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reinventmyself

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  1. reinventmyself
    Ha ha, Gotta say I love that!
  2. reinventmyself
    There's a little nagging part of me that's tempted to reach out to S. I have no idea what the response would be. I'm not sure I'm prepared to be embraced or denied, so it's just not a good idea.
  3. reinventmyself
    I'm glad I had dinner w my son. He's interesting and has enough going on in his world at this time. I can just wind him up, ask questions and he'll do all the talking. Got me out of my head for the first time in a couple days. Love that boy♡
  4. reinventmyself
    thx SB . .((hugs)) back at ya
  5. reinventmyself
    Sometimes he's on the mark and sometimes he so far off its hurtful. I can't quite put my finger on it. It's the circular convo's that freak me out though. I got dressed today and visited with my mom, ran errands, treated myself to a new outfit and went to the market. What's hard is doing normal everyday things when you don't feel anywhere near normal. I am back on my couch. I feel kinda kooky that it's seems to be my safe place. Anything more than disappearing into the tv is too much right now. I am supposed to have dinner with my son tonight. I haven't told him and don't want to. My sons aren't really keen on updates on their mom's love life, so I will keep this to myself. I almost want to cancel because other than what's on my mind I can't think of anything to talk to him about. Kinda hard to come up with some excuse to back out seeing I live with him I was just walking out to my car from the market and some big goon had his truck door open on mine. I pointed it out to him in an not so nice way. He walked around and said he didn't see anything. I am pretty quiet and seething, fighting back the tears while putting the groceries in my car. "Come back here and you can see it" I tell him. He sees the mark he made, is apparently put out by it and asks if he could get his elderly mother in the store before he deals with me. I told him not to bother and drove off crying. I feel like the biggest drama queen and baby today. I put a call into my therapist. I've seen him off and on. .mostly off lately since 2000. He's been so much help for me over the years. He's a man my own age so it helps to get feedback from a man seeing most of my issues are with. . men. I was trying to articulate it to my mom. If when I first starting going to therapy during my marriage, I was shut down and had no voice. I was conditioned that speaking up and telling a man how you felt meant you would be punished more. Well that was then, with the ex and that was the dynamic that didn't work. Fast fwd: I've spent a lot of money on therapy and dedicated a lot of time into setting my boundaries and respectfully speaking for myself and I continue to find myself in the same place. Where I am not heard, I don't get the empathy I deserve or that I give in return and my partner feels injured when I say ouch? wth! It messes with my head. Neither way works and I can't keep blaming it on them. As much as I am told that it's my poor choices, I can't believe I don't play a part in this is some other way. Last time I went my therapist was after a bad break up. He told me `If wish you would come in and see me when you start one, not when you are grieving one' I ask: `why, do you want to be my dating coach?" " Yes, exactly!" He responded laughing. Sadly, he wasn't joking. No doubt he'll get my vm tonight, shaking his head, knowing dang well why I am calling him again over 2 years later.
  6. reinventmyself
    I'm all abouts lists! My last serious relationship I was able to fill 4 full pages of mind f'ing comments he said to me. It was actually baffling and down right scary. With S the things I write boils down to his insecurities. It doesn't make him a bad guy. Just a guy who has some stuff he needs to work on to be available for a intimate, trusting relationship. I can't see him as a bad guy so it's not really having the impact I'm needing right now. I think that's where I'm struggling on this one.
  7. reinventmyself
    My dear friend Eddie brought me icecream and distracted me for a couple hours.
  8. reinventmyself
    Day 3 - I dozed off this afternoon and woke up startled imagining me laying with my head on your chest. I burst into tears. I'm afraid to close my eyes now.
  9. reinventmyself
    thx all
  10. reinventmyself
    . . Got my list back out
  11. reinventmyself
    Having a particularly difficult morning. Pretty much expected it seeing I've managed to keep busy and distracted the past couple days. I resist getting up off the couch and just sitting in the middle of the emotions hoping that the more I face them head on the faster they'll pass. I know myself well enough that if I did force myself to go out, the urge to run back to my couch and to curl up and hide is too strong. Stuffing the anxiety and trying to do anything else at the moment is harder than just facing it. I hadn't even really cried til today so I guess it's clear the reality is setting in. Now I can't seem to stop. I started writing my list of things S said and did that were red flags. I couldn't get through it and couldn't even reread what I had written last night so I knew where to pick up this morning. I think the old me would prefer to demonize an ex in order to get over them easier. But I don't want to do that here. I really do love S, despite our challenges. It's the closest I have felt to a man in many years. The good was really good. I want him to reach out and at the same time I am praying he doesn't. I miss him so much and nothing makes sense right now.
