reinventmyself

Absolutely and I agree. But wait until you are my age and people show up very complex with years of experiences that color the way we react to things. It was definitely easier when you are younger and a little more of a fresh sponge of experiences. Dating at my age is challenging. There isn't anyone I know in my circle of friends who would say otherwise. But then again, my friends are goofy

Thanks Ladies! S and I had a couple days to reflect and I decided to keep my date with him this last Saturday. He had bought concert tickets and between that and his schedule, I won't see him for a couple weeks. It was awkward because we really hadn't cleared the air. I showed up and it felt like we were on opposites of the ring. but the couple days apart (and going forward) has given me time to reflect on some things. I am aware and have been told many times before that I give off the sense that I am not all the way in a relationship. I also give subtle queues that I either don't need you and/or I can easily leave. Some of it's true, the other half bravado. I know I tend to frustrate my partners by keeping them at arms length. I could easily pin this on S's insecurities but seeing I have heard it more than once, I am the common denominator. S has some insecurities. He owns them and is working on them. Aside from his own insecurities when he shared with me how some of the things I do make him feel, I was a little embarrassed. I pointed out to him earlier and it's become more apparent this time around that we trigger each other. My biggest fear is that a man will try to control me or try to change me, so I push away. So when S feels insecure and holds on tighter, I feel controlled and push more. And the circle goes around. I bought a book on my kindle about communication styles. Sadly the very thing I was asking of him I see I wasn't giving in return. Add in one of my friends who's opinion I trust tells me `S seems like a good guy. I get the sense you are waiting for him to screw up' Ouch. So. . having said all this. .It's not all about me. S has his stuff to work and so do I. I don't know what the future holds. The time and distance gives me clarity and I am taking it one day at a time. Oh, and the recounting of the texting and phone calls I posted. . the jury is still out but I may have not heard him correctly. He insists he didn't say `So, was WAS the real reason you were ignoring me' Instead he says he playfully said. 'so you weren't ignoring me' There's a subtle difference and it makes a little more sense because immediately after he said this he was asking me about my day and at that moment I just saw red and I couldn't turn it around. The texting and phones calls in the time span were his attempt to catch me before I went to bed and he went to the gym late. (because I had been telling him I needed to speak to him earlier rather than later in the eve's) So . . this all sorta makes a little more sense. I still think it was combination of a bunch of things, him trying to considerate, a dash in insecurity and me jumping to a conclusion and not being able to back down. We just need to figure out in these challenging moments that we are able to empathize with each other and be heard. I thought I was so smart until I read the first chapter of this book . . Dang it. I am just as guilty. One day at a time. I think the next time I see him is probably a week from Tues? for only a couple hours.

It's done. Not ready to talk about it. I can't sort out what just happened Thank you all. Now the second guessing begins. Damn it.

I am literally forcing myself to write this. I guess I am afraid of what I'll see or hear. Yesterday 7:57, S called and I am in the shower. 7:58 he text ` are you home?' ( I am still in the shower) I get out, I hear my son arrive home and I go downstairs to visit with him. He's had a really stressful day (rounding up the end of being in the fire academy) I sit with him while he eats and vents not knowing S had text and called. My phone is upstairs and 20 min's later I hear it ring, and ring again. Then I hear a text. I interrupt my son and go get my phone to see that S has reached out 5 times in 40 mins. I text him `hold on a sec' I called him back 10 minutes later a little annoyed. I asked if he somehow didn't trust I would return his call? Why the impatience? After explaining to him and giving him moment by moment account for those 40 mins on top of my sons story, S asks "So what was the reason you were ignoring me?" S has a history of insecurities that he has shown me. He keeps them in check for the most part but this literally sent me over the edge. I didn't say much of anything. . other than repeating my story and accounting for the time leads me to not understanding how he interprets that as being ignored. Besides, the way he worded it is pretty much an accusation and he wants a reason. He didn't say much and I said I needed to go. I text him before I went to bed. `5 times in 40 min's smacks of mistrust' He didn't respond. I can't be with insecure men. The insecure men I know ultimately are controlling. He's coming over tonight. I can't seem to check my attitude and I don't know what to expect.

