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reinventmyself

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  1. reinventmyself
    Please don't apologize. Your comments and responses from the other ladies here are the most validating I have had in sometime. That's what made me cry. I felt heard. That means a lot to me. I called my best friend last night and I knew better as she is self absorbed and began talking to herself. .
  2. reinventmyself
    always asking what you're thinking. More than just a "hey, you feeling okay" - but asking repeatedly to someone "what are you thinking" is a boundary violation, IMO. Someone who says it is trying to get into your head space, the one space that only you have from others, and is trying to force intimacy. There was this constant dynamic where he would tell me what I am thinking and it was always negative. "Oh, I bet your sick of me kissing on you' 'You don't like this, you don't like that" "You are thinking this or whatever' Mostly I shrugged it off or countered it with reassurance and then I asked him to stop doing it. He would mostly do it in a joking manner but he always mindreading in some way and letting me know all these negative thoughts he assumed I was having. . that were directed towards him. I haven't really sorted that out. . Probably because I spent so much time trying to ignore it
  3. reinventmyself
    It just f'in hurts Im so sorry, reinvent. I feel for you, because I know you suffered in the past with your husband. You deserve someone that you can feel safe with, someone who will respect your boundaries, and not be so ridiculously insecure, blowing up your phone, etc. That is not love I'm at work and holding it together pretty well. . .but Fudgie that comment hits so close to home. Time to close my (office) door. ;{ I know it's the grief talking but I honestly don't think I'll try again. I really don't. I am so tired and broken from men exercising their bs out on me. I know I play a part in it all, but it just doesn't feel that way at the moment.
  4. reinventmyself
    I haven’t quite sorted it all out yet but we’ve had a few big arguments the base of them are about trust and insecurities. It’s been a theme throughout our entire relationship and though it’s gotten better in a lot of ways, in a lot of ways I think he just got better hiding it. I started not feeling safe speaking up because he inevitably would twist things around on me. So I would keep them to myself. He's had such insecure reactions to anything I did say and felt so injured by it, if that makes sense? He would always ask me what I am thinking and over this last weekend we were together for 4 days and I told him that I didn’t feel safe saying some things to him because they often got blown out of proportion. It was a mess. He got upset and shut me out for hours. . 4th of July evening we sat in silence from 6 to midnight and went to bed not talking. I understand that he was upset over something and needed time. But good grief. I have done that. . .stepped out for a moment or two or even as long as an hour to collect myself. But I don’t stonewall someone for an entire evening. It just wasn't in proportion to what transpired. But then again that's according to me, apparently not him What started to whole thing was that he got upset and insecure earlier that I didn’t make a romantic move on him because he was laying on the bed while I was drying my hair in the middle of the day and I should have known to? Or at least why didn't I? (does it count that we had sex that morning and the night before) I am not a mind reader but he said it made him feel insecure and that I didn’t desire him. I totally `desire’ him but I missed that moment and all hell broke loose. It wasn’t so much that I missed the moment, he said I didn’t respond in a way he needed when he told me it was one of his insecurities. Though I do recall being staying quiet and reaching out to him and rubbing his arm. He doesn't remember this. I guess I didn’t get that right either. That’s just one example of many. . We just don’t hear each other or get each other. I love him dearly. . I really do but I felt he had to keep tabs on me and though he got better about it he would grill me when I went out with my friends. I mentioned to him Friday when my gf and I golfed, we got paired up in a foursome with 2 cute old men. `what do you mean by cute?’ He asks. That's just one example of many. Most times lately he was able to bite his tongue. Sometimes the real thoughts would spill out and he'd reveal the true side of him. I told him that I was honored that he felt safe sharing his insecurities with me. But he showed up with them when I met him and I didn't do anything to provoke them. It's ok to have insecurities, that makes us human. However it's not ok for him to exercise them out on me. Sorry. . I am just vomiting info here and I am all over the place. We hadn’t talked in a couple days and last night - he’s the one who said he couldn’t do it anymore over the phone. It hurts to have him do it but in a lot of ways I don’t know if I had the courage and would have waited until it got much worse. I was having thoughts that I was fighting off and continuing to stuff. What if this went the distance and we married or moved in together? I know in my heart I would have to give up parts of myself to accommodate him and his insecurities and I am not willing to that . . not for any man. It proves my point again, at least in my experience. It's that very thing you see in the very beginning that ends up being the demise in the end.
