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reinventmyself

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  1. reinventmyself
    I told him once of an online journal and a forum where people exchange advise. Only because I was playing with my phone more than once around him and responding on here. He always needed to know what I was doing while I was on my phone or who called or text. I was very transparent with him thinking it would help. Mistake! I could tell that threatened him. He asked too many questions and I squashed the conversation after I told him that the journal was private. OK. . so I lied. He asked if I exchanged advise with men and I told him yes and that wound him up. I quickly stopped the conversation because he has no say so on whether or not I do this and I could tell he might think otherwise. For all I know he has found this. . Ask me if I care. And. . .my user name is the same I used for my OLD profile so it wouldn't be hard to find me. If he really wanted to.
  2. reinventmyself
    Thanks WL. Bare with me as I spew all these things down. As the dust settles I am able to see things more objectively. It just helps so much to purge them all. It concerns me that I still miss him sooo much. I am afraid if he reached out right now I am still in a place to be tempted.
  3. reinventmyself
    Yah. . we had a conversation about that. I had to give him credit for getting better (reinforcement) but at the same time I told him I often wondered if he was just better at hiding it and cautioned him it would spill out eventually. And it did.
  4. reinventmyself
    I did the same. I often found myself unable to share a simple story . . maybe about something that I saw on a vacation or something that happened to my son . . because the inference that it was during that time in my life and at that time I happened to be married. At some point I just would risk being myself and sharing something. S's reactions were his to deal with, not mine. He got better at it . . I think. Instead of making comments, my stories were met with silence and no response. . sometimes even a smile. I wasn't sure if I was projected something on him that he wasn't even doing. (being jealous) because I got absolutely no feedback. But based on what I knew about him and the previous reactions his silence to my stories screamed the same thing. I will never be sure if that was a fair assessment or not. I can only assume.
  5. reinventmyself
    Nah. . I'd rather it be that. S's house is beautiful and can't compare. Nothing to be jealous about, at least not about a stupid house.
  6. reinventmyself
    I was driving past my old neighborhood once with S. I asked him if he wanted to see my old house. 'No' he answered sharply. Why? Because I was married for the majority of the time there. I kept driving, in awkward silence. I guess it didn't matter that I had a life there with friends, neighbors and raised my sons there. I kept the house after the divorce for sometime, so in the end it was mine. The mere fact I was with 'him' there was too much for S.
  7. reinventmyself
    The mornings are the worst. Second to the nights. He's in my dreams and I have what feels like little flashes of him or a moment with him that flashes in my mind. It's hard to explain but it's unexpected and makes me jump.
  8. reinventmyself
    Uhg, I cancelled lunch with my friend and heading out to the fish fry. Everything feels like a colossal effort. Not to mention everything I do.lately involves alcohol. As hard as this morning is I have to compare it to.last Sunday and yes, there is improvement. Never as fast as we might like it but it's there. I won't stay long and leave to go visit my son and his gfs new home they are fixing up. One foot in front of the other. .
  9. reinventmyself
    Having just said that, it took me back to our very first date, where we each took the train half way and met. (My idea)We spent the afternoon together and when we were hungry for dinner we walked around the town for close to an hour stopping at the doorway of every restaurant. I remember thinking 'come on!' He wouldn't/couldn't pick a restaurant. I was getting hungry and cold and finally said playfully and firmly. 'Just pull the trigger and pick one '
  10. reinventmyself
    Good question. I can say we were on the same page and wanting the same thing. But with some distance I can see the incompatibilities in the things we liked to do and our ways of communicating. I keep thinking about doing things together. S was very passive about making plans and was always persuading me to make our plans. I often couldn't tell if he was enjoying or tolerating them to appease me. I just honestly couldn't tell. I could feel myself getting frusterated. When he did plan things it made him uncomfortable. As if he wasn't sure he'd get it right. I think he put alot of pressure on himself to enertain me. I often reminded him he didn't need to entertain me. But I think he felt alot of pressure to do it anyway and lacked the confidence in doing so. It just felt inorganic. He's probably relieved now and can go back to his predictable routine.