Aww. .Thank you WL! Sorry for the late response

Staff that choose not to attend trainings as well as don't log on for online certification but email me every year to tell me they missed the opportunity, so `what do I do?' I pull 17 people into a meeting for the benefit of 4 and the most vocal, annoying one doesn't attend but shows up in my office after the fact with 2 1/2 pages of questions. I don't think she liked my answers very much -eye poke-

We had a good conversation last night. I won't belabor the details but I did share with him and he agreed, that he doesn't always say the right thing in the right moment. I shared with him that I need to focus more on his actions because they tell me how much he loves me and pay attention to how well he treats me in those moments. Because he absolutely does. I understand what's important to him and what makes him feel loved and that is being appreciated for all that he does do. And he typically goes out of his way to make me happy. I did share with him that I really want him give some more thought on actually `hearing' me. Because if I feel heard, then I feel understood and safe. Trying to dispute or rationalize my feelings on his terms pushes me away. Ultimately this is what makes me feel loved the most. He understood and said he really needed to work on listening and not trying to be `right' all the time. And I need to learn to stay open, because I tend to just shut down, push him away and want to end things right there and then when things get tough.

Thx for your response Ms. Darcy. The original texts were in the morning when he insisted I was too tired, needed to see my mother and needed to the grocery store, etc At the moment things got weird I called him instead. Yes. . we do think differently and it is sad that two people who want the same thing can not hear each other. It's frustrating actually. We are supposed to talk tonight. . I don't know what to expect. I don't want to give up at the same time I know what I need in a relationship . . and I need someone who can hear me. (not the same as agree with me) It's not even a choice anymore. It's the just the way it works. I can only imagine he would say the same.

I asked him not to come up before. . .for all the right reasons. I didn't want him to come up to appease me and considering the challenges about the distance, it wouldn't serve this relationship well at all if someone drove 2 hours just to make a point. It's a recipe for resentment. I get what you are saying. He made the effort and deserved the credit. I only wanted to address the indirectness he goes about what he is after. It puts me into the position of playing `what's S really thinking??' game. I am serious when I say only want someone to come up who is realllly wanting to be there. It originally began as practical reasons and turned into personal reasons. Funny. I used the word 'duress' and he laughed. He thought it was a little dramatic.

It was a given we would see each other on Friday so if he wasn't up to driving up on Tuesday I totally understood. I was with him Sun/Mon afterall. Though it seemed difficult for him to say so himself, but more comfortable if he prompted me to un invite him. Much like NL I tend to be a little more direct and prefer those close to me to be the same. It feels manipulative when someone baits me for a desired response that they can't easily say themselves. I am not a good mind reader nor do I want to be. I am guilty of letting go on longer than necessary because it's residual of my past struggles married to an unempathetic man who turned the tables on me every chance he got. It's hard to sit in the middle of someone trying to make you take the blame for the very thing you were unhappy about. . and then they pull the victim card. I am confused about the `we don't bring out the best in each other' statement, because for me that's what you say to someone when things aren't working out. I pretty much told him so in the moment. Not confused why he said but his behavior afterwords. When we got back to my house I assumed he would drive home yet he seemed confused as to why I was bothered by the statement. Even though I asked him to clarify it in the moment he now, if front of my house was back peddling saying it was `just a thought' and maybe a possibly good discussion. And why can't I be more empathic to him? Huh?! By then I was exhausted by the mixed, push/pull comments that didn't go anywhere but in more confusing circles. And no. .the texting was initially very brief. Everything that followed was in person.

