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Thread: Its complicated

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Nov 2015

    Its complicated

    My fiance dumped me. He stated that to him we are still together and he isn't looking for anyone else and that he love me. We hang out and still communicate. Sometimes we have really good days and forget that we aren't "offical". But that don't sit right with me. I get angry and i feel like if we are going to act like we are together than why can't we be together. He said he is at a mental standstill in his life and need to work on bettering himself and i should do the same. That's cool and all but it don't make sense to me. How are we supposed to better ourselves apart but still be involved in each others lives? Its frustrating. I just want to move on. Not move on and sleep around, but move on and heal. I want us to grow together, not apart and he won't change his mind and i hurt him constantly by being ok with it one moment and hurt the next. He keep saying stuff like "I don't know what I'm doing" or "I'm lost and confused" "I'm sorry, i don't want you to hurt"....

    Can somebody explain what im supposed to do. Why is he doing this. I need to make a very big decision and i dont want to feel selfish or regret from it.

    And please no bashing. I'm not ok the last thing i need is some to tell me to get over it. My mind is fragile and sometimes i don't even want to be alive.
    Last edited by Kiakitty; 03-26-2020 at 04:44 AM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Butterfly~Wrists's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    You need to fully split up and go no contact. He wants to have his cake and eat it. The benefits of a relationship without having to play a role in it.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    He can't break up with you and expect you to still act like a couple. That is astonishingly selfish. He is trying to keep you warm so he can still enjoy the benefits of a relationship without being committed to you, which is a recipe for disaster.

    Completely unfair and unkind. Tell him you're not okay with this arrangement anymore, and not to contact you unless he genuinely wants to reconcile. None of this half-way malarkey.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Nov 2018
    Completely agree with the above two comments.


  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    Sorry to hear this. Your are justifiably upset. What was the faux-breakup about? Sadly he has merely demoted you to FWB. You are thinking this will lead to moving forward and reconciliation, and he is thinking 'now I don't have to get married or be committed but can string her along for sex'.

    He is giving you a bunch of "confused' lines and double-talk to keep you around for his purposes, while he doesn't respect or care enough to work it out or go forward. He Does want to hurt you, don't kid yourself. You need to immediately go no contact and delete and block him and all his people from all your messaging apps and social media. Let him be "confused" alone.
    Originally Posted by Kiakitty
    My fiance dumped me. He stated that to him we are still together
    Sometimes we have really good days and forget that we aren't "offical".
    He keep saying stuff like "I don't know what I'm doing" or "I'm lost and confused"

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    You're hurting him?

    Think about that. He is jerking you around and now he's hurt that you are not ok with it?

    That is one big manipulation and mind f.

    i would have to break up with him for the sheer facts that he is not ready for any kind of committed relationships, let alone a marriage!

    Do not give him comfort while he basically drains you and gets strong enough to leave.

    This man is a coward.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Surrey BC, Canada
    He's full of it. He realized he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with you. All he is doing is slowly letting go as to not feel as much pain as possible. It's a tough call but, you are right you need to end it so you can heal.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Wilds of Texas
    Follow what your gut is telling you - you need to end this and allow yourself to heal and move on. Your instincts are right on point.

    The day he broke up with you, he lost the privilege of your friendship, companionship and so on. He doesn't get to have things both ways where he ends the relationship and still gets to act like he is in one. If he is telling you that he needs to sort himself out, then give him all the space in the world to do just that. Tell him straight up that you are going to cut contact and that you only want to hear from him if he decides that he wants to reconcile after he has sorted himself out. Then go absolute no contact and heal yourself.

  10. #9
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    He said he is at a mental standstill in his life and need to work on bettering himself and i should do the same.
    I'd tell him you'll take him up on his on point advice, wish him well and if/when he "betters himself" he can look you up if you're still available.

    No more "freebies" yet when all is said and done, you'll send the message that you have much more respect for yourself than to fall for his BS.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    This now boyfriend-girlfriend or friends relationship will go nowhere. It's time to go your separate ways permanently.

    Tell him to go find himself, do his own soul searching, "better himself," think about his "confusion," figure out "what he's doing" and all of that hot air. He's being overly dramatic.

    The bottom line is this: He doesn't love you THAT much. It's more convenient for him to have you as his girlfriend or friend; no strings attached. He doesn't love you enough to give you a legal commitment. Not nearly enough. In other words, his intentions with you are dishonorable and insincere because his liking you only goes so far and stops short. This is your harsh reality check, Kiakitty.

    Remain realistic about your relationship with him which is dead IMHO. He's a lost cause.

    He has the "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" mentality.

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