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reinventmyself

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  1. reinventmyself
    M came over Friday night and even though we had a productive, healthy conversation and came up with some guidelines so this doesn't happen in the future. .I feel my feelings have cooled so much I don't know if I can get them back. We had a light dinner, sat and talked and with that I sent him home. The distance has allowed me to detach to this point. I explained to him that I don't operate like a light switch, that I have detached and checked out and it would take about the same amount time we've been apart to get back on track. . if it's possible. Add in he had to work yesterday and most of the day today we really haven't spent much time together in the last 9 days. Our schedules are such we don't see each other during the work week so another week will pass. This weekend job isn't typical but it's timing came as a blessing and curse I suppose So things are up for renegotiation. Not sure where we stand. At least I feel better that we got to talk, respectfully. I spent some time with the ex bf yesterday. I had an idea of which way to take the conversation so I could see behind the nice `I want you back, I've changed' veneer and I barely had to poke him to get the answers I needed. I saw the flickers of the old B, along with his controlling views that I am convinced he truly owns and is working on. After all he has lost every relationship over this and he knows it. But I for one am not up for the ride. I know full well these things are a process and not something you wish away. Though he would like me to believe otherwise. But I am smarter than I look So here I sit. .In my peaceful quiet home drinking a cup of coffee and processing all that's transpired over the weekend. Sadly, I am not right for either of these men. .nor are they right for me. I have no qualms about how to deal with B. M on the other hand pains me. . I don't need to act on this this morning. . It's not like I'll see him in the next few days.
  2. reinventmyself
    Can't say I would. Relationships are not without issues. Everyone needs to determine their own deal breakers and some things are manageable. He's a really good man and has been really good to me. .Not to be confused with perfect. My concern is this could very well be a deal breaker for me. . I am with holding decisions until I talk to him tomorrow. I plan on letting him speak first. .hear him out. .gage how I feel about it and then I will say my peace. Gage his reaction and response and then I will have to make a decision. I'm tend to not act impulsively but to put a lot of thought into decisions like this. Not to be confused with stalling. I am perfectly capable of pulling the plug if needed. I just need to do this in a way that feels right by me. On a side note his explanation of why his last marriage didn't work out. . First off, it was a total rebound and they really didn't know each other. Other than that he couldn't really elaborate other than she spent most of her time involved with church choir activities and he was busy working remodeling the house. I now can't help but wonder how much of this was about him shutting her out? I can only speculate. .
  3. reinventmyself
    Last night M texts me. . Are you still my girlfriend? (sad that he has to ask) I waited a moment or two and responded. `hard to tell lately' He asked to see me Friday night. . Problem for me is that in the moment I am upset . .I go to feeling hurt.. then angry. .then I being to detach because I don't like the discomfort of an unresolved issue that I can't resolve by myself. So I am left to do all I know how. . Get right with myself and move on. so when he's ready to talk . . I have shut down.
  4. reinventmyself
    EXACTLY! so there in lies my problem. I can assume we will talk on Friday. . when we typically see each other. I have few things to say to him. First. . That this relationship is important to me and resolving issues is imperative and I would have been on his doorstep to see that everything was resolved and not have left things unsaid for a week. And if I suspect he is upset for any reason I want to get the bottom of it asap. I expect the same in return. Secondly. . I don't ever use the term `break up' unless I am prepared to do so. He threw it out over text a couple times `if I treat you so badly then break up with me'.. First off I never said he treated me badly rather he wasn't handling this conflict responsibly. I will share with him during my marriage my ex used to say immature things like that for shock value. I didn't realize it until I actually said it (breakup) after 18 years, it was the first and last time I ever said it because I did indeed act on it.
  5. reinventmyself
    So I text M this morning asking if he was considering talking to me. We have both agreed that we handle things better in person. He's pretty much avoiding the challenging conversation that sits in the room like a giant elephant but to leave me hanging for days seems cruel not to mention irresponsible. His response to my text is that he's text me a couple snap chats and I in return have been quiet (texting/snapping?. . are we 12?) I had to sit on this for some time to settle down . .what I wanted to say was that him snapping me picture of his frozen dinner wasn't going to replace an actual adult conversation. But I thought better of that. . A couple hours later. .I wrote: . `I love the snap chats. . but we didn't finish our conversation' He said. . `it's hard to talk over the phone' Me: agreed. Since then I've gotten cute little stickers via FB, blowing me kisses. . .sigh oh yah. . more snap chats of the work site he's at. .but he sends those to his coworkers as well. He just happens to check my box as well so I can see what he's doing. .
