Unluckyinlove

My ex made contact with me yesterday. We have this mutual friend which I have mentioned. This friend told my ex about some questions that I had. My ex felt that if I still had any questions that I should ask her. I politely explained that I didn't want to talk to her so that is why I didn't ask. I told her that I told our friend that I wasn't going to ask anymore questions about her. All in all a pretty nice talk. I'd seen her the day before at the hospital and we both thought it a bit awkward. She said she had tried to make eye contact with me and thought I was uncomfortable. I told her only a little, but that I had tried to do the same and that she only looked my way a couple of times. What was awkward was that I wanted to hug her and tell her it was nice to see her. Our talk only confirmed what I knew. What she did was hard, but she had to do it. She feels good about the decision to breakup as she just doesn't love me. I could still rationaize the reasons why, but why? It's over. I still want to pick up the latest "how to get her back" guide, but again why? I realize that all of our situations have some similarities, others none at all. Even those with similarities are not the same. Each case between two people are unique. I understand the concept of NC and helping to move on. It will not in my case ever change anything with her. One friend that I have that is a woman swore up and down that my ex was lying to me about everything and that she was game playing. She doesn't even know my ex, all she could go on was her own experiences. I'm not stupid, my ex could be lying about a lot of things as far as her feelings for me and how I'm supposed to be everything she was looking for, less that "something missing" I've been in relationships where that "something was missing" so although it hurts, I understand it. If I had been smart I would have asked more about what it was she wanted from the relationship. Looking back, I think she wanted a friend to be there, and for the sex. No that's not true. I think initially she liked the relationship for what it was and tried to have the same feelings I had, but it wasn't there. The sex was great no question, but that wasn't just what the relationship was about. Again, unless she was lying, she said that I was the most amazing, giving lover she had ever been with, and she said that BEFORE we split. The biggest thing for me is misinterpreting her actions. She said yesterday that she was just an outgoing, physical type person and she just liked to touch and be touched and she's just that way. She said she liked being with me, enjoyed my company, enjoyed the sex, but she didn't long to be with me when I was gone. Whatever, it's over and it's time for me to move on. I've appreciated all of the advice here, although I've really had to sift through it and apply it to my situation. I think it's time for me to handle this alone now. I'm not going to contact my ex for awhile, but we both still want to be a part of each others life. Some may say she just wants me around in case the next guy dumps on her, so be it. If nothing else we did become friends in our relationship and we do care for each other. I won't allow myself to be an old shoe or rug. This friendship will have to go both ways or it won't be a friendship. All I can say to you naysayers out there is this. In any other case I would have told her goodbye and meant it. If you don't want me, then I don't want you. You may think I'm weak and perhaps thats true, but she is without a doubt the most amazing woman I have ever met. I look forward to the time when I'm over her and we can talk on the phone or see each other and have it be warm and friendly with no more hurt. In fact the warm and friendly hasn't gone away. We managed to laugh and talk just like we always had for the most part. In the meantime, I am going to pick up some books about relationships so that I don't find myself in this positoin again. If I learn nothing from this than I will be apt to repeat the same mistake, and I don't want that to happen again. Take care all. I'll be checking in to see if anybody has any comments. Should I mess up and fall into her trap again, perhaps I'll be back. But I think it's time to grow up a bit, handle this like a man and work it out with people who care about me, who know the situation better. Last bit of good news. I reactivated my online profiles on some dating services and a good friend is trying to hook me up with somebody. I'm not going to wait for my ex as there is nothing to wait for. I already know that if she finds out about me dating it won't matter so why long for her when it truly is over. Sorry so scattered this morning, many thoughts and emotions running pretty high. I will survive this, you will survive yours and we will all live to love again, believe!

Ya know, I would like to cry I really would, but I just can't seem to. I'll sit here and get teary eyed, like when I just read your post, but I just can't cut loose. Maybe I just can't face it that's it over and if I cry I will be admitting that. The emotions are such a roller coaster. I read your post and know you are right. I read another post suggesting that there may be hope, albeit slim and I get all feeling good again. The only chance I would ever have would be off in the distance when time and her feelings may give me another chance. I know it's not about me, it's where she is at and what she wants. I know though that is a dream and that it will never happen. I thought about going up to see my guy friends but that never accomplishes anything. It's nice to hang out, but they tend to drink a lot and I don't need to do that right now. I don't need to be around depressants like that. I need to be healthy and do healthy things for myself. I hope I go back and read these posts someday and laugh at myself for being this way as I know someone is out there who will appreciate who I am and what I have to offer.