  11. reinventmyself
    I had a nice day with my oldest son after visiting with my mom. My youngest couldn't join us but came over later. I got alot of birthday greetings and I am reminded in so many ways that I am so fortunate and not alone. Tomorrow I'll have lunch with an old friend I've dated off and on years ago. I've mentioned him before and we're nothing more than friends. I had distanced myself from him while w S because like so many things it was an issue. There's a small part of me that doesn't want to go. Can't put my finger on it. Maybe it's just the effort to do it I suppose. My other friends are attending a fish fry event close by and invited me. I wish I could cancel my lunch and go with them instead. It just seems easier than a one on one with anybody right now. The anxiety is finally starting to go away. That has to be the worst part! It's been full tilt for 10 days now. As much as I miss S I am making myself aware in moments when I'm doing something enjoyable, like having a drink on a rooftop downtown bar w my son, I ask myself 'if you had the choice, would you rather be w S at this very moment' and my answer is 'no' I've done this a few times in the past couple days and it helps. I go about my life and think of the things we didn't have in common or the things I liked to do that he didn't seem to get any enjoyment out of. He wouldn't have laughed at the fun gay restaurant that's on a reality show my son took me to. But my son and I loved it. S wouldn't think it practical to drink in the middle of the day and tomorrow's fish fry, we'll he'd probably scowl at my male friends and dislike the crowds. We won't even consider what he'd think about lunch with the ex bf. But oh well, it's my birthday, right?
  12. reinventmyself
    I felt better the moment I walked in the door. Staying in someone's home with 2 friends and up to 7 people socializing in the evenings seemed like a great idea at the time. But considering my frame of mind I was miserable. I felt less than social and as if I was so raw I had no skin. It was a 90 min drive home and I sat in the back with my baseball cap pulled down and cried for at least 40 mins. I'd been holding it in for days and just needed to release it. My friends were chatting away up front so they weren't aware. Today is my birthday and my son text me last night asking if I'd be home today. 1:30 am I heard him come home. He's typically with his gf on weekends so I might assume he has has something up his sleeve for me. Either way, I'm fine. I'd just assume have a quiet reflective day. I haven't told him S and I are done. Don't know why but I feel embarrassed to tell him that I have yet another failed relationship. It's mostly my hang up but he knows I ended the marriage to his dad and can't seem to maintain a relationship, yet his dad can. Disfunctional ones tho. Maybe it is me. . . Dunno. I made an appt w my therapist for wed. I will only go maybe 3 or 4 times and he knows this. I mostly just want help understanding what happened and what I could have done differently. I originally went to therapy towards the end of my marraige and with his help I learned to set boundaries and have a voice. I need to know why having a voice in my relationships has mostly been met with conflict. Or my choices in men can't hear me or have no empathy. Again, I'm the common denominated here. I find myself baffled in those moments thinking 'wait, wasn't this supposed to work well?' Slowly w S, I started losing my voice again because it was just too hard trying to be heard.
  13. reinventmyself
    Happy Birthday to you Mrs D! We've been celbrating for 2 days and we head home tonight and I'm solo tomorrow. Guess I'll hang w my mom. Hope your birthday is the best ever
  14. reinventmyself
    Trying. Feels like square one today. Luckily I'm out of town w gf's. (In his area) I'm not the best of company to say the least. I was silly enough to pack something extra in the off chance I'd see him for my bday as originally planned. Feeling a little humiliated. Silly me. Ouch I need to get home and reread my list of red flags.
  15. reinventmyself
    I don't need to feel like I have to go thru the same break up twice. Seems so unfair
  16. reinventmyself
    It just feels 'all about him' w/o any regard to how I might feel. . Uhmm. Lack of empahty?
  17. reinventmyself
    I've felt the same when Ive been the one to leave but thought it would a selfish, cruel, mix message to do that.
  18. reinventmyself
    That I would have caught. Not 'I miss you so much baby, I lost my world' Asking about his surgery: 'my body is fine, it's my heart that won't heal' etc Not quite the same as 'let's be friends and it's not you, it's me! I was silly enough to think he was wanting to recocile. But 3 days of and a birthday gift w a long note ending in the card . . And no action, my spidey senses went up so I asked. 'My decision is firm I just miss you so much, blah blah. I told him thx for the honestly but no further comtact please. I'm kinda stunned at the moment.
  19. reinventmyself
    Well in the time I wrote that he wrote back to my email and doesn't want to reconcile but he misses me terribly. Why the head f'ing comments? He could have kept those to himself. It just seems cruel.
