Help moving on

My ex boyf and I have only been broken up for a couple of months. We were together for 5 years and have a baby. He already has a new girlf, 7 years his younger. I am devestated and really struggling to let go of the future I saw for us as a family.

He comes round to spend time with Little One...well he sees her a couple mornings for an hour or two. And i have just been to his parents house for the weekend, with all his extended family (little one is under 1 and he has never had her for a full day on his own. He has been a rather absent father - although loves her dearly)

I am struggling with communicating with him and having to have contact with him. I keep it only about our Little girl but he keeps throwing out phrases that seem to keep me hooked on, and 1 week before I found out about this other girl he said he loved me.

How can I successfully let go of the future I saw for me with him. It hurts him being around and me being with his family. Next year I wont do it as often because she will be able to be without me :'( which also sucks ass. The idea of not being with her for a weekend breaks my heart.

He was hardly around during the beginning and pushed away with his drinking and not coming home and sleeping off hangovers.

Some tips to help cope with my situ would be great.

I'm sorry for your pain. It is very early days for you in this break up and I know how much it hurts.

I've been through this and I can give you tips. But ultimately the only thing that will really help you is time.There is no big cure for this. Time is everything. You need to go through the pain and heartbreak of losing what you hoped for the future.

See him for what he is and what he will continue to be. You mentioned drinking, partying, hangovers, another woman and his lukewarm approach to fathering. Expect this to continue. Expectations that he will change and be the daddy you want him to be will lead to more pain and more disappointment and anger and frustration.

Stop all intimacy in the form of conversations and time together. Take back some control by keeping conversations centered on the baby, end conversations when they get personal. This is difficult to do but gets easier and will help you to create some distance.

For yourself....ask yourself some questions. What attracted you to him, did he change, did you change, how did this happen? I found that the time after my relationship ended was a period of great growth and learning for me. This understanding of my choices and my own behavior helped me to understand the break up better. This helped me to understand my ex more which in turn helped to be able to deal with him for the sake of our children.

Hang in there. It takes times but you and your baby will be okay.

You need to set up boundaries. Make sure you get child support from him and full custody from the courts. This is to protect you if your relationship with the baby daddy goes sour. Also, some women chose a neutral place like at a sister's or parent's house where the baby daddy can see the child without you having to be around. Have set hours and don't allow him just to come over when he feels like it. You should not be concerned about hurting him. You should be concerned with him hurting you. As long as he is around, it is going to slow down your healing to put this behind you. Don't let him love talk you. It's a way to soften you up. Don't fall for it.

It's going to be tough. Try to get as much support as you can from your family and even from his family. His parents can put pressure on him if he falls down on his obligations. Try to make friends with other mothers and any other friends you have. It helps.

Sorry this happened. What was the breakup about? When did he move out? The number one thing you must do is set up a legal child visitation/custody arrangement through the courts not just a "drop by when he wants" situation you allow now.

Since he has a drinking problem, get supervised visitation for your child. Do no allow him to your home to visit with her. Arrange a scheduled time and place through the courts.

You must also stand for your child and get court ordered child support on your child's behalf. Spend more time with your own family and friends. Stop hanging out with him or his family. They can see the child when he has his court ordered visitation days.

There is no future with a cheater and alcoholic. Take care of yourself and your child and STOP hanging out with his family or him.

My ex boyf and I have only been broken up for a couple of months. We were together for 5 years and have a baby.

He comes round to spend time with Little One...well he sees her a couple mornings for an hour or two. And i have just been to his parents house for the weekend. It hurts him being around and me being with his family. pushed away with his drinking and not coming home and sleeping off hangovers.

Big hug. A couple of months, after 5 years and a kid together, is nothing - you are still in the very early stages of this and need to have patience with yourself. I can imagine the pain of the entire situation and the fact that he already has a new, younger girlfriend is a misery - this is the period where you grieve, so grieve!

While it's good (and important) that he is maintaining a relationship with your daughter, I have to echo one or two comments I saw scrolling by after reading your post that mentioned boundaries. Is there a way you can set up a standing appointment where he comes to see your little girl, and you hire a babysitter for the "handoff" moment so that you can minimise the amount you have to see and interact with him?

Needless to say, in the meantime - there should be no contact. Unless it's to set up or change an appointment for him to meet your daughter, there's no reason for him to be communicating with you, confusing you, telling you he loves you, etc. Plus, his immature behaviour (by the way, if he's drinking and not coming home/ sleeping off hangovers, he might not be in the best spot to be taking your daughter for the weekend, so I would monitor this as much as possible if you can) is something you can avoid while you heal.

For the rest, I would seek counselling because this is a huge life change and adjustment for you. Remind yourself that being the first person to "move on" doesn't mean he's over it/ better off without you, but that ultimately YOU will find someone when you're ready and healthy.