edougale

Dated and lived with same guy off and on for 15 yrs. Broke up about 18 months ago. Do not want to date anyone else. Taking me very long to get over this guy.

My ex is also dating another girl now and said he cares about her. He also said I could be friends only with him which I agreed to because I felt any time with him was better than no time. When I am around him, I try to be happy and upbeat but as soon as I leave him, I fall to pieces and cry like a baby. Just wanted to tell you this to let you know, this will not be a cakewalk for you. It is next to impossible to stay friends with someone you love as much as I love this guy. I am trying to convince myself I HAVE to stay away from him and not be just a friend. I know I will be in for a world of hurt once I stay away completely but I think it is the only way to keep ourselves from going totally insane. Just a little advice to you, if you see your ex on a friendship basis, it won't be good.

Orex.. I just wanted to write and say I feel your pain. I also am wanting to get back with an ex I have been with for over 10 yrs but separated from from over a year. He is seeing someone else right now. I keep telling myself also that there is hope but I am sure it is a false hope. I have been told on this board to leave him alone and I think that is the best advice but I live in gloom all the time. Try to go on with life but it is getting the best of me. As far as you calling her to take her out on her birthday, Nov. is a long way off. Alot can happen between now and then. Just take it a day at a time for now. She could have a complete change of heart by then or even have moved on to someone else. Who knows. There is not much we can do. Sometimes I wish we could will them to change. Only time will tell. Keep us posted.

Thanks for your input, DayWalker. You are right, I did not want to hear that (about letting go). I don't know that I CAN let go at this time. We had been together for several years and there is so much history there. He is so much everywhere in my thoughts in my daily life. If I ever get over him, it may well take years...

KittenGirl: I just thought by us being together, it would bring back the feelings he once had for me if he still loves me like he says he does. Then he would be more able to make a decision. But I guess you are right. It would be confusion and hurt for me. I am sure he would not even tell the other woman if he was even seeing me so that would probably make him resent me in the long run? Do you think staying 'friends' is okay? Clarabelle: How do you feel about your ex husband now? Have you moved on? I know you said just keeping you on a string is what made you lose respect for him in the long run. This is not the case with us as he did say he WON"T date us both. I was just wondering what would happen if he did but guess now I know. Did your ex tell you why he would not break it off with the other woman?

Just Plain Sad: I did not break up with him. We both decided to stop seeing one another, a mutual thing. I took that as having time apart to see if we would be happier just moving on or wanting to get back together after some time. LynnTex: What happened after you dated them both? Who did you stay with?

Thanks for the replies. I can see your points. He doesn't consider seeing me as 'dating' though. We are just talking and hanging out. She knows nothing about me. But I know about her. I don't think he would ever tell her either that I wanted to get back with him because then she would probably want to stop seeing him and he would feel like he hurt her for no reason. I am willing to stay in the sidelines and wait because I really do not want to date anyone else. He knows how I feel so I figure maybe just playing the waiting game for awhile would be okay. If he shows no signs of wanting to start something up with me, then I will know for sure I guess. But wouldn't you guys want to find out which one you would be more happy with? I am just afraid if he continues to see her much longer, he may end up falling in love with her. If I am in the picture, maybe he won't?? Or would it make any difference?

I broke off with my ex about a year and a half ago. He started seeing someone else 6 months ago. I've posted here before. I moved back into same apt. complex as him about a year ago and we are still friends. I told him I still love him and would like to get back with him but he said he is seeing someone else now and would be hard to date both of us at the same time. He obviously will not break it off with her and I dont expect him to. I am just asking for equal time as her so he can sort out his feelings and see which one of us he would rather be with. He said he is not in love with her but he cares about her alot. (What does THAT mean?) He said he still loves me and always will because we spent years together. He spends every weekend with her so I can't get to first base with him on the weekends. He said I can come over to watch a movie, dinner or whatever sometime during the week. (He doesn't see her at all during the week) but he said he cannot get involved with me as far as sex, kissing,etc because that would be cheating on the other one. Can I get an honest opinion from the guys out there as to why you wouldn't want to date two women at the same time? What would you do in my predicament? What is the best way to handle this?