  5. reinventmyself
    Well. . .it's officially over
  6. reinventmyself
    probably . . .
  7. reinventmyself
    S is on his way home today. Over the course of the last week he was a little preoccupied by his latest trip. He typically likes to Skype at the end of the day to say good night. But the ladies eat dinner late so he would instead prefer to Skype earlier and the calls are pretty brief because he needs rush off. Two different nights this weekend he volunteers to Skype at 10 pm. The first one he was late, I don't recall how late . . maybe 30 min's and only after I text a good night did he call. Saturday night, again another 10 pm Skype call that he suggests and at 10:10 and no word from him, I text good night and I turned off my phone. I could see the following day he did try to call. I did turn my phone off partly to make a statement and at the same time I had been dozing off and on watching a movie and wanted to go to bed. Woken up by another late call, I doubt I would have said the right thing. We had a good talk yesterday. I told him that I appreciated that he feels safe sharing his insecurities with me and I feel we've come a long way. Though I don't share mine doesn't mean I don't have them. I have a different outlook on insecurities and if he hasn't done anything in question the securities are mine to deal with on my own. Having said that. . I pointed out what I felt to be a double standard and turned the tables asking him how he might feel if I was with 6 men alone in a tropical setting, with limited contact, wining, dining and participating in activities and excursions. Add in that in the past the communication while he's away has been a little more critical for him than myself. He's actually gotten upset when he couldn't get ahold of me. But this is the second trip with the ladies and communication is suddenly not that important to him and honestly, I don't feel like a priority. Besides, he was the one arranging the time to call, not me. I don't have any issues with him spending the time with the guests. I'd much rather he have someone to talk to and enjoy his time and I trust him completely. But the social participation isn't part of his job description and he has choices. Clearly they are done eating and by his own description he doesn't just get up and walk away when they are being social and talking. That's fine . . I am flexible, but given the now apparent pattern . . not so much. I pointed out I would have a colossal issue on my hands if the roles were reversed. To be perfectly honest, he would come undone. He admitted as much when I pointed it out. Sharing with him how I felt - he admitted that because I am so good about things and flexible he didn't think I would have an issue. He was in some ways surprised. He thanked me for sharing how I felt and wished I had told him sooner rather than let it bother me and sincerely apologized. I shared with that I was trying to lead by example (thank you WL for the term) but the double standard was wearing on me. I am pretty good about things like this, just not that good. He shares with me that he's really been working on his part and asks if I notice and I agreed. Anyway. . I felt heard, understood and very much loved. Before dinner he called/skyped and in the middle he got a knock on the door telling him dinner was ready. I could tell what it was, even though I actually couldn't hear it. He continues to talk and is being very sweet and I had to tell him to go eat. He was torn. I told him just hearing me out and understanding was all I needed. Now go eat! I woke up to a `I love you!` text thru skype
  8. reinventmyself
    He's text/skyping me now. Good thing he can't see my face
  9. reinventmyself
    Thanks. . I think I have been leading by example. An example of how I wish to be treated. I also think he might enjoy it if I showed my insecurity. He did seem to a little the first time I brought it up. I won't give him that satisfaction. Sorry. .I am grumpy today.
  10. reinventmyself
    Yes. . I am mulling it over now. I want to wait to did it person and I won't see him until next week. I did touch on it his last trip with the sister. He smirked and said something like `see you are just like me' As if I ought to have more understanding about his insecurities because I have them as well? I let it go at the time. . But it's not the point I was trying to make.
