reinventmyself

Thanks WL I did have a good weekend. S and I spent 3 days and nights together. I have to admit my tolerance for the togetherness is rather low and I was waiting for that moment where I hit the wall, but it didn't happen. It was a 3 day holiday weekend so I only just said goodbye to him this morning. Pretty sure one more day might have pushed me over the edge. But today I am happy and content. Sunday evening somehow the conversation of our insecurities came up. He's one of those men who doesn't understand how men and women can be friends and I have quite a few male friends. One of them I was with Friday night, along with another female friend. We talked a bit about it and he was very respectful on how he handled it. I heard him out and ultimately told him that this is who I am and my friends, male or female will be his as well. I am pretty transparent about it all and as much as he sees it differently, it's just a difference. Not right, not wrong, just different. He assured me he didn't want me to change anything about my life to accommodate his `insecurities' as he himself referred to them, but he did want to tell me how he felt. There is one particular male friend that he will have trouble with because I was romantically involved with him sometime ago. I understand that. I suppose if the situation was reversed I might feel the same. It's easy enough to handle as I don't have much direct contact with him anyway. I had innocently volunteered this guy and I had dinner about the time S and I first met. He didn't know our history at the time but ultimately he asked and I told him. This friend is going through a difficult break up and we met for dinner because he needed a friend and some support. That's all. At one point S pushed a little too far and I cautioned that any further comment about it might sound like he's questioning my integrity and that wouldn't sit well with me. He immediately let it go. That and he didn't like it when I referred to him as 'a typical male' I recall saying it a couple times previously when we were being playful about things. I guess when I said it he heard me comparing him to all the other men I have dated. Wow. . It just goes to show how different our filters can be. I reminded him that I raised two boys and had a brother and to consider the possibility that I may understand men a little more than not. Suffice to say, I won't be saying that again. I felt since he was volunteering things that were on his mind I would voice mine. I have history of ex gf's that when they get wind of me, they want their man back. At times it's been complicated and down right painful. He's been out of a 10 year relationship for 8 months now. .6 months when we met. But the way he explains it is they broke up well over a year ago yet they remained in the same home for that year while she finished her masters program and got a job. She even dated during the time they were still in the same house. He denies any attachment to her for their final year but he did agree when I told him that no matter how you slice it, break ups are a process and I don't doubt for a minute that her final move out wasn't some sort of emotional milestone. He agreed reluctantly. So as it turns out, she does want to reconcile. Grrrr. . I wish I had not opened that door. Ignorance was bliss. That'll teach me to not ask about things I'd rather not know. She comes by periodically still to retrieve her mail but he insists he would never go back. All I can do is trust and have some faith. I told him my concern about how I felt during the holidays. That would have been their first holiday, after 10 years together that they weren't a couple. Factor in nostalgia, 6 mo's apart. . I did really well compartmentalizing what may or may not happen. - at that time. All in all. . he's really consistent. . I never question his whereabouts or intentions. Still makes me nervous. . nonetheless. Could I be a rebound?

S came over last night. I appreciate the effort it takes seeing he leaves a little early to try to miss the traffic. He sat at a Starbucks by my house and did some work on his pc. I met him for dinner and right now he's asleep in my bed and here I am at work. I have to say I haven't felt this way in a long time. Now looking back any fleeting feelings I may have had about someone were those of infatuation and maybe pushing myself to feel something because I wanted to. Not because it felt really right and natural. I was crazy infatuated with my last serious bf, who I met back in 2009. We dated off and on and became a serious couple in 2011. I think the love I felt for him was due to the longing for him for those 2 years. He was just out of my reach and unavailable so when we finally became an official couple the love I felt was mostly that of loving to win. I am pretty sure that clouded my judgment some. Secondly, loving him and my time with him. He did ultimately step up,was all in and available. Unfortunately in time I found out we were no were near compatible! It took almost 2 years (3 collectively) to not only figure it out, but to work on fixing it and ultimately ending it. We were really good together and really bad for each other at the same time. It's taken me quite a while to bounce back from this. I am pretty sure that's what the attraction to M was. It was safe. I wasn't invested. I wouldn't get hurt. He was a convenient activity partner but at some point I realized I was not only being selfish, but being a coward. AnywayZZZZ. . . Last night we booked a trip! We are skiing in CO with 2 other couples for 4 days. We are staying in a hotel that is built around several natural hot springs. I am so exited! Last night I vented to S about some recent work challenges and something going with my oldest son. There is a very recent thread about a young man writing in and the tone was that about empathy and listening. It's been a great reminder of things to be appreciative of. It got me thinking: Between the ex bf and my ex h . . neither had that quality. As a woman, I don't now how one can be in a relationship with a man and not have those qualities. It's just not something I am used to, to have a man listen, validate your feelings, assure you without trying to tell you what to do and how to feel and just hold you. With the ex's, I just ended up not sharing anything at all and shutting down. I am rambling. . it was a good night. . obviously!

