Throughout our relationship I was the main issue, I abused him both emotionally and physically. Never to the point where I gave him a black eye, but I did scratch him as self defense since he was trying to break my phone and throw my purse out of the car. He did a lot of damage to me as well, I do have BPD and it’s very bad. But I was the main problem cuz I would start the fights and I realized there were mostly bad moments than happy ones. I am on medication but unfortunately my BPD is very bad that I can’t afford to forget my pills. So last weekend I forgot to take them because I had to take my other pills for my digestive system. And I was rushing out of the door to drive to his house before he got mad at me and for some reason I felt angry when I arrrived there & I never said Hi I just basically rushed in. He got very very angry at me and hurt my stomach and insulted me badly kicking me out of the house. Then he said he will press charges on me, but if I give him oral sex he wouldn’t. So I gave him that and he didn’t but then I was thinking to myself how much I want to date him again and I’m just being used for sex since i have no self esteem. I refused to have sex and he was giving me oral sex back and I checked my phone and my friend sent me something funny he said “F-You you don’t just start laughing when I’m giving you head” I apologized and told him what happened. He told me to leave his house as he forcefully grabbed my arms and pushed me down the stairs. When I got down I was crying a lot and begging him to calm down. We hugged and I said I will miss you, he said he will miss me a bit as well. Then I couldn’t stop crying as I was driving back I kept texting and he told me to leave me alone that we are forever done and he stopped caring about me months ago and was only with me because he was horny. He said I will never be a quality girl. And that I am the most ugliest person ever. That made me feel like crap, I talked to my therapist but it didn’t help I feel it gets worse talking about him. Then after so many messages he tells me “I am blocking you now, kill yourself, you’re a loser for wanting to give me a xmas gift when you’re gonna be blocked weeks before xmas” Then stupid me messaged him again today begging for him to talk to me. I can’t stop texting him, messages still show as delivered so he never blocked me. But why won’t he just block me if he doesn’t reply to me.
