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reinventmyself

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  1. reinventmyself
    Creeping up on 5 months and things continue to get better. My insecurities are starting to creep up as well. . as expected when I become attached, I am afraid of losing someone. We had an incident that flared up his most recent ex gf when she caught wind of me on FB. I'll save all the details but she tried a few different ways, including friending one of my friends and friend requesting me in an attempt to find things out about me. When that didn't pan out she contacted Mark and was overly aggressive and hostile which might suggest she isn't quite over him. Coincidently, someone painted the side of his truck the following morning. Luckily it was house paint so it came off rather easily. Hmmmm I waiting a couple weeks before I said anything about them still being FB friends. What I did say was that if an ex of mine in anyway tried to create drama I would defriend him so quick it would make your head spin. After all I did pull a few left over pictures of my ex when he asked why I still had them on there. (I feel like I am high school) With that comment he pulled out his phone and defriended her. I don't know exactly if he saw it the same way I did and I guess I wish he had thought to do so on his own and not because of my comment. I could tell he wasn't comfortable about the discussion or defriending her .. so now I am second guessing myself. We spent the nice weekend together and today it's back to work. He did leave a little earlier than usual so I could spend time with my mother and my sons yesterday. Last night and today he's pretty quiet and my insecurities are ramping up. I am tossing thoughts around and trying to find some balance. He tends to be introverted and I notice that he does get a little quiet when he leaves after a long weekend. No doubt trying to find his balance as well. It's hard to go from 2 1/2 days together to almost silence. He has also started a new job that is much more demanding. The honeymoon has passed and all the little texts and smiley faces are fading away. . AND with that . .he just text me. ha! I can see why I can be a hold out while dating not wanting to cross over into relationship land. . I hate these insecure moments when you realize that something you value is never really yours to have. .just to borrow on occasion. Basically, I don't like Mondays Funny how in a couple days of being away from each other I will detach and swing to my uber dependent side and question whether I can be in a relationship.
  2. reinventmyself
    My ex of one year has been in contact with me recently. One year, 4/27 to be exact. That was one of my more difficult break ups. I pictured my future with him and in the end it was as if he was two different people. Or most likely me splitting him in half so I could justify staying. I felt so betrayed. I fell in love with this nice gentle fun man who in the end was calculating, intolerant, condescending and controlling with a temper. For the past week I've come into work every morning with a good morning email like old times and at times we email back and forth during the course of the day. Last night I got a good night text. Him acting as if nothing's happened. .an entire year later. And me so easily willing to block out the bad parts of him and our relationship history. My last conversation with him, he asked to friends . . my sarcastic response was 'maybe in a year'. Did he count the days? What does he want and does it matter? Why don't I come right out and ask? One of the things we used to do is ride his motorcycle. Long trips through the foothills and along the coast. For Christmas he bought a beautiful leather jacket and gloves that I left at his house the day I walked out when he wasn't looking and never went back. That break up pushed me back into therapy. Did I not learn anything from my marriage? He made my exH look like a boy scout But I grieved that ending for months. So why do I engage him? I guess much like my ex H I hope to hear those words. .`I - am - sorry' "I was wrong and treated you poorly". But this will never happen after all they are both narcissists. He's asked me to come for a ride on Sunday. Of course I won't go but part of me wants to. I didn't tell him yes and I haven't told him no. Actually I've been sick and I am using this as my excuse. (feeling fine today) I haven't told him I am seeing someone . . He hasn't asked. I guess I like the attention . .There you go . . .a small moment that isn't pretty. I still wrestle with the 2 B's. . one I still miss and think of. .And the other B, who I won't be in the same room with . . ever. I had to dig out my journal of the 4 full pages of mean, odd things he said to me that either were hurtful, confusing, scary or just plain thru me off balance. Frantically digging through my closet the other night looking for that pink journal I wrote in a year ago. There it was. . I carry it to work with me now. Yet, I get to go home tonight and see M. . Easy, steady, uncomplicated M. Is it 5 oclock yet?
