gypsybelle

Hi again, Well I tried to follow your advice, and although he just thought that I had a screw loose for suggesting counselling, he did (for a week) start to behave like a normal boyfriend, and it was great. He was happy and seemed more attentive. I had given him some conditions- that 1. we talk about things and problems properly, without blame. 2. That if he wants us to stay together he must show me some kind of commitment 3. Counselling. The first one seemed to be acceptable, and even the second one was Ok- we discussed the fact that I don't need him to agree to marriage staright away, but that I do want it (and he has said that he does too) and so we should get engaged. I was hoping that this would make him feel more secure, and show him that I want to be with him. Anyway- all was fine until Valentines Day. I made a huge effort- bought him a lovely card, wrote a romantic message in it, bought him a romantic CD, made a lovely meal, made a bath with candles etc... and he got me.... Nothing- not even a card. I felt really sorry for myself. All the way through our meal, he was on the phone to his friends and didn't take any notice of me atall. I was thinking that maybe he would realise, and treat me the next day- but nothing materialised. I felt that I had to ask him why he hadn't thought to get me anything - and his reply was that 'I didn't ask you to get me anything anyway- and I'm not getting you anything' He said that he definitly wasn't goint to get me anything being as I had now asked him about it. (although I hadn't mentioned it atall before and he didn't get me anything anyway). I explained that I had lied to my friends because I was embarresed when they asked me about Valentines day and whether I got a card or not. This didn't affect him atall. I feel bad for seeming so materialistic, but its not that- its just I thought maybe he would make abit of an effort- a card with a nice message in it would have done the trick- but its like he doesn't want to make any effort atall. Its like living with a cold fish. What do you suggest that I do now. By the way- he's not speaking to me again because of this! Many thanks Gypsybelle:sad:

Hi , Thanks for those replies, they do make sense, and maybe I am being a little hasty (although at the moment I just feel ground down by it all- and actually exhausted). I will ask him about seeing a counsellor together, but I know he will say no- because that would be like admitting he has a problem, and he never does that... and I don't think he ever will. I will give it a try though- and I'll let you know the outcome. Thanks again Gypsybelle

Hi all, again! Following on from my last post 'Twisting Everything', I think I have made the decision that our relationship needs to end. This has come about as I have tried and tried to cheer him up, to get him to understand that I love him etc... but he just will not snap out of his mood which he still continues to blame on me -'thinking that he doesn't trust me'. Instead of reassuring me that he does trust me, he seems to have taken it as a huge insult and will not say anything nice to me. (actually will not say anthing atall!) Last night I asked him (again) if he was happy with me. He didn't answer, so I said ' I love you alot and want you to be happy, so if that means that you leave me and and you'll be happy, then I'll be OK' I also said that I could feel that he was unhappy being around me and that I couldn't sense any positive feelings coming from him'. He then said ' Oh- so you WANTme to leave, you've said it so you must mean it!' I explained again that that was not what I had said, or meant... but he then just looked as if I'd stabbed him through the heart! This is after nearly a week of not speaking to me atall! My problem is, that he will now be at home (as we live together) blaming me totally for this and thinking that I am demanding that he leaves- which actually I am not. I do feel that we need to end our relationship, but I feel that he is the one that has destroyed it, by acting so strangly for the past month or so. But I know he will put it all down to me. How can I get him to understand/ admit that he has caused this and that it is the right thing to do, so that I don't have to feel guilt ridden for this breakdown? Thanks in anticipation of any advice. Love Gypsybelle

