DarkCh0c0

100% It's all projections to get the easy way out. Such attitude does not support finding a healthy partner nor the enjoyment of the dating process. That's applicable for both men and women.

I'm the same. I think a good majority of us agree with your pov. The people I know who trash the other gender are projecting from their own bad experiences and making generalisations. It's easier for them to trash all men than admit that their picker is off, they like bad/frat boys, their standards are low or even they are just toxic people by themselves.

There's no right or wrong. If I meet the person irl and they asked for a dinner date, then why not? Online is a different story because I didn't get that first impression before saying yes. But hey, it's fine to go to the restaurant too. I try to look it at it positively: I met with a stranger, we had a good meal, a good chat, and I feel X about it". The guy must be screaming red flags for me to leave a date very quickly. I've had 3 hour coffee dates with people I've never seen again, just like I've had 3 hour chats on planes with people I've never seen again. And if we happen to click, more hoorey!

OP, a healthy person would not call you names if they are upset about something. They would not have a go at you or use you as a punching bag to communicate with you. They just would not. They would instead communicate in a healthy way and encourage you to speak your truth. They would say something like: "Sweetheart, the kitchen looks a bit unkept today. I'll pick that up/ Do you need help with that?/ect." On another note, ofc his parents are defending him. They probably don't want to deal with him, so they're gaslighting you, lying to you, and telling you falsely that "he's not that bad". They probably don't even like to admit to themselves that they have an abusive son. But trust me, he is abusive to them too behind closed doors. You need to congratulate yourself for breaking up with him for good. You broke that vicious cycle. Now use every strength you have to not communicate with him and not look back. Time and distance will heal. Keep it up with the book readings!

Well, if it helps, your mom's love for her will be conditional too. No one is exempt. Your mom and the new girlfriend are in the honey moon phase. The gf is new. Your mom is welcoming her and trying to leave a good impression in the interest of keeping your brother around and pleasing him. Once that honey moon period fades (6-18 months), she won't be going out of her way to please her as much as she does now. Plus, your mom is your mom. That's never changed and won't change. Your mom fed you when you were a child, changed your diapers, paid for your school fees, took you out to places, and so on. That person didn't get any of that and won't get the most of it. That jealousy is for nothing. Your mom is yours. The gf has her own parents to worry about. Exercise, dance, or do anything to shake this off. Your mom is yours. And if this is so triggering to you, then please consider therapy cause there are obviously childhood issues going on here that most of us strangers on the internet can't solve for you.

Brilliant analysis!

But how present in your life was he on a daily basis? If I understood correctly, your mom was the main parent and he was away at work most of the time? So even though he was good, he wasn't around much. He was absent. And even though your dad was nicer than your mom, remember that by staying with her knowing her abusive behaviour, he enabled her and showed YOU that it's okay to stay with someone like your mom. It's okay to be a good person and stay with an abuser. It's okay to turn a blind eye to terrible behaviour or even enable it. That could be the key part of your dynamic. And if you liked your father, then you're acting like him in seeking and staying with a partner similar to your mom, only (falsely) hoping that it turns out better or different for you and your inner child. That's some food for thought. Now the way forward is understanding your inner process a bit with a therapist, but also learning how to break some old patterns/create new ones. Maybe you'll realise that you've rejected potential men that didn't fit your regular profile, and you'd give them a chance. And having the increasing self worth to walk away early from men similar to that ex will come a long way in helping you find a great partner.

I do think he's got a point though. You keep going to back to men who give you something familiar. That familiar is the same type of love you've experienced growing up. It's the abusive love-ish. You are attracted to it and seek it because that's just what you know. You don't know what healthy love is, so it's unfamiliar. We as humans like to steer towards the familiar, rather than unfamiliar. But by doing so, we limit ourselves. It's only natural that you find yourself with such trend of men with a repeating pattern. Anyways, you're doing very well in spotting this trend in your life. The only way forward is better. Therapy is great. I also recommend looking up hypnotherapy/RTT on YouTube. There's some good stuff there too.

I actually think you've done well on your own. You made the right call to end it and protect yourself. You may have wanted some validation or assurance from us considering it's a bit of an unusual situation. Totally okay. But you pulled it off like a champ. Sending you lots of love ❤️ you got this.

Touché. Well said!

I just saw your message. I do believe they can change. The issue is that abuse is not something that changes overnight. Even 4 years can be not enough... And it's not to be taken lightly. I have a parent who stopped physically abusing us. They did. They stopped. It's been years. But the emotional and mental abuse is still ongoing, and when that parent doesn't get their way, they are tempted to get back into physically abusing us. They sometimes even threaten us with it jokingly. And as usual, the parent that is abusive is a funny social person in public. People (who don't know them beyond acquaintance level) see them and tell me and my sibling "oh you're so lucky to have them. They're so nice". This is all because the bs goes on behind closed doors. The same applied with my ex... "Oh he's a nice guy. How could you leave him like this?". And my ex didn't reveal his abusive side until after we moved in together 1 year in. When you saw your ex on that last date and you felt inadequate and as if you see him in a different light, those were your feelings of fear and they are valid. You sought to protect yourself. I'm glad you trusted yourself on this one and let him go. The risk is too high, and sweetie you are worth more. You are worth better. You are worth it.