  3. reinventmyself
    I just reread this entire thread and wanted to touch on the intellectual part. I don't know if I can put it in words let alone put my finger on it. . M may not be intellectual in the typical sense. I think he has limitations on how to articulate things but it isn't due to a lack of understanding. It's as if something may be short wired there. I am watching him and he's very intuitive with a sharp sense of humor. . Very capable in every way except when it comes to articulating certain things. .hard to explain. So complex things don't get past him! If you hear him speak you might think otherwise at times. It's kind of a contradiction. .
  4. reinventmyself
    Thanks NL . .Nice to see yours evolving as well!!
  5. reinventmyself
    We are approaching 4 months and I for one wouldn't have betted on us getting this far. I've had some time to reflect on why things have shifted and what has kept me from letting this go. The more I develop feelings for M the more he relaxes and shows himself to me. It's been such a slow process, but worth it. I am certain my attraction in the past for arrogant and controlling men influences me for as much as I don't want to be with a man with such characteristics, it has been intrinsic to what I have been attracted to. So M's gentleness swings to the far opposite end for me and as much as he has been passive at times, it doesn't feel that way so much now. While he becomes more comfortable with me he is capable of enforcing boundaries with me (and others) and is capable of telling me no at times, which is such a relief. I've also watched him distance himself from a friend and set boundaries with him over something he didn't care for. . I am seeing much more of a gentle 'Man's man' that is slowly becoming so much more attractive to me. I also recognize how in the past my tolerance for time together with my partner was so short lived. A heavy dose of togetherness caused me to want to retreat and regroup. I was thinking that maybe I had become too independent at this point and taking a relationship to another level and even living together was just not going to be in the cards for me. M's easy nature doesn't cause that . . He's so easy to be around and I am starting to miss him when we aren't together. I compare that to my last serious relationship and it's no wonder I wanted to get away and hide. . I always assumed it was just me.
  6. reinventmyself
    It's been a while since I updated this. . I knew I was just repeating myself and wanted to wait until something changed or broke lose. Mark and I had a disagreement last Friday and he left right after dinner. We talked the next day and tho in retrospect the conflict was minor but what was more important was the way we handled it. Both are runners. When things get challenging you run. Funny how a conflict can bring you closer. So I am seeing him a little differently as of late. There is some depth to him I hadn't seen and even tho the passiveness and shyness is something I still wrestle with, I am appreciating the all the other parts of him that more than make up for it. Sexually we are becoming more comfortable with each other so that area is definitely improving as well. My ex of a year ago has been in contact a couple times recently. Last Sunday, funny how he was on my mind because we would watch golf together and here I was watching the Masters with Mark. After Mark left B started to text. Apparently I had been on his mind as well. This time a little more flirtatious and familiar than the last time. . I hustled him off my phone I flashed through my 3 years with B and tho there were so many things I loved about him, in the end he was calculating, mean and controlling. Such a contrast to Mark, who I appreciate so much more. Even more today. I also tend to be fickle. . .so we'll see how long this lasts. .
  7. reinventmyself
    again. . just finished lunch with a coworker/friend. she asked how things were going and cautioned me to not end this and give it more time. . she knows my history well and reminds me how I've been attracted to not so nice men and a good one comes along, who's not perfect and I am ready to sabotage. some truth to this. . .but doesn't change the chemistry and whom we are attracted to but if I am attracted to controlling men .. (attracted and ultimately disgusted by). .I just want off the crazy train.
  8. reinventmyself
    I see M tonight. I haven't seen him since Sunday. I've also been experiencing a lot of anxiety these past few days. I have a hard time pin pointing what's causing it but what I've learned, it's typically due to something I may be avoiding. . (thx to years of therapy I've talked to a couple friends about this. . they think I should hang in a little longer. The more I voice it out loud the more I feel conflicted. Talking about it should help . ..but it confuses me more. I've had a guy I met just before M keep in touch sporadically. His schedules been opposite mine so dating him never really got off the ground. He now has a new schedule and wants to see me. I am tempted but for integrity reasons I can't. I can't help but wonder if it would help me or confuse me. I also met someone a couple weeks ago who's been asking about me through a friend. That and ghosts from the past. .yet another one reaching out since the first one Sunday. . . eh. .no wonder I feel anxious. I think I should spend some time alone. . honestly.