  11. reinventmyself
    Soooo S is away again. I am struggling a little here and need to vent. This is the second trip this year where S has flown the `sister' down to the house and her along with 5 of her friends are spending a week in remote tropical setting. S has been working for this family for 4 years. During that entire time he is there keeps to himself and dines with the staff. For the first time this year the sister includes S during the meals and excursions. I am pretty trusting by nature . . but I am also human. S is a pretty handsome, interesting man and he is with 6 single women for days at a time. No, I don't think he should sequester himself alone. He gets pretty miserable as days go by and I am glad that he has company. Now that he dines with them he needs to Skype me earlier than usual so he can shower and meet them for dinner. My issue is two fold. Not sure what bugs me more. S has had some insecurities during our time together. There has been some great improvements but I have to remind him his insecurities are his to work on. I have given him no reason to not trust me. But in the moments he has given me a hard time and wants me to reassure him and let him know my where abouts. I get resentful. I'll repeat. It is better and continues to get better or I wouldn't continue. I am wrestling with huge double standard I am feeling. If the roles were reversed and I was away with 6 men, wining and dining there would be sh** storm of controversy! I trust S as much as I can trust anyone. I would be lying if my mind didn't go to a bad place considering the situation, but it's my insecurity and I deal with it. I don't exercise it out on him. When he signed off last night to go to dinner, I was bugged. What I came up with is considering everything the only thing I can do or have control over is I will no longer allow him to get to me the way he has regarding his insecurities. I will acknowledge them and carry on. I will leave him be to work on them and to let me know when he's done.
  12. reinventmyself
    We just passed 7 months. Boy does time fly. Things continue to get better and better. S has spent more time with my friends which I think helps. That and we've talked a little more about our past histories. I know some people don't think it's healthy to talk about it but I think when things feel like they are off limits, it's just as bad. No need to rehash things but also no need to tippy toe around something taboo. I think that's worse. I just tend to be pretty transparent about things. S typically doesn't want to know and doesn't ask. But I did share with him that at the same time I don't want to sensor myself with him either. It's a fine line. I find myself closer to S than I think I ever may have been with anyone. Can that be? We just spent 3 days together and I miss him already. He's so thoughtful and sweet. I am just not used to someone being this way, for so long, consistently. I have grown accustomed to their alter ego showing up and taking over. It's just what I have learned to expect. But with S, what you see is what you get. And I like it He's getting ready to leave Sunday and outside of 4 separate days, spread apart, he'll be gone until the middle of July. Ugh, my heart hurts thinking of it. I just reread some of my journal and for all the time I've spent alone. . it's not accounted for here, really. Not much to contribute to a dating journal when you spend time single I suppose but from B to M there was 9 mo's? And from M to S, 7 mo's alone? I don't really count the last couple months with M because we really didn't even see each other, mainly just communicated in his comfort-zone-electronic ways. I am becoming a reformed cynic. Go figure.
  13. reinventmyself
    Someone I went on a couple dates with a while back is currently out front of my building. The city puts on an annual fundraiser and they close the streets for this festival. He text me and I went down and visited him for a few minutes. He's lost weight since we met. It was one of those moments where his online profile didn't represent himself well. He looked good today! I got about $50 dollars of food tickets from him. So much for supporting the cause. He seems to be in a much better place in his life. I recall not being interested because of the weight issue and he was going through an ugly divorce and had custody of the daughter from hell. He wasn't ready to date, but I don't think he knew that at the time. It's been almost 2 years? Life's curve balls. .that's all.
  14. reinventmyself
    That always seems to happen. Not just to me, but most everyone. To be expected I suppose.
  15. reinventmyself
    It might have been jarring a few months ago. .but now, not. On my phone I have the option of auto reject which sends him straight to vm. When he called the other night I subsequently set his phone number to that feature. This morning, I get a text picture. From there I did take the time to log onto my phone account and block him again. Here goes another 90 days! For the most part, I just don't need to have to explain to S why this guy has suddenly reappeared. Call me naive, I didn't think he'd continue to try.