Hi again, A quick update. Well, he is still acting like I have destroyed our relationship, he's hardly speaking to me... infact he only speaks when I ask him a question. Yesterday I made him a lovely meal, which was ready for him when he got hone from work, and I'd also put up a venetian blind in the bathroom, a job which I'd asked him to do on Friday, but which he didn't. It took me ages to put the blind up, on my own, drilling holes, balancing the heavy wooden blind etc, and when he got home I showed him, and he didn't say anything. I tried to prompt him, saying 'have I done a good job? and all he said was ... anyone could do that! It really annoyed me, because it seems like he is determined not to say anything nice to me. Later yesterday evening I decided to ask him directly... I asked 'Are you happy being with me?' He said no( but not convincingly) I said 'are you pushing me to end things by acting like you have been? He said that he wasn't trying to get me to end things but he thinks that we need to think about whether we are good together. I don't know what to do... when he is being 'normal' we are great together, but I feel like I am having to tread on eggshells all the time incase I say or do something that puts him in a bad mood. I am also scared about being on my own if he leaves, and the guilt that I will feel, as I have my own house and he will have to live in a grotty place with friends. I know that we can't carry on like this, and I would love to make things work, but he won't admit that his moods and attitude are the main problem. What do you think I should do? What would you do ? Thanks Gypsybelle x

Hi all, Thankyou for your repsonses so far, it's really helping me to put things into perspective. Actually though he is 28- I'm sorry I must have made a typing error in my forst post! Sorry! I suppose that rules out the immaturity 'reason' though, but now I'm feeling abit sorry fro him beacuse I'm wondering whether he is really feeling insecure as suggested by Karvela. I'm not sure though whta else I can do to reassure him. I tell him I love him, I do everything for him, and we have even spoken about getting married. I got home from work and he has gone out, and there is no note replying to my 'apology' note this morning. I just know he's going to carry this on tonight- not speaking to me like I've really hurt him or something. Anyway thanks again for your advice. Gypsybelle

Hi all, My boyfriend is impossible! He seems to have the knack of twisting anything bad that he says into me saying something bad to him.... sorry thats not very clear- let me give you a couple of examples both of which happened yesterday.... I had to go to a conference yesterday in another town, when I told him where I was going he said... why are you going there you don't have any offices there? I explained that I wasn't going to on of my offices but it was with lots of people from other organisations so it was being held at a conference centre. He made some comment like Oh yeah... which was obviosly in a doubting way. (I must just add here that he has accused me before of not being at work when I actually had) This made me annoyed so I went downstairs and pulled up the confirmation email, which was evidence that I was booked onto the conference and it was going to be where I said it was. He then accused me of thinking that he doesn't trust me! and said that if I think things like that about him then our relationship won't work. Later yesterday evening, he said that his friend had asked how old I am- he said that he'd told his friend that I am 31 (I am actually 34. My baoyfriend in 28). This annoyed me, as he knows that I am sensitive about my age- as I am older than him, and I asked him if he was embarresed about me, and asked him if that was why he had lied to his friend. His response was to say that If I thought that he was embarressed by my age, then our relationship won't work! I explained to him why I might have come to that conlusion, but he didn't say anything to make me feel better, and he won't apologise for either of the things he said. This morning I wrote him a note saying that I was sorry for thinking that he didn't trust me and that I am sorry for thinking that he is embarressed about my age. Now I am abit annoyed with myself for apologising when I didn't do anything wrong- this does happen alot. I know that when I get home he will be acting like the one who has been hard done by and upset because I thought negative things about him..... ( even though I was only responding to the things he had said!) I am startting to think that he is making excuses to end our relationship, but that he wants me to be the one to end it. This could be a cultural thing, as he comes from a country where relationships are for life and you should 'choose wisely'. If he ends our relationship he will be admitting that he didn't do very well in his 'choice' and his family will be angry. What do you think I should do about this. I am getting abit fed up with having to be the one that aoplogises all the time, and for him always making me look like the baddie! Any advice would be very welcome! Many thanks Gypsybelle. x

Thanks Helen, You do talk sense. I'm glad that your Dad came round eventually- just goes to show that they were wrong to assume the worst in the first place! Thankyou again x

Hi Helen, He is from Kurdistan (Northern Iraq). He is not a practicing Muslim, and he is very westernised, but my parents have a very blinkered view of how they think he is ( although they have never met him) x

