reinventmyself

ok. . .it's all making sense. . I will write this and possibly delete it until I have more time to think it over. . but here it goes. He shared with me that after his marriage of 23 yrs ended he - in haste jumped into a marriage with someone ill suited for him 6 mos later. They divorced after 2 1/2 years. During this marriage he had ED issues and went to the dr. and was prescribed testosterone cream. I have asked a couple times if this crème helped and now in retrospect I hadn't really gotten a straight answer. Suffice to say there were several things going wrong in this marriage that ultimately fell apart. So this is where the insecurity and nervousness comes in . .He's had it in his head for collectively 5 years now that he has low testosterone issues and not having been in a relationship for some time he no longer has the prescription. That's where I come in . .being in my 50s I assure him I am not in judgment of anyone at our age with hormone issues. . Hello! . .having been through menopause myself and taking estrogen. How unfair life is sometimes that women sit around fanning themselves and making jokes about their hot flashes and men hide in shame for the very same thing. We've had sex four times? . .2x successful with the aid of something. . and the others. . didn't go so well. He finally went to a new dr and got his results yesterday to be told that he hormone levels were normal. Soooo, this is an emotional issue and not physical. There is no magic pill to fix it and he is disappointed. . Weird when someone says they are disappointed to find out they are normal, but I get what he meant by it. I had been biding my time thinking that he would get his prescription, feel a little skip in his step and this would resolve the lack of confidence. Naively I wasn't overly concerned. Looking back I think he knew it was a bigger deal then he let on. . either that or I wasn't listening. Now it's the other way around . .it's his lack of confidence that is hurting his performance. This is a game changer. Phew. . I am kinda reeling over this and now all the comments he's made up 'til now make more sense. Him asking how important sex was to me and without a full sex life what would we be? : I told him that would be the definition of 'friends' Him asking about commitments and titles and need of reassurance was probably about him thinking if he had these things then he would feel secure and therefore the problem would resolve itself. Him insisting he would be totally happy with a relationship being one sided because he loves to please Now what? He's really disappointed and trying to process what he's learned and rethink this. At the same time I am concerned this has to effect his already shaky confidence and this part of him will now get worse?? If we were married or in a relationship of long duration I would stand beside him .. but at this point it's hard for me to say this. . but I am not up for this. It's not about the act of sex (totally). . it's more about the confidence and the sex is a symptom of something bigger. (remember early on the disclosure about never masturbating?!) Besides .. I have had years of therapy and did the hard work. .(still do) I know the commitment and time it takes to make a difference and there is no magic pill for this. I suggested he might consider `talking' to someone. . and that's all I will say about it. I also know from experience that someone has to want this and do it on their own for it to have any success. . Being told to do it is futile. I know he needed some time last night and was not in a very good place. We talked briefly and asked if I was `up ' for this.. (was I sticking around) I said `only if you are willing to do something about it" He wants to see me tonight and though I was going to go see my mother I know he's really sensitive right now so I agreed. He just now text me to invite my son to dinner with us. Though he has met my oldest son, I typically keep my personal life separate from my sons until a relationship is serious . . . he knows this. Thank you Testcase & Notalday for your comments. . and yes I do think of that every time that I am with him and I make sure I am letting him know I am 'all in' and want this to work. We text throughout the day and I am seeing him more and more often as time goes by. I am a warm, fuzzy kinda person so he can't question my interest based on my actions. . At the same time I am not going to misrepresent myself and say I am feeling something I am not and I can only take responsibility for things I have control of. . The rest is on him and it's appears that it's bigger than me. OK. . . done venting. . . last thought. I know we will talk tonight and as much as this is about him. . He needs to know that I am struggling with wrapping my head around this as well. I feel as if I am `damned if I do' and 'damned if I don't' and disappointed all at the same time. . "Can you give more examples of your lack of intellectual connections?"" Notladay. . I can't think of anyway to say it that doesn't sound ugly. He can't even pronounce the word testosterone. Sometimes I think he's pretty bright.. his quick wit and then I am taken back by things he doesn't know. Again . .I am average at best but if I am not careful I feel like I can talk over his head and I lose him . .I need to dial it down to talk to him so he understands??

