reinventmyself

""See what M is doing now is just pissing me off. It's more passive aggression. If he wants something (presumably another chance with you), then be direct and say it, sending little stickers to invoke sympathy from you is childish, it's what kids do"". It is. . And I did speak with him about this previously. About letting so much time passing between misunderstandings, his inability to communicate on the phone let alone get in his car and show up to resolve an issue. (I've gone to him before, because I felt it important) The fact that he can let it go for days and when I do actually see him he wants to pretend nothings happened. The last time I saw I him I said I won't be in a relationship that's basically managed by little text stickers all week. At that time I told him I felt such a disconnect that I was afraid there was no going back. Now after everything else this is not salvageable. I lay awake last night thinking of what you said and thanks for pointed out the obvious. .this too is just added to longer growing list of passive aggressive behaviors

oh wow. .we did. .I first thought you were quoting me. .haha

Thanks NL. . You are wise beyond your years I will keep this thought you painted for me. As I am about to leave work and head home for late birthday dinner with my sons. . At the same time M is currently sending me little text stickers. It just feels mean. . I have a hard time doing so . .I feel so stuck.

I am surely not initiating anything and rarely if ever responding. Just that final. . . "leave me alone" is so hard. And I know for me, it's not about finding someone better at this time. It's about venturing out on my own for a while. Facing that abyss right now. . I just wish he would just fade away . .like I am trying to do

I am being such a coward to cut that final tie. . Technically I have only spent 3 hours with him in the past 3 weeks? One would think I would have detached enough by now. .

Thank you Mrs D. . Hope your bday was the best one ever! and to Notalady . . Yah. .He does the push/pull thing. Says things he can't take back and regrets and then comes snooping around like nothing's happened. We are broken up. The mere fact that he got all twisted that I hadn't made time for him proves that he forgot that little piece of information. Good question. . why is he asking? Probably because I haven't made it clear enough. Add in I overlooked his threats in the past and played along. .assuming that I will probably do so again I suppose.

I had a great time with my friends, leaving early on Thursday and returning early Saturday morning. M texts me on Friday morning wanted to know what I had decided about getting together over the weekend. He wasn't aware of my plans and I share I am out of town and will return Sat. How about Sunday? He responds `no'. . Make a long story short he said if I had cared I would have made time for him and Sunday was too short of notice, besides it was 'a day of rest'. I get that I didn't respond to him earlier in week but I was going to let him know on Friday. Besides I wasn't sure I wanted to see him at all. !?. . Excuse my language but clearly there is no winning with this man. I can only assume he was upset that I was out of town. I am with my friends and refusing to let him ruin my day. So I calmly responded: I would have preferred to have spent my birthday with you had you not continued playing the break up game with me and saying not-so-nice things about my birthday. And if two days notice is not enough, I understand. Enjoy your restful Sunday. Aarrrrggghhhhh!!! Yesterday he keeps sending me snap chats and ultimately last night he text saying he hopes I enjoyed my birthday weekend. I don't respond. I do need to block his number but I keep stalling.

So last night the shift happens. .He is no longer lashing out and now apologetic. I told him that I was tired, upset and his way of handling conflicts scared me. He says he understands and will give me time. Today he texts like nothing's happened. I don't respond. It's hard to tell someone you spent 6 months with goodbye as they try to keep the door open. It doesn't help when the anger subsides and I remember the good qualities. It takes effort on my part to recount the petty stuff. I have to come here and reread all that's transpired. I wish the men in my life had half the empathy I have for them as I tend to put myself in their place a little too much and imagine the grief he must feel. It makes it harder for me to be firm. So in typical D pattern. . I avoid. I haven't really cried or processed this. Not sure if there are tears to cry. I can feel the anxiety creeping in which is a typical signal for me that I am not dealing with things the way I should. . .busy, busy, busy. I leave in the morning for 2 days. . more busy. He has asked to see me this weekend to celebrate my birthday. I haven't answered. But I just keep thinking of all the petty comments about `giving me the best birthday gift by breaking up with me. . How this must be the best birthday ever. And how happy I should be" How he had all these plans (trip) but "cancelled them all" . . .childish, extremely childish. Wow. .If I was that terrible, then why are you bothering me now? Thanks for trying to ruin my day but what you don't know is . . I'll be gone.

