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reinventmyself

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  1. reinventmyself
    Well, perfect then .. my friends are already highly inappropriate ! We'll be on my patio (with the twinkly lights) I might have to apologize to my neighbors later. Someone shared a story of their naïve grandmother playing CAH and she had no clue what she was saying, which of course made it that much funnier. And I have played Apples to Apples. . fun game too!
  2. reinventmyself
    I am in a different place now. Typically after a break up I do take some time off, but despite that fact I am usually thinking about dating. . or when I will date, or when I might put my profile back up. Though things dragged on with M and I, if I look back we really haven't been together since the beginning of July. I guess all the fuss in between then and now counts too. But I've been for the most part on my own since things fell apart just before the 4th of July weekend. Having said that I am not thinking of dating. I try to imagine putting a profile up and I just can't imagine it. This is kinda odd for me.. .ha ha Because I wasn't really emotionally invested this breakup hasn't been that difficult. More of a lifestyle adjustment. One would think I would bounce back quicker. Maybe because the last breakup was difficult and impacted me emotionally I was more inclined to date sooner than I was ready? . for all the wrong reasons of course. I dunno. . just thinking out loud. I guess I am surprised at my lack of interest at this point and it's not really about bouncing back. Maybe it's more about being content. Add in the factor that my last two relationships were drama filled. That's all I associate it with at this time. . drama. Maybe it's because of the summer months, where my friends are out and about and there isn't a lack of things to do. I am glad I am not missing out on the fun. I am having 8 women over on Saturday to play Cards Against Humanity. I haven't played it yet but I hear it's a riot. That and some comfort food and wine. Therapy for the soul! I spend last Saturday fixing up my patio with some new flowers and some more twinkly solar lights. I kept thinking there was a limit in how many you can have before it becomes overkill. I am finding out, there is no such thing as too many solar lights! I stand in my kitchen at night and look at my patio. . Little things make me smile. So for now. .today, things are good. I am sure it doesn't hurt to have my older son living with me for the time being. A man around the house. . He's good company and very low maintenance. And in two weeks I leave to drive 3 states away with 11 (crazy) girlfriends for a five day trip along a river with white water rafting, zip lining and golf. Oh yes. .and more comfort food and wine! Alot to be grateful for. . in case I forget
  3. reinventmyself
    Ha ha. I've considered updating this a couple times but it is my 'dating' journal after all and I'm not dating ; ) Life is good and I've been busy spending time with my friends. I can't lie and say I haven't had any contact with Mark. But what little I've had has only reinforced my decision. It feels good to be at peace and resigned to the whole thing and I still think he's a great guy but not the guy for me. Nor am I the girl for him. I wish him the best. Life has a sense of humor at times and loves to throw me curve balls. A couple years ago while online dating a man emailed me and his profile name had a reference to the state I live in. We exchanged a couple emails before I realized he live 3 states away! Long story short we stayed in touch sporadically, exchanging dating stories and a few times lengthy philosophical phone calls. His pictures were very handsome yet he's just a little too right wing conservative for me. There was never any flirtatious overtones in our conversations. He knew I was dating someone lately so we hadn't communicated but a couple times, a text hello, the entire year. It's been a few months since either one last reached out and yesterday he text asking me to meet him for a drink. I laughed it off responding I was on my way. As it turns out he's in town for business!. So fun to actually sit and talk real time to someone you never phathomed meeting. He's even more handsome and engaging in person yet I didn't feel any attraction. Aside from the distance and our different (not conflicting) views I'm just not in a place at the moment to be attracted to any man. I'm just enjoying being single at the moment. That may change but for the time being I'm not giving it much thought. I had to chuckle at myself on my way home last night. My life is definitely never dull, lol And I need to thank my friend for reminding me what's like to sit accross from a man who shares things about himself and isn't afraid to so. I know more about D than I ever did about Mark.
  4. reinventmyself
    Well put. . printing this up ..thx
  5. reinventmyself
    The only thing I can not block is my work phone. He has called it daily last week leaving vms' and for the most part I deleted them. By the advice of my family they suggested I at least listen to one of them so see where his state of mind is at. Last week him wanting to reschedule the return of my chair, again. (NOT!) Today is was him saying he thought of me all weekend, missed me and hoped I was ok and that he wouldn't bother me anymore. It feels like bait. . much like the return of my chair he holds hostage just to get me to 'come out and play' I had a weak moment. .seeing I drove into work upset imagining that he has already has someone new in his life. When I got the vm I called him back. .and hung up. so he knows I have called. Impulsive moment. . that I can't take back. I am kicking myself right now because I have seen signs of him wanting to bait me in an exchange just to push me away already. It can be a sick little dynamic where they set up you in hopes you will turn into the pursuer so they can then push away . . just to massage their egos and project their own discomfort on me. (it works sometimes ) That and if he has a new acquaintance, the dynamic shifts and they aren't particularly nice when they think they some sort of back up plan. I just wish I was a little smarter than all of this. .seeing I am able to call it what it is. .Acting on it and feeling confident about it is the challenge.