I need to list the things I like about Mark: High integrity. Very stable, financially secure. Playful sense of humor Very kind and generous Social. Hard working. Very neat! Dresses nice Very compatible interests in activities. Fits in with my friends and I like his. Handsome, well groomed, tall. Keeps in great shape physically. Monogamous & faithful by nature. Emotionally available and communicative Why am listing these thing? Because he's perfect in so many ways. . too many to list. But I am really struggling with the lack of intellectual connection . .that and his sometimes lack of confidence. He's been questioning `us ' a lot still. Maybe I wasn't being direct enough but I told him yesterday it just needs to stop. I told him if he has this many doubts maybe we ought to take a break. I know that this got his attention but I also know better, he'll just try to be better at hiding it. For this first time I feel like the guy in a relationship, with the insecure girl who keeps seeking reassurance. As a woman, this is an attraction killer for me. Besides, I don't want to be the guy ;( I keep thinking he'll get past this. . I am starting to accept it's just who he is. . BUT with all his positive attributes. . does it out way the negative. . ? I just need a few days to myself right now.

Bwahh haha . that made me laugh. Yes. .and I am old enough to be your Mom. CAREful with the grandparent comment heehee Nevertheless you made my day. I do read remember about how you and Z started off and you dialed it way back and returned to find it that much better. . . I will give this some thought. .

I know. . I am a sucker for good looks. But I have to have that physical attraction. I wish it was different But the better looking ones gave me the worst time. . This is why I list Marks strengths as well . My ex H was beautiful . . . My worst nightmare too.

Here's Mark. . I could stare at him all day. . Ok, you younger gals may not see him the way I do but in your 50's, my dating pool is beginning to resemble my father. So in the scheme of things, Mark's adorable. (too me) Haha I hear yah, MM Tried to delete the second picture. .no luck. . now I feel over exposed! Ok. . need to step away from here before I get myself in more trouble . . Not in my right mind this morning. .LOL

Oh geeez. . I so get that!! So. .then my other option is to venture out and meet some one else and in your 50's, let me tell you we all come with all sorts of random issues, that I never in a million years anticipated!! Yep. . .I know I can find that one that gives me those weak knees, butterflies. .but what experience has taught me: It's typically the ones I can't have, don't like me as much as I do them and if you do get past that, then you unfold the massive deal breaker issues. It's so exhausting the thought it of makes me not want to try. Mark has his sh** together. . he's extremely handsome, fun, we have so much in common, he has massive amounts of integrity, stable. . on and on and on . . What's wrong with me??? I am sure if he was a tiny bit more confident and was a little more of a challenge I would be all over him . . I just need to get over myself I guess.

since the week before Christmas.

Mark stayed the night last night and now I think he may understand why we don't see each other mid week. His schedule for the time being is now switched to days but between my commute, his need to be up at 4:30 leaves us maybe 90 mins or less to spend time together. But being in close proximity helps and keeps things from fading inbetween times. I got those '3 little words' this morning when he left. >>. . I am not there and he knows it. After he said it he did add, `I know you're not there yet' I had a rough day at work yesterday and something went wrong just before I left to head home. I wasn't in the best of mood when he saw me and pushed myself to put it behind me and be good company. I know me and when I am bugged I typically shut down and need alone time to process things. The timing of the `3little words' wasn't good. I just can't help but wonder if I am trying to like this guy more than it's actually possible in the healthy organic way. He seemed to backslide a little and was back in his nervous, insecure mode. I have done this before. .try to make something work with someone I am not sure about. . and after sometime and being intimate and getting used to their company, I come to conclusion much too late. I end up disappointing them, feeling guilty and I go through another version of break up withdrawals even though my heart wasn't totally into it. He asked to see me tonight but I opted for dinner with girlfriends. .I will see him tomorrow evening for his best friends birthday party. I need a little distraction and a better attitude right now. I am typically grumpy and tired on Fridays and work stress isn't helping.

I feel this discomfort for her. . because I think he's still seeing her. There's the difference! I am assuming she doesn't know of his dating profile and yet he uses a recent picture with parts of her in it from what looked like a date a the two of them were on. Look how uncomfortable I am for her!. .Can't imagine if it were me and it very well could have been. ;( (and seriously, if you are going to go thru the effort of cropping. .do it right!) ok. . shaking it off. . elch!

. . side note. I've been pretty good about not snooping and checking G. (the one I really fell for who wasn't looking for a relationship) I caught on that he was dating someone as well as me and cut lose because I knew I was in much deeper than him. Yesterday I found his once inactive profile (that I had blocked so I couldn't see) active and updated with new pictures. His profile picture has him sitting next to a woman (long dark hair. . the girl he is/was dating) He did a poor job cropping her out and you could see that she was next to him and her arm in his leg and his on hers. As much it gave those pangs of regret, it also reinforced that his profile picture could very well have had a portion of me in it and how hurtful and disrespectful that would have felt had that been me. So I am giving myself credit for moving on . .tho I don't always `own' it like I should. But it's a work in progress. I don't think he met her online and can't help but wonder if she even knows. . But he's not my problem anymore. OK. . my low, childish moment has passed. (sorta)