@rainbowsandroses how long has it been since his last assault? Approximately? I'm going to be honest here. My opinion comes from a myself having had a past similar to yours: you've done the right thing. Yes. You've done the right thing. You're just healing and realising you were in abusive relationships, so this tells me that you are/could still have good victim signs for abusers. You're not in the best position to put yourself in such a risky place and hope for the best. It's better to preserve your heart and mind atm and work through your abuse + love relationship. I would focus on being single and healing for a couple of months. He may have changed, but you don't need to be the one to test drive this car which can crash. It's too much risk for your emotionally and physical health. With your relationship to abuse atm, you might even find it harder to leave him once you're attached in deep. Abusers usually reveal their abusive acts slowly. If they were to suddenly lash out at you, then it'll be obvious for you to leave. So they reveal themselves slowly and manipulatively. The more you love and admire them, the more they know you won't leave even when they start pulling bs. You've done well.

He's got mommy issues 😂 I think the same too. I think when women mature they look so beautiful and wise.

My best advice as a fellow expat is: you will learn once you get there. Don't worry about it now because no amount of text that you'll read will be enough to describe things on the ground. Have fun. Make friends and acquaintances. And then ask/experiment with the dating scene there. As for the city, every city has an area that doesn't sleep. Cities anywhere have good and less good areas. Explore and you'll see for yourself. You'll be so busy setting up your life in the first few months (finding/furnishing an apartment, working and adapting to a new job, learning cultural differences, learning how and where to pay bills, run errands, finding the best commutes, ect.) that dating won't be your immediate priority anyways. Once you understand better how the locals think on a daily basis, dating will get easier. Having local and expat friends will help you for sure. They will be able to give you better and recent advice once you land there.

@mylolita @MrMan1983I agree too with how picky we can be. I got a book called "Sis, Don't settle" a good time ago , and because of it, I laid out a list of must haves. I had 40+ items of must-haves. And the author was insisting that we shouldn't settle until Mr right meets most/all of them. Then come to find out, she just married at the age 40 2 years ago and just had a kid. Married just 2 years ago (or 3 by now)! I wasn't sure if I could trust such advice from someone with no proof of long lasting marriage. And she is the one to give advice on navigating relationships, maintaining them, ect. So yea, being too picky is shooting ourselves in the foot. I learned to relax more, but preserve my deal-breakers. @Batya33 I kept remembering you while reading the book as the author kept mentioning being Ms Right to meet Mr Right! 😄

It's indeed sadly like this in many countries :( My manager in the UK was demoted while she was on maternity leave. Instead of coming back to a higher position (almost director level, from being a C-team member), they gave her a lower position and she was harassed by her new male manager for using the breast pump privately during office hours!. Separately, I had an employee in my home country who was thankful to get a job at a place where the general director literally told her he'd only hire her if she agrees to not be an employee during her maternity leave so that he doesn't have to pay all the extra insurance and tax fees. She got hired as a contractor, and then switched to FT employee after she came back from maternity. This stuff sucks. It's a steep price to pay. And men rarely get paternity leave. Sigh... Topic for another thread I suppose.

On that topic, here's some humour on dating strong independent women from 0:44 to 1:25: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=79UUL2DYlms&pp=ygUmcmFjaG1hbiBibGFrZSBjb21lZHkgaW5kZXBlbmRlbnQgd29tZW4%3D

What?! Are saying men don't fall head over heels when I tell them how full my calendar is? 😄 There's some truth of course to what Lolita says, but not everyone is able to get married early AND to the right partner. Lots of people are divorced or busy with life. That's doesn't make them loose all their value by 30. Thank you Kwothe 🥰 it's good to be briefly back. Are you married or single?

Aiiaiaiii I agree with you regarding the topic of oppression, but the above is cruel. So if you haven't found the love of your life by your 30s, you've got little sexual value?? We might be more fertile when we're in our early 20s, but we live in modern times where finding the love of our life and making children is not as straightforward as it used to be due to career, finances, personal baggage, ect. We can't lump sum and value women just by their fertility. It's non-sense.

@mylolitayour stories give me hope. Thank you so much for sharing. @yogacat let us know if you are courted again anytime soon😄

Ah yes. I should have said "happy" rather than happier. Your cases and theirs are also very good examples of young and strong love. Lolita's too.

I think very picky people marry later, but are happier in the long term? Think George Clooney and Amal? They got married so late (at 40+) and had children also late. Or is it just a matter of the right timing and luck? Idk...

@mylolita do you have both parents and grandparents in happy ever after marriages? You guys have it in the genes. I'm jealous 😄 I don't know if this correlates with how happy the offspring marriages are 🤔 In my case, they are not good marriages on both my parents' sides and for my parents. And sadly, me and my sibling have had some pretty toxic first relationships. I'm steering away from them thankfully. Even my father comments on how much I attract attention from men, so I'm doing something right! But it seems marriages go better if we have a cute love story from a grandparent...?! Just a theory!

Indeed! It's still ongoing in the bars and clubs to this day.

So how did things end between you two? Did he stop showing interest and took you for granted? Or was it something else? I think the courting is nice, but in small doses. The more we know each other and care about each other, the more there is courting. And vice versa.