  6. reinventmyself
    Despite everything. . how do I keep from second guessing myself when I see he's online dating? (I really have been good, not great, but good about it not looking) I hadn't checked since last week and I looked this morning because I fooled myself into thinking I could handle it. I see he's pulled his profile and from my knowledge of him is he only likes to meet one person at time. This morning his profile is gone suggesting he's already met someone. My head swirls with second guessing myself and trying to stay on track. Add in I come in to see he's left me a vm early this morning on my work phone. I feel emotional. I wrestle with not wanting to personalize what he's doing but it still feels hurtful and temptation to reach out and pull him back is strong. I've done this before and for all the wrong reasons. . One would think I have learned this lesson and it was a painful one. .going back to a bad relationship only to have it end even worse than before.
  7. reinventmyself
    Yah. . Go figure ;/-
  8. reinventmyself
    Earlier in my journal I listed all M's positive attributes in an effort to talk myself into to staying. Seems fitting to now make a list of his negatives if for no other reason than just to keep me on track: Passivity that would swing to passive aggressiveness Physical affection that was more rigid and awkward than spontaneous and warm. His ED issues. Inability to share anything about himself and be known. Actual fear of intimacy and connectedness. His ability to sabotage it. Lack of empathy. Posturing himself to be a victim or a martyr. No matter how much I side stepped it when I saw it coming, he would actually twist his way into it. (weird) His ability to hear criticisms when they weren't there. Twisting what I said and repeating it back to me. His running away and being overly emotional. The cycles of drama. Inability to handle any stress, whether with us or work related. It felt as if he had no skin and everything made him feel raw and effected. His way of punishing me by being withholding only to come back and see if I complied. .just to do the same thing over and over. His emotional maturity of a 5 year old.
  9. reinventmyself
    I have managed to book up every minute of my time and being a little over indulgent lately. This is a good thing. . but. . it also equates to running. Today I have a couple options. One of them going with a friend to Meetup with a travel group having an informational meeting about a 2 week trip to Italy in Oct. Problem is it's an hour drive there and back and pretty much uses up my entire Sunday and there are several things I really need to get done today. Plus. .I need to slow down and get comfortable in my own skin and adjust to being alone. Can't do that if I run from one thing to another. Italy. . hmmm. I first need to check with my boss about a project we are starting that will end sometime in the beginning of October. I am wondering if I am not really in place that I ought to be making a big decisions. Concerned that I may just be impulsive. Awkward yesterday while I was at a friends bbq. I was asked where M was a couple times. I kept thinking how much he loved my friends and would have loved being there. Natural I suppose. But I don't doubt I've done the right thing, especially now with a little distance I am able to be more objective. Just because it's the right decision doesn't always make it easy.
  10. reinventmyself
    Samsung S5 My previous phone I could block. .this one I can add him to a do not call status (on the phone itself) but I still get an indicator that he's tried to reach me. So between my carrier and my phone options. .this is it. I think there is feature, at a cost with Verizon, but it's not that necessary. I'll just deal with it. ;/
  11. reinventmyself
    I am moving forward and keeping busy. However. . .Even tho his number is blocked and he can't call me. I do get texts from him that I am unable to open. I guess that's all Verizon can do about blocking texts. It's like a little knock on my door. It sets me back each time. . just a tiny bit, but something nonetheless. One yesterday and just now. .a call to my voice mail at work. I haven't looked today but I am certain he's online shopping. All the fits and spurts of an ending and second guessing myself. There isn't anything more final in my book then when they go back on dating website while simultaneously trying to get your attention. That and a lack of impulsive control.
  12. reinventmyself
    I suppose. As much as it doesn't surprise me I never get used to it. I guess the part the irks me is he proclaimed he was always more in love then I was. There's some truth to that I suppose because he couldn't allow me to know him enough to love him. It was like trying to warm up to a mud fence. So if he was so in love as he proclaimed how is it he can move on so quickly. Uhg, no need to answer I already know. . Just venting.
  13. reinventmyself
    You're right. Its an attempt to circumvent the bad feelings and, no I truly didn't want to just walk away. Most break ups are not black and white. It's a process of working on the knowledge and acceptance of what it is and the flicker of hope of what you wanted it to be. I'm not going to beat myself up for it because I cracked a door open to see what's there only to reaffirm I'm on the right track. Unnessary drama? Absolutely! No more second guessing, yes.