Well then, Happy Birthday to you too!

Thursday, July 16th and yet another tragic text, 'sorry I won't bother you anymore'.

Thx All! With that he just text me.. . emoticons waving at me because he drove by my work. Uhg. Please don't make me block him. .

Thanks to both of you!! I needed to hear that. Well . .it's over. I trying to talk to him last night and I got bombarded with immature emotionally charged passive aggressive remarks. I was asking what the status of our relationship was and whether I should make other plans for my birthday days off. His response `I cancelled everything' I can't repeat everything he said. . My mind is mush right now and I didn't sleep but in a sad way I am thankful he really unveiled that side of himself to me. It makes my much decision easier. Still hurts but it's better knowing I did the right thing. I will tell you he thinks he can tell me to break up with him or he has ended it with me over and over. Unfortunately it's a veiled threat on his part to get a reaction out of me but it isn't what he really wants. He's just being childish and immature and basically it's being really manipulative. So at some point when the conversation wasn't going anywhere I told him I will take him for his word on this, after all you don't need to tell me it's over too many times until I will actually take your word for it. Yet he tries to stop me?? Huh? Or insists I am a `quitter' . .It's too confusing for me to even explain. It just became a lose/lose situation. It apparently didn't matter that I had warned him about doing this previously. That you don't make threats like unless you are willing to back it up. After not getting anywhere after 40 mins, I hung up, exasperated. With that I defriended him on Facebook before I went to bed. My phone lit up like a Christmas tree with a barrage of texts on how I did that just to hurt him? Are you kidding me? He breaks up with me over and over, I give up and now says I defriended him just to hurt him?! That just confirms that he never really intended on ending it, yet irresponsibly throws in my face repeatedly. He asked why I couldn't have waited until we `cooled off'. I reminded him he broke up with me on more than once and when given the opportunity (repeatedly) he never opted for 'cooling off' UHG. . I will not lower myself to this juvenile level. His conflict resolving skills are that of a 5 year old. And . .he admitted he was still mad I that saw my friends to celebrate our birthdays on Friday after I gave him one days notice. . enough said. . This morning I get a Facebook friend request. .from `you know who' I am leaving to go on an impromptu trip with some girlfriends on my birthday days off, Th & Fr. Happy Birthday to me. . .

. . that and my dating/relationship patterns. I have walked away from all or most of my relationships. I am the common denominator here. . that troubles me. 'What am I missing?' I keep asking myself.

""Do you fear hurting him? Do you fear being alone? Do you fear not being able to find anyone else? Or is it something else?"" I keep asking myself these questions and what I come up with is I am afraid of the anxiety I have had in my last breakup that was difficult and the end of my marriage. Somehow I equate all losses to be this way or are going to feel this way. I will do almost anything to ward of the anxiety including not making difficult decisions. What am I losing, I keep asking myself? `an activity partner' I guess is all I come up with. I just want things to be different and it's so easy to be on the other side and tell people to accept people the way they are. Trust me I know. .I can preach it til the cow's come home. But when you are in it, it's a different view. It's the emotional brain arguing with the intellectual brain I suppose. Yes, I am afraid of hurting him . Afraid of being alone with the anxiety. . It's my birthday this week and he had asked me to take days off. I can only assume he had a trip planned and he buys inappropriately expensive gifts. I am embarrassed for him. . for me. I can't in goodfaith go . .I feel bad if I don't. I don't even know if the plan is in place. . I just wish things were different and keep holding out for a flicker of something that got thru to him. . This is just stressing me out and I can't sort it through and I feel stuck.

I have. . but it's so hard!

