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reinventmyself

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  1. reinventmyself
    Christmas was busy and HECTIC. First my tree falls over and my oldest son saves me by building a new tree stand. He and his girlfriend redecorated it. A few days later by upstairs bathroom leaks which translated into 3 days of both my sons ripping out a 3rd of my living room ceiling, dry walling and texturing the ceiling. All this done the day before I have a full house for a sit down dinner for 12. Christmas eve while prepping food midday I cut my finger and end up calling my youngest who took me to urgent care where we sat for 2 & 1/2 hours and 4 stitches later. My sons have saved my butt 3 times in 9 days. (Can you say 'Grateful?') At this point I haven't showered and expecting everyone shortly. I managed to set a land speed record dressing and pulling off the dinner. .But in the rushing around I've popped 2 to of the stitches ;[ Good grief, do I have a little bit of bad juju or what? So here I sit drinking coffee with duct tape on my finger to preserve what's left and looking around at the tables and chairs and other misc things I haven't tended to. Today I am on restriction until I get it done. S joined us for dinner and I warned him more than once that when I am in the zone and rushing around, he'd be pretty much on his own to assimilate into my family, of which he hadn't met before and entertain himself. If this was test, he passed with flying colors ending the evening with him doing dishes with my youngest son. Thumbs up of approval from family members and with that he ran off to catch a flight to spend the next 6 days with his family. Glad Christmas is over. . Phew!
  2. reinventmyself
    Came in this morning to retrieve a vm from Mark. Doesn't matter I suppose that the Thanksgiving vm's turned an attempt to crack open closed doors, so at that time I told him no further communication, please. It doesn't make a difference to me but I could tell it made one to him. I guess leaving messages on my work vm falls into a grey area? In keeping with today's theme on ENA. . 'no response necessary'
  3. reinventmyself
    I went south Saturday to meet S and attend a 25 year tradition at his best friends house. These couples have been getting together every year for a spaghetti dinner. I imagine they've seen S with ex wives and gf's and now I get to be sized up! They were crazy fun, gracious and I left with hugs and nods of approval. Ok . .so they were a little intoxicated, haha. But S did get texts the following morning with approvals. We did a little Christmas shopping before hand and I dropped him off at the airport the following morning. I appreciate seeing people doing more routine daily things and seeing them in their element and with their friends. You learn so much more about them outside of planned dates on good behavior. S continues to be consistent, steady and I like where this is going. It's hard to believe it's going on 2 months since we started communicating and 7 weeks since we first met. It's still very new. .but time is flying by. I have a house full for Christmas eve, mostly family and I have invited S to join us. I don't know if he realizes how much of a big deal this is for me but I am actually trying to be a little more casual about it. He comes back in town for that one day and gone again for the remainder of the month. I can't very well not include him but it makes me a little nervous nonetheless. My own mother is telling me to lighten up a little. The holidays are awkward times to start dating someone. If I dig down deep enough, honestly it's a belief I have that things don't last and I don't want to make that statement of coupledom to my family only to have it fail. Self fulfilling prophecies screaming at me. Workin' on it.
  4. reinventmyself
    noted . .
  5. reinventmyself
    Thank you for the `arms length' comment. You've busted me on this before and I needed it then too. It's definitely a pattern for me. Hard to jump in with both feet . . not to mention not my style. Working on it though. Overall I think I am so much better than I was. I am living in the moment. .I think I am pretty lighthearted and playful. At least in his presence. The minute he leaves my mind begins to spin. Trying to put the breaks on that. I am very familiar with LDR even if it's an hour. It actually works for me because I don't require that much attention. But I have dated someone who was absolutely miserable about it. Of course he didn't see it that way going into it. I guess that's what scares me And no . . the ex gf still lives in a not pet friendly place and his family is all in another state. I think he may be giving up the dogs tomorrow. I can tell he's upset about it. They are 10 year old litter mates. Placement is probably impossible. Breaks my heart.