  9. reinventmyself
    "" It seems like you're taking a very passive "wait and see" stance on this, but...I think you'll find that doing that isn't going to make things magically turn to where he is the perfect man for you."" Thank you browneyedgirl .well put. . I just need to wrap my head around this for a day or two. Passive, probably. Just not something I can do right now, not without some thought.
  10. reinventmyself
    Spent another nice weekend with M. I went with him to buy a car (for him) It became clear to me that I may have underestimated his learning disability and at times he seemed on track with the salesman and other times a little lost. I had to explain things to him a couple times. Aaaargh. . For the past few months our weekends usually include my friends or his but this weekend it was just the two to of us. As I had feared being alone the connection and chemistry is lacking . . along with conversations as well. The sex isn't the best. . but a work in progress. I was left confused and frustrated when he left yesterday and I was home alone to think this through. I feel an attachment to someone I doubt I will fall in love with in time. I am frozen at the thought of letting him go. I wrestle with the knowledge that I tend to want things back after I have lost them. I am also frozen with the thought of disappointing him. I feel as I am trying so hard to make this into something it's not. . As I am curled up on the couch last night alone, my recent ex, whom I have been NC with in almost one year (4/14) texts me. UNCANNY!!. .I have said it before and will again. Ex's have some sort of radar. I am convinced! Though he was controlling and emotionally abusive, I still miss the good parts of him . .the good was really good, the bad was really bad. . And NO I would never go back. But he caught me at a bad moment. My life full of bad choices in men flash before me. Nothing else to do but throw this up to the Gods and see where it lands. So for today. . . I do nothing. I am back at work after an absence taking care of my mom . .just burying myself in work. aka (head in the sand)
  11. reinventmyself
    There in lies the problem. He's low in the intelligence department but far surpasses most or any man I've dated in most if not all other areas. I don't feel I have much control over the dips in attraction and connection when he says something not quite right or misuses the English language. Last night for instance. He was meaning to say dis-respect. Came up with un or non, I had to feed him the word. Our conversations typically skim the surface without a whole lot of sunstance. Uhg. I'm tired. Didn't sleep well. So probably not in the best frame of mind right now. Thank you for your input. It really does help I have to add: I am (a young) 55 and alot of men my age aren't looking for relationships, most I am not physically attracted to and a good portion of them.arent very active. Factor in the ones who want much younger women too Marks hits all the marks (pun) as a great partner. I'd be silly to keep throwing back fish thinking I can find a better.