  6. reinventmyself
    I'm on my phone so not talented at quoting text but browneyedG's question about regarding what my motive for talking to the ex might be. We'll honestly if I was madly in love with Mark I imagine I wouldn't be talking to him. That realization makes me sad. Today's has been hard. Marks been quiet which is normal for him on a good day. With an un resolved conflict looming I have no clue what to expect from him. Consider his being passive could he be waiting for me to fix it? Pretty sure I tried. I got a couple short texts today but that's it. Seriously, if he thinks this can wait til the weekend to resolve it may very well be too late.
  7. reinventmyself
    Thanks BEG36
  8. reinventmyself
    . . Besides if I held out for things I only wanted to hear, I would just continue to talk to myself
  9. reinventmyself
    No apologies WL. I needed to hear it, whatever it is!! I appreciate the feedback
  10. reinventmyself
    We are in a committed relationship. And tho the journal serves as a tool for venting it is easy to assume there's more conflict than there actually is. We do get along really well the major of the time. Unfortunately we don't always come here saying how great things are. Great wouldn't describe it. Not sure great exists but it's pretty good. I'm trying to learn something's about myself as I'm typically not attracted to good guys and that bad ones have taken its toll. You're right this week will be telling. I can't imagine what sex would be like w Mark after this. I know me well enough and this may have caused me to withdraw permanently in fear that I'm not going to get it right with him. I'm not going to settle for a incompatible sex life. As far as communication, when he's not heated he can be a great communicater. But having said that I also won't tolerate what I heard the other day. I'm rambling now and contridicting myself. Obviously confused The ex bf is texting this morning probably because I didn't respond from work. I asked him for space over the wkend. Like clockwork the weekends over. I'll ask for distance once again. Feeling on edge.
  11. reinventmyself
  12. reinventmyself
    to be fair, this is my side of the story. To hear the pain in his voice sharing how he can't seem to get it right and sensing I am not happy with our sex life makes me sad for him.
  13. reinventmyself
    well now, that would be the case in all my relationships. .I can speak up. . but I am can be inconsistent and at times, too late
  14. reinventmyself
    you're right. . I took today off and I am cleaning closets. . lots of thinking time
  15. reinventmyself
    A lot of what you say is spot on! .. But I know him to be a little self less and pleasing me is really important to him. That's why I am stumped. It's not right or wrong, just our individual ways are sooo different. I am just stumped as to why he isn't hearing me. What I do know it's - not because he doesn't care. So. . after I just finished that lengthy posting. . he's text apologizing knowing `he hurt us' Now I am the one who needs space to think about. .easy enough . .because the opportunity to talk . . .was yesterday. Hmmmph I am not sure what bugs me more . .,the sex mishap or his conflict style. . I am guilty of wondering if this has anything to do with the ex's presence.. . Am I putting this to the stress test and making comparisons?
  16. reinventmyself
    Mark and I got in an argument over the weekend. It's no secret that we have had some challenges in sexual compatibility but it's been workable.. in some/ a lot of ways/at times. I know better than to state things in a negative, `I don't like this' but rather `this is what I like'. In the moment it works and then the next time it goes right back to square one. My frustration is growing and until I come up with a better way, because what I am doing at 5mo's apparently it isn't working, I've grown quiet. Saying the same thing over and over will come off negative or nagging and I've seen flickers of his insecurity about it already. So for the last few weeks I am not saying anything. He is picking up on that fact that I am beginning to not get much out of it and it's becoming one sided. I feel like I am in a 'damned if I do, damned if I don't' position. He confronted me about it the other night and insisted I hadn't been sharing with him. I recounted the times I had . and also shared with him it worked great in the moment but it didn't seem to stick and I was at a loss to do. I was torn between trying to protect his feelings and trying to honor my needs and honestly kind a stuck about it. So . . we had sex. .square one. . him insisting that I ask for things and him barking at me to speak up which was upsetting as it felt as if he was taking his frustrations out on me. After a shower I came back to bed and he was cold and shut down. I got up and got dressed and left. Yesterday he didn't want to talk