reinventmyself

Well .. I may not have learned much but one thing I do know for sure and I am consistent doing. . Is not changing my behavior or routines for a man. . no matter how 'complimentary' they are. S knows this. He often refers to me `as one tough broad' I consider that the highest compliment

Thanks Fudgie. It's nice to hear someone that's been through it. I do differentiate when someone making a comment in a complimentary away, that maybe I don't need make up - instead of trying to convince me of it otherwise. There is a difference. Either way it's such a trigger for me it's hard to not react. S is saying it in complimentary way. But if he says it a second time my hackles go up. Or collectively, the combination of the comments I've shared. If he's just saying "You don't need it" when he hears you complain, it's fine, he's just responding to your discomfort I've been stewing over the trip he had and how he responded to my mention of a double standard, along with the questions and skyping. I've been locked and loaded and looking for ammunition as each day passed. So hopefully having said it all out loud and it can diffuse it a little. I recall my ex husband giving me`the look' once because at a bbq I laughed too loud (for me) Seriously. That and one time from across the room he gestured to me to cross my legs rather than sit with them squarely in front of me. The look on his face was so disapproving. Geeez, my skin crawls just writing this. I could go on an on but I won't. So when all that didn't work any longer my ex started wearing down my self esteem in an attempt to cause me doubt myself. What better way to keep someone then to try to get them to not think enough of themselves to walk away from such a mess. Because after all I must be depressed or crazy. So you see. . my ghost still haunts me at times. On top of that I have been guilty of attracting or being attracted to the same types. And yah. . S wouldn't find the humor in those jokes. I think they're hilarious. . him not so much.

I had a challenging talk with S last night. There were some things that were building up for me and I didn't want to put it off any longer. I realize each one of us has sensitivities where relationships are concerned. He has trust issues and I have issues with fear of being controlled. It seems these two very things are triggered in each other and it creates this cycle. When you think about it long enough, this is a rough combination. S is gone a lot. I spend a lot of my time with my friends, men and women in nicer restaurants in the evening listening to music while he's away. This was an issue in the beginning as S is a little more conservative than I am and up until he met me he had no other reason but to think the only reason women go to bars is to meet men. I suppose if you have this belief and we are now a couple, what would be the purpose of me still going? He hasn't said that. .but I can't help but think he's wondered it once or twice before. But if you know me and my friends, it's not why we go. It's the camaraderie and outlet. I have taken S, he has met my friends and is a little more comfortable with my lifestyle. While he's gone he does ask questions that start out as casual small talk but along they way they tend to cross over to what could be considered an inquisition. I try to be patient and transparent and he's been pretty good at keeping his insecurities in check. But as much as according me to me, he's teeters crossing the line by asking too many questions. .I can often smell control when it's not even there. But my patience is getting weary. Last weekend we had a tentative time to Skype, yet I was out with my friends. I left early feeling resentful because I wasn't leaving because I was ready or I wanted to, but rather because I felt like I had to. I was concerned the S would have been upset had I not kept my commitment to Skype at time discussed. I was running late so I called him on the phone my way home instead and I wasn't unable to hide my annoyed attitude. S in turn actually felt pretty bad that I left before I was ready and understood how I felt. He was kind and generous about it, but I couldn't regroup my attitude in that moment. I shared with him that it's these things that feel controlling. .and being accountable. .though being accountable to some degree is part of being in a relationship. Having been in controlling relationships I tend to swing too far the to other side and don't want to answer to anyone at all, but I am working on it. Navigating the two in a healthy relationship is honestly challenging for me. I can get easily defensive and want to push him away. S was honest and has owned his part in the insecurities and admits maybe he asks me too many questions at times and he was glad I brought to his attention. I shared with him while he was away with the 4 women, I asked him how he might feel is the tables were reversed. He smirked and repeated in a playful mocking way. `well, I guess you'll just have to trust me then' Which is something I say to him. Fair enough. I dropped the conversation. Though one week later he is asking for reassurance I am reminded again the double standard that existed. I shared that with him and he apologized and said he understood how I might have felt. S can compliment me and tell me that I don't need to wear makeup when I complain (allergic, tho I wear it anyway) It's a compliment but if I am being hypersensitive I hear it as control. I don't need to blow dry my hair, because he likes it curly. I don't need to wear thong underwear if it's uncomfortable or shave all my body hair off of certain private areas just for him. Now, there is two ways to hear this. He is either being sensitive and complimentary or if you come from an abusive marriage where my ex told me what to wear, what to say and how to act. . .someone like me wonders if it's about being conditioned and controlled. I am not proud of this but it's true. Uhg. . This is such a testimony of the damage unhealthy relationships do to you and no matter how much time goes by and the money invested in therapy, intimate relationships cause these things to revisit. So I spend a lot of time discerning what's mine. .because it's there. .And what's his . .because he respectfully owns it. The good news is we are responsible and willing to work at doing things differently It's hard when the very things we trigger in each other, the reaction causes the other to be triggered. It was good to put into to words. .hear someone, understand and be heard in return. In the end, in the scheme of things this is minor. . when everything else is so good. The rest remains to be seen . .

