reinventmyself

for sure! . . .

It's the distance that makes this challenging. If we make the trip to see each other it makes sense that we make the most of the time, hence the weekends. Weeknights are especially challenging for me because I commute to work which translates into 11hr days. He'll make the trip to my home tonight. .probably 2 hrs in traffic, just in time to say good night to me. I appreciate he makes the effort. It's very generous when compared to the actual face time he'll get from me tonight. Add in that as much as I want to push back I also am the one who told him I know how to navigate LDR's and I have to put in the effort as well. Then - add in starting in March, he'll be working 5 weekends in a row and for the remainder of the year he'll be gone a lot and I'll have a lot of free time on my hands. . Maybe too much. I also sense he threw in the midweek because in light of our disagreement he's feeling a little insecure and has mentioned he's noticed me being a little closed off.

Better for me. . but not for the other person. When I first meet someone I try to size up their time needs to make sure it's in alignment with mine. What they say in the beginning typically doesn't match what they actually want in the end.

Here I go. Boy, this is such a pattern for me. S wants to come over tonight. He also wants me to come to his home Friday night thru Sunday, coming back to my home on with him on Sunday. This is what I signed up for, right? I am already feeling like I want to back out or slow down or put upon. I love the beginning of a relationship, the honeymoon and high. This is not easy to admit. But now, especially after a disagreement and the honeymoon high is broken I feel myself back peddling. I am that text book push/pull person that people get really frustrated with. All these years of me wondering what was wrong with my partners. .ok, they had their `stuff' but this is mine. I keep thinking `If I met the right guy, then. . ." It dictates my choices in partners and I am predisposed for the same outcome. . frustrating. . and too late to change. . and not for the lack of trying.

I don't think it was so much the act of greeting someone with a peck on the lips. What I was hearing was that he had asked both the friend and gf to avoid doing something that made him uncomfortable on more than one occasion and then continued to do it. I get that that might bother him and told him so. Doesn't change the fact that I didn't know the history and didn't appreciate being thrown in middle.

I had to read it or have it explained to me, but there are often times that it isn't right or wrong, but just a differece. It's about respecting differences and understanding how it might have felt for the other person. I don't have to agree with it, it's just my place to empathize with the other person. I get not everyone gets this. I didn't always but there are some people who are absolutely void of empathy. I know I can't be in a relationship with someone without it. (Tried it and failed twice) I shared this with S and used our discussions as a tool. There I go swearing I won't teach adults squat but activity doing so I guess. Or, maybe not so much. Just explaining to him where I'm at. Either he gets or he doesn't remains to be seen.

give up is the operative word here. . . . .cranky, tired and coming down with a cold doesn't help my attitude much either.

Thank you NL. I love your first comment that I highlighted. Your last comment got me thinking of how derailed the conversation went that each time I said something, he would hear something else and reflect it back to me. I wish I had a dollar for every conversation with a significant other that ultimately played out like this one did. I told him I can only speak from my heart and I have no control over what he hears and from where I was sitting the two weren't even remotely close.. . sigh. .

Aww thankyou Silverbirch, I follow your journal and so admire your outlook. You give me a lot to think about.