about it. I have learned this about him . . when he is upset he needs to shut down and needs space. I respect that and I can be that way myself at times. As the day wore on and turned down a couple invitations for the two of us and make alternate plans on my own I felt hurt and confused. Instead of leaving him be, I wanted to share with him as much as I wanted to respect his need for space but at the same we don't have the luxury of time. . he's not good about talking on the phone so based on our current schedules we probably wouldn't have a face to face for a week. This may be good for him but for me. . I felt it would take it's toll on our relationship. There are two of us here, he is not alone in being upset and talking about things like this are on his terms, period. No surprise the conversation didn't go well. Lesson learned. I went ahead and made my own plans for the afternoon and after my friends tagged me on FB out golfing . . . he starts initiating texting with cute little stickers.. .Now he reaches out. . Grrrrr. Only hours before he was shut down, hostile and hustled me off the phone. I don't know how to fix this. . . and I try to understand how this makes him feel as a man. At one point he insisted he didn't know or didn't hear (huh?!!), but I shared with him if he shared with me something he liked or preferred in bed, I would recite it memory. Add to this his I am learning his aggressive/conflict style is really immature. . tossing around .. 'If I am so bad to you, then why don't you leave?' (pretty sure I didn't say that ). Using terms, like `always' 'every time' and even used the term that I was `butt hurt' when I left. I cautioned him that he didn't need to speak disrespectfully to get my attention. . That I would always deal with him respectfully and not use derogatory terms which seems to be an automatic go-to for him. Part of this was provoked by his not be ready to talk about it. . But, , , he could have used mature words rather than using shock value to get his point accross .. I also told him I was really surprised because from where I stand topics like this should be dealt with respect and sensitivity. To go `there'. . getting ugly was making a challenging situation worse. Uhg. . I don't know where we stand today or if this is repairable. . Limbo isn't a good place for me.
  17. reinventmyself
    I have. . . not outright in those exact words, but in a round about way. . aka. not making myself clear. .cowardly and fickle all at the same time. I get that. It's just hard to want what you had in the beginning. .and not what you got in the end. I think you might understand. I used the words. .`I'd rather live alone and lonely the rest of my life than to go through that again' It's the other side of him . .`I will not ever be in the same room with you when you are like that' . . which in turn leaves the door open for him to make promises he can't keep. I told him I would never ask or expect him to be anyone he's not and that part of him (controlling) is an intrical part of who he is and I accept that. However I can't be with someone who is like that. It's not even a choice at this point. .it's like touching fire. I realize everything I say is open for debate but ultimately it's my decision and his words are just that, words.
  18. reinventmyself
    ""I feel bad about putting you through this. I guess I'm being selfish, but I'm not going to give up on us, unless you tell me so. We can't be the only couple that round 4 equals more, and ended up happy together! I hope I get that chance to see. I know our minds work differently, so take has much time as you need, and I will be here."" The ex's response to my email. I have asked for some respectful distance. I feel a little like a drama queen at the moment.
  19. reinventmyself
    I currently have plans with him tonight and tomorrow. I think another challenge for me is that our schedules are such that there is a huge disconnect because we don't see each other and don't talk on the phone during the week. He hates talking on the phone. We text often but for me. .as independent as I think I am it's not enough. I have tried talking to him on the phone and he's so awkward on the phone it's pretty pointless to try to so I give up. Here it is Friday and the last time I actually saw him and spoke to him was last Sunday, midday. I become so detached that I'm afraid that walking away wouldn't be too difficult. Another apparent thing to me was that I was joined the ex bf for dinner and because of M's communication or lack thereof, I could have another life with a husband and children and he wouldn't know!. . I don't really trust myself right now. . So I will withhold any decisions and just play close attention to how I am feeling with M given the way things have transpired. I want to make sure I wouldn't end it because the ex's presence and I am concerned that this could influence me.