  6. reinventmyself
    S stayed the night last night. I am often concerned that this may not be enough for him. He drove 90 minutes due to traffic. He did get to visit with a friend who lives in my area before I got home, so that was a bonus. By the time I get home all harried from my 90 minute commute we have a couple hours to eat, fool around and it's time to sleep! He's used to staying up late and me, 9:30, lights out. I am out the door at 6:45 and he's barely awake getting in his own car to head home. Actually he'll eat breakfast first at the corner coffee shop. He say's he'll become the regular there. This is what our mid week drill will look like. It's almost more work than what it's worth. For now, I get it, it's new and fun. But how about 4 mo's from now? Add in he gets the neighbor girl to house sit overnight to watch his dogs. Geez. Too many logistics. He travels sooo much that prior to meeting me he was considering giving up his two small dogs to a shelter. My stomach feels sick with the thought that I may be part of the catalyst to him doing so. They were actually a by product of his last relationship. He honestly wanted her to take them but her new living arrangements wont allow it. He has no business having dogs. He visited the second shelter yesterday. It's all a little too much or it's me looking for problems again as a preemptive strike. I have to remind myself he'd be giving up with dogs with our without me. It still makes me emotional. He'll only be home for a combined 5 days between now and the end of the month. I swear the dog sitter lives at his house more than he does. Honestly. Just venting. . This is just my mind spinning after a good night and feeling myself getting attached and looking for exits. I'll see him this weekend for another holiday party and then take him to the airport on Sunday. I saw that little nervous side of him last night again. . laughing nervously and apologizing. Hadn't seen that in a little while. Maybe on his turf he feels more secure. My home, not so much.
  7. reinventmyself
    Oh, I agree! I'm careful not to mention future events early on. It can seem presumptuos. We had been talking about plays and he wanted to see this play. Either way the tix are his and he honestly tried to get seats for January. I'm not reading too much into it but at the same time it's nice to see him looking ahead given our recent bump in the road Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk
  8. reinventmyself
    I've been getting a couple emails a day and one satellite phone call. His messages are sweet and endearing. Today he tells me he bought tickets to a musical for us to go to in March. How's that for planning? He comes home tomorrow and I'll see him Tuesday. So far so good Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk
  9. reinventmyself
    Wise words! He's in Baja for 4 days and communication is iffy at best. I get some space and time to be objective. Usin' it! Thanks WL (hang in there♥!)
  10. reinventmyself
    As mentioned, I kept my date. We talked and I can recount all that was said. . but it's pretty predictable in light of the circumstances. "I will, I won't, I want this, I want the same thing, so where do we go from here?" But all that doesn't matter because in moments like these people often say what they think the other person wants to hear. Not to dismiss his words but it's his actions that tell me what I need to know. He thought to buy me my own bathrobe! I made comments in our early email exchanges that one of my favorite times of day is Saturday mornings, where I get to sit in my big fuzzy robe and drink coffee with a cat on my lap and not have to rush to be somewhere. He thought I needed a big fuzzy robe when I come to his house. . . hmmm, nice. One of our early dates we went to dinner and I had him try this after dinner liqueur. Apparently there is higher quality, black label version of it we tried that night. He spent 2 days, and 4 different locations trying to find it so he could have in his home for us. Aside from our 24 hour action packed day, it ended with the Xmas party at his tennis club of 25 years. He was excited to introduce me to all his friends. The looks from the other single women that were members was pretty entertaining. No doubt he's one of the more eligible bachelors at the club and here he is with a date. Anyway. . .I can go on but you get the picture. He flies out this morning for four days. He's got a lot a moving parts to take care of in a very short period of time, very early in the morning but he thought to text me that he missed me already. Things are good. .I'm a little tired today. . but happy.
  11. reinventmyself
    Thanks Saluk. . I always appreciate your sound advise! And. .that's exactly what I needed to hear at the moment.
  12. reinventmyself
    I decided to keep my date tonight with S. He put a lot of thought into all the moving parts and had asked me to do this sometime ago. He had rsvp'd for the party two weeks ago and told his friends he was bringing me. That and every thing else he had put some thought into. I seriously considered not going and if it were something simple I might have taken the moment to step back to regain my balance. I waited until I spoke with him last night and I felt by my declining to go might have been an overly dramatic move on my part. He is continues to be consistent and working to gain or keep my trust. I feel I need to reinforce that. However. . For the past two days I have been in my head so much that I don't know if I can have sex with him. There is that part of me that feels I need to dial that back. It might be weird seeing that bell has already rung and we'll be sleeping in the same bed. I feel that I am sort of `damned if I do', 'damned if I don't' If I don't have sex I am in essence saying I don't trust him. If I do I feel I may be compromising myself. It's a fine line knowing that we are closely watching each other and for the first time seeing exactly how we behave in a challenging situation. I am pretty sure the subject will come up again. . I will make it up as I go.
  13. reinventmyself
    So now my dilemma is I wouldn't mind seeing him and getting a sense of what kind of impact this all has on things and make my decision then. However we have a 24 hour date starting tomorrow night, through Thursday that I have agreed to. I need to decide if I am keeping this date. I wish it were a 2 hr date, not a 24 hour one. He just finished texting me. . I can tell he's trying. As much as he said all the right things last night and apologized, he was also very empathetic and said he understood how I felt and he himself would feel the same he, he did say in the end. . that (in his eyes) he didn't really think saying thank you but I met someone else I really like, was a bad thing. I guess that's open for interpretation. . for sure.