  12. reinventmyself
    To be fair the photos he could see had an ex from 12 yrs ago make comments on them. He's not in any of the pictures and has a girlfriend today. Hes a good guy and zero threat to anyone I date. S noticed the comments and asked who he was and I told him. In turn he said he didn't want to be fb friends that way he wouldn't have to all the pictures of my ex and I together. But. .there aren't any. S had already worked himself up over this assumption. So there was no convincing him otherwise. I was annoyed enough to let it go. FB wasn't around 12 years ago. What-ever. His loss.
  13. reinventmyself
  14. reinventmyself
    just waiting for my equally hung over gf's to wake up, rally and set a golf tee time. For now . . my son is cooking me breakfast ;} No whiners! right?!
  15. reinventmyself
    ahhhh . . the boy just walked in. One less thing to worry about. Good thing I called in sick. . The graduation and protest are a block away from where I work. It doesn't take much to create traffic havoc and possible lock downs in LA.
  16. reinventmyself
    So far all I have done is deleted his number and all traces of it so I am not tempted. That and blocked his FB page just so I won't look. I hadn't thought of blocking his number because in light of things just doesn't seem necessary. I am not in such a fragile state that I couldn't talk to him if he did call. But again, there is something about him that makes me think he may not. . . and the FB. He never wanted to be FB friends because in his words `he didn't want to see all my pictures with other guys' There was no convincing him that I don't have pictures with me with other men. Not in the way he suggested. But . . oh well. Petty.
  17. reinventmyself
    You are right. Funny how conveniently I can justify things. He was very candid about his insecurities. In most ways admitting your faults is a sign of strength. I admired that. That combined with the personal work he had done on himself, therapy and support groups he seemed eager to do things differently. In the end I now see that it's ok to have insecurities but if all you are doing is asking your partner to accommodate to them at some point it becomes controlling. I have to be fair. There was some improvement but not enough and not enough in time to keep from eroding at the relationship. I had to go back and reread something's l've learned about communication and conflict styles. He did the very thing my ex h did. When trying to have a challenging conversation he would block and divert. You end up in this circular mess that doesn't go anywhere. I could say something very thoughtful that was close to the truth or repeat something he said back to him and he would divert it and change directions over and over. I don't care for how easily people throw out the label Narcissism like tic tacs here. But my ex h is a diagnosed N. This communication style and lack of empathy is similar to S's. . dunno. Can't help but go there in my mind and wonder. It's good to put this is writing because seeing I have experienced this before it messes with my head that I have found myself in the middle of it again. I am a common denominator here. I am far from perfect but those close to me would say I am (for the most part) very thoughtful and fair in challenging moments and express myself well. But when S or my exh were done with me I feel blindsided, as if I am trying to fight my way out of a paper bag and don't know what's real anymore. I keep trying to replay our last argument to make sense of it. . and I can't. I can't believe how far off the rails a simple conflict would go. It just doesn't make sense. With love: I am ok. I hate the mornings. You wake up with a gutt kick and then you just put one foot in front of the other. I am really fortunate to have great friends. I went out with 2 coworkers for just a short time and they made me laugh. As much as it hurt to hear it, they thought S's actions were controlling. On my way home I met up with my friends who were out and we ended up my gf's house drinking wine until late in the evening. Oh yah, I have a baby hangover this morning and didn't sleep well. I called in sick and will go golfing with two of the girls from last night. No doubt they are even awake yet. I had some good laughs and a good distraction. Better than therapy. This morning everything was still waiting for me . . Everyone is saying that S will reappear. It's typically been the case in my experience but he's pretty hard core about things. I am not counting on it. I just hope if he chooses to that it's after some time has passed and I am on the other side of this. I get why people return. Not because it's in everyones best interest, it's just to circumvent the pain and make it go away. I am watching the news and due to the tragedy in Texas they are showing a live feed of a protest outside of an Los Angeles PD graduation. The crowd is growing. My son is a firefighter and is typically off duty and home by 7am. It's 9 and no sign of him. I am grateful he's not a PO but he's a uniformed officer nonetheless. Makes a mother nervous. They may have held him over for a tactical alert. I need to eat but the hangover and anxiety doesn't make it easy. blech
  18. reinventmyself
    . . . no doubt
  19. reinventmyself
    When sharing about his previous relationship, prior to ours, he said they argued a lot and she always had to be right . . to point of burying herself. I always, always take a persons version with a grain of salt and in that moment I remembered wondering if the same would be true about him. Because there is always a yin for a yang. One can't fight to be right unless they have someone to fight with, right? Funny enough when all I wanted was to be heard, I heard those very words. ~You just want to be right ~ I insisted it didn't matter if he agreed or not. I just wanted to be heard, not right. He did not need to agree with me. He on the other hand saw things in black and white, right or wrong. I couldn't get anything right in his eyes. It's often said the very thing you find fault in someone else is the very thing you are faulty about.