Thank you for saying this! It gave me one of those `ah hah' moments. I too dated someone like your friend. He was highly educated and thought very highly of himself. He worked in aerospace defense engineering and loved to banter right wing politics (yawn) as well as show off his knowledge of anything technical in a know-it-all condescending way. Ultimately it was hard to relate to him because he was lacking a little in social skills and emotional intelligence. I work for a dr owned company. The dr's are here often and it often catches me off guard with some of their antics. A brilliant neurosurgeon can get stuck in the parking structure because he's not clear on how to put the exit ticket in to open the gate (not joking!) So the take away here is book smarts and common sense aren't always all inclusive. People often excel in one but only some are lucky enough to have both.

me him

Not much to report. . No news is good news I suppose. I spent most of the weekend with Mark and I met his best friend Friday night and then we met up with my friends on Saturday night. I never bring dates around this group so they were very surprised. Funny how most of the girls said hello and then almost ignored us. . .but the second he went to the restroom or went to the bar all the girls would rally around. . `oh my gosh. . where did you find him?", & 'I can't believe YOU brought a date!' Mark would return and girls would swing around a go about their business. It was actually quite funny. I stayed the night at Marks Friday night and he left for work really early Saturday morning. I knew he had to work but I guess I didn't realize he would leave before 5am. He gave me a key to lock up and when I tried to return it to him later that day he suggested I hang onto it. Things like this tend to make me nervous. .but I am rolling with it and trying not to overthink it. I really like him and we have so much in common and are a really good fit in so many ways. Of course being `me' I am on the look out for the things I don't like. . and his nervousness is so much better but I hate saying this . . . . . . . . .I wrestle with how can you say `an intelligence' factor' ? I am by no means brilliant or highly educated for the matter. But suffice to say intellectual or analytical conversations won't be happening with us. Is this going to be ok with me? I mentioned the word 'mundane' the other day and I had to explain to him what it meant. ;/ On the other hand we've had some really meaningful intimate conversations and I am impressed with how thoughtful and open he is. He has thing really good sarcastic sense of humor that keeps me on my toes and I think these combined make things feel balanced. I haven't had many experiences with a man like this. . . so again I am picking my battles. I look at it this way. . it's always going to be `something'. . .I just need to know the difference between what I can live with and what is a deal breaker for me. Heck. .I could make a grocery list of my own flaws. .

Thank you for that Testcase

You are right. . we are sensitive, clingy and nurturing. . I think I used to be all these and more. But my cynicism has taken over.

Good question. I posed the question -when does someone cross over to bf&gf - because he had been bringing it up. Not me. (reread my post) It really wasn't even on my radar and I wouldn't have considered discussing it this soon. After a few days of having to mull it over because it kept coming up and then factor in him changing it up from being playful to right out asking me, I came up with my conclusion. (before I was ready to) `after which time two people are in love with each other would it seem time to label it bf&gf' I am not a `love at first sight' kinda person. . these things take time for me. . but I get everyone is different.

Uh oh. . .I know I asked him I think on our first date . .but I forgot. (Not good, I know, haha) I think his birthday is the end of summer. I am Cancer. There's one good reason why we aren't ready to be bf&gf. That and he doesn't know my middle name either. I could go on. I will ask him tonight and think of you Missmarple . . lol

It is cheezeball . .I am with you on that! (makes me cringe a little) Not to say I don't like flowers. .birthdays, anniversaries etc. But this is the 4th single rose I have gotten in one month. As much as I don't care for it. . I am tempering myself alittle bit here and trying to chose my battles. He is spot on with everything else as far as planning dates and activities, similar interests, the way he dresses, smells . . etc. I have dated guys who didn't or couldn't bring half of these things to the table and I tried to give them a chance. So I will suck up a corny yellow rose or two for the sake of a decent sweet guy with integrity that from all appearances I seem to have a lot in common with. You mention bringing up the subject of his clinginess. I learned sometime ago not to ask people to change fundamental things about themselves in the early stages because they just tend to hide it for sometime and but ultimately it is who they are and it's better that I see it for what it is early on. Having said that . . all things point to him possibly being a little too insecure for me. ;( It's been a long week and I am a little cranky. One day at a time !