  12. reinventmyself
    I am sure Mark would handle himself graciously. He has a very gentle demeanor. My concern was that he may get lost in the context of the game or comprehension part of it I guess I would call it. But you're right. I should not protect him and see what he's capable of now rather than later. I dated a `rocket scientist' once -aerospace engineer. He had zero social skills and was about to lose his home. He cashed out some of his retirement to try to get ahead and the first 3 things he did with the money was buy new tires for his rv, and a newer ATV for his 11 yr old daughter and upgrade his timeshare (? Huh). Not sure if he ever lost his home. . didn't stick around long enough to find out. I come from an above average intelligence family. (not sure where I fit in . .lol) My Dad and brother are aerospace engineers so I suppose I have been surrounded by very cerebral people most of my life. The job I have I am surrounded by doctors and lawyers. I have no real formal education. Wandered around a community college before I got married and was a stay at home wife for years. Mark has had the same great union job for 30 years, fat pension and has been looking at a home to purchase. He's been sitting on some money since his divorce 3 yrs ago and taking his time. He's owned 3 homes in his lifetime and remolded each himself. Much like me he doesn't use credit cards and is pretty financially set. So with that ramble I better close. He's on his way over to help me dog sit. My mother has been in the hospital the past 3 days. . The dog is lost without my om and I can't get to go for a walk with me. I refer to it as taking the dog a for a `drag'. Mom's good . . being released tomorrow. . Better run
  13. reinventmyself
    I do consider the 80/20 rule. But when I feel I need to dial things down in very simple terms when talking to him or in fear he won't understand, it kills my attraction. I really get angry with myself about this and I know I should be grateful for all his great qualities. Again, if I was in fear of losing him I would want him back. At the same time we have everything in common and have a lot of fun together. I can't help but wonder if it's more of an intimacy issue of mine. I have a tendency to push men away. I tend to like the ones that don't like me too. I don't want to live this way any longer. He's present, available and says he's in love with me. It's probably part of what makes me want to push him away. I will tell you that my friends had a dinner party the other night. They were supposed to play a game, sorry I don't recall the entire name something about `. . . . .humanity' From what she described it was reading captions from a deck of card and some obscure humor. Mark and I didn't go as they were starting pretty late and he needed to be up very early for work. I was alittle relieved because I was concerned that Mark wouldn't understand or be able to hold his own with the game as my friend described. I didn't want him to be embarrassed. I'll never know. Then there are times he surprises me with his humor and wit. He admits having had a learning disability when he was younger and issues with reading. At the same time he is the most capable, put to together, organized man I know. Then I've dated really intelligent men that couldn't get their s**t together. I am conflicted. .
  14. reinventmyself
    Thx notaladay. Your experience helps me re focus. I will make an actual.physical list to look at. I have the running dialog one in my head and I know the pros are really long and the cons not so much It would help seeing it on paper. I do know for sure if I let this go I will regret it but at the same time I'm uncomfortable straddling the fence for more then 3 mos. Not to mention he senses it. Helps to hear your story again. Besides, th here will alway be 'something' II just need to pick my battles.
  15. reinventmyself
    Thx for asking I'm afraid I'll sound like a broken record repeating g myself. Things are going well and I continue to waffle in and out of that loving freling. I reeeealy don't want give up this though. There is so much going for it but I am concerned at times that I should feel more for him then I do. Last night he made a couple comments where he came off a little simple (I hate saying that because I think it makes me sound arrogant) When he does this combined with being overly nice I feel my budding feelings for him sink. The bigger part of me doesn't want to give up on this, we are so good together on so many levels but I can't help but wonder if this will ultimately take a toll. He's a great guy too and I don't want to waste his time. My friends love him and keep telling to hang in there. So. . That's all I got. More of the same
  16. reinventmyself
    good luck tomorrow. . and enjoy !
  17. reinventmyself
    Not much has changed since my last update. I did have a really great weekend with him last week. . sneaking up on that falling in love feeling. He still makes it known that he's `there' and not bothered that I am not and still trying to catch up. I am a little doubtful that it doesn't bother him as much as he insists. So things are moving along and I am feeling really good about everything and then . .I see him mid week. He's quiet. . nervous. . I think my alter ego (conservative business suit) throws him a little. Out of work I am reeeeallly causal. Jeans, sweater, boot girl. Can't put my finder on what got him wound up but over dinner I find myself rattling on endlessly otherwise there is that awkward silence and he's nervously shifting in his seat. I can hear myself, so I stop. . . . silence. He smiles. . more silence. All this adds up to my desire and budding loving feelings crashing. .Uhg. . I am left wondering if we are right for each other, again. I've tried to tell him in the past and will do so again . .that for me `connection' is everything and given his natural demeanor to be reserved I struggle feeling connected. . and connection builds attraction. Without it . . it's gone. Aside from that I know it shouldn't feel so fragile. . .that I could lose it that easily. It's been a brutal couple weeks at work and I am tired and not my best self. It's not a good sign when I wake up with hives the side of my face. . Really??!!! He wants to see me tonight but I am opting to staying home, alone with a movie, wine. .catch up on some rest and see if I can't rally for him for the weekend.