The outburst happened faster than I could have imagined. When we were talking Thurs I mentioned my friend in town the following night and with 3 birthdays total I would be meeting my friends the following night. He wasn't too happy that I didn't `give him more notice' because we typically see each other on Friday nights. But here I was visiting him on an impromptu Thurs so I didn't think it was a big deal. But I respect it was important to him. If it were me, I wouldn't have minded but afterall I am not him. Besides, if speaking each to other during the week wasn't such a challenge he might have known sooner. Saturday morning he informs me he had been out with his friend the night before and had too much to drink and was hung over and tired. I asked to see him but we agreed to reach out later that day to see how he feels. It's 2 oclock and I reach out and his response was if I couldn't wait for an answer than I should go ahead and make plans with my friends. Uhg. Not sure if I he's sincere and paying me back for seeing my friends the night before, but neither is ok. Especially in light of everything. . more time apart isn't helping. I invite my gf over to watch a movie and he continues to text me asking me what I doing. I just told him I was busy. After all he could have hung out with me but he often takes the route of being passive aggressive or a martyr. I have no patience for this at this point. I get my 'busy' answer was p-a as well but I felt as if he was checking up on me. Sunday morning he texts wanting to come over and talk. . ugh. . I am all about talking. But at this point I have had my fill of drama. So we are texting . . bad idea, I know and it doesn't go well. He tells me again to break up with him. Later that day I invite him over and he says no `because he didn't want to argue anymore' My response `I wasn't planning on arguing, but ok' I am not sure where we stand at the moment we haven't spoken and I continue to get sad little text stickers from him and recently he text a picture of us together. It all feels so high schoolish. I am having a really hard time letting this go and second guessing myself. . . Hoping that putting this in writing helps. Limbo is not a good place for me either but I refuse to ask where we stand. Besides I would likely not get a straight answer.

I saw M last night and we talked. I really laid everything on the line for him. I told him that I respect our differences but in the end I couldn't continue unless he was able to open up and let me in. It is ultimately what I need to sustain a relationship. I also brought up the emotional intense reactions and after explaining to him what I meant in the moments in comparison to what his knee jerk reaction was, he said he could understand and it was something he could work on. Now. . I know at this point in my life to accept people as they are. Someone's emotional temperament is hardwired and not easily changed if not impossible. He was actually very thoughtful and articulate which surprised me and shared some things with me but in the end I suspect this will be short lived. Having just said that I know I have a tendency at moments like this to only focus on the negative. There are a lot of positives about him, but unfortunately I don't think we are meant for each other. So I am giving it to the end of the month or the next outburst, which ever comes first and I am out. I am actually emotionally out right now. . He knows this about me, that I don't bounce back easily and he's really understanding of this as well. Most might ask, why not end it now? Well, I don't have much to lose. Because of our schedules, I may see him 5 or 6 times between now and the end of the month. I can see once and for all if we can adjust or not and not have any second thoughts. In between, my life goes on. It really has all along as we pretty much lead separate lives anyway.

Thanks NL. . . I think I need to see `it' again to solidify my feelings. No doubt `it' will come out in a challenging conversation. I don't want to second guess myself and feel the pull to run back. And you're right about the loneliness part. .I experienced that in my marriage so I know that dynamic.

Thanks notalady, He's asked to see me tomorrow night. I am already on the road of detachment. I don't want this to set me back on the progress I have made already. But he deserves to be heard out. Then there are always the what if's. . What if he does `get's it'? I have gone from wondering what it would take to get him to open up to wondering if he is even willing and ultimately realizing, he's not able. So honestly, I know better. Uhg! Anybody else I would end it by text or go dark. Not this one. thx for the hugs. . much appreciated