Finally made it to the weekend, but this was a weekend without kids so we were supposed to be together. I am going to make myself go to the gym and work out and then go run some errands today, anything to try and occupy my mind. I found out that there is no ex that is still tugging on her heart, and that there was no "deal breaker" as described by someone. Through a mutual friend, my gal said that everything about our time together was great and that I neither said or did anything to cause the split, other than my feelings for her and her lack. Apparently she "tried" to have the same feelings for me but couldn't. I'm still puzzled as to why she would have to "try" at this point. The relationship was still in it's infancy. I'll never figure it out and I know I should let it go, but I do know that my gal basically married her first love and was with him for 15 years. I'm only the 4th man she has ever been with. I know she has strong feelings for me, but could it be just a case of being scared and still wanting to see what's out there? I'm still not going to contact her. It was very hard last night as we have a friend in the hospital and I wanted to talk to her very much about it. She really was my friend folks and I miss her. We would chat and email several times a day, everyday. Our mutual friend thought that given time and some dating time that my gal might see what we had and come back. I'm doubtful, but part of me really wants to do NC as long as I can and then just subtley, after my emotions are more in check, see where she is at. Her birthday is in May, and if I haven't heard from her by then, I thought I'd still send just a simple "Happy Birthday" email and just let it go at that. I don't know, I feel a little better today, but each day brings it's ups and downs. I wish I hadn't mistaken her affection for me as something more. She made love to me like no one else and our time spent together was always affectionate. Sometimes while I was driving she would just take my free hand and hold it and carress it, I loved that. We'd sit on the couch and watch tv and just be wrapped up in each other rubbing and touching, it was amazing. After making love we would hold each other and talk and laugh. I just don't get it. Oh well enough, that just takes me back and I don't need to do that to myself. God, I hope I get over this soon.

Jeff, I've been reading your posts on the other forums, best of luck to you. Fortunately I was told how amazing and giving I was while we were still together, and after we had been together for awhile so I believe she was being truthful. I would like to think there is a fear factor in her rationale for not being in love with me. As our mutual friend said last night, it appears that she hasn't found the person she wants to spend the rest of her life with. Now does that mean she was scared and so she said something was missing, or is there really something missing. Damn, I was there and I didn't think there was anything missing by her actions towards me, but I've been mistaken before. Like I have mentioned, this was a very loving break-up. We were friends as well as lovers and I'd like to think this is hard on her too. I know she cares, but little good that does right now. Best of luck to you Jeff. I look forward to following your progress and wish you the best!!

shes2smart, I kept a journal when my wife left me and may again. I find I can accomplish the same here and get feedback at the same time. I hope to reach a point where I'm not here daily looking for something, anything, that will help me through this. I wish I was stronger, but the events of the last few years have really taken it's toll. This feeling is nothing like when my wife left. We were together 15 years and going through that was huge. This isn't the same mainly due to the lack of time involved. Yet at the same time, my feelings for this woman were passionate and true and the hurt is real. Trying to accentuate the positive. I know the time we spent was special to both of us and for at least a brief time this woman DID love me and I feel good about that.

Thank you cloe, Kind words from one so young. No, I don't really think there is any chance for us. I told her I loved her, she said she did too but later said she was feeling "conflicted" and needed some space. A day later she broke it off telling me that I was everything she was looking for, that I was wonderful, yet someting was missing. On a side note and for my ego she mentioned on more than one occasion that I was the most amazing and giving lover she had ever been with. Tough pill to swallow. Best of luck to you in your journey and I hope it all works out. I've been through this before as I said and after my wife left me I never thought I'd replace that love. Well then I met this new gal it felt like it was the first time, it was amazing. Whatever happens you and I and others here will eventually find the partners we are looking for and deserve!