  18. reinventmyself
    Mark ended up being sick all weekend. But he did rally for a couple hours to go with me to meet up with my friends and listen to a band we like Saturday night. Meeting my friends is such a beta test for me. This is the second time and they love him. I also tune into how I feel when I am along side of him in this group. It's all good This group of friends are really fun. .men and women, mostly unattached but very friendly, no hit ups or hook ups. . we've known each other too long for that. You would need to be open minded, secure with yourself and need a good sense of humor to fit in with this group. My last bf didn't fit in so well. Mark likes them and vice versa. I felt bad he wasn't feeling well and surprised he stayed longer than expected. We didn't have our 'talk' as planned. . but rather chatted some on the phone on Friday and I think I gave him enough to think about that he backed down. As it turned out he was pretty disappointed that I had asked him to check his feelings and comments to let me catch up. He was at the point he thought he may be wasting his time and I wouldn't ever come around. I won't go into all the details but I think what I said got through to him and I saw him again last night. He commented on it and it seemed to make sense to him. After everything. .he added. .'You show me all the time how much you care, I don't know how I got so hung up those 3 words. .so much so I was ready to throw in the towel. So for now, I'll wait until your ready. Sorry I pushed" I smiled and told him to `enjoy the process.' Huge bonus points for him right there!. . .I like him more already
  19. reinventmyself
    I see him tonight for our `talk' Work's been crazy, stressful busy, my best friend and I aren't speaking. . I have the day off to see the dentist to fix a chipped tooth I am not sleeping well. I can be pretty thoughtful and fair when discussing emotional issues when I want to. . expect when I am stressed. . my tolerance is really low right now. Afraid I may say the wrong thing. Having played the past two months over. . he's questioned and doubted things from the beginning. Now this. I am going to tell him that it's interesting that we are having 2 different experiences. I have enjoyed the past 2 mo's and in turn he seems miserable.
  20. reinventmyself
    Update. . he texts me that he wants to `talk' tomorrow. I respond. . should I be concerned? He says: Maybe. Slightly annoyed I called him and said it's not really nice to be cryptic about something that's almost 2 days away from addressing and maybe he should consider telling me what's on his mind now or at the very least what the topic is. He says it hurts him when I tell him that I don't want him to not share how he feels about me and if he loves me he wants to say so. And in turn after this amount of time if I don't know how I feel about him then there is a `problem' I stayed calm, yet the very word `problem' is a hot button for me and I said I would be happy to discuss this with him tomorrow but in the meantime to give some thought to stating that my timing is a `problem'. That I can fully respect where he is at and his timing and he ought to consider respecting that my timing is a difference, not right or wrong or certainly not a `problem' His tone was that of defeat and surrender, as if I don't feel the way he does it hurts too much to continue. He said something to the effect that 'you don't know how you feel about me'. I quickly responded back . "but I do know how I feel about you and I make it clear to you in several ways" Ack ..I am having a week. ;( He does need to be reminded that if he is reserved and not very talkative, it's taking longer to get to know him. I don't fall in love with men I don't `know' and I know the difference between that and infatuation in the early stages. I feel like my hand is being forced. . This will backfire. He didn't respond to my last 2 texts.. hours apart. I called him and he said he just got the last one but not the previous. I told him I was just checking. .not clear on the seriousness of this and wondering if he was going dark on me between now and tomorrow night. He assured me he wasn't. . and said `I would say 'something' but you don't like it when I say it' (love you) Serious? Can he leave lie for a minute? sigh this suddenly feels like all or nothing.