edit. . ..grrrrrrr

I don't know where to start so I guess I'll just start typing. I spend Sun, Mon with S and while discussing schedules and what day he'll come my way I threw out Tues (yesterday) was the only available day midweek this week. S tends to be a pleaser and he agreed but kept asking questions about it. I got the sense that for merely practical reasons it wasn't a good day for him and I was perfectly ok with it and said so. Twice Monday and 4 times yesterday he came up with reasons it would not be good for 'me' to come up. Each one wasn't valid but I was sensing he was trying to get out of coming up but dressing it up as several different favors to me rather than just coming right out and saying so. With every opportunity I gave him to reschedule (which made perfect sense to me) I got mixed messages. He either really wanted to come but in the same breath he would counter, afterall giving me time to go my mother, grocery store, catch up on sleep. With that he even said he could play tennis with K last night. (because he already called him too!) Argh. . I wouldn't have been the least bit upset if we waited a mere 3 days to see each other on Friday instead, yet he couldn't bring himself to come right and say so. Most of this was through text so I just called and said that he didn't need to come up, I would not take it personally but I do get a little annoyed when you continue to dress it up as a favor to me rather than coming right out and saying so. Even after I held to door for you to do so. {It just feels really passive aggressive - I didn't say that but was thinking it} Now he insists on coming up anyway because it `doesn't feel right now' I told him I didn't need him to come up to appease me. After all it's a 2 hour drive to so. No sense in either one of feeling tense over an already challenging schedule and I'll see him on Friday. He comes up any way. I needed to share with him how I felt and how I don't want to get into the `what's S really thinking' game because he has difficulty saying what he really wants. I didn't really want him visiting last night under duress. That it would do neither one of us or our relationship any good. So here we go. Conversations that I am familiar with. I respectfully state how I feel and in turn he shares with me that he was being considerate of my feelings and that was the only reason why he said the things he did. - very possible and I acknowledge that. But he goes on further on and manages to turn the tables where it's now about poor S. We've done this dance before and all I ask for is a little empathy. I told him I understood how he might have felt and I appreciated the effort to drive my way. I am waiting for my moment where he might have seen how I could have felt the way I did, but instead I was wrong and he was the victim. He even used the word injured and started with bringing up past issue to support his cause. I am assuring him he did nothing wrong and didn't need to apologize. It's not about right or wrong it's just taking one small moment and trying to see my side. He didn't need to agree with it, but could have cared that I felt the way I did. After an hour of this that's going no where. At this point I am done. If I have learned anything it's when someone tells you how they feel, you don't need to agree or take responsibility for it. It's certainly not a good idea to defend it make them feel wrong for having brought it something that was important to them in the first place. I gave him a scenario, had the tables been turned and he shared that with me, I might have hugged him and said I could see by his standpoint how it might have felt that way, I am sorry he felt bad and there was no where I would rather be than here with you and hugged him. Bam. .that's it, moment over. But what ensued was an hour of volleying nonsense where his is imitated me, mind reading, discounted my feelings and telling me he felt injured. I spent an hour trying to teach someone to meaning of empathy. Silly, I know My son came home in the middle of it so we left and had awkward quiet dinner. During dinner he says straight to my face `I don't think we bring out the best in each other' I sat quietly, processing what he's said and I responded maybe 10 minutes later `that's a pretty bold statement' `So can you sum up the entire last six months as not bringing out the best in each other?' (this is our 3rd disagreement and in the scheme of things it super minor but the nonscensical derailment tends to be just like this one.) So when asked to clarify - Him "We do pretty good at being playmates, but when the rubber meets the road and it matters most we don't bring out the best in each other' I am speechless. . again trying to process this. A few minutes later I tell him, `I have no where to go with that' He asks` what do you mean?' I repeated what he said and said I'm feeling a really confused raw at the moment, but to hear you sum it up like that, there is no where left to go from here for me" We get back to my house, he start to walks me to my door with out having retrieved the bags from his car. `Are you driving home?' I ask `what do you want me to do?' I repeat that if a man can tell me that statement to my face it doesn't sound like a challenge but very much an ending. He begins to back pedal and deny that's what he `exactly said' or exactly meant and at this point he is flailing all over the place and treating me like I am unreasonable or better yet, I have hearing problems. With that he said `you need to have some empathy for me' I said good night and walked in my house alone. I am stunned, anxious and saddened. This scenario of the lack of empathy and flipping the script has happened most of my life with men. Is it me or them?