He had an issue with his best friend kissing his last girlfriend on the lips when greeting her. S mentioned to him to cool it, but it continued. S mentioned it to the gf but it continued. This is a sensitive past history stuff of his that I said I understood it probably wasn't about the kiss but it was probably more about two people close to him who seemed to dismiss how he felt about something. I have met the best friend a couple times and the last greeting he and his wife hugged me hello and the husband gave me a peck on the lips. I didn't think much of it at the time but what I didn't notice. . (that S shared with me later) is that both S and the friend. (I'll call him J) immediately went outside. According to J, he immediately apologized and placed the blame on me. When S was sharing this story with me weeks later I could feel growing anger but I sat composed and listened. When he was done, I didn't want to be like J and throw someone under the bus, after all these are all new people to me and I don't want to add fuel to fire. I calmly stated that I barely remembered the moment, it seemed spontaneous and innocent but assured him it's definitely not how I greet men (alluding the what I thought was the obvious but sorry, but J is the common denominator here!!) But it's not like I stopped him either. . so there. I was biting my lip to not say what I really wanted to say. It all seemed childish and past history bs that I didn't appreciate being pulled into. Add in J who I barely know, didn't hesitate to finger point to save his butt.(according to S) . At some point I squashed the conversation because I was getting angry and said `If this conversation goes any further I might feel you are challenging my integrity and I am about to get angry" Not sure who I was more angry with, S or J. This was the where he said I didn't apologize. . but Ahhh. . his best friend had. But what he forgot was that I understood how that must have felt for him all things considered. When we revisited this Friday night. .I said I couldn't possibly have this conversation again without saying something accusatory about J. . but I didn't want to go there. .like J so easily did. So in the end I guess I did indirectly anyway. Angered and feeling childish for having to talk about this . .again. . .whatever!

I gave up a long time ago thinking I can teach grown men how to relate. After all I have raised two sons. I supervise young people at work. I keep finding myself in the position to have to parent them, but I don't. (tho my boss would think otherwise) I flat out do not raise adults. And yes Fudgie, it's more common than not to run into people who have a win/lose mentality when it comes to conflicts. And yes again, he's pretty sensitive. That's a blessing and a curse at the same time. So what do I do? Stay on my driveway for the rest of my life? Go into to dating with a list reading requirements for all potential suitors? Maybe I have it all wrong. And I did tell him straight up. .that I will not be in a relationship where I have to sensor myself. I think I am mature enough to know the difference and when in doubt we both deserve the benefit of doubt.

And as fair and as likely as this assessment is. . this triggers my past history as well. So who's exercising what on whom?

I spent 3 days with S over the weekend. Friday night we had our first argument. What I have learned over the years about listening and being empathic and what I would want in return when I share my feelings with someone, I'd like to believe I am able to give someone the same in return. S and I had had a talk a couple weeks ago where he shared with me some things he is sensitive about it. I hadn't done anything wrong but he wanted to let me know that he had a reaction to a couple of things. One for example (just to give some theme to the discussion) is I had playfully mentioned that he was `being a typical guy' more than once. He took a little offense to this and though I don't really understand why and understand or agreeing why isn't what mattered in the moment, I accepted it bothered him and thanked him for sharing that with me. I listened, I let him know I heard him and I won't be saying it again. That along with a couple other things of that nature I heard him out respectfully and my recollection is I was very empathic. Now two weeks later he mentions I didn't take accountability for these very things and apologize. huh? Now we are splitting hairs about this and I though I didn't say the exact words 'I am sorry' I thought that I had addressed his concerns respectfully and I didn't actually do something I needed to apologize for and how if I understood and had empathy for his feelings, how he would consider my response to be unaccountable?? This discussion started Friday night when he brought my earlier comment about the my `feeling' texts vs his `sexual flirty' texts. Again, when I shared that with him I prefaced it with he didn't owe me an apology and didn't do anything wrong. .it was just a feeling I was having and I wanted to say it out loud. Now suddenly S is the victim and I guess my stating how I felt in the moment was not a good thing. Basically I am defending myself and I caught myself and just shut down. Ack!! . this is familiar dynamic in my past relationships and I am trying to discern how much of this is me and how much is his. So all in all. . S can share his feelings on things and I need to say I am sorry. (empathy isn't the same as an apology even if you didn't do anything wrong?) I share my feeling on one subject and S feels victimized? When exactly do I get my moment?? Like a light switch, I go from enamored - to - done and I don't want to do the hard part that comes with relationships and I tell him after flailing about, we aren't hearing each other. I keep hearing in my mind a comment he made about his last relationship `even when she was wrong, she couldn't admit it' hmmmm. At some point I am ready to head the 90 minute drive home because honestly I have had enough. When he realized this had gone too far and I was serious about leaving he said a couple things to me that tells me he heard me and understood a couple things I had said. He asks if in that moment if there is any progress. I repeat back that he heard me on a couple things and I feel a little better. With a smirk on his face he says `oh, so you are fine now that I've rolled over on a couple things?' I start to cry. . `how is it when I give you something and let you know I heard and understood you, that's ok and I feel good about it. But when you give me something in return and you say you've heard me, you feel you've - lost' "If this is about winning and losing, then I need to go" He hugs me and asks me not to leave. He says he really wants to learn from this. After a long silence I shared with him that I spent the last hour trying listen and understand, whereas I felt he spent the last hour trying to win. Somehow we managed to get through weekend. The downside to LDR's . . you just can't run away. . or go get some space and objectivity. I dunno . .if this indeed is a dynamic for us. .it's a deal breaker for sure. We pushed through the weekend but there's a shift. . at least for me. S shifted into damage control, trying too hard mode. I tried to compartmentalize the argument and focus on the good. Today I am at work and he's gone home. Add in a dose of my mom in the hospital and dragging S around to take care of business, it wasn't the best of weekends. Hoping some time and space will give me some balance.