I see him tonight and in text says he's looking forward to talking to me more. I take it the bf/commitment subject isn't over? Trying to keep my attitude in check but if he frets about this too much this early in the game it will cause me to bail. I really don't want to feel this way but it's automatic for me and fighting it doesn't help.. . I am tired of trying only to have it not work out. A bunch of my friends are getting together at a local bar with live music to celebrate my friends birthday tomorrow night. I had been considering taking Mark and introducing him to my friends. . Now I am reconsidering and for me to tell him I have other plans or I am going and not extend an invite will probably disappoint him. OK. . now I am overthinking this whole thing. I have today to shift my attitude and expect the best!! He hasn't been texting me as much so maybe he's checked himself a little bit. . . Hoping

he went out of his way. . well. . he was off yesterday during the day and I am assuming he did it while running errands? That in itself would be fine but by the end of the day and the end of our conversation I felt pressured. He's really quiet today. . which is a good thing because if he wasn't he might push me over the line right about now. . . hmmm. .he just now text me. I swear I think I may have LoJack on me somewhere. Work is insanely busy and I need to focus on things. . I swear as I get older I feel I have ADD. . but I think it's more of side effect from my job. All of us in our department end up with a screw or two lose at some point.

As of late Mark keeps playfully dropping the `girlfriend' word and I can tell he's testing me. I play it off and don't take him seriously. The more I do this the more he brings it up. Yesterday while texting he brought it up a couple times and pretty much put it out there. I told him that we should save this conversation until when we see each other tomorrow night. He went dark for a few hours and came back with a lengthy text telling me he could tell I would shut down when he would bring up the subject about bf/gf titles. Suffice to say we had this conversation thru text. I shared with him that I am not dating anyone else other than him and don't care to. That it's only been a month and we are still getting to know one another. Yes, we had sex and that does change things but I would only consider calling someone my bf after which time I felt we were in love with each other and I can safely say at this point we are not. ? (I am not) He said he was looking for a little bit more of a commitment and apologized for being `such a girl' about it. Funny to be on the other side of the situation. . Now I can relate to what it feels like when typically us girls are pressing for titles and commitment. I also shared with him when someone pushes me for something I am not ready for, or thinking about, I tend to push back. I took the train yesterday to one of my company's other offices and came back to the train station to find that Mark had found my car in the parking lot and left me a rose on my windshield. I tend to spook easily (mostly because I haven't made good choices in men) so I had a mix of concern and appreciation at the same time. . I did bounce this off of my best friend and my mother. . They both thought it was sweet. So this is where I am at today. I feel my interest dialed back and distancing myself and trying to find some balance.

. .so going forward I will continue to date Mark . . exclusively. He keeps sneaking up on the GF title. .though playfully but not very subtle. Considering the time we've known each other `dating exclusively' seems appropriate and we have crossed over into being intimate. At what time do two people refer to each other as bf and gf? And how far gone am I that I don't know the difference. . lol

So . . I saw Mark both Fri and Sat evening. Saturday I was a little tired and suggested a home cooked meal and a video. Marks response `Heck no, I want to take you out and show you off' After a nap and hot shower I rallied and had a nice night. All my concerns about his being reserved and nervous and how that may translate in the bedroom were all for nothing. .lol Saturday night we were having a conversation and I told him his reservations were becoming contagious and I was beginning to second guess us as a couple as well. After all when you think about it you would want a man at least be little confident and taking the lead or at some point a women is going to begin to lose interest or at least begin to doubt. Well. . the rest is history. . Let's just say `I didn't think he had it in him and I was pretty surprised'. . I think he may have interpreted my comment as a challenge. It wasn't intended. . but so be it My friend Steve from the SF area flew in Sunday and I took him back to the airport last night. Needless to say I am at work this morning and dragging my tail a little. I've known Steve for about a year and in between the distance and schedules we don't speak often but text maybe once a week a short hello. Again I am surprised that we spend the entire day together and romance with him is not even on my radar. There is no romantic chemistry and he doesn't flirt or try to hold my hand in any way yet when the evening is over he comes on strong sexually. It doesn't feel romantic. It only feels like someone trying to get laid. This is the third time this has happened with him. I left him at his hotel after having him practically trying to molest me in the parking lot and frustrated that we are now committed to a 12 hour day the following day. He actually sorta stormed off. . maybe. Can't tell it but it wasn't a warm send off, that's for sure. I picked him up for breakfast yesterday and it ended up an enjoyable day. . a lot of windshield time and several hours at some beautiful wineries in the rain, ending with the great dinner. Still no romance or chemistry and I think he may be confused as to why I am not interested in anything other than friendship. I am not confused though. It just don't work that way for me and there is absolutely nothing warm and fuzzy about this man. At the airport he is suggesting returning in 6 weeks. I find myself saying a reluctant. . 'sure?' while I was probably shaking my head no.

Not to be confused with being inexperienced. He's been married twice, 23 years collectively. Thanks for the info! I will check the link