Not much to report. I spent a day and half with S before his next trip which was today. He'll return on Saturday. I tabled my insecurities as expected. Not much I could do about seeing he hasn't given me any reasons to not trust him. Add in that on one the groups excursions, (whale watching) he bought me a tshirt and necklace while in the company of these women. So it's hard to imagine him having anything but good intentions. . Also as expected, seeing our time together is brief, with long absences, it's nothing but honeymoon time. Things are good in this respect but I know it's not indicative of what a normal life relationship would be like. .but at the same I trying to not borrow trouble and just enjoy it for what it is. This pace will ease up by the end of May and seeing each other regularly will be back in place. In between we do spend hours skyping in the evenings. This in itself has been good. Filling in a lot of space with philosophical conversations that we wouldn't otherwise be having. . at least not at the end of 4 months. I really admire and respect him. Sadly, I can't say that about the men in my past life.

So, now it's my turn with the insecurities. Uhg. S is gone for 10 days and I now know how to Skype! Never had the need before but S is in another country and his phone doesn't work there. So for now, we Skype. S is a private pilot for a wealthy family. He is currently away with the `the sister' and her friends that consist of 4 other women and one man. He typically does not socialize with the family. He keeps to himself and hangs out with the house staff. `I am just the help' as he puts it. This sister is a little more casual than the principle owners of the property and is inviting him to eat with them and go on outings. They are currently on a whale watch as I write this. I am not that girl (I keep saying to myself). .That insecure girl that worries about all the `what if's' S has never given me reason to doubt him, ever. He still does not. But I don't want to be naïve either. But I can't shake the insecurity of him and the tropical surroundings and the overall atmosphere. One particular personality is a single mom close to my age, there with her daughter. Add in for the first time since he started flying for this family, he's currently included in everything they do. I so want to be above this all. . .

Thanks SB. It's possible, but I am not yet convinced. There isn't much opportunity to see otherwise at this moment, so for now. .I carry on.

I probably won't have much to report. At least not in the realm of dating or relationships. We'll see. I noted those bumps along the road with S as well as everyone's feedback. He's just returned from a week long trip. I'll see him for a couple hours tonight and tomorrow night. From there he's gone for another 10 days. It will look like this for at least a couple months. I doubt anything much will arise in the few moments we get to see each other. I had a much needed quiet weekend alone. Cleaned closets and watched movies. I am not much of a homebody so this will grow old quickly. .But until then I am little excited about all the things I can get accomplished while he's away. An old bf that I keep in contact with saw me on FB Saturday night and text me, asking what I was doing home. We ended up talking on the phone for two hours. I know S would disapprove but there is no romantic possibilities there and we've been friends for over 10 yrs. Does that make me a bad gf? Saturday night for gee-wiz I logged onto Match (hidden account) and found Mark there. Just out of curiosity for the past couple days I might log on at random times and any time, any day and if I sort by activity Mark is front and center. Makes absolute perfect sense seeing he was much more of an electronic bf than a real time one. No doubt he is likely to squat on a dating website for years and perfectly happy having electronic exchanges. Much safer that real life ones I suppose.

I did just call him on my lunch break and asked him about the comment. He said he did remember the happy hour comment but not the talking to women part. We had been talking about how many people our age socialized this way but not he and not his friends. His comment could have been ambiguous. . not sure. He's not very subtle when something is on his mind. That I know for sure. I am walking a thin line here. .Having been with controlling men and passive aggressive ones as well. I see it everywhere I look. Not to say he's definitely neither. . Just trying to discern what's his and what's mine. With him being gone now I think in some ways I am looking for the battle or final straw that I think may happen. I'll be out with my friends and he may give me grief? He's not even gone yet and I'm preparing myself and checking the exits. Self fulfilled prophecy I suppose. I don't know. .this could go either way and until I know more. . .

You aren't being harsh at all and I see things exactly the way you do! I am neither rationalizing his behavior or going easy on him. I am however taking everything in . .