  20. reinventmyself
    My birthday is on Saturday. That combined w S having had elective surgery yesterday I had previouy schedulef days off this week. We havent spoken all week and S had sent a gift he had bought previously to my work and in turn we've been in contact thru email only. I'm so confused. He says he misses me, called me baby. His heart is broken and I've shared the similar sentiments. But no one makes a move. He's the one one that ended it. I can't very well put it together. Now I reread his emails and he may very well mean it all but it may not translate into wanting to recocile. I feel silly and confused. I sent him an email tonight saying I appreciat all the kind words and sentiments but if his decision stands then I need to move on, take care of myself and no longer drag this out. It's just too anxiety provoking.fir me. I wish I had the strength to just leave it be and regret the email I just sent but it's too late now. He hasn't responded and probably won't until tomorrow and here I lay wide awake an anxious mess. This week has taken its toll. I either need to fix it or kill it.
  21. reinventmyself
    My office has no windows. It doesn't help my current mood. My receptionist is out and rather having her back-up person fill in I have opted to sit up here and answer phones. I am getting odd looks from the staff as to why I am here. . but I am not budging! It's a particularly busy day today and this is just better for my overall state of mind to be in a place with activity and - freakin' windows! I wish I felt better. . I am in such a hurry to get to the other side but I know there are no short cuts. I've gone from feeling like I can't make sense of anything to the beginning of resignation. It's such a sad place when you begin to accept that I'll never speak to someone who was part of my everyday life for the past 8 months.
  22. reinventmyself
    I think that's where I get really stuck. If you met S, he's tall, handsome, has had a fascinating life, (still does) has done things most people never will. He's interesting, he's had leadership & management positions. He's articulate, he's got his stuff together. He's the whole package. At the same time he's pretty unimpressed with himself. I found him being humble attractive. But how is it someone like him can have so many insecurities? I can't seem to combine the two.
  23. reinventmyself
    While writing my 'list' at home, (I might post it, haven't decided) I recall our first argument. We had only been dating for a very short time and were in a restaurant talking about ex's, kids and grandkids. I am able to be around my ex and my ex in laws and have a decent, mature relationship with them, for the sake of the kids. It will lend to being involved with the grandkids when the time comes. S has been divorced from his sons mother for 30 yrs? He has grandkids and makes the choice to not assimilate into the mix and is very sensitive about being an outsider. But the way he described it, it is his choice. It was sad. When I shared with him my situation he aggressively blurted something out. I don't recall what it was but it was uncalled for, angry and petty. Something to the tune of `Well, it must be nice. . blah, blah, you and your ex. ." (I can't recall, but he was angry) I was stunned and got really quiet. There was this long awkward silence at a dinner table in public. Some time passed and he tried to talk to me but I was pretty shut down. I told him in that moment he went too far and it was not ok. We got back to his house and in the garage we had one of the circular conversations that had me spinning. He diverted, blocked and changed direction so many times I was holding onto the wall by the door that led into the house. I felt myself wanting to run but I had taken the train there and couldn't just leave. I started to cry. I took me back the conflict style I had in my marriage where nothing I said was right so I just shut down. We ended up going inside and we both sat in the dark. At some point he said something to me that gave me a small indication that he had heard me and understood how I might have felt. I immediately felt a little better. Moments later he asked how I felt and why. I told him that I wasn't feeling heard and the last comment he made, made me feel heard. His response "So when I roll over and let you win is what makes you feel better?" I can't add anything else to this story. For me it speaks for itself. We had only been dating for a couple months and this was our first fight.
  24. reinventmyself
    I was rereading posts from this last year with S and this speaks volumes to me right now. (after the fact)
  25. reinventmyself
    Thanks for your encouraging words, Fudgie. Your story of crying on the bathroom floor made me cry. That was so wrong. Why is the very ones we trust our hearts to need to work out their issues on someone they insist they love. It's not the way it's supposed to work! I read what you wrote in your journal recently about often feeling confused between when someone is being controlling or just stating their preference and trying to know the difference. I have the same issues. A have to often decode a simple request from someone and go through my quick checklist of what there motivation might be and what it could cost me. It's a sad way to live. It's a sad statement to the havoc people leave behind well after they are gone. I am a testimony to that and so is S. Too bad two people that did love each other couldn't figure out a way to work around it and just - simply love each other
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