Feeling a little out of sorts last couple days. No doubt it's due to lack of sleep and just plain old long work weeks. I need to readjust some of my time so I don't end up feeling depleted. Having a relationship takes times and often I feel like what little time I have left isn't enough to culminate my friendships. Add in the mindset that my friends assume I am otherwise occupied. S's crazy schedule has me jumping in out of my circle of friends and obviously life goes on without me but I am having a hard time trying to strike a balance. My friends are golfing today and asked me to take the day off of work. I had already promised to take Monday off to see S, so taking both off wasn't a great idea. Besides today I am short staffed so it wouldn't have happened anyway. Now I have the weekend to myself and miss out on the window of opportunity for some girlfriend time and will spend the weekend alone. This happens often lately. By the end of week I am tired and I am not at my best. S wanted to Skype last night but it was getting late so a I phoned him instead. He's not much of a conversationalist on the phone or Skype for that matter and I seem to have to carry 80% of the conversations. He was disappointed that I didn't Skype and called instead. From there the conversation went dark. Long awkward silences. I desperately needed to get to bed and in turn he felt dismissed. So I stayed on the phone longer than I should have and he didn't have anything to say! I am getting annoyed and feeling like damned if I do and damned if I don't. I need to set some firmer expectations because I can, at times compromise myself to make others happy. Ultimately no one wins. I was already sleep deprived and ended up with a whole 6 hours of sleep and tiny bit of resentment. Then I feel bad when I put myself in his place. Spending a few extra minutes with him isn't much to ask for but I don't see the point of staring at each other in silence. I am cranky, if that's not already obvious! I miss my friends. I don't know how to juggle it all. There needs to be 8 days a week or I need to get by on 6 hours of sleep or less. I might meet up with my friend and her aunt for dinner but I am so tired I might have to pass. I know. .first world problems. I'll stop whining now.

No stressor as of late. And don't worry about responding! I haven't much to respond to, besides you have plenty on your plate! The insecurity seems to be getting better or he's just better at hiding it. I did make a comment about him hiding it and in turn he reminded me he is respectfully working on it and I need to give him credit . .Fair enough. Our last conversation got me thinking as he was sharing the more he got to know me, the better he would feel. I cautioned him that it probably wasn't the best idea to be looking outside of himself for inside, but that this was more of an inside job. He get's it. He's been to therapy and volunteeringly went to support/work groups, so he's hungry to learn about himself. This is something I can work with. I can't count how many men I have dated who were absolutely unable to be introspective. I am cautiously optimistic and don't believe for a minute that he's on the other side of it. But he checks himself (or I do) and honestly there hasn't been a lot of opportunity to challenge it lately. A couple weeks ago I golfed with girlfriends, went to dinner and had a couple drinks. I pointed out to him that as much as I like that he shows interest in my day, he does tend to cross the line over into asking too many questions, where it no longer feels like a friendly exchange, but more of an inquiry. I told him I have been single long enough that I don't particularly like to be accountable, though I know part of being in a relationship is being accountable - to a degree. But seeing any of it is challenging for me and coupled with being in controlling relationships, I am uber sensitive to it. I can sense when he catches himself now. There was one night I was out with my friends and I was frustrated at him and myself because as it was getting late, I was feeling anxiety because I needed to leave my friends early in order to Skype with him at a certain time that I had offered to. To me it felt like a curfew and I was so resentful by the time I called him, I took it out on him. I didn't say much but you could smell my bad attitude. I immediately felt bad because he told me that if I was having fun, that's all that mattered. Just to let him know I would speak with him the following day. I took me a few hours to readjust over something I assumed. So having said all that. . which in light of everything else, there is great improvement. It's also reminder that I have things to work on too. That I have no reason to defend myself and I tend to get pretty defensive where this subject is concerned.

Things continue to go well with S. We've managed to carve out time despite our schedule and it wasn't nearly as difficult as we thought it might be. I spent Saturday night at his home, coming home last night. Tomorrow he'll stay at mine and then he's gone again until Sunday. I've taken up golfing in the last year and just don't seem to find time to sign up for some private instruction. That and seeing S has cut in to my golfing time with my friends. S has gone with me a couple times, but he has on going back issues that a golf swing doesn't agree with. That and I swear he thinks it will hurt his tennis game. He is obsssesssed with tennis. It makes for some playful banter. S tells me to bring my clubs this weekend and we'll make time for the driving range. We get there and as I am putting on my shoes, he disappears to pay only to return with one of son's best friends who is a golf pro. `Look who I ran into! '. Caught off guard and a little awkwardly embarrassed Todd worked with me for about 45 minutes. After which the 3 of us went and had a beer. It was only then did I figure out that S had arranged the whole thing ahead of time. So sweet. It's been a long time or I am not sure I can remember when I have been this vulnerable and open with someone. It's more apparent to me each day how much I have withheld parts of myself in relationships. Even having said that, S shares with me that I hold back with him some. There is some truth to this . . but if he only knew. .