1) 15 yrs (off and on) 2) alittle over a year 3) communication problems 4) he's 50, I'm 55.

Eve, I want him back because I still love him very much. Since being apart for months, I thought that was my "stepping back to look at the situation". We stayed in touch and were 'friends' while we were apart. In the last couple of talks we have had (recently), he said he has "changed" in some respects and not like he used to be as far as being so demanding, controlling, etc. He said he finally woke up and realized that's not what it's all about. I also have changed in some respects. The previous times we split up were due to things we have overcome since. We are both older and wiser now. These 5 times I am talking about breaking up were over a 15 yr period and some of them only lasted a week or two. The thing that bothers me is he says he cannot turn back the clock. So does this mean he is completely done with me as far as a relationship goes? Thanks, Eileen

This is part of a post that I posted to another thread: edougale Novice Joined: 03 Aug 2004 Posts: 5 My ex and I have broken up and gone back together about 5 times. It's always good in the beginning but all the old patterns, hurts, resentments seem to creep back in. Then we are back to square one. We have now been apart for about a year and a half and my ex has moved on and has been seeing someone else for about 6 months. I wanted to get back together since we had spent so much time apart and I realized all my wrongs (and his, too) and asked myself a zillion times, "Why didn't we go for counseling and try to really work on the problems?" I thought it would work this time if we could get back together but like I said, he is already wrapped up in someone else and it is tearing my heart out. He lives a few doors down from me so I have easy access to him and I do pop over about once a week to "talk". He said he does still love me since we spent YEARS together and went through alot but it was time to move on since he said if it didn't work out after 5 tries, it never would. This is killing me. I want him back so bad. I know he may look all the more appealing to me now that he has someone else but I don't think so entirely. I wanted him back before I found out he was with someone else. My question for this thread now is how do I go about trying to get him back? He does still love me and said he cannot see me on a 'dating basis' for 'right now' (whatever right now means) because that would mean 'cheating' on each of us if he continued to see both of us. What can I do to make him realize he should dump HER and start seeing me instead? I just don't want it to go too long to the point where he DOES fall in love with her and it guarantees he will NEVER want to see me again. I feel I have somewhat of a chance to get him back at this stage but I dont' know the right way to go about it. I don't want to nag him about the other woman or it will push him further away. But I do want him to know how much I still love him. Any suggestions appreciated. Thanks, Eileen

My ex and I have broken up and gone back together about 5 times. It's always good in the beginning but all the old patterns, hurts, resentments seem to creep back in. Then we are back to square one. We have now been apart for about a year and a half and my ex has moved on and has been seeing someone else for about 6 months. I wanted to get back together since we had spent so much time apart and I realized all my wrongs (and his, too) and asked myself a zillion times, "Why didn't we go for counseling and try to really work on the problems?" I thought it would work this time if we could get back together but like I said, he is already wrapped up in someone else and it is tearing my heart out. He lives a few doors down from me so I have easy access to him and I do pop over about once a week to "talk". He said he does still love me since we spent YEARS together and went through alot but it was time to move on since he said if it didn't work out after 5 tries, it never would. This is killing me. I want him back so bad. I know he may look all the more appealing to me now that he has someone else but I don't think so entirely. I wanted him back before I found out he was with someone else. My only advice to you is if by any chance you do get back together, go for counseling and give it your all. Now this is considering she is ready to go back with you also and wants to give it her all. I think it can work but you have to be committed to going for help and really working on the relationship. Hope this helps.

I have talked with him and told him how I felt (that I still care and love him). He is involved with someone else right now and he did say he is not in love with her but love takes time so I took that as his maybe 'wanting' to fall in love with this girl. He said he cannot see me now and see her at the same time (not fair to anyone) which I respect. I live in same apt. complex as him so we are just a few steps from each others door. Very hard for me to stay away and not want to walk over there when I am feeling lonely, hurt and anxious. We do talk sometimes but he says he cannot give me an answer at this time about how he really feels about me. He did say he loves me but that comes with the territory after being with someone for 15 yrs. He meant he cannot say he cares ENOUGH to dump this other girl and want to start seeing me again....