  20. reinventmyself
    Thanks NL I know it's true but it's really hard to imagine at the moment.
  21. reinventmyself
    looking back now, I missed the red flag where a man puts you on a pedestal. It's a long way to fall. ;(
  22. reinventmyself
    He was in the Marines with a wife and 3 very small children at home. He came home to find his best friend rolling around on the couch with his wife. She left and took the boys to another state. Him being in the service, a pilot and civil servant moved him around. He saw the boys as much as he could, but it wasn't much. His oldest son was killed walking home from school at 14. He says almost every woman he's been involved with `has stepped out on him' He married one more time several years later and that only lasted four years. I don't think the women broke his heart as much as the distance to his kids did. He cried when he told me about the 14 yr old boy. That was over 25 yrs ago? He didn't really have a steady relationship with them until they were young adults and now they live 2 states away. (I suspect that's where he is going today, matter of fact) It made me really nervous when he shared with me the ways he would find out. He had no shame in accessing p.o. boxes, hacking emails and phones. One day when he was pretty open minded and good natured, I told him he really wasn't very unique. That most people have been heartbroken and cheated on. It's whether you choose to let it affect the rest of your life and your future relationships that counts. I put a password on my phone for about a day and then took it off. Besides it being a hassle, I am just not that interesting. But I didn't like the sense that he didn't have any feeling attached to finding out the way he did. In some ways I can't blame him. In other ways it made me really nervous, almost like a warning. Not sure why it felt that way but I did.
  23. reinventmyself
    . . .well. . if it's anything to be grateful for he didn't put his profile back up. . yet. That's a first. I've grown accustomed to them shopping for my replacement before the sheets even cooled.
  24. reinventmyself
    mostly my whereabouts. when we finished golf on Friday a guy friend, Eddie we've known for 30 yrs came by to eat with us. So freakin' innocent. But based on previous reactions from S, I omitted that part of my afternoon. I can go on with specifics it's but mostly mentioning anything or anyone that has testicles. lol My ex husband is a particularly sensitive subject. That's off limits. It doesn't matter that he's an abusive N and I have told S that. He thinks if I bring his name up I still must be hung up on him. elch. I gave S a tour of my work one weekend. An older attorney was working late on a case and greeted me buy simply saying `Hi sweetie, what are you doing here?" I introduced them, they shook hands but I also am pretty sensitive to someone's reactions. .I can kinda feel them myself and I could sense S wasn't happy. S: "Do all your male coworkers greet you that way? (give me a break!) This was early on in dating and I found myself defending myself. It wasn't long after that I would catch myself because I have no reason to have to defend myself. My life is pretty social and I am out and about with different people and run into new and old friends. I just don't elaborate on it because I can feel him get tense and or go silent. I did start to expose him more and more to things with the notion that his reaction was his to deal with. .not mine. I did help that he was meeting more of my friends. His original comments were that the only reason women get dressed and go out together is to troll for men. We ran into a male friend one night after dinner and he kissed me hello on the cheek. That set S off. My male friend text me the next day asking `what the he** was that about?' Sensing S's steely greeting. I remember once we were getting ready to go meet up with my friends who were listening to live music and socializing. S said he didn't feel like being around crowds so we came up with going to the movies. As I changed my shoes from heels to flats I remember him making a remark about it. I don't call the remark but the message was. . `why would you wear those shoes to go to bar but change into flat with me' I said ' because I didn't want to be 6 feet tall to go the movies. .besides I get cold easily" I shared with him that I bought a new bathing suit. He asked if it was a two piece or one. I said a two piece of course. He shared his view that women only wear bikini's to show off their bodies to other men. . Ugh. . here now the dam breaks and I continue to admit all the things I've been ignoring along the way.
  25. reinventmyself
    That's the hard part. He is a good man and I do still love him. The majority of it was good. Really good. Thinking out loud. .I tend to be very transparent about things. It works for me. I prefer people who are the same way. I learned early on that I needed to sensor myself with him. So many things triggered him. I told him so. . . that there were things I didn't share with him because I knew it would upset him. It made me sad and I told him so. I wanted him to know everything about me and there was nothing off limits. Phew. . what a fine line to walk. Censoring myself carefully so as not upset him, but at the same time being asked what I am thinking and feeling. Then add in him reading my mind and assuming what's going on inside. And all the while starting to lose myself. Faraday mentions learning from this and choosing wiser. But there are all lessons I have already learned. Over and over. At what point to put them into to action? I guess the good news is I don't marry them. I may stay way too long but I don't commit my life to them.
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