thekillerbunny

I posted here about a year ago about a relationship that was broken up. Just to quickly summarize: Basically I dated this girl through high-school, went to college while she was in high school (she was a year younger), made it through the first year, she went to college the next year, she broke up with me (we were at the same college when we broke up) and I spent the next 6 months after that getting over it. I took a semester off of college. Things did get better, I moved on and started seeing others. Over this last fall I've been pretty free (we were at separate colleges). Problem is, she is now back on my mind. I haven't been in contact with her for 8 months now. Sometimes she sneaks into my dreams (that little deviless) and sometimes I miss her. I have gotten good at not looking at her pictures/our old memories. I do not see her, actually she's at school in Hawaii now, and I'm in Scotland. I am not in contact with her. I feel as if I want to contact her, but I'm sure it would be a bad idea... still the temptation is there. I don't know if she'd even reply. I currently have a gf otherwise, and it's the first month of our relationship, and the first proper relationship i've had since. I tried to give it as long as possible before starting another, and I really do like this other girl, it's far beyond a bounceback. She is aware that I am occasionally emotionally weak due to past pains, but I try not to have my past experiences affect my new relationship. I suppose I'm not really asking a question here... but can anyone explain why I'd be thinking about my ex again? On a level I do miss her, but on another, I know I'd not want to date her again. I feel like I'm ](*,)! Any sort of reply would be greatly appreciated... thanks!

Hey no worries marty. Scotland huh? I actually go to university over there. St. Andrews Sometimes you just have to make sacrifices to earn your space. My ex lives on my street Everytime I go by I have to shut one of my eyes so I can't see her car/house/driveway whatnot. Everyday I come home, I pass her house. I feel stupid doing it, but if I do it, I don't feel any negative emotions, just apathy. Good luck with the music though, that would be amazing if that took off for you. Rockstars don't need girlfriends But in all seriousness thats wonderful

I know this is hard, and it feels so right to just work back into it... but I don't think its right. The whole "firsts" thing I can most certainly relate to... and it feels special... but when it comes down to it... its not the end of the world. Sometimes you can't control things like that. Of course its hard to let go. Really, thats normal. Its INCREDIBLY hard to let go. But, if you can realize that that is the right thing to do... only then will you move on. You have to move on before ANYTHING happens. Even if (people will disagree with this notion, but some believe in it) you were meant to be, you have to get over the first relationship first, before you attempt a second. Either way, you have to do it. Good luck

This is a tough situation for you obviously, and it won't be easy at first. By any means. I strongly suggest not texting anymore, I know you said you were NC, but even if you get an urge, which you will, you just have to hold strong. Try to keep your mind on other things. Have "emergency" buddies, friends that will let you talk to them no matter what, or be there if you feel like you "have" to talk to your ex. To be honest, if this is how you feel, you could never actually be "just friends", because (this is just me assuming) you don't want to be just friends. If you don't want to be just friends, there will always be conflict, and its better off being in NC. Thats as far as I've gotten anyways. It takes time anyways either way. Try to keep your head up and keep up with everything that you do (being in a band sounds great). Remember you don't NEED her to be happy. You KNOW how she feels, and you CAN'T change it. So try try try to not rationalize communication with her. Your heart will try to convince you and think up reasons for you... when you just have to know to say no. I hope some of this helps, as it is simply a tough situation.

thank you marty! just being told to evaluate positive things helps and michelemybell, thank you for your post too, most people can give advice. i agree. Thank you for reinforcing that it takes time. I often lose faith in it because it seems to never work, but I will be patient. SMALL STEPS. This is what i'm missing. i'm trying to transform my life, really quickly, and just move.. but you can't do that. it has to be small so I don't get discouraged. Contact. I hadn't been in contact with her until 3 days ago. I have been more upset, and things haven't really gotten squared away which is what we wanted to do. She wants to be friends, I can't just be friends because I love her, she refuses any intimacy... I need to go back to no contact I think. I just hate the idea of putting the nail in the coffin. How can I justify it? She dumped me. Its just the final goodbye that is hardest, saying "I don't want to talk to you" and then not getting an email/call/AIM back. I guess... I don't know, what is the best way to do it? Thank you for your replies