  14. reinventmyself
  15. reinventmyself
    I have friend whom we email back and forth from work at times. She's my voice sanity at times. . I sent this to her this morning: . . I am having a hard time I had another go around with Mark. When I unblocked the FB messenger to ask him about my beach chair Sunday (I know, stupid me!! . he didn’t leave the chair to get a reaction out of me and it worked) I find out after the fact I can't block him again for 48 hours. I endure 48hrs of nonsense which I ignored. He was intense and impulsive and seemed a little desperate, so I cave and asked if he was willing to have a face to face (because honestly all this electronic stuff is so juvenile and goes nowhere) He was actually quiet for a little while. . only to come back again and break up with me. Which is kind shocking and comical at the same time seeing we aren't together for him to break up with me anyway. I feel like bowling pins he’s been desperately trying to set up just so he can kick them down in order to feel better, over and over. `Come back, go away. I feel so foolish that I open myself up to this one last time. I am able to block him as of yesterday so instead he leaves me a voicemail at my work wanting to talk. At this point he’s just irrational and unhinged and honestly I feel a little unsafe. Yes, I ignored the VM. I found him on Match the other day, he said he was looking for me. . It’s possible. . hell anything is possible. How is it these guys can replace me so easily? So last night and this morning he’s on Match shopping away. He’s all volatile and kooky right now and looking for a date? How do you do that?? I already know what you'll say. . Don't look, silly! Effective immediately. . no looking! Any discomfort from this point on is my own doing. I know the rational part of me knows this isn’t about me but about his insecurity. But the emotional side of me is still offended and hurt and a little unnerved that this is my dating pool and what he’ll be like for his next lady friend. I know. . not my problem. I just want to stay mad and disgusted and not care. But it still hurts. . Not sure what I did to deserve this. .but at the same time this keeps happening to me. . Thanks for listening. . ugh. . I may never date again.
  16. reinventmyself
    Along with the key M asked for, he also requested his bike lock back. I found a beach towel of his as well. I figure if he's making the trip, Ill make it worth his while. I left a note about not finding the key, thanking him for returning the beach chair and asked him to leave his address so I could mail the key if I came accross it. I came home to see he took the lock and towel and didn't leave the chair, nor did he leave his address on the note. This means this man went through the trouble to drive 20 miles to my home, park his car and get a chair out of his trunk, walk around the complex to my front courtyard, just to walk the chair back to his car and put it back in his trunk. I can only imagine he thinks this is a game because this is his way of operating. Not mine. It's so juvenile. Plus this whole thing ended over his repeated attempts to teach me a lesson. Not sure why I am surprised. Uhg. .Surely he realizes I can buy a $25 beach chair. He can keep it as a constant reminder. I need to thank him for reminding me why we aren't together.
  17. reinventmyself
    uhg . .It doesn't matter who ends it, it's still an ending and readjustment is challenging. However, I am thankful because it's not as difficult as my past experiences. Mornings are difficult . . feels like free falling and not sure what to do with myself. I am fortunate that I have a large circle of friends. But these friends aren't used to me being available and have settled into their routines. Trying to jump back in the cycle doesn't feel natural. I did see some friends Friday night, yesterday and may go to movie with a friend today. I feel as if I am pushing myself. . Maybe afraid if I sit still long enough I might actually feel the disappointment. So tired of saying good bye to people. I should be good at it by now I sit here and imagine all the fun things we'd be doing if we were together. He was a great activity partner, but not an emotionally available partner. M mentioned in one of his vm's that he wanted to drop off my beach chair today because he will be in the area. He's also asked for the key to his house. But honest to god, I can't find it. I used it once months ago and haven't seen it since. I don't know how to tell him this. No doubt it will sound suspicious but I have no control over his take on it. . It is what it is. Considering leaving a note sharing this info with him. . or pretending I didn't listen to the vm all together. Thinking out loud. . . I guess the note is best. No explanation and no key may invite him to try to contact me some more. I guess I should go look for the key some more. . honestly, I can't imagine where the dang thing is. One foot in front of the other. . .
  18. reinventmyself
    Thank you Larkin. . break ups break you. . Hope you are past that or well on your way!