Thanks SB. . I am trying to focus on the positive ;}

Thanks Faraday! I have missed (or ignored) so many red flags in my life and now I see them everywhere and I often get dizzy trying to discern between what's a legitimate concern or not.

(what am I calling him in here). . "S" I think that was your question. Funny, I refer to his house as the "Sp***t Hotel" (his last name)

oh . .it's brand spankin' new. I would not be happy if it was someone elses . .eww! Haha I have warned him to slow his roll with it though and that I am afraid of what he might bring home next. I think he sees it as a dare, of sorts. @ silverbirch. . he is a good hearted and generous. ;}

Thanks Ladies! I am processing all of this. At the same time I've met those guys who try to really fast track things and reek of neediness. I don't get that from him. He doesn't blow up my phone. I don't hear from him more than once or twice a day. We are busy with very separate lives and in that respect it feels like the pace is really organic. I like the idea his actions show me that he is all and that's reassuring that we are on the right track, but then it starts to cross the line with the gift buying it feels like to a little too, much too soon.

If I am really honest, the other reason I don't challenge this and ask is I am probably afraid of the answer. o.k. . I said it.

I keep trying to do things in my own time frame. It's been less than 2 1/2 months and according to me, we are 'dating exclusively'. He's slipping the `girlfriend' label a couple times and is setting up house. I've in this position more than once and dang it, I want to do things at my pace! Why do we need to have that convo now?. .

Well yes. . that and him taking me to look at furniture. I get that he has been wanting to replace a couple things long before I met him and I don't want to read anything into him wanting my opinion, after all it's only an opinion. But he was weighing a little too heavily on it and it made me nervous. When he was torn between two sofas he wanted me to tell him which one. `Oh no, not my place to tell you to commit to which couch for you' Meanwhile I am looking at furniture I like for my place. He seemed perplexed. I am pretty sure he was testing me. So far he's bought me a blow dryer, flat iron, robe, pillow to keep at his house. . and various food items I like. Slow down Cowboy!! And no, I didn't bring up the subject of the future. . Didn't feel right given the time frame.

You're right. It's time I ask him. It's a leap from discussing being sexual and exclusive to - do you want to get married someday? Feels awkward. I can guess he'd rather not marry based on his history. He lived with his last gf for 6 years and wouldn't marry her due to her financial, career and ultimate drinking problems. Her version is he had commitment issues because he wouldn't marry her. (pretty sure if you are with someone for 10 years collectively you aren't terribly commitment phobic) I don't think it's on his radar, especially seeing he's experienced the financial implications of an imbalanced relationship. He's commented on my stability being attractive to him. oh. . and he only plans on flying for 2 more years. . hmmmm. That could change though. Elch. . I don't want to think about it. . lol

^^that . . is my intention. Glad I put it in writing and I can stop waffling about it. I keep fooling myself that I'd like to eventually cohabitate. I keep thinking that it needs to be the `right' guy. But the finger gets pointed back at myself. That it's not about finding the right one, but more about me being set in my ways and a low tolerance for togetherness.