Having read that I had to go reread what I've written. I suppose that's the nature of journals as we have said before. We tend to not come and gush about the good things but rather bounce of any bad or misunderstood items to get clarity. Having said that things are going really well. It's probably one of the most mature, if not the most mature and respectful relationships I have been in. He clearly hears me and doesn't get defensive and in turn I get thoughtful, empathic responses. Something I so am not used to, always wanted and because of this his value goes up every day!

I notice S is really on top of making me feel 'desired' He's very generous playful physical and sexual references but I noticed the heartfelt, feeling things fall a little short. I can text him that I miss him and though I don't do so for a desired response, after sometime and it not being reciprocal I stop doing it and take notice. It got me thinking yesterday as I attempted again just a simple, miss you at the end of texting and he didn't respond to it. Ack. . feeling awkward and I start over thinking. I didn't plan on saying anything, rather decided to wait. Because after all his actions tell me what I need to know. If I did say something it would be in person and not over the phone. S typically calls at my bed time. Half way through the conversation he spontaneously said something very endearing and thoughtful which was somewhat out of character for him and it caught me off guard. I thanked him for saying it and spilled all my thoughts. He was surprised to hear me say so because his interpretation of what was going on was so different. He said that this had been an issue in his previous relationships and with me he felt he was making a conscious effort to do things differently. I told him it's probably the same sentiment, we just express it differently. But after a weeks of innocent sexual references and no responses to my `feeling' comments I was taking notice. He felt bad and said he would look at his texts when we hung up. We hung up and I did scour through the texts over the past couple weeks. yah. . there is enough material on there to support my feelings. He was very sincere though about not either not being aware and honestly thought he was doing things in a different way then in his past. This morning I get a good morning , miss you madly text. . minus the comment about how cute he thinks my butt is. . .Boys!

Thanks Saluk. . Yah, no comparison between S and R. No worries there. When you posed the question I had to ask myself if S wasn't in the picture would I meet R? Yes I would, but for nothing else than friendship and possibly one time only. Why I ask myself?. Probably out of boredom and wanting attention. Clearly I need more hobbies! And I think I'm the one dealing with his ex issues, not S. Another case of over thinking things and yet another argument for hobbies

