same insults. It's just a toxic relationship dynamic, and the insults are just the tip of the iceberg. Reflect on whether this is the type of man and relationship you want for the rest of your life. If you don't live together, it'll be easier to cut ties and live in peace.

Just for some context, how old are you? How long have you been together? Do you live together? Correct. He's doing that to you. The way he's reacting to you does not sound healthy at all.

You gave him sex on the second date. It was so easy to get you in bed. He got what he wanted and left. Easy 🤷‍♀️ Next time, don't sleep with someone before you get to know them, trust them, and you are at least exclusive. Just think of it as a fun sexual experience, and next time don't be in a rush to share your intimate body with a stranger. Take your time, look out for red flags, check if they are actually caring and thoughtful, ect.