I am working on day three after the break up and I cannot believe the roller coaster I am on. I mean I should, I have been through it before, but it seems so new each time. I thought that only being together for 7 weeks would soften the blow, but it still really hurts. NC is incredibly hard but I am NOT going to contact her. I replied to our mutual friend last night via email, and that will be the last time I discuss her with this friend. I feel so, naive and dumb for letting my emotions get the best of me and how I fell so deeply so fast for her. I have done a lot of reading and soul searching the last few days and wonder if this is all about her or an accumulation of things. For some background, I had colon cancer 6 years ago. I was cured but it took me a long time to heal both physically and mentally. During this time my ex wife checked out on me. I did not know it at the time but that was the beginning of the end. Three years ago, she admitted to an affair and left me. At the same time, my company was sold and I lost my job. I have spent the better part of the last 3 years getting myself back together. I went into a training program a year ago December. In February of last year, I was diagnosed with colon cancer again. It was an early detection again, but I had to go through the ordeal of that again, this time alone. I was not insured and I was in my training, and that happened. I recovered quickly from that and am again free and clear. I finished up my training program in October and was offered a job!! I had my first nice Christmas with my daughter in three years. Professionally my life was turning around. I had always dated so that was not a problem and I was happy with that. Nobody had turned my head and I was quite content to have "cuddle buddies" in my life. It was not until a couple of months ago I met my gal through an online dating service. Living in small area she actually knew who I was, new my ex and we had a mutual friend. She initially did not want to go out with me because of the weirdness of it all so I dropped it. About a week later I get an email from her at work, she also works where I work. She explained that she was just checking in to see how I was and explain again, why she did not want to go out with me. Well as it turned out she did and my attraction/connection to her was immediate. I let myself believe that after all that had happened and the way my life was going, that she was now here for a reason. Maybe she was and I have not figured that out yet, but right now, the fact that she is gone is very hard to deal with, if still only after a short time together. I wonder if I am still grieving over all of the things I have been through in addition to her loss. She seemed to be the final piece of my personal puzzle of being complete again. I have read all the posts I can. I know even with NC, my chances are slim. The only thing that NC will do is help me in the healing process. A girl I used to date suggested that I keep an open place for her should she want to return, but not to expect or even hope for that, good advice I think. Sorry for the long post, but I was told years ago that to find an avenue for my thoughts. Next to keeping a journal, this is the best thing that I can do. If it helps someone else than that is great. Again, any feedback from anyone out there would be appreciated. I know that I will be fine again someday. I want to get back on the horse so to speak and date, but at the same time that does not sound all that appealing. I've reactivated my profiles on a couple of dating services and a friend talked to a gal he knows about me, so hopefully I can get back out there and start to get over her. Thanks for the avenue to put down my thoughts. Sorry if you all find this a bore, but it sure helps to do this. The words just seem to pour out of my fingers.

Hi, As someone sifting through my own mess, I sympathize completely with you. Also looking at this from afar, her note didn't mean anything. Just that it had been a long cold winter and that she was lonely, not necessarliy for you, just lonely. I do know how you would get your hopes up though. Feel good in that she still cares for you, but if her reaction to your follow ups is an indication she does not want to rekindle your romance. Based on what people have told me, just a brief follow-up note telling her how great things are and how good you feel would have been sufficient to see if she then would reply without getting your feelings involved again. I feel for you. A year later and you are still wrapped up in her. Let her go my man.

Luciana, Responding to both posts. Yes my gal is VERY pretty but she is so not caught up in that. The material things while nice I don't think was a factor in our breaking up. I asked about that when we met and I asked again when she broke it off. So no, I make enough money, and I am good enough looking and the love making was wonderful. To your other point though. Yes, there may be some sick longing for a guy she knows it will not work out with. I asked her about it not long after we started dating. He's fairly prominent in what he does and lives far enough away and has a profession that is extremely time consuming. That is the reason she broke it off with him. Now based on what little she mentioned him, I could still see by the way she talked there was still some affection there even though she said it wouldn't work. He was younger, wanted kids and she was done with that. Still I couldn't help but feel the affection. Now was she far enough removed? perhaps not. Throw in everything I did so soon and it does sound like a recipe for the relationship going sideways. Now that you mention it, in addition to her fear factor that I know exists, her possible attachment to this guy could be part of the equation. He called one evening while I was there and she was out. I didnt' bring it up but all she had to do was check the caller ID when she got back to know he called. She was upfrong about him still calling occasionaly, but she said it was over. Well I guess if he's still calling, it's not over for him. Thanks for the added perspective. This was something I was a little incomfortable with, but wasn't going to push. She said it was over so I took her word for it. Now that you bring it up though, I wouldn't be surprised at all if this wasn't a factor, one that I honestly had thought about but didn't want to believe nor bring up.