  16. reinventmyself
    I'll block him but it makes no difference anyhow. He can call all he wants. I won't be talking to him. I don't feel rattled by his presence one bit. Mostly my reason for not speaking with him is this very thing. He has some impulse issues. I think any attention, negative or positive would be seen as encouragement. He needs to keep moving forward.
  17. reinventmyself
    I have him on auto reject now. He's harmless . . and a little pitiful too. Time just keeps racing by. It's hard to believe that this time last year things started coming undone for he and I. I just edited my last post and added that. Life is just plain weird.
  18. reinventmyself
    Life is never dull. Last night while having dinner with friends my phone rings and it's Mark? Apparently blocked numbers drop off after 3 months. I didn't answer it. . . Just weird. He didn't leave a vm either. It's been months since we last talked. Time just keeps racing by. It's hard to believe that this time last year things started coming undone for he and I.
  19. reinventmyself
    So, as the gossip mill churns it turns out that G told very few people that she was dating this guy again, yet they were sworn to secrecy. These very friends outed her. I am taking the stance that if it was a secret that she was dating him, then it's a secret when he ditches her again. In other words, I don't want any part of it. There's more to the story but I am staying out of it. I don't do drama well. I imagine she didn't come right out and tell me because I will tell her exactly what I think, unlike her other friends (she told) that will say the same but worse but behind her back . .hmmph So far she's asked me 3 times this week to get together and I've denied each one. The first time I wasn't in the right frame of mind and the two most recent, I legitimately have plans. She knows I know now and I am sure she is trying to get my attention concerned that I am disappointed in the way she's handled it. Yah. . she's right. I don't want to lose my friendship with her at the same time I am not sure how to navigate this. So until I figure it out, I'll lay low. Things are good with S as expected. Ha ha. .probably because he's gone a lot! I'll see him tomorrow night while he's in town for overnight. He's got a hotel room near the airport, so it will be a little rendezvous or sorts. I will work in an office south of my home office so it will be convenient. Not much else to report. My oldest son graduated from the fire department! After the ceremony I sat with my ex inlaws who have always been very gracious to me. A few of us had a little after party at a restaurant, including my ex H and his GF, who I also get along with. My sons GF sent me a sweet text the next day how much she respected me and how amazing it was that I could sit and enjoy my ex inlaws and new GF's. I guess for some it is kinda odd. My ex on the other hand was his usual arrogant, pompous self. He baited me through out the evening and I kept derailing him. I could tell his GF was embarrassed by him. My sons GF checked him a few times and once when I excused myself to the restroom and asked him to please change the conversation when I return, both my sons GF and my ex's GF told him off when I walked away `you can't talk to her like that!!' they said. I am glad despite everything I just kept taking the high road. The evening ended with me excusing myself for the night when my ex called S a drug dealer. Because after all, aren't all DEA agents drug dealers when they retire?? What a prize he is! Dumb A**! I'll have to thank him for reminding me why I divorced him. Just a weird week with the ex's GF's hugging me, my ex inlaws inviting me over after 16 years and my best friend hooking up with a sociopath. No wonder I spent most of the weekend escaping into the Netflix, watching movie after movie trying to decompress.