There are so many threads about ex's returning. I often contribute but all this talk makes me reflect on my own boundaries and why exactly do I allow them to reappear and honestly what do I get out of it? Thanks to ENA I challenge myself more about such things. It's been 2 yrs since I last spoke to R. I dated him for a few months and ultimately ended it due to a lack of chemistry and connection. Much like Mark he was even more closed off and I naively thought in time things might change. But in R's case something didn't sit right with me. A couple times he received a text and while looking at his phone spontaneously I couldn't help but see someone was sexting him. Scantily clad, headless woman . .some other things didn't add up. His reluctance to ever marry. He didn't care for kids and dogs. Why did I got out with him? I enjoyed his company and we had similar likes. Much like with Mark I wasn't really ready for a relationship and their emotional unaviability had a guaranteed outcome. It will go no where. I reconciled with the ex bf and said good bye to R 2 yrs ago this month. I don't know what made me do it. . but with a gut feeling I started digging around websites and found R on an adult website suited for webcams and naked pictures. On a scale of 1 to 10 this site is a solid 9 for skankiness. Every once in a while I would log on and see that he was actually on the website 7 nights a week. Sometimes all weekend. Once I saw him masturbating on on a web cam. I almost dropped my laptop and I text him his user name just to let him know I knew and yes, to embarrass him. I spend sometime considering my poor choices in men and feeling a little rattled and embarrassed. A few days ago I get a text from an unknown number. It was a picture of a book `sex after 50' I figure it was one of my gf's being silly. I asked who it was and R responded. 'new number, new job, new car' `do you have a boyfriend?' Me: yes, sorta. R: Do you want to go on a date or am I bothering you? D: You aren't bothering me, how are you and maybe we can just meet for coffee sometime. He sends me (text) kisses. Ewww. . why do I feel he just asked for hookup? STOP right there. . What am I doing? What is my honest motivation here? Is this someone I want in my life? .Uh No. There is that little voice that somehow feels the validation of the attention from someone after you think you've both moved on? Surely I have better self esteem to feel otherwise validated by other things other than R, who comes off creepy and strange. I consider all the doors I have left open for that same reason. I've often considering it a compliment. . .rethinking my actions and motives.

I am looking forward to this weekend. I've been feeling a little less anxious by mid day yesterday and today. Probably due to going out with my friends last night. . reminding myself that I have a good life outside of a relationship. That and there are just some things that are out of my control and no matter what I will be ok. I sat back and let him reach out to me yesterday and he was his normal warm, fuzzy self. We chatted last night when I got home and he's excited to see me, as I am him.

Probably due to what I mentioned. I feel I have something at stake now. I also tend to get a little anxious at the 3 month mark. I have personal experiences and in watching others, 3 months tend to be a milestone of sorts. The high starts to wean off some and what you actually have begins to come into focus. I can't help but think for him I am the first relationship he's had since his last 10 year relationship. I have been a new fun toy of sorts, as well as he has been for me. But mostly for him there has been a lot of new experiences he hasn't had in a very long time. I think his high has been a little higher than mine, if that makes sense. Things become more apparent and this is typically where relationships turn a corner onto another phase or fade. It's just part of the process. That and knowing more about his past relationship that I wish I didn't know. Because the more I know the more I realize I could very well be rebound.

I guess it comes with the territory. The more you become invested the more you fear to lose. It's the ex gf situation that has me feeling anxious. He hasn't given me reason. My past experiences have. Just trying to ride this out . .

. . I suppose it helps to know what she's an unemployed alcoholic. (according to him) He says the only reason why she wants to reconcile is because she wants someone to take care of here. I couldn't be any more opposite. . I have a hard time letting anyone do things for me. But heck. . he was attracted to her for a reason right? And if he's the kinda guy who needs a project, then he's not the right man for me.

Gotcha. .I've spend so much of my energy trying to trust people. That energy is best learning to trust myself and being able to handle what ever comes my way.

I get what you're saying. Though my son is currently living with me again, I still got some of his mail a year after he left the first time. I really can't say much about it. They had an amicable break up and I couldn't possibly keep him in a bubble.

At the end of the conversation I told him my attitude I try to live by: Basically. . People ARE going to be with who they want to be with. I can't drill it down any more simplistic that that. If I want to be with you. . I will. . If you want to be with me or not. . you have free will to make that choice. (Same thing for someone wanting to break in your house. . they will if they want to) All the extra extraneous stuff is just noise. As for the mail . . .Yep. . I was lookin' through her new mail order catalogs on Sunday. Meh'