S made a comment over the weekend. He was discussing his plans for today, tennis with the guys and then lunch. He then added ` I suppose I could go out with them for happy hour and talk to a bunch of women' I am thinking that was a dig for me but I chose to not react and instead responded: `hmmm. . why would you want to do that?' He said `I wouldn't!' I changed the subject and acted like I didn't get the point he was not so subtly trying to get across. I gave this some more thought on my drive home yesterday. I must admit that my friends and I spend at least once or twice a week going to very nice restaurants/bars where there is live music and have a drink. I am not much of a drinker (but my friends are!) and I do enjoy the outlet and being amongst my single girl friends. There is an occasional guy friend that joins us. S knows this. Having said that if this is how S spent his free time, it might give me a minor pause. Not enough to get ever get jealous about and I would certainly not make comments, subtle or otherwise. But I do kinda get how he might feel, especially given his circle of friends don't do this kind of thing so at this age and this point in his life, it's not his thing. I have included S on one occasion to join my friends and the second time we decided not to go. S had just got in from a trip that particular afternoon and honestly I wasn't convinced that he was just tired or possibly being passive aggressive about it. It's just a minor speculation on my part. .probably not fair to mention it, but we'll see if the opportunity arises again and if he'll want to go or not. But seeing this is the sensitive issue, it did make my spidey senses go up. I also need to fair and as much as this is or can be an issue. . I can see where I can be really hyper vigilant about it. So that's it. We had a great weekend, yet it was only he and I. As it turns out he only has 2 weekends off between now and June! There will be an occasional midweek day we can see each other, but the logistics of work, my schedule, it won't be real quality time. Bring on the test. .. We'll see what this is made of!

thx. . nl and farday. . Have a good weekend!

Not much to report. Funny how with a couple days off and the `issue' not in foreground, I can enjoy his company immensely. I saw him Wednesday night and decided to set the hot button issue aside for the night and just enjoy his company. Sigh. . I just want to compartmentalize that part and pray the jealously thing doesn't rear it's ugly head again. We will spend the weekend together and then I don't know what the next few weeks will look like in his absence. Taking it day by day

I saw this today on FB: "BE HONEST WITH PEOPLE ABOUT WHO YOU ARE, WHAT YOU WANT AND HOW YOU WANT TO BE TREATED. STANDARDS ONLY SCARE OFF PEOPLE WHO AREN'T MEANT FOR YOU" I feel like I want to copy and paste this on every post today. It's just perfect rule to live ones life by. Life would be much easier, don't you think? Sadly, doing this very thing is absolutely frightening to most people.

I have learned to view things like this as a symptom of bigger problem. On the outside the jealousy is a symptom of something larger he needs to address. I don't think he sees it that way. Listening to him, he thinks over time and exposure and getting to know who I am better it will lessen. Personally, I think that is going about it the wrong way. He needs to look within and not at me and my actions for his answers. I also told him he could try to hide it . ..but it will likely spill out in other ways. I was firm but gentle when I summed things up. I asked him if he thought he would `be able to get to the other side on this'. He believed so. (expected response) With that I cautioned him that all of this affected how I felt about him and whether or not I could continue the relationship. So more or less, he's on notice. That's all I can do right now. As I said previously, the opportunity for proof is in the next following weeks, where we won't be seeing much of each other due to work schedules. I will be out and about with my friends and carrying on as I always do and with him in another country every week, he has little or not contact with me. . . When this first came up (notalady recalled S friends greeting that he had an issue with) and we talked about my friends, my views and my social life. I asked him straight up if when considering the distance and his constant travel, was he going to have some anxiety about what I am doing in his absence. He denied foreseeing any problems in the future and was totally comfortable with everything. (at least that's what he said at the time) I reminded him of this conversation this last weekend. I also shared with him that I have, from day one told him what I am about and this is what he signed up for. For him to have issues after the fact wasn't anywhere fair to either of us. I told him I didn't want to be in a relationship with someone who didn't trust me. Of course he said he trusted me. (doubtful) And I didn't want him to be in a relationship where he had any anxiety about what he partner was doing with their own personal time. That that would clearly be no fun for anyone. so that's where I am at. I don't suppose I have seen the last of this. .

He has also told me how he's felt about some of these things. I am ok with him telling me he is struggling with something but it ultimately has taken a turn where I end up having to defend myself. When I feel that it's going there and he's pushed the topic too far and I am catching myself overexplaining, I get offended and feel as if he's challenging my integrity.

Well .. that's what he is saying. He is one of those who don't believe men and women can be friends and nothing else. I happen to have men friends. That isn't going to change. I introduced him to a coworker once who just happened to say `hi sweetie' So innocuous to me, but not to S. I could go on. S believes with time and exposure to it and awareness he'll be better. I'd naively like to think so. But my baggage and hot button in all of this is I have a history of controlling men and I have left for lessor reasons. It's hard to stand still and stay in the game and try to be positive. Besides . .I can bet my paycheck I am not the first woman he's been this way with. Wishing it away seems rather naive as well It's an instant attraction killer for me . .