  19. reinventmyself
    The final thing I did say to him was. . do not contact me any further. As he continued to blow up my phone in the middle of my work day, I added - I will not longer respond to any texts. And then I blocked him. I would write him and email but he's not very pc savy. He has an email account tied to his phone and rarely if ever reads anything on it. I'd have to contact him again just to tell him to read it. I don't think I need to say anything further. Add in blocking him 4 different ways and not responded to the vm at work. But I may consider unblocking him to send him a text to reiterate what I've already asked but maybe in one final clear way. Not sure. . I'll see how today goes. I did ultimately listen to the vm message before I left work. He wants to arrange to drop off my beach chair on my porch and retrieve his house key. It's apparent bait. I can buy a new chair and mail him the key. I am concerned however he may show up. Probably not a smart move on his part and he may think twice considering he could run into my 6'4" son. He's not here this weekend, but M doesn't know this. I don't think he poses any physical danger but as BEG mentioned, its the emotional upheaval I am trying to avoid. Weird as I sit here this morning. . there is that void from no longer having a partner every weekend. But I don't miss him. That may change. .I just think his acting out scared me enough ruin any good feelings I may have had for him Time to get busy. . Thanks for the responses!!
  20. reinventmyself
    Just got back to my office there is message from M. I haven't listened to it and nor do I want to. It's starting to rattle me because he has to be aware that I have blocked him 4 different ways already and now he's calling me at work. In 7 months he's never called my work number. He seems to be coming a little unhinged and I am starting to feel unsafe.
  21. reinventmyself
    I was referring that you could relate to my friend, sometime ago post divorce.
  22. reinventmyself
    Just curious. .and kinda afraid to ask. How is it you relate to this and why?
  23. reinventmyself
    Just received another text. He has a work phone that he never used around me and I never knew the number. Obviously he's called from his other number and got the `unavailable' message. Personally if someone would ask me not to contact them and would go to these lengths. .blocking and deleting apps to get distance, I would take them seriously. Now I need to block this 2nd number as well. Just proves my point further. When he says he's done. .He's really not, he's paying emotional blackmail. In seven months I never said I was done. . until now and I mean it. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that he's still contacting me. .'done' doesn't mean the same thing to him as it does to me. Pretty sure that's how that's suppose to work, at least in my book. I should also thank him for all the pulling away and distancing games he's played. Makes this break off easier than most. I've had a lot of practice with him not to mention never really having the benefit of an intimate connection, so it feels like just another day. In the end there really isn't that much to lose.
  24. reinventmyself
    Who left? I'll never know. I can only speculate. Last night he tried 4 times, 2 different social media apps and 2 voice mails from another phone to reach me. Feeling a little rattled this morning . .
  25. reinventmyself
    well . .it's 100% done. I just typed out something and lost it. Probably just as well because my mind is all over the place right now. I had agreed to meet with him tomorrow night but much like I suspected my lack luster or non responses to the texting stickers and snap chats would set him off. He's suggesting cancelling our dinner. .again veiled threats with no action just to get a reaction out of me. I calmly said I understood if he wanted to cancel but his comment about me not responding to `any' of his texts was incorrect and besides seeing we are broken up would it be fair to assume I should behave like his girlfriend seeing that I am not? His response. .` that was to teach you to not say mean things' He refers to me saying he needs therapy? Well . .that isn't what I said. It was in reference to my concerns about his intense reactions at the idea of discussing his marriage ending and wondering if that would suggest he shouldn't be in a relationship at the moment. No. .I didn't say he needed therapy and I do not take back my voicing of my concerns. The 3 things I asked for. .no more running away, whether it was by going dark, walking out in the middle of conversation or playing the break up game. No more waiting a week at a time to resolve a conflict and no more managing this relationship electronically for several days at a time. He broke all three agreements with in moments of making them and is mad that I am not enamored by his snap chats of what he ate for dinner last night. But like a dumb A** I still agree to a one more dinner. That's all it took. .that he need to teach me a lesson . . but basically that has what it's been since the beginning when he would run away because I couldn't respectfully day I was in love with him during week 4? He's been pulling this all along and I got caught up in it initially and now the fog has cleared and I see it for what it is I am shocked at his comment today. Funny how he was insisting I break up with him because `that's what I wanted' I said I wouldn't do that (because he was being childish) but I would hold him to the breakup notion and he needed to once for all own it. Like a hot potato it was passed back and forth and neither of us would take responsibility for pulling the plug. But yet today he owns it. . loud and proud.. . hmmmm. .to teach me a lesson no less. I am shaken alittle . .I don't do drama well. But I suppose I need to thank him for this moment. I guess it is what it took to get me off the fence. It's the threatening to leave the relationship or invoke feelings of abandonment and never any intention on acting on it to get a reaction out of me. To scare me. Even bringing up the cancellation of dinner was a veiled threat because he didn't come right and say so but only suggested it. I told him not to contact me any further and blocked him. .
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