  14. reinventmyself
    Thank you MM. . wise words.
  15. reinventmyself
    I agree with everything you just shared . but - what I do know is ~people are going to do what they want to do~ period. It's my place to gather information and proceed accordingly. Whether that means stopping, starting, pulling back. It's all something I have to navigate. I will tell you that I have hidden profiles on possibly every website imaginable. I have learned the hard to way to see where these guys lurk out of the gate and what sort of history they have before I get involved. If someone wants to break into your house they will.. .same thing in dating. If someone wants to see others, they will. It's pretty simple. I can't stay on my driveway forever. The best I can do is make an informed decision and have some faith. I just need to trust that I can handle what ever comes my way. I have no problem pulling the plug if things get shady. I know shady when I see it. now he knows you have your suspicions and he can just hide his profile or make a new one, or make one on a different site or something like that. Of course he can. .that's his choice. The same goes for anyone else I cross paths with. btw. . . I hid my profile. .He however, deactivated his.. .it doesn't exist. But I can't live my life in fear of what if's. I can only operate off of facts.
  16. reinventmyself
    It feels like poor judgment and bad timing I suppose. Isn't that the same as a mistake . .Lol?
  17. reinventmyself
    notalday and Withlove. . .what would you do in this situation? He just text now me bytheway. Forwarding 3 pictures of our hike from Sunday.
  18. reinventmyself
    I am not sure. I am processing things at the moment. As it ended last night we agreed to take our profiles down and carry on. Now in the light of day and very little sleep I am not feeling so good about it. I know things like this will change my behavior. If I was pretty confident and easy going before hand, I will struggle to be that way now and will come off guarded. That's no fun for anyone. He asked if I was still keeping our original plan for me to come up his way tomorrow night and spend the following day together, ending with attending a Christmas party of his. In the moment I said yes. And now I am second guessing it all. Between the taking down of the profiles and keeping commitments it was all under awkward circumstances. . Now we both have time to process everything. I will see how today goes. . I tend to have a personal policy. I will give one slip. One is a mistake and forgivable (depending on the nature of it of course) 2 mistakes is a pattern and I am out. .
  19. reinventmyself
    No. The timing was perfect. All the boxes were checked. I took my time, asked all the right questions. .or more so, he did. He gave me every indication that is was the obvious next step. He even playfully teased me about taking my time to make the decision and I could tell he respected me for it. I just didn't see this coming. Send me roses and log onto an account that was dormant for 6 weeks to be nice to someone and tell them no? It doesn't add up. If he was such a nice guy and felt inclined, why not say no to all the others before her that he didn't respond to? I reminded him I get plenty of emails, one yesterday in fact but because of the conversation he brought up it didn't cross my mind to engage them. After all it would go against the answer I gave him previously. I can't help but think he took his profile down under duress, in the moment. I would rather he did it under better circumstances, not so as to put out a fire. Everyone has their right to step back and reevaluate. He should as well. It might have been better if he did so before he slept with me though. I am not good at waiting things like this out. I tend to kill it to get rid of the tension. Problem solved. Just trying to sit on it. So far, today he's quiet. Not unusual though. He's not a big electronic communicator.
  20. reinventmyself
    It's never a straight line. . I get a text from a friend to tell me S logged onto his dating account last night. I didn't even stop to think about it, instead I called and asked S if it was so. In the weeks leading up to this I didn't initiate the `where is this going?' conversation. He did. Followed with asking me if I was dating others. He asked if I was still logging onto my dating account. All of which was no. I asked him the same in return and we were on same page. A couple weeks later when he stayed the night I told him I wasn't ready to have sex with him and we revisited the talk about whether we were still on still looking for the same end result. Last weekend we have sex. Yesterday I get roses at my work Last night he logs onto his dating profile and while at my mothers I get a text from a girlfriend confirming his user name and telling me that he had just been on line. I am thrown for a loop. The timing just down right sucks. Why not log on for several weeks, wait to have sex with someone and log on again? I was calm while we talked and told him that he needs to do what's ever right for him . .but in turn I will do the same and going any further with someone who feels inclined to log onto a dating website while being intimate with me wasn't something I could do. I apologized that I didn't say so sooner but the fact he had volunteered he wasn't logging in the first place seemed to be good enough and I trusted what he volunteered. His reasoning was that one particular person had been persistent and he logged on to be nice and thank her but tell to her he had met someone else. Makes sense but I said `surely you've received other emails, because I know I have' . . but your timing to log on to `just be nice' couldn't have been any worse. He continued to assure me he is in this for all the right reasons and only wants to see me. There isn't anything in his character that has given me any doubts what so ever up to until now. .Everything has added up. I am silent, processing everything but don't have much to say in response. He volunteers to take down his account and not only does he do so, but he deactivates it and sends me the email confirmation. He texts me after our phone conversation and tells me to check my email. I didn't sleep well. I hate internet dating.