Thanks for the post Jeff, You bring up some valid points. My gal did say at one time that her life was pretty full and that she was content after her divorce and a couple of relationships that didn't work. I knew coming in that her plate was full and that I would just add to that. Yes it could be that the companioinship is what she is/was looking for and that I filled that for her quite nicely. Then all I do is mess it up with telling her I loved her. I'd like to think as I've said before that had I not said anything that down the road she would have found in me what I found in her. I have a feeling that is unlikely though. You are right, people come and go in this journey. She is one that regardless of what has happened, for a brief moment, really made my life shine, and the time we spent will be a memory that I'll not forget. I do see the parrallels in our relationships Jeff. I wonder now if my lady has some unfinished business with the relationship she had before me and if that is part of why she backed off after the love comment? Like you and your lady I suspect me and mine will not see each other again and that hurts. This is a small area that we live in and we work for the same place albeit in different locations. I'm sure we will see each other again and I at least hope that the affection we have for each other will still be there and that we can hug and be friends still in that way. Thanks again Jeff, great post.

I guess this will be my online journal of sorts. Finally got some sleep last night and actually slept well. Woke up feeling pretty good this morning, but the more I think about it the more my mood starts to sink. At least I have had some rest and feel stronger about myself today. Yesterday was massive self-doubt and why? So ok the self doubt is still there to a point, and why, while still there isn't quite as strong as it was. I can analyse this to death but I have to take her for her word as to why she broke it off. The reasons many of you have given me do make some sense. I am not going to contact her. I don't know when I will. I think I will get an email from her in the next couple of weeks to see how I am doing. I do miss her very much. I miss talking on the phone, I miss her laugh, I miss everything about her. In my heart of hearts I would like to think that given time we can start this over and using some of the advice given here, see if she responds differently. Intellectually though, all I see is a woman who has made up her mind and is gone. Does the fact that she "cares about me deeply" and is "everything I am looking" help even though there is "something missing" give me a chance? I could use all the help I can get folks. Your feedback yesterday was very much appreciated. I never thought I'd come to a site like this to pour out my soul to anonymous people. I'm not sure I would have done as well if I hadn't. My friends while supportive are in different parts of the country or have families and their own problems so it's hard to dump on them. I'm somebody though that needs people around me when I'm hurting. Loneliness right now is difficult. I had my daughter with me last night and I didn't want to take her back to her mom's at the usual time. Just having her around to occupy my mind until I was tired enough to go to bed really helped. Anyway, I think I'll be here for awhile until I can get a grip on my emotions. I've been through a lot the last 5 years with my health, divorce, job loss, and now this and it really wears on a person. I'm not as strong as I used to be and each time I go through something like this it seems to just get more difficult. I know I shouldn't have put all of my eggs into her basket so to speak, but the way we met, the way we hit it off, the way it went until I said the "L" word all pointed in one direction to me, and it's difficult to accept that it's over. Part of me, once my head is clear and I can approach this with some distance would like to use some of the techniques proposed by Beec in the PM he sent me to try and see if I can restart this. I know you are looking at this from afar probably thinking what a waste of time, and it probably is, but I would kind of like one last shot. Maybe I need to accept that what we had and what she wanted was just a nice relaxed, uncomplicated relationship. It wouldn't be the first time somebody has wanted me just for the physical part of the relationship. To the gal who thought that maybe I wasn't that attractive, YOU ARE WRONG about that! OK, so I got this mornings short story out of my system. Any and all thoughts and feed back really are welcome and appreciated.