  20. reinventmyself
    like a small child. .I want what I want. . but I can't have it. . Or better - it just doesn't exist. Thank you WithLove .. you are wise beyond your years
  21. reinventmyself
    I still love my ex. .the good parts of him I miss so much. . but not the controlling part. .That's the deal breaker. I am well schooled in controlling men and it's nothing to brag about. I didn't come this far to be with another one. If that was the case then I'd still be married and my sons would have had an intact family. The ex is not good for me, yet I still love him. (the good parts at the very least) M is good for me in so many ways but I can't help but wonder if his passivity is just a safe space for me. But I don't have that chemistry and connection that I think I should have. Especially noticeable in comparison the chemistry I felt in just a couple hours of visiting with the ex. Sadly we are attracted to what's familiar even if it's bad for us. .and I have a pattern of relationships with controlling men. Good example as why our psyches are so complex and have a habit of toying with us. . and feeling drawn to my ex. . Who bytheway promises me everything will be different. . . .hmmmph
  22. reinventmyself
    I agreed to meet up with the ex . . it was impulsive and I really wanted that `what was I thinking' moment and the spell would be broken. He's been emailing me since. . I just sent him this: So many thoughts go thru mind head since I saw you. . it’s hard to sort them out at the moment. I trust in time the jumbled thoughts will settle and I will have some clarity. At the moment I am all over the map. I had a moment that stopped me in my tracks yesterday. . putting groceries in my car and closing my trunk a voice that made me very sober and really sad at the same time. That if you really loved me and this was soooo important to you, there is no way in Haiti’s you would have risked losing me by letting an entire year pass. . again. This realization makes me feel foolish . . again. It also gives some me clarity about how I feel about the other person that I am seeing. . That I am not in love with him . .Not the way he needs me to be. Maybe I should just spend some time alone. . I don’t know. You showing up has turned things on its head. . Not sure if I should thank you for this or be mad at you. I am off at 3:00 today and have 4 whole days off. . yippee. . I chose to take Tuesday off because I know I wouldn’t have anyone to play with . The day is dedicated to cleaning out closets and purging. It’s the one thing that stops me from acquiring the home equity loan and doing some upgrades. I can’t imagine the disarray on top of all the unneeded, unused things I have acquired and are cluttering up my space. . . .Perfect timing as I will have some time to get clear with myself.
  23. reinventmyself
    The ex bf of 3 yrs keeps contacting me. .via email during work. . .Yes. .I allow it. Why do entertain this? .curiosity, unfinished business. . wishing he would take responsibility for his actions and apologize. Not that it would change anything. So ultimately he wants to be `friends'. Enough time has passed I can do this. But I have friends I talk to occasionally, I may even wish them happy birthday. But my friends don't contact me several times a day (email) and get frustrated when I won't make time for them. I am taking him at his word that it's friendship he wants but his actions scream `let's pretend nothings happened and pick up where we left off'. So I carry on doing exactly what feels right for me. . Friends, period. Merry F'n Christmas. He's called a few times and I haven't picked up. Last night I did. I never got to say all the things I wanted to say him . .Probably explains why I haven't answered because I knew I wouldn't be able to talk to him without vomiting all the unsaid conversations I had with him without the benefit with him being in the same room. 2 hours later and it's past my bedtime, midsentence I hustle him off the phone. I snuck up slowly on some historical items and by the end of the 2 hours I didn't hold back on anything. .anything. I got an apology after I spoon fed it to him . .I know better that it wasn't sincere, rather telling me what I wanted to hear in an effort to either get what he wanted, relieve his own discomfort, or to get me to shut up. He admits he isn't really looking for friendship . . but misses me and wants to reconcile? . `So why in the hell didn't you fight for me?' . ."A YEAR ago. . not now". . "Your apology is (sorta) nice but it would of made a difference a year ago, not now. .' I know him all too well . .he's cunning and manipulative and all I am to him today is a game and challenge. Like a cat and a mouse.
  24. reinventmyself
    oh I just reread this. . I can't say his behavior has changed in the negative sense. Everything was fine during our time together. He has had a pattern in the past that when he's alone he starts to contemplate things and brings them up later which catches me off guard. . Because during out time together you would have never guessed there was something brewing. So when he goes home and gets quiet it tends to give me that nervous `now what?' feeling. Add in the conversation about the ex gf and FB. He commented that deleting her would probably provoke her again. I can bet if she does he won't mention it. He tends to have a very low tolerance for drama. Or maybe zero is a better term Just unlike him to not text with all the lovely dovey texting stuff. . but then again. .that pace can be hard to maintain,. But so far this morning. .he seems back on track. I really think there is something to be said about being an introvert and needing the space to feel balance after the together time. I tend to be this way. . . .and I have followed your journal . . it is similar in some ways ;}
  25. reinventmyself
    Thanks Testcase and Notalady! I guess his behavior has changed. . probably because he's a lot more comfortable around me. . . or maybe it's just that I see a different side of him. He actually looks different to me in a lot of ways. I think back to the way he was when we first started dating and I it still makes sense, all my reservations and slow start with fits and spurts. But aside from him being reserved outwardly, inwardly he's a strong, capable man with incredible integrity. He's consistently positive and generous to others and myself. I have a great admiration for him and I can't say I have felt that way about other men I have dated. We are all human and make mistakes, but M has managed to life his life according to his plan and he's managed to take the high ride when adversity strikes. If catch myself saying something negative or complaining about something like work and I can tell though he patiently listens, it's just not in his nature to look at the negative side of things. It causes me to check myself. . and try to not focus on the trivial petty things. Let's say he brings out the best in me. .
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