  21. reinventmyself
    I spent the weekend with S. I arrived mid afternoon for a late lunch with he and his friend after they had just finished tennis. He makes efforts to have me meet his friends and has made comments about needing to show them I really `do exist'. I think it's sweet he seems excited to show me off. We went on to have a nice evening, early movie and then a small bite to eat afterwards. Back to his house and am I staying the night . . .and . . .we had sex. I have to say after 6 months of mediocre and downright bad sex with M. . (and then 6 mo's of none) this was amazing. In of itself it was amazing. I love that I feel kinda small and safe with him. We slept in the next morning, went to breakfast, hiked, sat in the Jacuzzi and it was time for me to head home. Today. .I am riddled with anxiety. This exactly why I wait to have sex with someone. I feel really, really vulnerable right now. Add in he's not very electronically communicative. Which up to this moment has been fine. I typically get one phone call a day. . maybe even one text but last night as I get ready for bed I was letting my vulnerability turn into insecurity and wrestle with my expectations of him and the situation. My expectation would have been that he might have called to see I got home ok and here it is my bedtime and no phone call. At the same time I am reminding myself I just left him only 4 hours previously and I needed calm the heck down. One part of me feels I am expecting too much. At the same time we've had all the necessary, responsible conversations about exclusivity, std testing and history and what-not and I know we are on the same page. BUT. . Another part me says - if a man just had sex with me, he would see I got home ok. . especially after a 90mile drive and IF he has called to say goodnight to me for the past 2 weeks, why of all nights would he not do so now?? Up til this moment he typically calls to say goodnight but here is my bedtime and my phone isn't ringing. I curl up in a ball in my bed and wrestle with myself and my expectations and I go back and forth and end up texting him: "everything ok?" Part of me is mad at myself. .the other parts are telling me I shouldn't have to and wait while I am perfectly capable. .Another part knows I won't sleep if I don't. He responds something about `craving to touch me' Yah, that's nice but not what I was looking for. I don't respond because honestly I didn't know what to say and my head was spinning so I continue to lay curled up in a ball. 5 min's later my phone rings. He's surprised I'm already in bed and I suppose had I waited a minute longer he would have likely called. I get that I am likely creating a problem where there isn't one. . But prior to this weekend anything could have happened and it would have barely phased me in the least. Now having crossed that line I recognize I now have something to lose and as much as I like feeling vulnerable, I hate it at the same time too. I like him . . . More than I have liked someone in quite some time. It scares the beejeebies out of me. Sooooooooo. . Everything I just wrote previous to this, I was just about to delete. But I will save it as a valuable reminder and entertainment purposes. Because just as I write the word `beejeebies', reception calls me to come up for a delivery. Flowers. .Pink and red roses. I can be a dork sometimes. . ok. .pretty often.
  22. reinventmyself
    S drove up for dinner last night. He left later then he should have and because of traffic his drive translated into over 2 hours. Add in the 1.25 drive home I was concerned if he would think it was worth effort.I am flattered that he does this. . But I am not that cute. . lol. 3 1/2 hours in a car for 4 hour face time was worth his while, at least that's what he says. The conversation is easy and I like that we can talk about more introspective type things. I like that in a man. He is thoughtful and has done a lot of personal work on himself. He's read some books on self development and attended some work shops. A definite plus in my opinion. He's doesn't hesitate on admitting his faults or weaknesses, or things he continues to work on. To me that is a huge sign of strength compared to those who ego won't let them go near the subject, let alone admit it to themselves. I did enjoy his company. . again my attraction meter goes up and down and as of today it's back up again. I see him on Saturday. Because of the distance I will stay the night. But he knows that sex isn't just a given with me because of the overnight. . not until it feels like the right next step. Just trying to enjoy it and stay in the moment.
  23. reinventmyself
    I suppose the fact that I am aware of it is a good sign. Now if I can keep it in check
  24. reinventmyself
    Thanks WL I have been accused of being ambivalent and withholding in most cases. At least in the beginning phases. S is already pointing it out to me. I think this is where I trip up. Is it me or them? He's a good guy. . just maybe not the guy for me.
  25. reinventmyself
    Oh no. . not again This weekend will tell.
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