I thought it best to update here in my journal rather than the public forum. I've been in emotional hibernation mode trying to center myself and realized that further input from those who don't know the whole picture wasn't the best idea. I didn't want or need to spend my time defending myself when I just needed objective honest feedback. Exactly what I didn’t want to happen, happened. M showed up we were rushed to get to dinner and ended up in a really crowded restaurant and ate a quick dinner at the bar. Not conducive of an intimate conversation. From there we met up with my friends and had a nice eve. .BUT For me there were some unresolved issues. We hadn’t communicated all week and as much as he might have liked to I wasn’t going to just brush this under the rug. Back at my house, late at night I share with him that I would like him to stay the night but we won’t be intimate. He asked why and I told him that we hadn’t had a chance to talk all week and I was hoping to before or during dinner but after a couple drinks and it being late at night, having it then wasn’t a good idea. It was best kept for the morning. I shouldn’t have been surprised that he got defensive and insisted on leaving . . He interpreted `a talk’ as referring to the details of his divorce. I tried to share with him that I didn’t want to talk about ‘that.’ So the conversation that I didn’t want to do at that time was now unfolding because if we weren’t talking about `that’ what we were talking about? I tried to give him only the theme and it wasn’t going well. I tried to get him to stay . . he had a few beers and lives maybe 30 min’s away. Given the holiday, getting on the freeway was a terrible idea. Besides, I don’t bite and I thought I was being reasonable. Anyway the limited conversation was hot mess of passive aggressive comments from him and really reacting again like a cornered animal. He actually lashed out a couple comments that were just uncalled for. He’s done this once before and I see him doing it as shock value to get me to back down. Sadly I am not really doing much of anything other than informing him that we needed to talk in the morning and gaging is reaction. The very thing that will be a deal breaker is happening again. I just let him go. As it turns out he sat in his car for a couple hours. I didn’t sleep all night and now it’s the 4th of July and I have a couple different options with friends. I need to plan my day and he’s silent. I am tired, distressed and don’t know what to do so I text him midday asking if I could come over and talk. I said everything I wanted to say and he didn’t have much to say in return. I don’t know if he heard me. . how and if it even registered. For the most part I just limited it to the intense reactions I see in him and the challenge of feeling close and connected to him was as much as a challenge as it ever was. I didn’t end the relationship. I am too much of a coward at the moment. . I left. The day was pretty much ruined and I didn’t see my friends. I actually drove up to one friend’s house for a gathering and realized I wasn’t going to be very good company and didn't get out of my car and left. I am always surprised at the level of anxiety I feel when ending relationships. One would think I’d be good at it by now, but with each one under my belt it just gets harder. Basically, I don’t want to face that anxiety. Not sure why I feel this way because outside of an activity partner, we aren’t emotionally connected. However, it still feels the same. Sunday morning he asks if I will go for a bike ride. I agreed. 4 hours, not much talking and alot of riding and people watching and with that he went back home. When I am stressed it takes me time alone to settle down. I need to make decisions when I am centered. I haven't talked to him since. Nothing more than the typical texts. Which for us is our relative normal. After some time to reflect I have come to these conclusions. On the few occasions I tried to talk to him about things that are important to me such as: *the desire for him to connect with my son who lives with me. (He doesn't say word in my son's presence or try to engage him, long story) (he took as criticism) *my attempts to connect with him and know more intimate details of his life (he took as prying) *my attempts of letting him know what makes me happy sexually (he took as criticism) It's one thing to want an intimate connection with someone and not get it. It's another problem when someone gets angry when you try to do so. I am now at a point I don't know what is safe to discuss, besides the weather. I know what I need to do but the process of letting go takes me time. . Last night he texts me. .(because after all he hates to talk on the phone and we don't see each other during the week) M: We don't seem close lately D: It seems I have tried but I feel shut out. I think you and I may have a different definition of `close' Be gentle in your responses. . I am pretty raw still. . .