My girl friends are leaving today for an impromptu vacation. I have been invited but between not feeling well this week and agreeing to seeing S, I won't be going. It's time's like these I wonder if I want a romantic relationship at all. There were occasions exactly like this in the past while I was in a relationship that I missed out on. Add in that S lives an hour away translates into making more of an effort with what little free time I have. When I am single, I am not lonely. Well, maybe once in a while but not often. Matter of fact I have a great circle of active girlfriends that I am perfectly happy and content to spend my free time with. Then at some point I get restless and start to date. I often think realistically that these girlfriends aren't going to grow old with me. Who knows. . maybe they will. Not sure what that would look like. Kind of a funny picture, honestly. Then the flip side is I am not sure I can ever cohabitate with a man at this point in my life. I'd like to think I could, but I am pretty sure I am kidding myself. Add in at any given time my friends will be in relationships and unavailable. It's happened. Most of them are currently single at the moment. It's kind of a conundrum of sorts. . I wish I had a crystal ball.

I've had been home sick that past couple days and feeling better last night. S drove up to take me to dinner and stay the night. Something he said was similar to the issue I had with him the other day, pointing out that I was repeating myself and me assuming he was annoyed. I brought it up and we talked about it. He was genuinely surprised and didn't recall the incident the way I had, but nevertheless very apologetic about it and concerned about how I had felt. He did say at this point in our relationship he is enamored with every little thing I say and if he were annoyed by anything so soon that would be a really bad sign. Exactly my point!! I do feel better about it. I need to trust what he says but a little part of me is still on the look out. He does have that type A personality that would fitting of someone with control issues. This is such a sensitive issue with me seeing my last relationship ended with my ex bf micromanaging everything I did and continuously correcting me. So much so, I left. On a lighter note. . We both happen to like the same kind of firm foam pillow and sleeping without one is difficult. He showed up last night with one to leave at my house and bought one for me so when I go to his. As much as I like the little things he does it still makes me nervous as this is a sign that he plans on staying around for while. This is good, right?!@# I've gotten so used to ending relationships and venturing out on my own . .so much so I waffle about wanting to be in one. I tend to be a little spooky about stuff like this. All in all a good night but I end up getting to sleep much later and having just come off a bout with the flu I reeeeallly needed a solid 8 hrs, with I didn't get. But it was worth it ;}

I know . .my last relationship was like you described. "B" was very type A about everything. The first few months it didn't spill over onto me and then slowly and subtly it crept up. In the end I didn't even breath correctly I am on the look out. It's hard because it's that same thing we covered before. Is this a legitimate concern or is it due to it being such a sensitive issue for me because of previous experiences, I see it as a potential problem when it really isn't. Time will tell. .

What was supposed to be 48 hours ended up as 72. It was a nice weekend but stretching my togetherness tolerance a little but all in all a good weekend. We met downtown NYE at the train station and went to dinner in this quaint little town. We ate a little early and by the time we were done the street was full of people all dressed up ready to celebrate. Such a fun atmosphere. US?. . ready to head home for a quiet evening. The following morning we met up with his friend for a motorcycle ride to a restaurant on the coast. The whales are migrating and you could see and occasional breach or spout off in the distance. Finished the evening with movie and dinner. I was scheduled to take the train home the following day but S offered to drive me home, help me with my Christmas lights and stay the night. He loves tennis and I am learning to play golf and loving it. We have a friendly competition over the two and he's been reluctant to get out and golf having not done so in years. We got to my house and out for 9 holes of golf. Luckily he remembered how much he enjoyed it and I'm hoping it's something we do together. He's way too intense about tennis and between he and his guy friends who are also pretty cut throat about it, I am thinking this is not a sport we'll be doing together and I am ok with that! All in all things are good. I am seeing a little more of his impatience and intolerance for some things and it makes me nervous. I mentioned it to him and I am for now still going on the notion that he's all bark. He hasn't done it with me but I know better to not anticipate it. It seems to be limited to driving. Geez, can you say `road rage?' And he's easily frustrated with himself. My father was the same way but much like S, a gentle, good man as well. He did point out in an annoyed manner that I repeated myself a couple times on something. I did give him the death stare and he laughed nervously that he angered me. He did some, honestly. I can't help but think of little quirks I notice about him yet to say something about it would seem petty in comparison so I let it slide. My ex bf would point out if I repeated myself as well. .so I am wondering how much of this is something I need to be aware of . . or guys being intolerant. Or both. I am hoping what I see is something he can compartmentalize and it doesn't spill over onto me because I don't have any qualms about bailing on this if it's so. I don't want to end this on a negative so . . . He's a sweet heart and we are so compatible on so many levels. He has something a little intoxicating about him. I can't quite put my finger on it.