It's not garden variety jealousy either. . it's rather irrational and childish. IMO

I don't even know where to start. But at the end of 4 months you really begin to see people for who they are and the very things they were trying to hide are no longer under wraps. Again, I don't want to say too much. I am really raw right now and trying to sort things out. All I know is I am frustrated, confused and torn. What I suspect is really becoming true. That dating at this age is close to impossible. Collective years of baggage follow you everywhere you go. OK. . I've come this far. .So I'll spill it. S has been slowly unfolding his apparent jealously issues. This is a non negotiable deal breaker for me. This is the disagreement I alluded to earlier He totally owns it. It is his problem. He says he's working on it but I am on the road to checking out already. Why is it always `something' ?? The good thing is I will see S next weekend. He has theatre (play) tix that he bought around the holidays. After that he works out of town the following 6 weekends in a row. I am counting on this being a test of sorts, seeing what flushes up while we are apart. He knows I am social and I am not a homebody. I find myself practicing detaching. . .once again.

Thanks faraday. . That comment helps ;}

Had a great trip. .two trips in 9 days and all went well. . until the very end. I am still trying to sort it out so I am reluctant to spell it out here. We are all pretty quick to say "hang 'em high!" and I don't want it to further confuse myself. But what I come across more than often then not is my partner is threatened when there is a difference. Being respectful of someone's different view is important to me and when someone respects that, I feel heard and understood. I don't need to win. . I don't need anyone to agree with me, but what I do need is someone to be empathetic and try to understand what it means . .to me. What ever that may be. I can do that for you. . and it doesn't threaten me or take anything away from me. I just can't seem to get in return . . And please, please don't flip the script on me and make it all about you either because I will shut down and stop sharing all together. Instead I will stuff it all and become resentful and ultimately I will leave. Uhg . . Sometimes I think what I am asking for is impossible. Maybe I am going about it all wrong.

Just got back from a 4 day road trip. This is such a beta test for me. I was having flash backs of a trip I went on with an ex. Mid week we barely spoke to each other, sat in different rows on the plan trip home and didn't talk for 10 days after. I'm driving to his house prior to leaving on our trip recalling this experience and I'm trying to squash it and push it back. Suffice to say the trip was great. The best part is we spent the first couple days with his sister and brother in law and the second half with is older brother and his family. This, as well us traveling together went really well. His family filled in those questions and missing pieces that are typical at this point in our relationship. S comes from.a family of 7 kids. He's the second oldest and clearly, if not the favorite but one of the most. He's even keeled and generous. I watched as he and his older brother got in a lively political debate and as his brother escalated S remained respectful and composed. His sis in law (who was pretty shrewd) pulled me aside to tell me what a good guy S is. My luck is I typically date the black sheep in the family so seeing all this thrilled me. I see alot of my fears have been things I've projected on him in those spaces in between, but now with most of them closed there isn't room for it. It's still early in the scheme of things, but I'm happy where this is going. We leave for a ski trip on Thurs for 4 another days. Tired but happy.

We had a good weekend and S handled my change of plans gracefully. I can see how my past can set up the dynamic I don't want. That I can play into some ones insecurity and overcompensate so much that I set myself up for being worked over when I set limits. Rather than just doing it and having the confidence to stand behind it. Any way. . a good weekend. Again I changed plans on him. He wanted to come up tonight but I need to be at his house Thurs night as we are leaving Friday for a 4 day trip, only to return for 2 days and leave again for another 3 day trip. I feel I am so behind in my personal business, laundry, groceries and just some me time, that and I don't know when I'll get the chance to even pack! Again he handled it well and realized I was feeling a little stressed over everything I need to take care of in the next 72 hours. Add in I need 4 performance reviews completed in two days and here I am dinking away on line. .again. This last weekend we were careful to not over plan and rather hung out on Sunday, just the two of us watching super bowl and cooking meals. As much as I waffle. . this is good and getting better. Not perfect, but nothing is. But pretty darn good. Well see what 8 days collectively will bring.

I was supposed to go to S's tonight. We had discussed a couple options including me taking the train or just driving up later. But I hit the wall on Friday's and it's just too much for me to try to be everywhere for everybody at once. I have to say no to some things. So I said no to tonight. Instead I will drive up tomorrow. Besides he plays in a tennis tournament tomorrow.. It was nice for him to offer that he signed me up for a massage while he played tennis but honestly that time is better spent on my own. Not me hauling off after a long work week, just to get there late and have him join his friends in the morning. He also knows that instead I will be meeting my friends tonight, locally. The more I though of it. . it clearly didn't make sense for me to go. Funny how I feel a little fearful when I say no to seeing him. Sad actually because I have been in relationships that were punishing over such things. And clearly not fair to S that I can still go there in my head and have these kind of reactions when it comes to taking care of myself. I think I am so past that but that ghost creeps up every once in while. This little anxiety I get when I might disappoint him and the repercussions for having done so. Logically I know better. . 'Bring it on and give it your best shot' I am not that young woman any more.

thanks all. . .much to think about, again.