  21. reinventmyself
    I did see him last night and I brought up the bike and the fact that I noticed a price tag under the bottom bar, only noticeable when he was putting the bike on the bike rack. He reeled his head back and said `I know I know". . then referred to his friends having given him all sorts of grief over such an extravagant gift. He recognized that it wasn't the best decision but defended that it was the first bike he saw and couldn't stop thinking of it while he continued to shop. He does like nice things and has really good taste. . so that's his defense. At the same time I could tell he was a little embarrassed. We talked some more about me feeling pressured by the terms of endearment and the fact that I had asked him to dial back and let me catch up and not only did I feel this wasn't happening but it was causing me to pull back more. He came back saying if he dialed too far back he was afraid he wouldn't recover. ."really?" I said . .`it sounds as if it's all or nothing". "You don't think you could manage to find a sweet spot somewhere in between?" He agreed. So that's where we are at. He ended up with the most intense case of hiccups I have ever seen and ended up sleeping on the couch. .
  22. reinventmyself
    Yup. . Yah. .I know what's going on . . because I've been him. I don't typically act on it and have more self control but when you feel someone is out of reach or pulling away it makes you anxious. Having said that I really try to let him know I have the same goal and try to move towards him... I feel he may swallow me up whole sometimes. .
  23. reinventmyself
    There were no specifics on Vday exchanges. I didn't think I needed to. ;/ Apparently I was mistaken. I bought him his favorite hair product(s). . awkward. Yes. .I will have to have this talk with him again. He still throws out the `L' word even after I asked him to dial back. I guess he may have refrained for a day or two and now it's back on.. . hmmm, if he even refrained I may have missed it. I guess I need to be more specific. I do feel pressured. and maybe a little `bought' right now. It was kinda sad, his best friend and gf came by and saw the bike. These two are young and have been together for 5 yrs and she's desperate to get married. He sent her flowers and we went to dinner together. When she saw the bike her face fell . . .and I can tell she was a little upset. I don't blame her. . but on the other hand. . flowers and dinner feels appropriate to me! Thanks for sharing your story. . makes me feel better that you've been there and through it and it still worked out. I am feeling really on edge lately and afraid I may cut him lose and regret it. He is such a great guy in so many ways. . It's just hard to be objective. . thx! (this bike has wooden fenders, handles and basket, leather embossed seat with lacing. .good grief. .I didn't know they made bikes like this)
  24. reinventmyself
    . . I am in emotional hibernation mode. Between him and my best friend I just need to shut down sometimes. . . He bought me a bike for Valentines day. We've been dating 7 weeks and he thought an $800 bike was an appropriate gift ;( I guess the talks about him dialing it back a bit in order for me to adjust and catch up wasn't heard. I don't know what to do right now. .so for now I will do nothing. When I step back and crawl into my shell. .the answer tends to come to me.
  25. reinventmyself
    After a lengthy conversation I've decided to take it day by day and have no expectations. He's eager to go to therapy and the dr actually did give him a couple of prescriptions. I was under the assumption he was denied any assistance. The more we talked it over what floated to the surface for me was that I was really resentful. I told him I suspect he knew it was bigger problem than he let on and if he had a suspicion he couldn't participate fully in a romantic relationship, then why on earth was he dating? And. .if this was an emotional issue. .then why wasn't he dealing with it before he decided to join a dating website? I shared with him there have many times in my life I knew for what ever the reason I shouldn't date because I had my own personal things to get in order first. I feel a little cheated when I think of all the hard work I have done over the years and he is only now. . after finding someone he likes, considering starting his. His response was that he hadn't met anyone he like until me. . . .that made me angrier. .How unfair is that to me?. . and to him? Anyway . .after some more discussion . .It's clearly just not black and white for him. I can see how he assumed it was the impulsive choice in his last partner/wife combined with his last dr telling him his testosterone was low. As much as I want to stay mad and disappointed. . it's also not that easy. He is genuinely eager to start counseling. . and I like him . One day at a time. I did warn I may be dialed back a little. . and if he'll be patient with me I'll be patient with him. Meanwhile. . I am booking up my time with my gal pals. . life goes on and I learned along time ago, I don't have a crystal ball.
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