She didn't close the door on us seeing each other on a "friends" basis. We had planned a hike in the near future and she said to call sometime if I still wanted her to go. Just being nice perhaps? Scenario one is very likely. Once I said it, it was a nautural thing to tell her as it felt good. She said she liked hearing it, go figure. At this point I don't want to show up at Yoga, or anything else for that matter, it would just hurt, and I don't know when it wouldn't. I want to be some sort of friend to her in the future. What is missing here, is that we still care for each other, or that she "cares for me deeply" her words. Is it BS? could be, but I don't think so. I don't think she wants me out of her life, but that decision is mine right now. We could call and talk to each other about anything. I get emotional about things so perhaps I came accross as weak to her on occasion. But one thing she told me last night when I was mentioning that I should have done some of the things you all have mentioned. She said "don't change" "be yourself" "you are wonderful" and you don't have to play the game" One of the last things she said was that I was wonderful and that I am everything she is looking for, but that something was missing. I don't think it was missing until I said the "L" word. As I said previously, she liked where this relationship was going, and had I not said that I loved her, we would still be friends, dating, making love, everything we were doing before yesterday.

1. Very possible. 2. I said I loved her, deal breaker it seems. 3. Possible, an ex of hers would call occasionaly. She was honest about that. He's long distance so that has no chance to succeed, but I could tell by the way she talked he mattered at one time. 4. I know this is my ego talking, but the chemistry was there. The way we touched, carressed, made love, it was there. I'll try not to dwell on it, but how can I not at this point. It's like going through my divorce all over and the inadaquacies I felt. It's very possible that bottom line, she was not into me. She said she gave it a lot of thought and to her, she would never fall in love with me so why lead me on and hurt me more later? Perhaps that's true, perhaps it's part copout. Either way I think the handwriting is on the wall and there is nothing I can do that will change her mind. I don't think one can play these little games to manipulate her feelings back towards me. If someone has any experience in this I'd sure like to hear about it.

Is it beyond repair? I think it is done. I can stay away, see if she misses me etc., but I don't think there is anything I can do. My friend suggested checking in with her in a few weeks and see about going out. Laura (not real) said she would still see me on a friendship basis. That just tells me she is done and ready to move on. Anyway, she teaches yoga and I was going to her classes and he suggested I go in a few weeks, say "hi" and leave, not pursue her, but show her that I still wanted her, then maybe follow up with a lunch, or dinner and not touch or pursue any kind of physical contact and see if she does. I think that is a waste of my time to be honest. I'm not a quitter and I'm not quite satisfied with the way this went down. I don't know that you ever are. I think what you say about mystery has a lot of merit, and I know we were doing very well until the "L" word popped out of my mouth. I just wish now she hadn't said it back. For a day and a half, I was the happieset man on the planet. We made terrific love that night and Sunday. She was showing no signs of regretting what I said or what she said. I know not everything is as black and white as I'm spelling it out, but the reality is, we were GREAT until I said what I said, I have no doubts about that. I may be naive about some things, but at my advanced age I know this relationship was going down a good path. Muneca, as a woman I value and appreciate your feedback. Have I lost her for good? I really want to talk to our mutual friend tonight and get some feedback. She was sure my gal loved me but just needed some time. I'd like to know how she came up with that. If it's just something she felt or if my gal said something. This sucks! Some moments I do well and others I can't hardly breathe. This forum is great for letting the words just flow from my fingers!!

The chemistry was immediate. Our senses of humor, personalities, attraction, you name it was there from the get go. What was to be a Friday night date turned into an entire weekend of making love and talking, about everything. She had gone through the same type of divorce as me, our spouses cheated. We had/have a lot in common. It was just very comfortable for both of us. She felt safe with me, and me with her. I agree, I am going to leave her alone. I am going crazy now, but I know I can't contact her in any way. We parted very friendly, we hugged, kissed and she told me that I was the last person she ever wanted to hurt. Her friend is also mine and she has kept me posted on where this woman was intitially has been right on every time about her. What she told me last night is that she does love me but isn't IN love and never would be. Seems as though she came to that conclussion rather quickly considering what she had said before. If she is indeed scared I'm prepared to give her all the space and time she needs while trying to move on. I just have a gut feeling though that it's not about being scared, it's about not feeling the way I feel. It's funny, well maybe not, but she said that if I had not said anything that she was more than happy in the relationship and wanted it to continue on it's course. Three words and it's over? Color me stupid. Thanks for the kind words. I have a good support system which is helping. This forum is allowing me to put into words in a very therapuetic way, my emotions. Great poem by the way, thank you!