Just a random vent. My ex husband is a narcissist. I know people toss that around here irresponsibly so I wouldn't put it in writing if it wasn't so. (my therapist and our marriage counselor labeled him so) I rarely if ever answer my phone if he calls. The boys are old enough now that unless they are bleeding, we have no reason to speak. But it doesn't stop him. I swear he dreams up reasons to call. This translates into once a year or twice, maybe for random reasons. Each and every time I am in his presence or talk to him, I feel baited. For longer than I can recall he has asked me for the family home videos. Everything he does is under the guise of being a generous, nice guy. Mostly from my experience, it's for his own selfish reasons. That or attention. At some point I gave in when he was using our youngest son as a messenger and having my son even ask what my resistance was, after all Dad was being this great, generous guy and offering to convert them to dvds and generously make me copies. How could I be so difficult?? After 12 years I knew the videos were deteriorating and his offer was better than letting the video tapes go bad. So I packed them off, sent them off with my youngest son knowing darn well I would never see them again, dvd or otherwise. Yah. .I was right. That was 4 years ago. silly me. Last night my ex leaves me a vm to call him back. Our oldest son is graduating the fire academy and wanted photos of when he was younger on or around the fire station (my ex is a fireman). He wants to give the someone who is going to make a commemorative video montage to show at our sons family celebration. I mention to my ex that I do have these pictured and I would take snapshots of them and email them to him. He's not very techn savvy, insisting those won't work and needs the originals. I commented that I would never see them again much like the family movies. He raises his voice in protest "I am just trying to something nice for A***!!!" I know it doesn't sound like much but I flashback to years and years of all the things that were done for me or the boys, even under protest because he `was being sooo nice' There was I time I would argue with him. Instead I said `you're right, I'll get them to you right away' Hmmmphh. . NOT. I will email them to him much like I offered. My ex will throw my son a party, much like he did when A*** graduated paramedic school. My ex will sit at the head of the table, grandstand, draw attention to him self all night and make sure everyone knows he's picking up the tab. These parties have very little to do with the intended and everything to do with my ex. . `because after all he's such a great guy' Ok. . I am done venting.

Ok. .thanks for my morning chuckle. that's pretty funny. Yah. .I need to lighten up a little. S trips over himself at times and depending on my mood I don't handle it as well as you do. It's about the intention behind it. . not the actual words. I guess I can be too literal at times.. . or sensitive or maybe both. I am a bi product of two prior critical relationships. Working on not letting that influence my present one.

maybe I'm not reading this right or tired and hungry . .or all the above, but I am not sure what you meant by 'My poor husband would never pass with ya'll' No mind-reading, no guessing, no "knowing what to say and when to say it" ? I ask you to clarify because you seem so happy. . maybe it'll rub off

S said something last night about what he thought of my old profile picture. He said my teeth looked shiny and therefore had concerns about my teeth? He has said how relieved he was more than once. I told him there are some thoughts one should just keep to themselves

I'm laughing. I know who Zues is just the reference to guzzle, I'm thinking it's a fancy drink I'm not aware of. . Well having said I guess it is

The knitting comment made me laugh out loud. Isn't that the truth! What's Zues?. . lol Besides I shared with him in the past. . we will only be together if we `want' to. If either of us doesn't, there isn't a dam* thing you can do about it. Learning to let go and have faith is all you can do. Worrying about the 'what it's' is pointless. Just to be the best partner you can be. I was mad at him one night a couple weeks ago when he asked too many questions. I said `don't be that guy!' and hustled him off the phone. I know he was embarrassed. Time will tell. . he leaves on Thursday for another trip and I have plans with my friends for the weekend. He volunteered if I am busy in the evening he'll just tell me to go have fun and we'll catch up in the morning. I am a skeptic. . I still am. But what I do see in this man is a true willingness to own his sh** and the desire to do things differently. I've asked for something. I have to give him the opportunity to come through.

No, no `looks' But it's still early! As far jokes. S has a great sense of humor and mine is pretty dry and sarcastic. I can say something playfully sarcastic and he doesn't know I am joking at times.. . I also know sarcasm isn't appreciated by everybody so I've learned choose my audience. Seeing that the insecurity is still a sensitive issue. . but so much better than before, it may not be time to joke about it. But I understand what you're getting at.

It is mentioned in the context of me recounting my day at work. . or holding a firm boundary with him or someone else and checking him pretty quick with he crosses a line. I can be pretty direct and seeing I wasn't always this way. .being a tough broad is a compliment to me. .at least in the spirit he intends it to be.