"I'm hurt and angry, but I'm also jealous, because I don't even have any prospects for someone new." Oh dear do I understand what you feel like. I feel like I want to hate my ex, but I can't, because deep down I still love her. I hate to sound as everyone else does, but I most definitely have a level of empathy towards your situation. The whole thing of... healing before you find a relationship, when a relationship is all you feel like you need to feel better... its almost paradoxical. I guess we have to let things take their course, and in due time we will be whole again. I don't know from experience, as I am currently in the same boat of healing, but I hope that you do heal

I think it is very good of you to take that stance. I also think that it will help you realize things when you are away from her, but you need to be careful. Yes, the first two weeks are about making the seperation, but what you really want is not to just hold out, to actually indulge in NOT contacting. Not have it be tough, but have it be something you know you shouldn't do, thereforeeee you don't want to do it. Sorry thats confusing, but I guess what I mean is that deep down you still want to talk to her, and that has to change (i'm going through something similiar). This is a very good first step... realizing the problem. Now, it takes A LOT of hard work and motivation to keep it up. Because you will have a down time in the next two weeks, and, it will hurt like hell, but if you can just keep your chin up, not let the downward spiral happen, you will be proud and you will have taken a step forward. Most of all, good luck and I hope it works for you.

Ok, so I know this is very cliche. I broke up with my gf of two years last fall. I've been going through steps to get over her, and I have improved since then. I know it takes time, longer for some people, and that I should wait to have another relationship, but how do I deal with getting over her? I almost feel as if I don't want to... because that would mean that I was letting go of what we had. I guess what I mean is... sometimes I look to the future, and I get sad because I am not going to be with her... I can think about another person, but I can't get excited about it. There seems to be nothing to look forward to because I still think of her, and remember how we used to be. So, my desperate plea is... how can I live day to day, without this terrible feeling of suffering and lonliness? I understand I should try to make an effort to go out, and honestly, I do. I try to not actually be alone, and not to dwell on things. But it just seems as soon as I let my guard down, it comes creeping back in. Thats what bothers me. Its as if it is a constant battle and I'm just so tired of fighting it! When will this end? I just want to be normal about relationships again! How can I keep my head up, what can I look forward to, I guess I need someone with the experience of getting over a serious relationship... thank you for your time, I really do appreciate it.

Ok, so this is a bit of a long story, but I'll try to condense it as much as possible. Basically, I'm a guy, 19. I broke up with my first love last fall. I dated her for pretty much 2 years, and she is half a year younger than me, but a year younger in school. We had a wonderful first summer (Fell in love, whatever you want to call it). We had a long distance relationship for a year, and then I moved to her school (for multiple reasons, including to be with her, I won't deny that) and I thought things would be great. The typical happens, she wants her space, leaves me, and wham. I'm stuck. I take a semester out, I'm working just now, I've gotten over a lot of things, but I don't feel quite right. I really feel like I'm still missing something. That something in my life isn't just right... that I want that feeling of love again. Now, I know its bad to simple "need to be in a relationship". But I don't know any other ways around it. When I meet new girls, all I think about is starting to date them, and I get ahead of myself. It isn't even my ex that I'm missing, its the relationship. When we were dating, we started to develope codependancies which we both understand were wrong, and in my next relationship I really don't want that happen again... but its a negative cycle because the more impatient I get about having another relationship, the less likely I'm going to want to let go. And the more sort of, obsessive maybe? I feel very weird saying that, because it makes me sound like a nutcase, but perhaps some of you understand? I really have no idea what to do. I have gone out and made a good number of friends (they are wonderful, friendship most definitely helps) but there is still... something missing. This feeling will not go away. I actually started talking to my Ex again this week, and we hung out to talk. It made me feel a bit better because I felt less rejected, but I'm afraid that I will fall for her again. I don't want to hate her, but I just feel lost in all of it. What I've started to do, which, may or may not be good, but I figure it COULD be a way forward, is learn to get over my ex, actually being with my ex and talking about it. She is also upset that we broke up, and doesn't know what went wrong with us, and still cares, which is a good non-rejection feeling... I'm just afraid of falling for her, and her not me again. I should attempt to shead that fear if I'm going to move forward I think, its just tough! Anyways... I'm not sure what I'm asking for, I guess advice or any thoughts of what is going on. Thanks for reading