Dear B, So round four, what did I learn? That you are indeed a Narcissist. I guess it was the lesson I needed to learn again. After my marriage I committed to spotting your type and it’s rattles me to my core that you got past me. . at least initially. Did I know you were an N?. . No. .but I knew something was seriously off. I am saddened and shaken I had to pay a therapist money to tell me something I should have known. But from this point on I will work at forgiving myself. So my day with you yesterday . I watched as I spoke and you glazed over with my conversations, much like G and M (other N’s in my life) do because they are rarely if ever are actively listening. You even excused yourself and walked away while I was midsentence. Midsentence in some benign question you yourself had asked me. I find it fascinating when your own friends say things that make me sit straight up: Yesterday -Mark: I can tell he’s rarely listening to me anyway. (or something to that effect) You in an arrogant way demanding to speak to the manager about the $4 plate splitting fee. . ugh. I am tired this morning and haven’t had time to gather all my thoughts and replay the inane conversation we had last night before I walked out. But the comments about `How my mind works’ and the moment you said. `if you only understood how my mind works and you could adjust yourself to the that’ I repeated the same sentence back to you changing the names so you could hear how inane it sounded. We recounted history once again and as I am asking you if you understood that round 4 was a mere four months and based on my other rounds it shouldn’t be a surprise that I was taking my time learning to trust your intentions and allowing things to unfold. (rereading again how N's show up/want and instant relationship/and act as if nothing has happened) Your response was that for you: You knew. therefore in that moment it should have been 100%. But sharing how I felt was different. .but according to you, I am wrong in the my handling my part. You admitting over and over that you are controlling by nature (like a badge of honor) and I should just be more open to your `help’ and not take it so personally. In reliving the bike moment I am sharing as an adult woman, I don’t need someone barking at me how to ride a bike. But in turn, you say you knew the path and was helping. If it was just that in itself, I could overlook it but the pervasive tone that I am lesser than, not knowing, not capable, the harsh condensation in your means to`help’ or corrections and the rules was just too much for me. You promise that tho you can't change being controlling you will work on your tone. . (??) Then the final comments. .cancer/gemini relationship . did you read it?. .did you ever read it?. .we should read it together . . yes, yes, and yes we did. When I get quiet you become somewhat offended that I don't take the horoscope connection seriously. I respond that (I don't dare say what I am really thinking) "why is it when I have something concrete of concern on the table it is glossed over by a connections to horoscopes?" Basically, I can’t nor do I want to recall the mad mess of the enitire volleying conversation we had. I don’t feel heard and you counter everything I say. It so reminds me of my ex husband, where each conversation felt as if I was riding a wild bronco bull. Ending with the best part. . “Well, maybe you have a problem” I got up. .got my purse and said `Good luck with that, B’ and walked out. I got a text on my way home something about an ending and like my therapist shared with me. . `he's so controlling and narcissistic, he needs to be in control of the ending too' This fact used to really bother me but now I expect it. .It doesn't even matter I walked out once again. .you need to get in the last word so you can feel better about it all. I think of all the snarky, pointed responses I could say. . The nice ones, the sad ones. .But I know better. It's all wasted energy. Besides, I don't want to do you any favors in learning how to treat a partner. Continue on with whatever way suites you because you will anyway. . ~good luck with that' So ..a year later, I got my answers, my closure and hopefully I have learned some more valuable lessons here. One's I thought I learned along time ago. . . and for anyone that's been in a relationship with a narcissist. .it is like a bad trip to the dark side. It's not something to get over or work through easily. It really changes who you are. I am greatful I didn't `go there' with him again. But just being in his presence and reliving our entire relationship has me a little off balance lately. Luckily not enough to have any lasting effect. Just another lesson I needed to learn again. I can close this door tightly and an finally move on.

. . Thx NL. Hoping I find the courage to trash all this and start over and trust that it's the right thing to do.

Not much has changed. I waffle between having a great time with M on weekends and appreciating everything about him, to not knowing what I want. I keep telling myself on a daily basis: Honestly, there isn't a decision to made, so why fret? It's not like I see him very much anyway. His new job has him spread so thin. It doesn't help that talking to the ex is a constant reminder on how intense chemistry with someone should feel. I am trying to learn something about myself and what I am attracted to. Those with that electric chemistry have not been good choices for me. So what is that chemistry?. . Something I can't have or maybe it's intense drama and not intense chemistry? B (ex) is controlling and M is passive. . . .In comparison to what I am used to, maybe M's more normal than he is passive. What do I know? M is a steady calm. . something I am not accustomed to. It doesn't help that we don't see each other during the week and he absolutely hates to talk on the phone. It's pointless to try because he's so awkward on the phone anyway. He texts, snap chats all day so as much as I know he's thinking of me it doesn't replace a real conversation. By the end of the week I feel so disconnected to him, I could easily walk away. In comparison to the ex who emails me all day. Ironic as it is I feel more connected to him just sharing the daily antics of life throughout the day. But hmmph. .I am not dating him. All in all . . I am not terribly concerned about what will happen or what's around the corner. It feels odd in way to not be attached to any sort of outcome. No matter how this plays out I'll be fine.

I like this premise . .I wrestle with acknowledging my feelings after years of not allowing them and at the same time knowing I have choice over how I want to react to something. It's a catch 22 at times.