While talking to S last night on the phone, I was listening very carefully. He's a little bit of a krumugin . .is that a word? Almost a playful sort of complainer. .this concerned me. But as I listen to him and then describes his actions and from what I've seen him do, he's very gentle and caring. He's staying with his mother and while she has some dementia, it's really challenging for him and the rest of the family. Though he spews about how crazy it makes him, he's taking her everywhere and waiting on her tenderly. It's almost as if he protests too much and doesn't want to show he's really not as tough as he'd like one to believe, but rather more of a softy. He goes on about the grandkids making him crazy but I know for fact he can't get enough of them and was broken hearted when they moved out of state. I am now trying to take his noise so literally. It's actually a little comical if I look at it differently The jury is still out. He flies home tonight and I go south tomorrow for two days. It will be the first time we've spent more than 24 hours together.

Well said. It swings both ways. If a woman referred to most men in a negative way it would be safe to assume she possibly had issues with men. There in lies my growing concern.

These are his friends ex's and wives, not his. It's looking more and more like a general theme re women

Since the beginning of November

S and I had our evening phone chat. I am trying not to focus on this but at the same time not ignore it either. As S gets more comfortable with me he is showing this negative side of him. Maybe in a bad mood last night but I've seen a little of this previously and now I am getting concerned. Even the most routine thing he puts a negative spin on and he seems a little intolerant. Booo. Such a turn off. I've busted him and teased him more than once about the pattern in which discussing friends partners, he tends to refer to each wife, ex or otherwise as crazy or psycho. It's a little disconcerting. After I hung up I text him a FB picture/quote that says "Behind every crazy b*tch is a sweet girl who just got tired of all the bullsh*t" He laughed and shared it with his sister. Part of me wants to call him out on the other negativity. The other part of me doesn't want to say anything because he will likely hide if from me. I'd rather sit back and observe as he gets a little more comfortable and see what he's all about.

S is with his family and is returning on Wednesday. In the meantime we chat on the phone every night and we might exchange a text or two during the day. I really don't have a grasp on his communication style or how much contact he needs in between times we see each other. Instead I watch his pace and pick up on patterns and match his efforts. Christmas afternoon I took a nap in between dashing around. We had exchanged texts earlier where he asked me to call him before I went to bed that night. My friend came over to hang out, we had some pie and I went to bed, exhausted. Apparently I did not read the text correctly. He typically initiates the night time call and I woke up a couple hours later noticing he hadn't called and assumed he was busy with family. By the time I realized that I was the one supposed to reach out, it was too late to do so! I called him the next morning and everything was fine. I could tell he was a little disappointed and I totally understood how he might have felt and told him so. We talked about communicating and expectations and he shared that he would prefer it if I initiated more and that because of the distance we ought to communicate more often. I agreed. From that moment on I stepped it up and now I feel as if he's taken a step back. I am trying not to keep score (but I am) and if I initiated 4 times in a row, he did none. What?? We exchanged good mornings early yesterday and after that I didn't hear from him until 6pm. I am confused. I know he's busy with family and I'd really rather not bother him. After my last text I decided to step back and readjust. It felt fine the way it was before but now with him saying he needed more and then dialing back his efforts it feels awkward and confusing. I don't want to have this conversation with him in the midst of family time but might address it when he returns. Or - just see if it works itself out on it's own Just needed to say this out loud . . .

I had unblocked him at Thanksgiving when he text me with his work phone. I have ex's I can exchange niceties with without an issue. I like Mark. I think he's a good guy. (just not for me) My intentions were in the right place. Silly, I know. But ultimately I asked him to no longer contact me when he started ramping back up. Not sure why I am surprised that he's still reaching out.

Oh and another text from Mark today that goes unanswered. I wrestle with feeling heartless and annoyed at the same time. I considered all sorts of thoughtful and then equally mean, petty responses but don't. Silence feels mean but appropriate. Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk