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Thread: I am uncomfortable with my husband"s female friends

  1. #1
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    I am uncomfortable with my husband"s female friends

    I have been with my husband for 3 1/2 years and married for almost 2. I sponsored him and his daughter to come to Canada. I relized that I have made a big mistake with the marriage and sponsorship. He and his daughter (F,13) is born and raised in Jamaica. He has been in Canada 4 years now and his daughter only two months. The problem is the cultural differences. My parents were born in the same country but grew up in Canada. I realized what I have learned from my parents about the country is outdated and from another generation.

    My husband told me before we married that he has female friends but he was dishonest about how close he was with them. I learned this 4 months into the marriage, when he invited a single female friend ( we will call her "Mary") with us on a date to the movies at the last minute without asking me. I said ok because I didnt know that it would continue. I thought he just made a mistake. I met her and they didnt act innapropriate. I discussed with him after to ask me/let me know ahead of time before inviting a friend. A few months later I overheard a conversation with him and Mary planning a group get together ( males and females) to go to Canada's Wonderland. He had asked her to plan it. I was upset and told him he should have told me prior to making plans without me but he got upset saying I don't want him to have a social life, which is not true. I am not able to go on extreme rides as it makes me sick. He said he didn't think it was a good idea I go because I would just be holding bags and coats. It just infuriates me because he made plans again with the same woman without asking me.

    He met a coworker "Sarah"(F, 30)who is from Jamaica and has developed a close friendship with him. I am ok with him to have female friends but not more close or more intimate that with his wife. This friendship makes me uncomfortable because they worked long hours alone together. He worked with her a year and never accually told me about her untill one night I was picking him up at work and he brought her to the car for a ride without asking me prior. I went along with it and continued to give her rides to and from his work to keep an eye out and see their interaction and get to know her. I regretted that after a while because He didnt want to stop and didnt want to ask her for money. I wanted money because she seldom says thanks. He bought her a bottle of wine for her birthday and when my birthday came around I didnt recieve anything not even a card from her. She calls him to ask where he is (and me sometimes). She asks him to call to check up on her when she goes on dates. She asked if she can come Christmas shopping with us. I said ok because again I wasnt informed of the whole situation prior. They were not innappropriate and he kept holding my hand like he was trying to prove something. She only bought one thing, a gift for both of us. I learned after she just wanted to come because she was bored. Im uncomfortable that she wants to hang out with my husband.

    To make a long story short, I am at my wits end. We argue about his female friends and the issues are never resolved. We saw a marriage therapist and because he told her what he tells me " There is nothing there, there is no problem" the therapist asked him to leave the session and told me privately to leave him. I plan to leave the marriage but I don't have much support. I don't have any close friends to lean on and no one to really talk to except my therapist. My family encouraged me to stay (because of the sponsorship ) which is why I am still with him. But I cant anymore. He will only now go to therapy if I pay and doesnt think he is doing anything wrong and thinks we dont need councelling. My husband is my only friend.

    To top it off he works two jobs and when he gets the time off all he wants to do is sleep and play video games. I feel that he is more interested in other females than me. I feel that the wants and feelings from his friends are more improtant to him. When I tell him he is being innapropriate with them he defends them saying I don't want any friends, that I am unapprochable and that I don't want him to socialize. He feels that as long as he is not sleeping with them (nothing physical) that his behavior is ok. I told him he/we should be making friends with couples not single women but he disagrees. I already feel bad for not having friends and he makes me feel worse. I have a hard time understanding friendships between males and females and feel that eventually someone develops feelings.

    Now he wants me, him, his daughter, Sarah, Mary and Mary's son to all go to Canada's Wonderland together. I notice he hasnt invited any male friends which make me uncomfortable. I don't think I want to go. I just cant stand by and watch my husband go on rides with women alone.

    Am I over reacting? What are your thoughts? Should I stay? Should I go? Sorry this is so long

  2. #2
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    I was picking him up at work and he brought her to the car for a ride without asking me prior. I went along with it and continued to give her rides to and from his work to keep an eye out and see their interaction and get to know her.

    Did you say "Hi, I'm XX's WIFE, Nice to meet you" when you gave the woman a ride home. Could she be under the assumption that he is not married to you?

    Honestly, i think he used you. He preyed on you because you were vulnerable - you say you have no friends. So, change that. figure out what hobbies or interests you would like to explore. If you are a person of faith, there are all sorts of groups at church that are based on volunteer projects or spiritual and intellectual enrichment If not, there surely is a college extension center that has classes - art, foreign languages, casual cooking classes, etc. What about volunteering? Book club? sports? Get yourself out there. It may take time to make one on one friends, etc, but its worth doing.

    no, you are not overreacting. you need to leave him. If he has to go back to Jamaica, that's not your problem.

  3. #3
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    How did you meet him?

    Sounds to me like he wanted Canadian citizenship more than anything else, and now that he's there, he gets to do whatever he pleases, with whomever he pleases.

    Do you watch 90 Day Fiance? You should.

    Have you already filed for his adjustment of citizenship status? In other words, in Canadian law, if you become divorced, are you financially liable for him (in the U.S., it's 10 years)? Will he maintain his Canadian status, or does he have to return to Jamaica?

    Regardless, no, this isn't acceptable in a marriage, and yes, this should bother you.

    Hopefully, you can get him out of your hair, and back to Jamaica, and meet someone locally. This had disaster written all over it.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    By your own admission, he and the female friends aren't doing anything inappropriate. The real problem here is that YOU, OP, do not have friends, do not have a life outside of your husband and thus you have this unhealthy jealousy about where his attention goes. You want it all to yourself, but that's wrong. Before pointing fingers at your husband or accusing him of using you, fix your own life or rather lack of. Not having any friends or social life outside of your husband is highly problematic. Use that therapy to figure out why you live the way you do and how to fix that.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Please seek out the legal advice of an immigration lawyer and start making amends in your home life and restoring your life back to some order. Whatever caused you to feel so naive and believing of this situation or this man, you'll have to let that go and learn from your experiences. Whatever vulnerable part of you wanted to feel loved and married to him, you'll have to ask yourself why you didn't see through those warning signs.

    I think the indiscretions are the least of your worries. It sounds like he is also a financial burden. Please seek legal advice.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    By your own admission, he and the female friends aren't doing anything inappropriate. The real problem here is that YOU, OP, do not have friends, do not have a life outside of your husband and thus you have this unhealthy jealousy about where his attention goes. You want it all to yourself, but that's wrong. Before pointing fingers at your husband or accusing him of using you, fix your own life or rather lack of. Not having any friends or social life outside of your husband is highly problematic. Use that therapy to figure out why you live the way you do and how to fix that.
    I think that just because they are not having sex does not mean he is not doing anything inappropriate. He has very poor boundaries with these women. He didn't inform or ask his wife about giving rides to the female friend on a regular basis - who doesn't even say thanks, he has females tag along on their outings and planned a vacation/trip without his wife knowing ahead of time. He is not some 20 year old guy with a female friend group = he is a married man and should be putting his wife first. a healthy couple would say "hey, my coworker Sally is alone this Christmas, what about if we invited her to come Christmas shopping with us?" not female friend just shows up and the wife's not even expecting it.

    She is NOT jealous - she herself says she is okay with him having friends and she has tolerated a LOT from him and has been very patient. He seems to have no MALE friends he hangs out with - its somehow only women and they just tag along without the wife even getting a head's up.

    She should work on her own friendships and also at the same time, leave him.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this is happening. Ask your closed trusted friends or family for support. Also ask the therapist to recommend someone...go alone. Stop talking to him about this and start planning your escape. Contact an attorney and get advice about your options and get your ducks in a row. Do not be afraid to make the right choice, no matter how difficult.
    Originally Posted by Kaitlin9
    We argue about his female friends and the issues are never resolved. We saw a marriage therapist and because he told her what he tells me " There is nothing there, there is no problem" the therapist asked him to leave the session and told me privately to leave him. I plan to leave the marriage but I don't have much support.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    I think that just because they are not having sex does not mean he is not doing anything inappropriate. He has very poor boundaries with these women. He didn't inform or ask his wife about giving rides to the female friend on a regular basis - who doesn't even say thanks, he has females tag along on their outings and planned a vacation/trip without his wife knowing ahead of time. He is not some 20 year old guy with a female friend group = he is a married man and should be putting his wife first. a healthy couple would say "hey, my coworker Sally is alone this Christmas, what about if we invited her to come Christmas shopping with us?" not female friend just shows up and the wife's not even expecting it.

    She is NOT jealous - she herself says she is okay with him having friends and she has tolerated a LOT from him and has been very patient. He seems to have no MALE friends he hangs out with - its somehow only women and they just tag along without the wife even getting a head's up.

    She should work on her own friendships and also at the same time, leave him.
    I agree with this but I also agree with DancingFool in that the Op needs to get a social life outside of her husband so that she's not relying on her husband to be her everything and resenting it when he's not living up to her expectations.

    Either way I don't think either of them are happy and if the Op didn't like the first marriage counselor then she would do well to invest the money and find another one. If that one comes to the same conclusion then do what you gotta do, Op to make your life right again.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Listen to your therapist and leave the marriage.

    I'm married and I wouldn't like it if my husband had female friends. What am I? Chopped liver? I am the one he should confide in, I'm more than his BFF, I've invested a ton of money, blood, sweat and tears into this marriage so I deserve his loyalty, devotion and utmost respect. If he wanted female friends, he should've remained single. I don't have male friends either. However, we have a lot of couple type friends and group type friends. My husband and I go out to lunch with several colleagues at a time which is fine.

    I admire those who don't mind having opposite gender friends and I think it is fine for them. However, most marriages I know in my sphere tend to know how to enforce healthy boundaries with others and exercise common sense.

    I hope it all works out for you OP.

  11. #10
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    This situation comes up a lot on the forum and yes it is a difficult one! What I've realised from reading these forums since 2014 is that people can have very different ideas when it comes to having friends of the opposite gender. I think for a relationship to work what's needed is for both partners to agree with each other's point of view and feel the same about it.

    I will explain. My fiance and I have no problem with each other having opposite gender friends, as long as we are not attracted or into those friends and are not doing anything other than platonic friendship. My fiance even said he is fine for me to be friends with one ex and one ex FWB, as long as I'm transparent about it and I don't do anything wrong or cheat. However I will say that I don't really talk to those ex's or hang out with them alone much. Normally I just invite them to group events and my fiance is usually there too.

    It seems to me that maybe your husband thinks that there is no issue because he probably hasn't cheated and he always tells you (albeit last minute): "This is my female friend such and such" and introduces her to you. He has not actually hidden these female friends from you and you have met them many times. You said that you do see that there is nothing happening between them and he is holding your hand in front of them to show he's with you, etc. I would say that your husband has not cheated or is into these friends because if he was, he would most likely hide them from you. When someone doesn't hide anything I would think he actually does only like them as friends.

    Maybe I'm only saying all this because of my own opinions but I don't think a therapist should just tell you what to do and to leave the marriage. I thought therapists were meant to be impartial?

    I think to be honest that the fact that you have no friends is making you feel even more jealous that your husband has these female friends. I think you really need to somehow start making friends of your own.

    One thing I will say though that your husband has been a bit full-on with some things like giving that female colleague a lift all the time. Why should you be doing that? I don't give anyone lifts much, even my close friends. I will agree that your husband needs to be first and foremost considerate of you, his wife. So that involves telling you in advance if he wants any female friends to hang out with you and not put you in uncomfortable situations like driving his friends.

    However I will say that if these female friends meet you and even contact you and buy you a Christmas gift, they are not trying to steal your husband. If they present themselves in front of you and a lot of the catch ups are with you then I don't think they are hiding anything.

    But you are in your right to leave the marriage because your beliefs about this and your husband's beliefs are not the same. These are values and your values just don't align. Values that don't align can be anything e.g. religion, veganisn, sex, etc. If the values and beliefs are too different then you are just not a good match. But in my opinion the friendship thing is just a personal opinion. I'm saying if there is no cheating or romantic interest. If there was then clearly it's wrong. But for example, my fiance and I don't think what you think so you can see that it's not a universal attitude. Your husband thinks more like us and you think like you. Maybe it's not right or wrong but it's probably too different to make the marriage work.

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