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Thread: LDR boyfriend is acting different before meet again after 1 year

  1. #1

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    LDR boyfriend is acting different before meet again after 1 year

    I'm in a LDR for nearly 1 year now, we live on different continents. In 6 weeks i am about to fly back to my boyfriend and we want to try if it can be something for the future, we have not seen each other since january. That was our goal all year. Everything is planned, I quit my job, etc. Now the last three weeks my boyfriend is suddenly acting distant, one day to another he not message me anymore or answer my texts. It takes two days for him to answer and he just reply I'm sorry, I'm busy. I don't know him like this, normally we would message everyday.
    Last week we had a video call and he was acting all normal, after that again days with no contact until now. He is active on social media, its not like his phone is broken or something. What is going on? It feels like he is pulling away. How can this happen? He was the one always tell me he wants me at his side. I'm so confused now. He knows in 6 weeks I will be there because everything is booked and final. Why he behave like this?

  2. #2
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    I'm sorry, OP. His behaviour must be confusing for you.

    How much time did you spend together in person last January? When you say you are about to fly to back to him, do you mean you're relocating to be with him? You mentioned that you quit your job so I am gathering this isn't just a vacation for you.

    He sounds like he is having second thoughts. You need to have an honest conversation with him, preferably on a video call. Don't be accusatory, as this will put him on the defensive, but tell him you have noticed that he is more distant and you would like to know how he feels about your arrival in 6 weeks. He is not just busy, and you both know that. It's time to find out if he still want to proceed with the plans you had both made.

  3. #3
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    It would appear he likes/loves you better from a distance.

    Now that you're about to move to his country, specifically to be with him, you've lost some of your intrigue for him.

    He may prefer fantasy over reality; the reality of the situation is causing him to feel pressured and anxious.

    This is a huge red flag, it would be a mistake to ignore it.

    If it were me I would straight out ask him if he's having second thoughts about your moving there. Feeling pressured and anxious.

    Don't accept his "I'm just busy" you know that's bull s*** and so does he.

    Do NOT uproot your life if he is having doubts!

  4. #4
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I'm confused? Why would you quit your job and uproot yourself like you have for someone you barely see in person? You don't even know who this guy is and now you're finding out that he's not as excited about this as you are/were.

    Can you get your job back and cancel plans to actually move there and just visit instead of cancelling your life where you are living now? Without speculating on why he is being the way he is, I'll just caution you: You will be being very foolish if you permanently move there knowing that he's being the way he is with you now.

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  6. #5
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    OP I hope you will return and share more and allow us to help you through this.

    No judgment from me, I understand how compelling these long distance on line relationships can be.

    But TwT is right, you have spent very little in person time with this man. Best to keep things lighter and more casual until you have spent that in person time.

    In fact, jmo but even after you've spent more in person time, best to not uproot your life "for him." Doing so places A LOT of pressure on the situation, causing anxiety such that he is experiencing now I would suspect.

    If you want to move to the country where he lives, do it "for you" because it's something you have been wanting to do, regardless of what happens with him.

    When you get there, date as if you first met him. Much less pressure and more relaxed, thus allowing things to unfold naturally and organically without the added pressure and anxiety knowing you moved there specifically to be with him.

    Honestly, that would be freaking me out too!

  7. #6
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Speaking only for myself, I'd try to get my job back or something better, and if BF is all in he could come visit me for a vacation. There's no way I'd uproot myself for anyone as an experiment that would position me to be his dependant for any length of time.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    In these situations It'd be better moving to his country for you and with job perspectives and a place of your own. You don't know how this man is in real everyday life so it'd be better dating him locally first instead of moving in with him after one year of ldr and almost no time together in person. It's too risky and he's probably feeling the same and too much pressure because it's a big change all of a sudden and maybe too soon. He seems to be having second thoughts.

    I'd have a genuine conversation with him by video call to plan the next moves and talk about how you both feel about this.

  9. #8

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    hi. thanks all for your advice and thoughts. Now that some time passed it appears that me and my BF did not have contact for more than a week. My last message i asked him what is going on is not read or replied. To answer some of your questions before....I know him for 3 years now, before we where just friends. The longest time I spent with him was about 3 months every year for vacation. In january we started dating.
    I totally understand your doubts about me quitting my job and all, but i knew if we really want to try serious we must spend more than 3 months together and there is no way I can have vacation this long. And i was planning to quit and take a break anyway. I also have many friends there, its not that he is the only person I know. As I said I know the people for three years now.

    I'm just really confused because he was always the one that told me he needs me at his side and want to have a real relationship because LDR is hard for him. One time he told me he thought about breaking up because he cannot handle the distance anymore, but he continue to do it because he love me so much.
    He was already talking about meeting his parents...
    As I already told you the last video call we had, he was already acting different before but when we talk face to face, he was like always. Ask me if I get my visa and that he miss me and love me.

    What is he thinking? He knows I'm not going to quit this trip as I already booked all. So we are going to see each other in 4 weeks anyway. If he really wants to end this relationship, why is he not breaking up with me? He could block me and all and I would not be able to reach out to him anymore....why is he not ending it??

    We have the same friends there and one of them knows about the situation, he told me that my BF told him he loves me and wants me to be by his side. He said that BF told him he is always thinking about me... this confused me even more, that all makes no sense.

  10. #9

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    i forgot to mention that the last time we 'talked', he started messaging me -about four days after the video call. I was surprised because I thought he would not contact me anymore...he apologized for not texting me and said he knows he is a bad BF now and that he is wrong. He asked me if I'm angry at him, I said I'm not angry but that I feel like he doesn't want to date me anymore...he just replied I'm sorry. After that we didn't really message anymore...as I already mentioned my last message is not read until today!

  11. #10
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    Be careful for what you wish for because you just might get it. This guy has been saying all the nice things. "I miss you so much, I wish you were here, I was thinking how wonderful it would be to have you here, Id love to hold your hand and kiss you, wish you were by my side, wish I could wake up to you every day" All that is just fluff.
    Did he mean it? Maybe, but you must understand that it just got real and he is real scared. You have no idea if he has a GF right now. He might be thinking OH NO!! She is really coming here and has to find a way to either let you down, or hide his GF from you or hide you from his GF, or maybe he has never told his family about you, or maybe he never really thought you would actually come.
    LDR are nice as long as you want a part time GF. You have say when you speak to her, when you see her on video, and when you don't want to see or speak to her, you just avoid her then say "I have been busy, I have been working, I have a lot of family issues, school, church, orphans, raising llamas" or whatever.
    Do you have a back up plan? What happens if you call him saying "Im at the airport" and he doesn't answer? What if you go to his house and he doenst answer the door or gave you the wrong address? Do you have money for a hotel until you can figure out what you are going to do? Do you have a place to live or are you relying on your BF?
    I ask this because a friend of mine was in a LDR with a beautiful girl in France, she said everything your BF said. I miss you, wish you were here and he gave everything up and went to France, she never answered the door and in fact she moved out of her family's house just to avoid him. Needless to say he was hurt and lived in the streets for 6 weeks before he told his family the truth and he flew home.
    His actions are speaking a lot louder than his words. He could of said all the right things, but his actions are saying otherwise. I would give it one more shot at him being really really honest with you and see if he avoids you or tells you the truth. Now you don't have to go if you don't want to. You can call the airline and see what options you have. Its better for you to eat the money now than fly there and be lost and spend twice as much trying to get home.
    Of course choice is all yours, but at this point, if you go, I wouldn't rely on him at all. Expect that you will be out on your own.


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