Mom wants me to be someone I'm not and never will be...

Hi

For as long as I remember, my mother has always compared me to her best friends daughter, Diana. Diana is two years older than me and we've been close friends for almost 4 years now. She and I are opposite: her main focus in life is school, she doesnt date at all, and she rarely goes against her mother's wants and donts. She's basically the all around perfect daugher my mother wants me to magically poof into. But thats not me at all. I love my boyfriend and cant see myself without him. School is important to me, but I dont devote all of my free time on it. I do enough to make good grades, and I do make good grades. But my mother always always compares me to Diana. Earlier she asked me, "Why cant you be like her and not worry so much over your love life?" It hurts me to know that no matter what I do I'll never be good enough for her...I just wish she'd see what her expectations do to me. I know if she could she'd change pretty much everything about me...but the person she wants me to be and the person I am are two different people...and I'll never be like Diana, we're too different. I am who I am...wish she'd see that.

If anyone has any advice on how I can get her to see that or just anything else, I'd apreciate it. Thanks,

JyNx

aww.. i'm really sorry... it sounds like there really isnt all that much that you can so except maybe sitting down and telling your mom exactly how you feel.. let her know that you are not perfect.. and you are not diana you are yourself.. and you can't chance that.. you probably have probably done this over and over but i guess just keep telling her.. sorry.. not much advice

Hi Jynx. Sorry bout that...i want to be a helicopter pilot but my parents arent good with that and i can see that..(im goin for space engineer 100%) i noe our troubles are different but if u think about it they are kinda the same...though my parents make jokes like hahaha ur face is all pimply and girls won't like u and that kinda stuff.(i got allergies to random things)..i used to take it seriously but now i dont...though i still want to talk to this girl but that where the allergy comes in...anyways....back to the point...just talk to your mom. say that even she wants you to be like that its ur life...u choose who u wanna be (unless its a fulltime hooker...then u got rethink the whole idea of life)...u can be like Diana but you wont enjoy your life...the only person that will like it is your mom. i had the same issue with my parents and talked to them little by little and they stopped saying those things when im bad like "why can't you be smart like that kid or y can't you understand...."name" understands and you don't" sorry for my sloppy english...im in a hurry...hope i helped...if i didnt just tell me...good luck...hope it all works out

i am sorry to hear about your situtaion.You cant really do much.Its not right that your mom doesnt accept you for you,but you cant just take your life and change it just because she said.Its not that easy.Why dont you talk to your mom.Tell her that you cant change who you are.Also bring it up to her how you feel about being to compared to Diana.I hope things go well and if you ever need someone to talk to feel free to PM me.

~meagan~

Well..........parents are like that........always want u 2 be like sum1 else otha then urself.............take my life for example...............my mom wants me 2 be like every1 else and act white..........well i cant help not acting white cuz im like a poser i guess u can say (hence the screen name ghettocracker)...........everyday when she gets home shes all like stop trying 2 act black.......and i just tell her i cant help it..................the only thing u can do is keep being who u are...............even if it isnt what ur mom likes..............but u need 2 make her understand that this is who u are............and nothings gonna change..............u are who u are.........make ur mom see that

Well..........parents are like that........always want u 2 be like sum1 else otha then urself.............take my life for example...............my mom wants me 2 be like every1 else and act white..........well i cant help not acting white cuz im like a poser i guess u can say (hence the screen name ghettocracker)...........everyday when she gets home shes all like stop trying 2 act black.......and i just tell her i cant help it..................the only thing u can do is keep being who u are...............even if it isnt what ur mom likes..............but u need 2 make her understand that this is who u are............and nothings gonna change..............u are who u are.........make ur mom see that

that sounded like a vent...

anyways, I think shee feels competitive of the other mother, and vise versa...probably the other girl wants a bf and etc.

Moms, and dads do that a lot, they compare their kids and stuff like that.

Thanks for all your replies. Yes, I have talked to her about just letting me be who I am and backing out of constantly comparing Diana and me, but the conversation always goes down the same road. She says that I'm exhageratting and that she isnt comparing me to Diana, or she says that she's just trying to help me. I'm sorry, but thats not the kind of help a 15 year old teenager wants. ...But I suppose thats never going to change.

Thanks again!

JyNx

It hurts me to know that no matter what I do I'll never be good enough for her

This is going to be difficult for you to do, but the sooner you can do this, the sooner you can have some peace and feel good about yourself. It's natural to want your parents' approval and acceptance. In a perfect world, we would all have that. But it's not a perfect world, and parents are human and thereforeeee flawed. Ideally, parents should be teaching their children what it is to love unconditionally, but most people don't even know how to begin doing that.

So, here's the difficult part....let go of the need for your mother's approval...without hatred or anger...but with simple acceptance..."that's just the way she is"...and understanding it is no reflection on you. You are a precious soul, as are we all. When we accept something, we don't have to approve of it. Acceptance is just acknowledging what is and not continuing to beat ourselves up about it.

I grew up with a mother who wanted a real girly daughter who would be interested in clothing and make-up and dolls....what she got was me...a tomboy who liked to climb trees and play in the woods behind our house. The bane of my existence in childhood was a girl named Claudia. Claudia was "perfect"...she minded her mother, she studied, she was thin, she liked shopping, blah, blah blah. -- probably much like Diana for you.

I spent my childhood, teen years, and much of my young adulthood striving to get my mother's approval -- all for naught. Finally, just after my 34th birthday, she went too far, and I had to completely sever what little relationship I had with my parents for my own health and sanity. I'm much better off for it. I just wish I hadn't wasted all that time trying to get the approval/acceptance of someone who simply wasn't capable of giving it in the first place.

JynX, please know that you are good enough as you are, regardless of what your mother says or does to make you feel like less. By all means, discuss it with her if you are comfortable doing so, but with the understanding that she may not change. That is completely out of your control. If she doesn't change, you need to reinforce the belief within yourself that you are good enough as you are, that you are lovable, and deserving of respect and care.

best of luck to you,

~s2s