I had another topic on here explaining my whole situation but now need to know is there anyone out there who has been broken up with their ex for over a year ?(long term relationship for me - off and on for 15 yrs). Has anyone been apart that long and after remaining 'friends', wanted to get back together as it once was? When I finally told my ex (after a year) that I wanted to reconcile, I found out that he was seeing someone else which hurt 100 times worse. I am not wanting to get back with him because of jealousy either because I had no clue about it at the time. What are the chances of someone wanting to come back after that long a separation and their thinking that we had both moved on? Thanks for any input...

Richgabe, So, if you found a new partner now, after all these years, how is it coming along? Do you ever see your old girlfriend and if she had not moved on, has she tried contacting you to get back together? This is just so very, very hard after all these years. Maybe if it were only couple year relationship, it would be easier to move on but after 15 yrs! Am curious to see how you really feel about your situation... Thanks, Eileen

I'm not sure I'm in the right category for this but this is my story. I dated a guy and lived with him off and on for about 15 yrs. The first five were heaven but then we broke up because his communication skills were lacking so much, we could never discuss problems. He eventually told me we weren't meant for one another (even though we loved one another) so I moved out and met another guy. After dating the new guy for a month or so, the old guy called to say he wanted me back, that he was foolish to let me go and he was only going through a depression. I didn't know if it was right to go back so I didn't right away. In the meantime, I started developing feelings for the new guy and could not go back to the old one. What happened is something we both ended up regretting because he began to stalk me, causing lots of problems with the new guy, police, etc. I know he was just 'hurting' and not knowing how to deal with losing me so I eventually forgave him because I loved him also. To make a long story short, we ended up in a 'triangle' for almost a year, which was my worst nightmare because I could not choose between either. After much heart ache and confusion, I ended up dumping the new one and went back to the old one. Things went OK for next 3-4 yrs and we never dated anyone else. We were exclusive to each other and spent practically every spare second together. Then the communication problems starting again, fighting started again, we broke up again. I would say we broke up and got back together about 4-5 times in those 10-12 yrs. But we always went back to one another. Call it co-dependency or whatever but we endured. The last break up we had was so heart wrenching for me, I told myself it was over for good and just to be sure, I had to get away altogether to try to get over him and forget about him. I told him one night I was going shopping and instead I hopped in our car, and drove out of state to go live with my married daughter and try to start a new life there. I heard NOTHING from him and I was gone 4 months. I would have thought he'd try to contact me there to see if I was OK, but no. And of course I got to missing him after 4 months, so called him and apologized and we cried together on the phone.. you know how that goes. He ends up quitting his job, renting a UHaul and totally moving all our things to where I am. Of course I was thrilled he would do that for me and in the name of our relationship (co-dependency again). We were fine here for about 2 yrs, then broke up again. This time we DID stay away from one another for over a year. We remained friends and called one another periodically to make sure we were 'ok' and he went on with his life and me with mine. Except he eventually met someone and has been dating her for about 6 months now. I never truly got over him, thereforeeee was not interested in meeting anyone else, so I stayed dateless and alone for a couple years. Thing now is I am desperately HEART BROKEN that he is with someone else!! It's like he is no longer there for me. But he said he still cares about me and always will since we have such a long history together. But he also says we cannot be together anymore in a dating manner (only friends) and it is killing me that he is going to fall in love with this girl. I just have never been able to 'let go' and I am falling to pieces now. The ONE person who has been there for me for the past 17 yrs, is no longer there. He would always take care of me if I got sick or help me with my car when it was broken down or whatever I needed under any circumstances, he was ALWAYS available to help me. I would like to somehow spend some time with him to tell him I still love him (he knows I still do) but more so, to tell him I am afraid we will have lost what we had all these 17 yrs. I don't want to push myself on him or be clingy but I am finding myself coming apart at the seams now. It's like we are breaking up for the FIRST time, not the zillionth time! And I know it's because he has NEVER had anyone else in his life up till now. Please help if you can. I am so depressed, do not want to eat, sleep or even go to work.