  20. reinventmyself
    I've told her "If you keep poking yourself in the eye and crying about, I can't help you if you continue to do it after everyone tells you otherwise. You just very well might like being poked in the eye. Just please stop complaining about it"
  21. reinventmyself
    Just venting. My best friend of 35 yrs, G met a guy 3 years ago? I was with her and there was this undeniable chemistry. They hit it off immediately. He was going thru a divorce, sleeping on his bro's couch, no car, no job. (he used to be pretty well off and lost everything) AND he had a young gf as it turns out, 15yrs his jr with an 8 year old daughter. G felt like she had to compete. She supported this fool, cooked for him, gave him her car, etc and all the while he would do things like text the other gf goodnight before he crawled into G's bed. He's done other unspeakable things but there isn't enough room on this page. To me and the rest of our friends, he is the lowest form of life. This began almost 2 years of absolute nonsense with him bouncing between G and the gf. Tears, breakdowns, drama, psychiatric care, med's, spiraling. Happy, sad, volatile. Her roommate moved out after she had enough which left G in a bind and had to move to her mothers. A year ago this guy married the gf. G slowly has crawled her way back up and has never really been the same since. I have been there for her and distanced myself. She had lied to me, worn out our friendship and slowly made her way back from a very dark place for a very long time. Most of our friends distanced themselves from the drama and just these past few months things seem to finally taken a turn. Until . .last night. Honestly last week my spidey senses were up. When G goes off the grid I tend to get suspicious. It was her bday yesterday, along with another friend. A group of us got together and celebrated. I left early and walked out with a mutual friend. Her and I ended up sitting on a bench outside of the restaurant and I suppose G figured we were gone and came out to greet this clown and drive off. I asked someone else who might know and she confirmed they are seeing each other. It makes me sad. I can't be her friend while she does this. I can't be her friend when he disappoints her again.
  22. reinventmyself
    It's possible. I have been guilty of it before. Before I give up I do want to try to do things differently on my end to see if I get a different result. I don't know if you need more information Yes, yes I do. As far as S's part in this, it may very well be wishful thinking but he's determined to do things differently. Not just with me or because of me, but overall he's been working on himself before I even came along. He's even thanked me for some of my insights (even if they are misguided Thanks. .you've given me much to think about.
  23. reinventmyself
    Thanks Fudgie. What you just shared explains my challenge(s) in relationships perfectly. I'm not always clear on what's mine and what's theirs, let alone 'ours.' So until I have more information otherwise I'll carry on. I do know because of my experiences I can be pretty hyper vigilant about things too, so I can surely relate!
  24. reinventmyself
    Fudgie, everything you said is fair and it's on my radar. The gas lighting comment. At first I thought it possible. I was married to a gas lighter for 16 fun-filled yrs, so I am pretty good at spotting it. But what makes me think otherwise was his demeanor and responses directly after support his version, not mine. I dunno. Seeing it could go either way with this one I don't have enough to call it on way or another. I am on the look out for it tho. And my preferred term for gaslighting is Head F'ing. (after accounting for the time. .he said `so you weren't ignoring me? Funny? meh, maybe. Sarcasm/insecurity, possible, but he immediately swung into an upbeat `how was your day?' and confused why I was upset) Outside of this our level of electronic exchanges strike a nice balance. He's got a full life outside of this relationship and not needy. Mistrusting at times, but not needy. And yes, you're the common denominator because you're with him, but that also involves him so that makes him a common denominator too. I just worry that he's pinning all/most of this on you as being your fault. And no. . he's not pinning anything on me. What I shared was merely my observation on my own actions and thoughts concerning what's transpired. He's owned his and always has. I could elaborate more on his, but I've already done a fair share of that. Basically we just need to learn to trust each other more and trust ourselves. Whether or not this is possible, remains to be seen. So are you two still an item? Or is it more of a "take as it comes" sort of thing? One day at a time and no we really didn't define things. In light of everything it didn't seem relevant but I guess we are still an item and trying to move forward.
  25. reinventmyself
    Thanks faraday, I honestly think this is my last rodeo, seriously! I have had the fortunate experience to date considerably since my divorce several years ago. So, scarcity?. . no. Coming to terms with my needs, tolerance and lifestyle. .maybe. Uhhhg, looking back I've made some really bad choices and in between have spent considerable time alone. I am always learning things about myself. Unfortunately we come here to vent about the negative and what we often fail to do (you are better at it than most ) is to fairly share what happens in between. The good parts with S, are reeeallly good. I haven't felt this way about someone in a very,very long time. I also have an open mind. I am going to be ok, no matter the outcome.
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