Dear all, I have a strange situation to deal with, and am not sure what to do for the best. Basically, I am living with my boyfriend, who is not English (I am). My parents really dissaprove, and have told me that they don't want to get involved atall. I went to France to see them, for a long weekend last week and for the whole time I was there they didn't ask me one single question about my life. It was very obvious that this had been agreed before I got there, but I was a disappointed that they were sticking to their guns so firmly. They have never even met my boyfriend, they have told me that they don't want to- so they are only basing their opinions on media hype. I love my boyfriend and we hope to marry next year and I hate the uncomfortable atmosphere between me and my parents. I sometimes try to tell my mum when phone her what we have been doing, but she never responds or shows any interest in it- she's only interested in what I have been doing on my own. I don't feel that I can broach this subject directly with my parents as it will cause arguments between the two of them, my father is very volatile, and I would not want to be responsible for causing their arguments. What would you do in this situation? By the way I am 34 years old... but feel like I am being made to act like a teenager! Please let me know what you think I should do. Many Thanks x

Hi again, Firstly I would just like to thank all that replied with advice on my previous posting. One of the replies told me to close my eyes and follow my heart. Sensible advice- so I did, My heart told me that I was still in live with my ex of 9 years and that I should give it another chance- put every effort into reconciliation and to forget our past mistakes and move on together. This is what he told me he wanted as he said that he still loved me. We met up last Sunday, and had a nice afternoon- just walking and talking. We left it that he was going to decide whether he wanyed to commit to 'trying again' put everything at this satge was really positive. We met up yesterday after work- when he was going to let me know what the plan of action would be when he gets back off holiday- as he is going this Friday. We had a good chat and we agreed that after his holiday we would meet up, and start going out- to build our relationship again. I left and was happy with that. I even text him to say goodnight. Anyway this morning I received a text from him saying that he cannot leave to go on holiday knowing now that he doesn't want the same things as I do so he thinks it fair to tell me that we should go our separate ways and move on. I called him as I was angry that he had only texted me, and he said that he just wanted to be free, and to do his own thing- and not' settle down' with anyone. I can sort of accept this but I am so disappointed, I feel stupid for trying to give us another chance- and I feel so sad that I cannot follow my heart. I know now that I must give up- But can anyone tell me how I move on . Thankyou Amanda

Hi Simon, You are right- I didn't go back to him straight away- thats what I regret. But I don't actually hate him for going with someone else, what I meant was that when I did go back, and we agreed to start a fresh, he continued to see this other woman, he did blatently lie about that, and I was under the impression that we were trying to make a go of things and move forward. There were other things aswell that also make up this point- and I don't mind about him seeing her now- as he told me today- but when we were together- in the full sense of the word- he was still seeing her- and thats one of the things I 'should' hate him for. As I said before though- I can't. Anyway- just thought I would clarify that point. Thanks for the NC advice- I will try it- but it will be hard- I have already text him earlier to apologise for upsetting him today.- He hasn't replied though. Believe it or not- I really do want to stay with my new boyfriend- but 9 years with my ex is hard to shake- and the sadness just won't go away.

Dear all, My heart feels like it weighs a tonne, and my mind is constantly straying to thoughts of regret. You see, I made a huge mistake when I left my boyfriend one year ago, but what I regret most of all is that when he begged me to return, I didn't go back to him straight away. I did eventually but by that time he had slept with someone else. I tried to forgive him, and moved back in to our joint home ( we had been together for 9 years). It was difficult and we had a rough journey, but on my side there was always hope... always hope until I discovered that he was still seeing this other woman. I couldn't stand it any longer and in March this year I moved out again. I have now met a lovely man- who is thoughtful, kind and loving.... but I can't help thinking of my ex. Every morning he is the first thing I think about. I miss him so much. Sometimes I contact him, and I know he still loves me. He was so hurt by me leaving the first time, he says that he only went with this other woman for revenge. I saw him this morning... and I ended up crying in front of him. He cried too and said that he still loved me. But he is still seeing her. He said that if i asked him to he would give her up and we could try again. I know in my heart of hearts that it won't work... too much water has passed under the bridge now, and besides I really want to give me and my new boyfriend a chance... My question is, how can I move on? and how can I stop comapring my life now to how it used to be ( in the good days) and how can I forget about my ex, when I know we could get back together if I wanted to? I do still love him, although I should hate him. The problem is that I remember the good times we had, and all the good things he did, rather than the bad ones. It might not sound like iot, but really I do want to move on- but I don't know how. Please can someone help me. Thankyou Amanda